A couple hours later, after Emily's mother had left the hospital, Hanna snuck into Emily's room to check on her. Emily was exhausted from the trauma and the medicine the nurse gave her, but she couldn't help but smile at the sight of Hanna carefully tip-toeing into her hospital room.
"Hey…I didn't mean to wake you… Are you in any pain?" Hanna asked quietly.
"They gave me something, but the nurse said it'll be a long night." Emily responded back, trying to downplay the pain she was in, knowing Hanna felt bad enough already.
"Well, I'm prepared for that. We have reading material, chocolate, gummy bears, several sets of..." Hanna trailed off as she saw Emily's face fall.
Emily was thankful that Hanna brought her all of these things, but what she wanted most was her. She wanted Hanna to be there for her, like she hadn't been after her procedure.
"Hey….don't be scared, I'm here. I know that I wasn't here for you after you donated your eggs, I should have been. I'm so sorry about that. But, I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere." Hanna reassured a worried and sad looking Emily.
Emily smiled softly and shifted in the bed, allowing enough room for Hanna to climb in next to her. Emily immediately leaned against Hanna and laid her head on her shoulder. The position wasn't new to either of them and for both held a familiarity that was hard to ignore.
This wasn't their first time sharing a hospital bed. It was actually how they got together as a couple. It had been building up for a long time, but it all came bubbling over the surface one night when Emily had collapsed at school, having been unknowingly using steroids instead of pain cream, compliments of the original A. That night, many years ago, they cleared the air between them and confessed their love for one another.
This night was different though. They weren't two teenagers who had fallen in love for the first time, they were both with other people now. Their lives were infinitely more complicated than when they were 16.
"So…you said you wanted to talk?" Emily asked quietly. She was afraid to broach the subject and learn that Hanna regretted the other night. But she was more afraid not asking and having the awkward silence that had been between them recently become more permanent.
"I did…I mean, I do. But I don't know if this is the right time...I mean, I want to be fair to you Em. You're pretty heavily sedated and I don't want you to say something you regret later." Hanna explained. She didn't want to start a conversation this big when Emily was in such a compromising position. There was so much potential for uncertainty or risk Emily saying something that she'd later regret.
"It may not be the right time, but I can't continue on the way we have the last few days. It's too exhausting trying to not be a part of your life. I miss you." Emily quietly confessed.
"I know, it's hard for me too. But, seeing you and Paige together...It stirs up so many old feelings and emotions. Or maybe even new or existing ones. I don't know…" Hanna tried to explain but trailed off.
"It's the same for me too Hanna. I had to go to a bridal shower today, as in a wedding shower. You're wedding shower, because you're getting married…to someone who isn't me…" Emily said, just barely above a whisper as tears began forming in her eyes.
"Hey….shh…I'm sorry, this is why we shouldn't…." Hanna whispered trailing off as she wiped away a tear that had fallen down Emily's cheek. "Em, why don't you get some sleep. I'll stay here, just like this, and we can talk more in the morning, OK?"
Emily softly nodded her head in agreement and curled further into Hanna. Hanna held Emily like she had so many times in the past, desperately wanting to reassure Emily that she had nothing to worry about. That there probably wouldn't even be a wedding, that she was starting to realize what she really wanted, but this wasn't the right time or place to have that conversation.
Jordan hadn't forgiven her and she wasn't sure if he ever would. But even more so, she wasn't sure anymore if she needed him to. This whole time, she thought of him as her rock, the thing she needed. But when she heard Emily scream, something finally clicked back into place. Suddenly, she knew it wasn't Jordan that she needed, it was Emily.
Emily had always been her rock, long before she even knew Jordan. Her breakup with Emily was the reason that Jordan entered into her life to begin with. He wasn't the one she was meant to spend the rest of her life, he was just a stand-in; a temporary plug to try to fill the hole that Emily had left in her heart.
Hanna felt at peace with Emily lying against her. As she began falling asleep, she thought back to that summer they were together, and how things could have ended so differently if she hadn't walked away or had fought harder for them.
[Flashback]
"What does that mean?" Hanna asked, frustrated with Emily.
"I mean I won't be waiting for you. We'll be done." Emily said with tears in her eyes, "I can't do this anymore… We never see each other and it's clear we have priorities that aren't each other, and don't even involve each other anymore."
"I can't not go Emily. This is a big deal and I already told my boss I would. I'll lose my internship if I don't." Hanna explained as she packed up the last of her bags.
"Em, we'll work this out, OK? We always do." Hanna said from the doorway, with tears filling her own eyes as she turned and walked out of the hotel room.
Hanna had made it halfway to the train station when she realized the mistake she had made. She couldn't leave things like that with Emily. She had to go back and work this out, even if it meant she'd be a day or two late for her new position. She and Emily were meant to be.
She quickly instructed the cab driver to turn around and to take her back to the hotel. An accident or some kind of traffic caused the taxi to come to a screeching halt. She had tried calling Emily a few times from the back of the cab, but she hadn't answered, not that Hanna really expected her to.
The delay was too much for Hanna to bear, so she quickly threw money at the driver and grabbed her bags. It was pouring rain, but Hanna barely noticed as she raced through the streets of Paris, back to the hotel. By the time she made it, she was soaking wet, but didn't care. The only thing that mattered was Emily.
When she got back to the hotel, she raced up to the room. She was thankful she still had the key card in her purse, because she wasn't sure Emily would have let her in after walking out on her. Once she finally got in the room, she searched the living room, bedroom, and bathroom, but there were no signs of Emily or any of her belongings. Hanna tried calling Emily's cell phone again, but her heart sank when she heard the ringing coming from within the room.
The realization finally hit her that she was too late. Emily had left and they were over, just like Emily had warned. Hanna's heart broke into a million pieces as tears began streaming uncontrollably down her face.
Needing the night to regain some semblance of composure, she took first train to London the next morning. She was determined to make the most of this job that had just cost her everything.
The job was what she had always dreamed of, but she couldn't even feel it. She got to work with designers all day and go to fancy industry parties, but she was miserable and lonely every night that she came back to an empty hotel room and looked at the pillow that Emily should have been sleeping on, next to her.
Hanna had tried emailing Emily dozens of times, and she even resorted to begging their mutual friends for her new number, which none of them seemed to have. A few weeks later, she decided that she needed to try one last time to get Emily back.
She cleared her plans with work for a few days. Her boss was furious, but she made up a story about a sick Aunt and guilt-tripped her boss until she let her leave. The flight to Omaha was long, especially in the crappy last minute coach seat that she blew her savings on, but she knew it would be worth it just to get a few moments alone with Emily. She needed to explain and to tell her how much she loved and needed her in her life.
Hanna arrived at the swimming facility just in time for the qualifying races to begin. She hurried up to the stands, with the bouquet of lilies (Emily's favorite) that she had stopped for along the way. Hanna watched as Emily made her way out of the locker room and began her pre-swim warm-ups. She looked beautiful, like always, and it brought tears into Hanna's eyes. She couldn't believe how stupid she had been to walk away from someone so amazing.
Hanna sat quietly and watched the various qualifying races. As expected, Emily swam several of her personal bests. There were so many swimmers there that it was hard to tell if Emily's times would hold strong, but Hanna had faith that they would.
As the last group of girls for the 500m butterfly, Emily's strongest swim, stepped up to the blocks, Hanna held her breath. Emily's time was sitting on the bubble. If any of these last girls put a time that beat hers, she wouldn't qualify.
The race was over quickly and Hanna's eyes were glued to the score boards waiting for the times to be posted. Hanna felt herself jump out of her seat when the results were in and Emily had qualified. As she stood in the stands, cheering for Emily, she watched as Emily and the other girls celebrated.
Hanna slowly began to sit back down as realization struck her. She hadn't seen Emily that happy in a long time. The last year or so had taken such a toll on both of them that she couldn't remember that last time that she saw Emily really smile, the kind of smile that actually hit her eyes.
Hanna sat quietly in the stands, as she watched the rest of the meet and saw Emily qualify for several more events, including the US women's team relay, which Hanna knew was her ultimate dream.
Hanna was happy for her, but heartbroken as well. She knew if she waited for Emily after the meet and somehow convinced her to take her back, it wouldn't be fair to Emily, or even to herself.
They both had dreams for the future, and they both had to sacrifice so much for the other to have it. Maybe too much. Love wasn't supposed to be this hard.
Hanna left the lilies in the back seat of the taxi that took her straight back to the airport.
[End flashback]
Early the next morning, Hanna woke up to find Emily still cuddled against her. They had slept the whole night in each other's arms. Hanna hated to break the contact, but she needed to use the bathroom.
She quietly and gently turned Emily over onto her back as she slid her arm out from underneath Emily's head. As Hanna opened the door for the bathroom, she looked back at Emily. She could see Emily shift, missing the warmth and comfort that Hanna's body had provided, but Hanna was pleased to see that she did not wake up.
While she was in the bathroom, Paige burst into the room, waking Emily in the process.
"Oh thank God, you're OK!" Paige exclaimed as she rushed to Emily's bed-side.
"P-Paige? Hey…" Emily said tiredly and confused as she looked around the room for Hanna.
"I'm so sorry! My phone died last night at the party and I didn't see Spencer's text until this morning." Paige explained loudly enough for Hanna to overhear as she was exiting the bathroom.
"Umm..well I should go and let you guys be alone" Hanna offered, unsure of whether Emily's confessions from the night before were how she really felt or if it was just the drugs talking. But either way, there was something she needed to do before she could have the conversation with Emily that she needed to.
"Oh, hey Hanna…thanks for being here for her. I'm sorry, I was just telling Emily that my phone died last night and I only got the news this morning. I really appreciate you being here for Emily." Paige said sincerely as she extended her arms to hug Hanna.
Hanna allowed Paige to awkwardly hug her, mostly because she was afraid that it would be too suspicious if she didn't. As Paige hugged her, she could see the apology on Emily's face. She wasn't sure though whether Emily was apologizing for Paige's interruption, or the whispered confessions that they had shared with each other.
"I mean it. You're a really good friend." Paige added as she released Hanna from the hug.
"Anytime." Hanna responded, more to Emily than to Paige. Wanting Emily to know that while she hadn't always been there for her in the past, she would be from now on.
Emily watched as Hanna walked out the door and tried her best to focus her attention on Paige. The night with Hanna had been amazing, but it didn't change the reality of their situation. Hanna was still engaged to be married, to someone else. As hard as it would be, Emily needed to let Hanna go. She needed to move on from Hanna.
As Hanna left the hospital room, she felt sure of herself for the first time, in a long time. She finally knew what she wanted and what needed to be done. Hanna checked her phone for the time. It was early, but if she hurried, she could be in New York before Jordan left for his morning meetings. If she was going to break his heart, she had to do this in person.