Sorry I took so long. Stuff piled up. Homework, tests, the usual.
Reviewers - Queenzeze, Lolly1o1, and my faithful Emily-at-random, thanks so much!
Do you like my new cover picture? I drew it myself. I learned from one of my two best friends, who I know is gonna read this sometime or the other. I never got around to saying thank you properly.
"Amu-chan…"
"Nadeshiko? What's wrong?"
"I have a favor to ask of you."
"What?"
"Would you let me see...your world?"
"What?! But Nadeshiko, why-"
"Amu-chan, the only way I can raise my level is getting magic, real magic. I've already hit the limit of what I can do already."
"You can't! This isn't a video game, Nadeshiko!"
"I-I...I know. I won't ask again."
"Oh-okay. Okay, then."
"Amu-chan..."
"What?"
" I...you're my best friend. Okay?"
"Uh...okay. You're my best friend too."
"I'm headed out."
"Okay. See you later!"
"Yeah. I'll...I'll be back soon."
I woke slowly, reluctant to leave the warm, safe dream that had caressed me in its arms for a few brief moments. Sunlight lit up the room with a golden glow, and it seemed like the world was filled with color.
I stretched and sighed, the remnants of one of my last conversations with Nadeshiko still haunting my mind. Every time she spoke in my mind-and I hallucinated of her quite a lot-I was reminded that soon, I would I have to leave here. Nadeshiko's actions had doomed me to wander forever. But maybe by the time I had to flee, I would have gathered enough hope to last me for a few more years.
I guess that was my problem. With the slightest encouragement I turned enthusiastic and cheerful, never able to dwell on a problem too long. New friends had lit a spark within me, and now it was a raging fire of hope.
I headed downstairs, dressed in the sweater and jeans Utau had set out for me last night. The windows were misted with cold and snow dusted the sills. I shivered, suddenly feeling thankful for the warm house and fresh cinnamon smell wafting towards me as I reached the kitchen.
Utau was munching silently on a piece of cinnamon bread, dressed in an off-shoulder purple top and silver leggings. It seemed forcedly casual. As if it was something someone else had put out for her, pushed her into like a baby in a silk dress.
Ikuto was sitting at the far edge of the table closest to the window, brooding as he stared out at the snow-topped landscape ahead of him. The plate of bread before him was untouched.
Utau looked up hurriedly at my arrival, standing up awkwardly and nearly shoving me a slice of bread.
"Good morning! Have some bread." She said, putting on a falsely cheery smile and steering me over to a chair. Utterly bewildered, I lifted my knife warily and began to eat.
Ikuto stood, bread still uneaten. Casting a suspicious glance over at me, he slipped on his shoes and left without a word.
"Well," Utau cleared her throat. "I've gotta get going. I have a song to record. Take care of the housework. Of course I could handle it myself, but…" Face reddening, she too ran out the door.
"Yeah right. Like you 'could handle it yourself', Little Miss Stubborn." I grumbled as the door slammed behind her.
But something was definitely off. Utau, from what I'd seen in the past couple of days, would never be one to offer me bread in such a happy voice. The bitterness, the grief that always lingered in their eyes, it bugged me. Even Yaya disguised her unhappiness with a bright smile and piles of candy.
What was their sadness?
"Don't stare at me, don't capture me,
I'm a butterfly that's lost her way
I sing of freedom on invisible wings
I've hidden them deep inside your heart!"
Humming along to the music break of Utau's song, I spun the mop like it was my nonexistent dance partner. My sock caught on the wet tile, and Utau's next words were drowned out by my scream. The ground lurched towards me as I fell, and as I made contact with the tile I saw the radio out of the corner of my eye, falling-
"Ouch!" I slid my now-swollen foot out from under the radio and examined in thoroughly. I attempted walking on it but stumbled, though it honestly didn't hurt that bad.
"You are clumsy, aren't you." Kairi offered me a hand, face blank and eyes hidden by the glare of his glasses. Where had he come from?
Tadase-kun, who seemed to have accompanied him, set the radio gently back atop the counter. "Amu-chan, are you okay?"
I pushed myself back on to my feet, wincing as my injured foot touched the floor. "I'm fine. But why are you here?"
Tadase-kun smiled. "It's Sunday, and seeing as everyone was busy, we decided to check up on you."
I blushed. Had they seen me singing?
"Hm. It's been a while since I heard any amatuer but Yaya sing." Kairi said, eyeing me as if my mediocre voice was a fatal flaw.
"Where is everyone?" I asked, embarrassed by Kairi's stare.
"Well, Yuiki-san has ballet, Nagihiko has dance, Mashiro-san's parents are out and won't let her go out alone, Utau-chan's working, and Ikuto-niisan is...well...no one really knows where he goes after work." Tadase-kun recounted.
"Don't you have demons to fight?" I asked coolly, as my shell slammed shut around me. I could feel my own gaze harden, and my muscles stiffened.
"Well, they only show up sometimes. We're actually free, do you need any help?" Tadase-kun was so polite, it almost broke my cold cover. But my facade was unstoppable. I had needed it more than ever in the past three years, to shield myself from the sadness that I would have easily succumbed to otherwise. And now, I couldn't let it go.
"Thanks, but no thanks. I'm actually done."
Tadase-kun bit his lip anxiously. "Sorry, Amu-chan. And - would you like me to address me more formally? It's just, I don't know your last name, and…" I had managed to upset him quite a lot, hadn't I?
"It's fine. And it's Hinamori." I turned so I was no longer facing Tadase-kun and Kairi.
"Hinamori-san. Something is wrong, is it not?" Kairi edged his way over to the sink and scrutinized me with stone-cold eyes. I flinched and turned further.
"No, it's fine, everything's fine."
"Don't lie, Amu-chan." There it was, Nadeshiko's voice. The hallucinations that had shadowed me since she betrayed me three years ago.
"It's me this time, the real me. I miss you very much, Amu-chan. Why don't you come and get me? Then we can be together again, right? Like the old days."
So cruel. Nadeshiko, even if you only exist in my head, we can never live like the old days. The things you did were unforgivable.
"That's right...I hurt you so bad, didn't I? I'm so sorry, Amu-chan. But you always liked the human world."
Not as much as I loved my home, and my family! Ami, Mama, Papa, they must have given up by now. And it was all your fault, Nadeshiko. Your fault that I was banished. Your fault you died.
"But Amu-chan, I'm not dead. They're keeping me prisoner. So please, I'm begging you now, come save me."
Lies. I was going insane. The fake Nadeshiko was driving me crazy.
"Amu-chan, p-please. They torture me, trying to get information. They'll kill me if you don't come. The hallucinations are real, Amu-chan! All of them have been!"
I pretended to absorb myself in washing dishes, ignoring Tadase-kun and Kairi's concerned glances..
"I'm so happy that you found friends. They're wonderful people. I have to go now, Amu-chan, but please remember. The laughter we once shared. The happiness, the innocence. Do you remember, when we used to be best friends?"
She faded away, echoes of her words still haunting me minutes after her voice had silenced. Tadase-kun and Kairi began to engage me in conversation, not knowing the battle I had just fought within myself, and laughed, though a bit shakily, along with them. The day passed in a blur of happiness, though dark thoughts occasionally clouded the joy.
Nadeshiko's voice followed me everywhere. I knew that it couldn't be real, because they had killed her for sure. But now, I wondered…
Do I still hate you, Nadeshiko?
"I'm headed out!" I called, and Utau gave me a thumbs up before resuming her practice. It had been days since Nadeshiko hallucinations had plagued me, and I was happy as I could be in my circumstances.
Humming softly to myself, I stepped out into the biting cold. The little town looked adorable in the fresh snow. Houses glowed invitingly with golden lights, and people were finally beginning setup of the Christmas tree in the town center. And the best part? It was so cold out and the snow was so fresh that there wasn't any disgusting slush around.
I wandered away from the hustle and bustle, knowing that my invisibility would only get me into trouble there. I was the only one, apart from Utau and the rest, who could see me. Even the mirror reflected nothing back at me.
I didn't know why I had left. Utau's management was planning a huge Christmas promotion party (which I would have to think up a way to get out of) and as Utau's "helper" I should be helping.
But I had begun to crave alone time again, though invisibility was horrible. It wasn't not being seen-in fact, that problem had already been solved. It was the sadness, the loneliness, that came with it. The empty feeling that filled you up when you looked into a pond and saw nothing but faint ripples of water. Your identity, your smile, your story was reduced to nothing but an nonexistent face and an empty heart. The Guardian Court had certainly known that isolation for eternity would make me miserable for eternity.
I was happier now, happier than I had been for three years. It had come back slowly, the joy that I once had, and now it was a part of my life. I had another seven days-Christmas break had begun three days ago-before school resumed. The countdown ticked inside my head, and a bitter feeling filled my mouth with the close of every day.
I began to climb a hill, hoping that maybe I could see the Christmas tree and all those decorations. From afar, of course. I couldn't risk being with so many people.
It was a tough climb, mainly because I avoided using magic. It was just so hard, in this unfamiliar world where the ground was stone-cold like the hearts of many people.
I was tired but refreshed as I clambered over a lump of snow obviously hiding a rock and found myself at the hilltop. The land stretched out before me, dusted in layers of snow and glowing with Christmas lights. I let myself fall backwards, falling into the snow and letting it cover me like a cold blanket. The sky was pale blue, cloudless, but void of vivid colors. It was beautiful to look at, and soon I lost myself in the endless blue depths.
Christmas was Nadeshiko's favorite holiday. Was it cruel fate that she had gotten caught mere weeks before? Or that I had found a new life two days before the third Christmas since she left, and chained me here? I was thinking of her with every step that I took. She was evil, cruel. Yet I couldn't get her out of my mind. It was a vicious circle of guilt and hate. A vicious circle that I was trapped inside of.
I sat up, hands beginning to get numb. How long had I been here? An hour? In any case, I needed to get back.
Stumbling through the snowdrifts, I began to pick my way down the steep slope. It was harder than I had anticipated. My foot caught on a branch and I tumbled down, screams muffled by the snow in my mouth. I was moving fast, too fast to control myself. I curled up tight, bracing for impact, but instead I rolled to a gentle stop.
I fall a lot. Get used to it.
I wasn't entirely down the hill. By the looks of the landscape around me, I guessed that I was about a quarter way down. A few trees had made a little clearing, with a frozen pond and a few snowy bushes. As I turned, I spotted something.
Silhouetted against the whiteness was Ikuto.
He hadn't noticed me, apparently, as he was absorbed in something he was holding. It was a case, of a musical instrument perhaps. His hands were shaking slightly as they approached the clasp. this was obviously something important, something personal for him. He hadn't even noticed me, sharp hearing and all.
I stepped closer. Over the past few days, I had gotten to everyone, what they like and what ticked them off. Their smile, their voice. But with Ikuto, he just came and went. Elusive as a stray cat, silent as one too.
Ikuto fumbled with the silver clasp, breath billowing in front of him. His fingertips closed on the metal and then I realized how much I was violating his privacy.
I fled as quietly as I could.
Ikuto came home late, clutching the case as if it was his whole life. Utau and I had already finished eating and were washing the dishes.
"Serve yourself, Ikuto." Utau said. "I let you come home late, but I'm not gonna be your maid."
"Looks like Amu put an attitude in you." Ikuto lazily grabbed a glass of water.
"I always had an attitude." Utau replied softly. "You just never bothered to look for it."
As Ikuto ascended the stairs, without a word of apology to Utau, I contemplated following him and asking what the case was. But would he be mad that I had seen him?
Utau eventually left, more subdued than usual. Long after noise dwindled to the slow ticking of the clock and the occasional owl's hoot, I stayed at the table. My fingers played absently with the red-checked tablecloth, thinking of Ikuto's mysterious case, and before I knew it I was asleep.
Ikuto crept down the stairs, case slung over his back. His eyebrows knitted in confusion as he saw Amu, head on the table, asleep. What was she doing on the table?
Her face was scrunched up in discomfort, and in her sleep she mumbled something that sounded like "Lee muh lone."
Nightmares. The little girl was more complex than he had thought. She was hiding something, though he didn't care to pry. He looked away, ignoring her cry out softly in her sleep.
Ikuto's eyes darted over to her boots, lying crooked on the shoe-rack like she had come home in a hurry.
He peered down at the pattern on the bottom of the boots. The size, the shape-there was no doubting it. Amu had seen him at the hill-clearing.
He wasn't angry, no. He hadn't had the guts to open it anyway. But she had seen him, seen his vulnerability. That was the first step to breaking his wall.
If he let her in, it would end like last time. His heart would be shattered all over again.
The translation of Lunatic Butterfly was from Crunchyroll.
Like it? Hate it? I'd like to know.