Daryl sighed, reaching his hand between Michonne's legs again. She echoed his sigh. He was getting frustrated, and he knew she was too. No matter what he tried, no matter how many times he tried it, she just wasn't in the mood and he was starting to really get frustrated with the situation. He was in the mood, but she just wasn't. He'd tried every button that he knew to push, even the things he knew she liked best of all.
"I told you, Daryl. Don't worry about me." Michonne said. She just couldn't get her mind in the right place for some reason tonight and it felt like this had been going on for hours. Honestly she was tired and just wanted to sleep, and that would be a lot easier when Daryl was ready to sleep.
"Yeah, but you ain't even tryin'." Daryl said in an almost whiny voice.
"I am trying, Daryl, but it's just not working. Go get the bottle of stuff out of the bathroom." Michonne said. She wasn't getting up. It was cold and far too cold to traipse around the bedroom naked. Carol had given her a look the day that she'd come in the supply room with various bottles of lubricant that she'd found and started dropping them into supply boxes. She'd told her that if they had luxuries available to them, they might as well use them. Carol hadn't missed that she'd dropped a bottle in her box too. You know, just in case. She had told her.
Daryl got up and went to the bathroom. Michonne leaned up to watch him. On his way back he stopped at the foot of the bed, holding the bottle.
"I just don't like it." He said. "It ain't real."
"No, Daryl, it isn't real, but it does make it more comfortable for both of us." Michonne said. Daryl was just standing there. "Come on." She prompted.
"It feels like you're just sayin' you want me to get this over with and you don't even wanna do it." Daryl said. Michonne sighed.
"That's not what I'm saying, Daryl. What I'm saying is that I need a little help, but I'll still enjoy it." Michonne said. Daryl made a face. "Anything but the puppy face." Michonne said, dropping dramatically onto her pillow.
Michonne knew that Daryl needed a lot of encouragement and a lot of reassurance from her. It was like he had a confidence tank, or a love tank, and the tank got low at intervals. When it got low, she had a lot of work to do to build it back up. She had to reassure him that she was there, that she wasn't going anywhere, and above everything else that she loved him entirely. It was true. She'd never loved a man like she loved Daryl, she hadn't even thought that kind of love could be possible. It was the kind of love that people talked about but she had always seen it as unattainable.
Now here was the man she loved so much, standing in front of her, wearing the face that let her know that the tank was almost empty. He had a look of total betrayal on his face…betrayal and sadness. It was as if, instead of saying essentially "hey, let's make love but how about we use this because it'll make it more comfortable" she had said "I don't love you anymore, Daryl, and I never want you to touch me again."
He didn't say anything or do anything, he just stood there with that look on his face. Michonne pushed off the covers and crawled to the foot of the bed, sitting on her knees in front of him.
"Hey, you know I love you, you made me get out from under the covers." Michonne said. It wasn't enough to get rid of the puppy face. "Come here, Daryl." She said, reaching a hand out to him and pulling him to her. She took the bottle out of his hand and then pulled him down onto the bed. "Listen, I do want to be with you, and I do want to make love to you. I just can't get to the right place right now, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be close to you, as close as I can get." She kissed him. "All this is going to do is make it more comfortable for me to get just as close to you as I can. That's all."
Daryl responded to her by kissing her again. The puppy look was gone now. "I love you, 'Chonne." Daryl said.
"I love you too, Daryl." Michonne said, smiling at him. "Now, can we get back under the covers, please? I'm freezing."
Daryl crawled back under the covers and Michonne joined him. She kissed his chest and stroked him, hoping he was distracted enough for the moment to not even pay attention to her fumbling with the bottle under the cover. He didn't seem to notice. She smiled at him. He had his hands folded behind his head and his eyes were closed.
I guess I'll take care of this. She thought to herself, still smiling at his facial expression. She straddled him and eased herself down on to him.
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MIchonne came out the door with Hope and saw Beth carrying a box and talking to Junior. She smiled at them. The budding romances were cute. Of the two new couples forming, it was like no one knew what they were doing, and each had taken on its own dynamic.
Sasha and Jimmy were definitely taking it slow. Whenever Tyreese was around the two of them, he often assumed the same countenance as a bear. Michonne thought it was cute because Tyreese normally had more of a teddy bear personality than a grizzly bear personality, but you could definitely see the grizzly come out whenever Jimmy would do something as innocent as touch Sasha's hand or shoulder. It was going to take a while for that relationship to come into full bloom because Jimmy was going to have to wait it out until Tyreese was ready to accept that Sasha was all grown up, and maybe didn't need to be lorded over so much. Michonne thought she might bring it up to Daryl to have a talk with Tyreese about letting up a little on trying to scare Jimmy to death. The boy was already a little gun shy when it came to Sasha, the added pressure wasn't going to help either of them out much.
Maggie had told them all what happened when Junior, who was apparently very old fashioned or was either acting under the advice of Dora, had come to their house one evening after dinner to formally ask Glenn and Maggie if they minded his courting of Beth. Maggie said that Glenn had tried to play the role of the overprotective father, but hadn't been very convincing at it. Even though they'd both given their blessing to the union, Michonne didn't think much had come of it yet, other than the hand holding and quick kisses they seemed to enjoy. Once Michonne had seen him put his arm around Beth's shoulder, but that was about the most physical advance that she had seen.
"You're up late." Maggie called, approaching.
"Hope let me sleep a little this morning." Michonne said.
"Can I hold her?" Maggie asked, reaching out her arms.
"Sure." Michonne said. She passed Maggie the baby and adjusted the jacket that Hope was wearing a little. Hope smiled at Maggie and Maggie kissed her forehead before settling her against her hip. "Where is everyone?"
"A bunch of people are helping Carol organize things in the stock house. Some of the others are going through houses. There's so much stuff and still so many houses. We might need to clear another house before long, especially if we decide to start doing any outside runs." Maggie said.
They both started toward the stock house.
"It's good that we've got so much, though, we don't have anything to really worry about this winter." Michonne said. Over the past month or so they'd been hard at work preparing for winter, and the cold had really settled in on them now. Everyone stayed busy, but the pace had slowed a little. The fact that they were realizing that they didn't have much to worry about made work more about passing the time and less about a frantic rush to find out what they didn't have enough of.
When they arrived at the storage house, Michonne went to the sorting room and took a box. The first step was to sort each of the incoming boxes into the categories that Carol had designated other boxes for. Then those would be taken and put away in the areas designated for each kind of thing. The system that she had established was a really great system and Carol was thrilled at how organized everything was slowly becoming.
Carol was the happiest that Michonne had seen her in a long time. Judith was not only growing like a weed, but she was thriving and it was done mostly under Carol's nurturing. Motherhood looked good on Carol. She wore it well. Instead of getting annoyed with any of Judith's toddler antics, Carol seemed to enjoy them all. Judith was becoming a mastermind at removing her clothes, and Carol never got annoyed, she simply put them back on her, scolding her as best she could and reasoning with the child that she was going to freeze her "tooshie" off if she didn't leave her clothes on.
Carol also had a dutiful assistant in most everything she did. She had gotten close to Dora, and Michonne was always amused when she caught glimpses of Dora mothering Carol. Michonne had come to really enjoy Dora. She was so positive, so bubbly and uplifting. She was a difficult person to not like. She just sort of won you over even against your will.
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Dora was beginning to love this place, and she realized she was beginning to love the people that she had come to know here. This group really was a family, flawed as it may be, and she felt like they were making room for her to join that family. The boys, who she regarded as her boys, were beginning to twitterpate with the girls in the group, and their shy advances were fun to watch. The group was even beginning to accept Frank, her old grump, into the fold, if as nothing more than a slightly crotchety old uncle who said little to anyone.
The atmosphere here was an atmosphere that Dora had never imagined she would see again in her life. Everyone was happy and light. The only time there was ever concern was when someone went for water. The anticipation was high on the outside of the fence, and when you went for water, you worried something might happen and you might not make it back to your happy home. When you weren't the one that went for water you mentally counted the minutes in your head that the small group had been gone, worrying that something would happen to them out there and that they might not come back to the gates, asking to be let in. That was when they worried, but other than that, they were mostly worry free, and that was a good feeling.
Dora had even noticed that Rick, who had seemed to be the most reclusive of the group, had started interacting with them more. His face was often much more relaxed than it had been when she'd first arrived, and she'd even seen him laugh and share a joke or two with Daryl and Tyreese. Maybe he was getting relaxed too.
The best news of all, in Dora's opinion, was that they were realizing how long they could realistically stay here, and it sounded like it was a good long time. They hadn't even begun sending people out on "runs" as they called them when they discussed it, and Daryl had strategically picked this town so that they would be surrounded by other towns that they could get to relatively easy.
It was exciting to think that they might make it out of this. She was beginning to think again that she might get her wish to die in her bed, an old woman. What warmed her heart even more at this point was that she could imagine, just a little, dying an old woman in her bed, surrounded by family and friends. She had thought before how bad it would feel if she lost Frank out there and then she died, with no one who loved her left.
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"Let's take a walk across the street for a minute, Michonne." Carol said after they'd been working for a while.
Michonne got up and checked on Hope, who Maggie was wearing around while she worked. The baby was asleep, and Maggie was fine with her, so she followed Carol.
"What's up?" Michonne asked.
"Nothing, just need to do something." Carol said.
When they got there, Carol told Michonne to go into the conference room and she'd be in there in a minute. Michonne went and sat on the couch to wait.
"You're about to not like me very much." Carol said coming into the room, carrying a bottle of rubbing alcohol.
Michonne realized what Carol was up to.
"It hasn't been three months." Michonne said.
"Yes it has, I've been keeping track on a piece of paper in the kitchen. I got everyone else after breakfast. I thought you might prefer doing this alone, though, since Maggie can't laugh at you this way." Carol said.
"I want to talk to you first." Michonne said. Carol sighed.
"I've gotten even better. Rachel said so." Carol said. "I know you're just stalling, but you're just giving yourself more worry time."
"No, I'm serious." Michonne said. "I want to talk to you."
Carol could see in Michonne's face that besides the nervous look of someone fighting with a phobia, there was a certain urging there. She sat down in the couch beside Michonne and put everything on the coffee table, except for the syringe which she put beside her and out of Michonne's line of vision.
"OK, what do you want to talk about?" Carol asked.
Michonne was quiet for a few minutes, like she knew what she wanted to say, but she wasn't sure exactly how she wanted to say it.
"Daryl wants us to have another baby." Michonne said.
"Do you want to have another baby?" Carol asked.
Michonne was silent for another minute. "I think I do."
"Have you thought about this, Michonne?" Carol asked gently. Michonne gave her a look. Carol snickered. Of course Michonne had thought about this. There was very little that Michonne said or did without thinking.
"We're safe here." Michonne said. "We're going to be here long enough for me to get through the pregnancy and have some recovery time."
"Maybe more than that." Carol said.
"If we travel in the vehicles I can ride in the car to feed when I need to. We could avoid what happened last time. If we have two and it comes down to foot travel, Daryl can carry one and I can carry the other. We can share the responsibility." Michonne said.
"That's true. It's a lot of responsibility, though, if it comes down to that." Carol said. "That means worrying about two instead of just one."
"I have thought about that too. If we do keep on going, Carol, and we do figure out a way to make this life work out for us, though, then there will be a future for Hope and for Judith. We don't know what will happen with everyone else, or who we'll find or they'll find out there, but at least if I had one more they'd have some family to depend on." Michonne said.
"And we don't know, I mean someone else might feel compelled eventually to start their own family if things continue like they are." Carol said. "Maybe they'll just be the next generation." She thought for a minute. It was odd to think that they had forgotten for a while about the possibility of future generations, of a future entirely.
"I don't want to wait too long, Carol. I want to make sure we'll be here long enough for the pregnancy and long enough for me to get my strength back so I'm not a drain on the group. I also don't want to wait too long because I'm not as young as I was, you know?" Michonne said.
"How old are you?" Carol asked.
"I'm not really sure, Carol, but I'm old enough that the amount of time I've got left to be planning babies is limited." Michonne said.
Carol nodded her understanding to Michonne. She didn't know how old she was anymore either. She doubted sincerely if anyone could answer that question.
"I tell you what." Carol said after a few minutes. "I'm guessing that Hope is about six months old, give or take. Why don't we dose you this time and give your body a little more time to recuperate, then next time if you're still set on doing this then I won't dose you again. You can just let it wear off and before you know it you'll be barfing in the bushes."
"Ugh." Michonne said, making a face.
"You also get some time to think about the unpleasant things you'll be repeating." Carol said. She stood up and patted the couch. "Here, pants down and lie down. We'll get this over with."
Daryl had stepped in the door at that moment.
"What is going on in here?" He asked with a snicker. Michonne unbuttoned her pants and lie on the couch.
"Just torturing your bride." Carol said. Daryl watched her give Michonne the shot.
"I wish you wouldn't do that." He said.
"We've already had a conversation about your future offspring." Carol said. "You're waiting three more months."
Daryl made a face at her but didn't say anything.
"What do you need, Daryl?" Carol asked, unsure if he'd come for her or Michonne who was now refastening her pants.
"I came to tell ya that we done filled up the area you designated for soap and we need ya to tell us where you want us to keep puttin' it."
"That's a decision you couldn't make, Daryl?" Carol said. Michonne snickered.
Daryl scratched his head. "Well, yeah, I mean I can point to some shelves if ya want me to, but since it's you that's gonna be tryin' to find everything later I figured you might want to do the directin'."
Carol smiled at him. "We're on our way over now." Daryl turned and headed back out the door.
"I swear, sometimes I think that the easiest decisions are the hardest things for some of the people around here to take action on." Carol said. Michonne followed her into the kitchen while she put things away.
"Sometimes it's like that." Michonne said.
Carol stopped for a minute. "Michonne, I don't know how to deliver a baby. I mean I helped Hershel a little, but I wasn't really paying attention. I don't really know what to do."
"Well, when the time comes we'll just let my body tell us what to do." Michonne said. "People have had babies without doctors for centuries."
Carol nodded. She turned around and smiled at Michonne, squeezing her arm. "You're right. Let's get back to work and solve their epic crisis."
Michonne smiled and followed Carol back across the street.
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"You warm enough yet?" Daryl asked, walking around the bed and adjusting the blanket he'd piled on top of the already large mound. He'd been looting as many of them as he could out of houses, and trying to get the pile large enough to satisfy Michonne, who apparently had no ability to absorb heat.
Michonne giggled at him, she was still lying under the pile. They'd been talking and upon her shivering Daryl had gotten up and started producing extra blankets from a box he had in the corner.
"I'm warming up a little." She said. Daryl slid back under the cover and pulled her back up against him.
"I think you just gave me sheet burn." Michonne said.
"Sorry." Daryl said.
"Back to what I was saying, Daryl." Michonne started. "It's not that I'm trying to be mean or deprive you or anything. Believe me that I would love to give you everything that you ever wanted or dreamed of, but one more baby is my limit."
They had hashed and rehashed this argument a hundred times, but only shallowly. Michonne had decided that tonight it really needed to be addressed instead of just ignored and put away, since Daryl had become very excited to know that Michonne was seriously discussing their second child with Carol.
"First off, it's not practical. I think we can handle two children. We're strong enough together that we stand a pretty good chance of protecting them." Michonne said. Daryl silently listened to her, tracing his finger up and down her arm. "Secondly there are the logistics of it. It's physically demanding to grow a baby and to give birth to it, not even mentioning the taking care of it after it's here. I don't think I'm as young as you think I am, and I know I'm not as immortal or indestructible as you think I am." Michonne continued. There was still no response from Daryl other than the continued tracing. "After a certain age it's harder for a woman to have a baby, more complications can happen. There could be bigger threats for me and for the baby. If the baby came early we don't have any way to save it. Daryl, I don't think I could handle that if I were in a situation where I knew we just had to wait for it to die. I couldn't handle just waiting and watching our baby die and knowing that there wasn't anything I could do."
Daryl leaned up and rolled Michonne onto her back. He leaned over her.
"Why didn't ya say somethin' 'bout that before?" He asked. "I don't want that. I don't want nothin' hurtin' you 'Chonne, and I don't want nothin' happenin' to our kids."
"That's why I think it's better if we just have the two and throw in the towel, Daryl. I know you always thought you'd have four, but I'm just not the woman that can give you that." Michonne said. "I wish I could, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing it."
Daryl kissed her and lied back down. She rolled over so that she could face him.
"I wish you'da said somethin' before." Daryl said. "I wouldn'ta ragged you 'bout it so much."
"It's OK, Daryl, I'm not mad about you ragging me. I just wanted you to understand that it's not that I just don't want to consider what you wanted, it's that I just don't think it would be good for any of us if I did." Michonne said. Daryl slid his head closer to her and kissed her again.
"It don't matter, 'Chonne. I reckon' two is just as good as four, I mean two is a good number." Daryl said.
Michonne smiled. "Two is a good number, Daryl. I'm sorry that you have to change the family in your head so much."
"I like this family better anyway." Daryl said. "This one is really mine. The other don't really belong to no one."
They lie there a few minutes in silence.
"What we gon' name him?" Daryl asked after a minute. Michonne giggled.
"Daryl, you do understand that I have zero control in whether or not our second child is a boy or a girl, right? I mean you've got a fifty fifty chance of having another daughter or of having a son." She said.
"I done told ya 'Chonne, mine come out even, and even if there's only two, they still gonna come out even." Daryl said.
Michonne smiled again. "Alright, assuming it's a boy, what do you want to name him?"
"I don't know." Daryl said. "I ain't thought about it."
"Well, did any of the kids in your head have names?" Michonne asked.
"Nah, they was just sorta there, you know? They didn't have no names or nothin'." Daryl said.
"Well then you've got time to think about it. You might want to consider some girl names too while you're thinking about it." Michonne said.
"It's gonna be a boy." Daryl said. "I know that much."
"Daryl," Michonne started after a minute, "what did your wife look like in your head?"
Daryl didn't say anything.
"I know what my wife looks like, 'Chonne." Daryl said after a moment.
"I know that now, but the one in your head, the one that could have your four children, what did she look like?" Michonne pressed.
Daryl didn't say anything.
"Come on, Daryl, tell me. I promise that I'm not going to be jealous over a woman that you made up in your head. I just want to know what your imaginary wife looked like. Did she have a name?" Michonne pressed.
"No, she ain't had no name. Like the kids she was just sorta there." Daryl said.
"What did she look like?" Michonne repeated, rubbing a finger on Daryl's chin. He kissed it when she ran it across his lips.
"I don't know. She was kinda like them women in the black and white t.v. shows." Daryl said. "She had froofy hair and she wore a lotta dresses." Daryl said.
Michonne giggled. "What color was her "froofy" hair?"
"Blonde, but dark blonde." Daryl said.
"What color were her eyes?" Michonne asked.
"I don't know, I didn't get that detailed with her. I just know she liked me alright and I was good to her 'cause I didn't hit on her never." Daryl said. "I like what I got a whole lot better than I liked her, though." Daryl said.
"You're a good husband, Daryl." Michonne said after a minute of just looking at him. He smiled, that genuine smile of thanks that he gave her when she'd said something that meant a lot to him. "And it's more than the fact that you don't hit me. You're just a good husband all the way around."
"It's easy to be a good husband when I got me a wife that I love so much." Daryl said. "All I gotta do is do exactly what I want to do for ya." He kissed her, and rubbed her face.
"Let's get some sleep, Daryl." Michonne said. "I don't want to sleep through breakfast again tomorrow." Daryl smiled.
"Roll on over." He said. "I'll warm ya up so as you can sleep."
Michonne rolled over and snuggled against Daryl. She must have drifted off before him because she never heard him start to snore.