Who Am I

Chapter 2

He still came to work…he still joked at inappropriate times to help ease the tension of the moment…he still did all those distinctly Deeks things to annoy and irritate.

But he wasn't here…not really; and not in the sense that really mattered, because he was no longer Deeks. No longer that annoying, loud mouthed, snarky detective that had finally managed to get under his skin…to finally find a place in his tight knit circle. No, this being before him was not Marty Deeks, but a parody of the man he used to be…timid, unsteady and riding a ragged edge.

To be fair about it, none of them were the same as they were this time last year…so very much had happened…to all of them. Even now he could see Callen still struggling with the fall out and guilt from the Siderov case: could see a fear and uncertainty, followed by a resigned understanding, in Kensi's eyes when she would look at her partner…those looks and feelings now tempered with an insider's knowledge of what it was to be truly helpless and afraid. And to top it off, his teammate now had the additional struggle of renewed feelings of hurt and betrayal as the identity of the White Ghost was revealed.

He was still uncertain how he felt about that…after all these years, for Jack to appear in their lives again. It left a hollow, roiling feeling in the pit of his stomach; it could have been any of them-himself, Steve…any of his old comrades. That insipid demon, PTSD-monsters that roamed freely through your daylight hours, not content with just invading your sleep. He truly wondered at what those demons were that led Jack down his path as he looked back at what he himself had endured and suffered these many years as an active SEAL and later as an agent.

So many of his fellows got lost in it…why hadn't he? He remembered what he had told Nate after Siderov… "…I can't help that guy that was sitting in the chair…I can only help the guy that is here now…"

He knew part of the answer…Michelle, his kids, his partner…his team…they helped him stay focused on now and future, not dwell on the damaging and futile 'what if's' of yesterday; but Jack had support…he had Kensi, who would have moved heaven and earth for him. So why had he succumb?

Sam shrugged his shoulders and guessed it was something as grotesquely simple as 'timing'…you had to be ready to face those demons, no one could face them for you; and no amount of love in the world can take you where you're not ready to go. But, Jack had finally found his peace, finally put his demons to rest in the very heart of the beast that took his soul from him.

So what about his team…were they ready to face their demons…were they ready to open up and trust one and other with their very souls. Their roads, their demons, their uncertainties were as the same as they were unique…what if they weren't ready to take that road together…or at the very least, go down that road at the same time, to get back to someplace they could be a team again.

No, he couldn't help yesterday's Deeks, or Kensi or Callen…but he could help the team he had now…today. He wasn't giving them up without a fight…and he didn't kid himself for a moment, he might still lose the fight, but no matter how long it took, he was not going to lose this war.

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a/n: and the fight against the demons of PTSD are indeed all encompassing and insipid…many battles are lost, but still more can be won with patience and diligence: my daughter has been battling PTSD and bi-polar for more than half her life…it's not easy, it is daily, it is heart-wrenching and it is confusing as hell to those not suffering from it…but with the right combination of therapy and medications it can be surmounted. Just know, if you or a loved one are going through trying emotional times there can be light at the end of a long dark tunnel and that you will lose as many battles as you win…BUT, you can win!