Note: The following is a fictional parody. If you are offended easily, please leave and have a nice day
Edited/Co-Written by DragonBall787
Chapter 3 - The Dinner Party
"Mom, do I REALLY have to wear this?!" Naruto flushed in embarrassment as he looked down on his orange tuxedo and thought,'This is the worst color you can get for a tux...'
"You're gonna look so cute in this!" Kushina said to herself while tying the tie onto Naruto. She didn't notice at all that it was a bit too tight on him.
"MOM!" Naruto snapped and she immediately dazed out.
"What!? Oh...sorry about that sweetie!" She apologized, while chuckling over Naruto's pouting face.
"You know, your father wore this when I first met him..." She looked up as a harp played in the distance.
Flashback-
"HEY LITTLE PUNK!" A young Kushina yelled at Minato who was sitting peacefully, reading a book about the Theory of Relativity.
She walked over and knocked the book out his hand, "YOU'VE BEEN SNEAKING GLANCES AT ME ALL DAY! SOMETHING YOU WANNA SAY?!"
Minato started to sweat nervously, his pathological lying started to kick in at sound of his voice.
"Yeah, it's just you're so ugly, you look like a horse...I mean red hair? How cliche can you get? That hairdo just screams 'I'm going to become a stripper in the near future' !" Minato teased.
Kushina started to grit her teeth, she pulled Minato off the bench and started to beat him mercilessly. All the people started to walk by as if they didn't notice anything.
"OW OW! OWWWWW!"
And that was the day Minato fell in love with Kushina.
End Flashback-
Naruto blinked and stared at Kushina, who seemed to be having the same expression. After a moment passed, they started to go back to what they were doing.
"Naruto, please don't mess this up, I know you must hate it down at that new school..." Kushina pleaded.
Naruto tried to explain, "No, I don't actually, I have some friends and we get to watch movies and stuff... only one problem, ok there is a LOT of problems...and one of them is about Sasuk-"
"Oh yeah! Naruto you two will along so well, don't worry, if he harms you I'll put the hurting on him!" Kushina promised.
Naruto tried to speak, "Well actually he-"
DING DONG!
Kushina yelped with glee, "It must be him now!" She ran down the stairs and opened the door, it was...Garp.
Kushina greeted, "Oh, hello Mr. Monkey? Or is Garp your last name?"
Garp scratched his head, "Just call me Garp, I'm here to speak to your husband about your porch, you see two friends of mine and I have been playing cards on this porch for years and we were wondering if-"
Kushina once again cut someone off as she pushed Garp out of the doorway, Sasuke's family had finally arrived.
"Hello Mrs. Uzumaki, I'm Fugaku Uchiha," He shook her hand lightly and then pointed at Itachi, "This is my eldest son Itachi, he's a bit grouchy today..."
Kushina smiled and kneeled down towards Sasuke, she pinched his cheeks until they were a bright shade of red.
"Ouch!" Sasuke shrieked as he pulled away from her. Kushina just wanted to pinch them even more.
"So, you guys should come in," She ushered the three into household.
Garp then walked up again, "But what about the por-" Kushina slammed the door in his face causing him to growl, "Man the nerve of that beautiful woman! I was in the middle of politely asking her a question and she just slams the door shut in my face!" Garp growled and jaywalked across the street.
He got to the other side and stood next to...a large, fifty-foot Dragon and a normal, bland guy.
"Can you believe this! We've had that porch forever! And now Mr. Big-shot mayor guy thinks he's all that!" The guy complained.
"ROAARRRR!" The dragon agreed.
"I know right, this is a travesty!"
"How about you guys just SHUT UP, and play on Garp's porch!" A purple man with large horns yelled from his large castle in the distance.
"IT'S THE PRINCIPAL COLD!" Garp shouted back, "I remember when I first met the porch..."
Another harp was heard in the background as Garp stared into the sky.
Flashback-
It was the summer of 1928-
"WOAH WOAH WOAH!" The guy yelled in confusion, "How old are you Garp?"
"What? Me? I'm abouttttt...127 years old," He stated proudly.
"ROARRRR!"
"Wow really? I expected you to be...older..." The guy muttered.
"Can it Igneel! Now will you two let me finish my flashback!" Garp yelled.
Anyways, it was the summer of 1928, and I had a full head of luscious hair...and a no good, two-faced son, who decided he was TOO good for the military and became a deadbeat nomad!
Garp panted angrily, causing his two comrades to blink in confusion.
Sorry about that... anyways I had friends before you two, their names were Sengoku and Smoker...and boy were they such a hassle.
"Man! Look at that nice porch, it's a shame we can't use it to play cards everyday, it's nicely developed, it isn't broken down and it's painted!" Sengoku said with a sigh, "...Oh well..."
Garp stared at the porch and walked towards the sidewalks and ran across the street, a man crashed into him...his car broke into an anvil.
"OK WOAH! That makes no sense!-"
"WILL YOU LET ME FINISH ISSHIN!? THANK YOU!"
Anyway I had crossed the street and sat down in one of the chairs, and boy I'll tell you, it was the most comfortable thing I've ever sat in, it was made out of the skin of three-hundred pirates.
"COME ON GUYS! THIS SEAT IS AMAZING!" Garp yelled
"Eh, whatever" Smoker said as he crossed the street and sat down..."You overhyped the seats" Smoker grunted.
"I didn't say ALL the seats did I?"
Sengoku was the last to cross, when he finally got there he pulled out a pack of cards and three played Go Fish! Until midnight.
End Flashback-
"Then, Sengoku and Smoker moved away and Isshin moved in, it was a sad day for the neighborhood..." Garp concluded his story.
"Wow, thanks Garp..." Isshin said while rolling his eyes in a sarcastic manner.
"ROAR!"
"What are we going to do about the porch?" Igneel asked. This caused a mischievous smirk to curl on Garp's face.
"Zehahaha!" He laughed maniacally.
-Inside the House-
Kushina started to cook dinner while Minato conversed with Itachi and Sasuke.
"So, Itachi...do you have a job?" He asked nervously. Itachi just started to laugh insanely.
"BAHAHAHAHAHA! OH MY GOODNESS! WOOOHAHAHAHA!" He fell out of his seat and continued to laugh.
"That means no..." Fugaku said while fiddling his thumbs, an awkward atmosphere had taken over the dinner table.
"Soooo, did you see Dragon Ball Super?"
-Naruto's Room-
"Alright look Sasuke, I don't like you and you don't like me, so let's just pretend to be friends until the night ends...got it?" Naruto grabbed the Uchiha's shoulders.
Sasuke just squinted, "And what happens if I just kick you butt for an hour?"
"I'll have you know that I watched Lassie three times today!...I can take anything!" Naruto bragged.
Sasuke rolled his eyes and sat on Naruto's bed, whistling, "...Got any games?"
"Nope, my Dad thinks games are propaganda generated by society to lower kid's self esteem and make them work for 'The Man'," Naruto bluntly stated.
"The Man?" Sasuke questioned.
"Yeah, he's some big shot know it all who ruins everybody's day...reminds me of you," Naruto said with a smirk.
"Funny," Sasuke said while yawning, "I'm going to take a nap, don't disturb me," Sasuke immediately lied in a fetal position.
Naruto looked at Sasuke's peaceful face and slightly smiled, "You aren't that ba-"
Sasuke started snoring before he could finish.
Suddenly, a rock was thrown at Naruto's window and he shrieked, "What the?!"
He opened it up and saw Natsu outside with a rock in his hand, "Jerk!"
Natsu threw another rock which hit Naruto in the face. Naruto yelled in pain, "What's your problem?!"
"You invite Sasuke to your house but I'm not allowed because I'm 'destructive'!" Natsu whined.
"Look, not now man, Sasuke and I just went through emotional characterization! Don't ruin this for me!" Naruto shut his window before another rock could hit him.
"Man, I really need to branch out and make more friends..." Naruto groaned.
-Downstairs-
The doorbell rung and Minato quickly ran to answer it, he would do anything to get away Fugaku and Itachi.
"I got it!" He said as he slightly pulled the door open. The door suddenly then flung open with a large force and 3 men with suits were standing tall and proud.
"Hey, you guys look familiar...aren't you Monkey D. Garp?" Minato questioned as he pulled at one of the men's fake beard.
Garp quickly slapped his hand away however; "We are the National Porch Inspection! And we think you have porch bugs!" Isshin, who was on the right of Garp, stated.
"Really? Porch Inspection? Where's your ID?" Minato asked. He wasn't buying any of this one bit.
"Here you go!" Garp pulled out a sticky note and handed it to Minato.
Minato snorted, "Your name is Yeknom D. Prag? Really?"
"Uhhh...Yes..." He coughed.
"You're not getting the porch!" Minato slammed the door and went back to the table.
The door rung again and Minato growled, he ran over and swung it open, "WHAT WHAT WHAT!?"
"Greetings, I am Yeknom D. Prag-"
Minato slammed the door shut once again, this time locking it.
"What the heck is his problem?" Yeknom stated as he walked back to his van, his colleagues followed in suite.
"Oh well, guess he doesn't want his porch bugs gone, they grow the more they are exposed to sheer stupidity..." Nihssi shook his head in shame.
Inside a small little crevice on Minato's porch, red, glowing eyes beamed, a hiss was also heard.
Natsu ran towards the front door and tried to push it with his shoulder, "You can't lock me out forever, NARUTO!" He continued to push and push until his shoulder turned purple.
"I can't do this all day long!" He said while tears streamed down his cheeks. Meanwhile, the porch bugs started to grow.
"We still have Plan B!" Garp said as he and Isshin walked up to the porch, Igneel saw Natsu and gasped.
"ROARRRR!"
"Natsu! You are supposed to be at the house!"
"Roar roar!" Natsu replied as he pointed at his shoulder, Igneel picked him up and placed him on his back, and flew off towards a large mountain at the center of the forest.
"That was stupid..." Isshin stated
Once again, the porch bugs grew, they about the size of a dinner plate at this point.
"Anyway! Back to the plot!" Garp said as rung Minato's doorbell, nobody answered.
The porch bugs started grow even more, the porch slightly cracked but no one had noticed.
"I was sure that would work" Garp picked his nose and went back to thinking. Isshin rolled his eyes and peacefully knocked.
Minato opened the door and smiled, "What can I do for you sir?"
"Listen, my moronic friends and I would like play cards on your porch, is that ok with you? Mr. Namikaze?"
Minato nodded and gave Isshin a thumbs up. He closed the door again.
"My God, that was genius! Pretending to be polite so we could get the porch!" Garp said while giving his friend a pat on the back.
"THAT'S IT! WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" The porch split open and dozens of bugs flew out, hissing and spitting.
"It's called being nice and considerate to your neighbor, ever heard of that? Of course not! You are basically a convict!" Porch Bug #1 said while pointing at Garp in shame.
"And another thing, why is everyone in this town, selfish, greedy, stupid or clueless? Is that just a normal thing around here?" Porch Bug #2 added on.
"I mean seriously, it's only been 2 chapters!" Porch Bug #3 shouted.
The Porch Bugs flew inside Naruto's house, and all over the town basically, and started wreaking havoc, hurting everyone's feelings.
"You two are the absolute WORST parents I have ever seen!" Porch Bug #326 took the job of chewing out Minato and Kushina, "You never pay attention to your son at all! Do you even know he and Sasuke hate each other?"
Minato punched the insect but nothing happened, "What the absolute fuc-"
The Porch Bugs tackled Minato to the ground.
They then went into Naruto's room next, shockingly, Naruto was watching T.V. and Sasuke had just woken up, he took a seat next to Naruto and started to watch Lassie with him, they ignored the Porch Bugs as if they didn't exist.
"Well then..." The Porch Bugs cleared out and went to find more victims.
"AND YOU!" The Porch Bugs pointed at the author himself, what the heck?!
"Why call it Anime in Kindergarten if they are never in Kindergarten!? Also is says that it's about Naruto but we barely get any focus on him! Just the stupid side characters!"
The Porch Bugs were everywhere indeed, some of the townsfolk tried to use their powers but it kept failing. Suddenly, a large truck pulled up and the three men for earlier stepped out.
It was none other than Prag, Nihssi and Leengi.
"Guys! The only way to beat them is to STOP being major a**holes!" Prag yelled, everyone stopped and looked at him as if he was crazy.
"Yeah...who am I kidding! PORCH PATROL! ATTACK!" Prag slipped on a backpack with a plunger attached and started singing, "Who you gonna ca-"
"JUST GET THESE F*CKING THINGS OUT OF HERE!" Vegeta yelled as he tried to fight off an army, prying themselves on him, "THEY LOOK LIKE WORMS!"
"Right!" Prag then jumped and rolled through the shrieking citizens, suctioning Porch Bugs all over the place.
"NOOO! IT'S UNSANITARY!" One of the Porch Bugs yelled as he melted into a gooey substance.
Nihssi just poked one of them with a stick.
"DO YOU WHAT TYPES OF INFECTIONS YOU CAN GET FROM ONE SPLINTER!?" The Porch Bug was then poofed out of existence.
"ROAAAAR!"
"HEY PORCH BUGS! We abandoned the plot early in the chapter!"
"Whyyyyyy!? That's lazy writing!" The Porch Bug swallowed itself, "I REFUSE TO LIVE HERE ANYMORE!"
One by one the Porch Bugs started die off until there was one left...the queen.
Prag just closed his eyes, the other two followed, "PORCH PATROL MEGA ACTION AWESOME SUPER DUPER ROBOBOT!"
"Ughhh, Robo and Bot are the same thing! Don't use them as if they are different, it gets annoying quickly!" The Queen said as she roared, a large ball of acid fell into the street, creating a large crater.
Prag flew into the air with a golden hue surrounding him, he spun three times and appeared in an empty room, there was a large control pad and everything, Nihssi and Leenig appeared as well, all three of them were wearing white jumpsuits.
"BEHOLD, OUR MECHA B*TCH!"
"SO COOL!" Luffy's voice could be heard from far away.
"That's...cute," The Queen retorted, secretly jealous, '*sniff* I'm so much cooler than that stupid robot!'
She then jumped up about 50 feet in the air and fell back on top of the PPMAASDR, "Eat my larvae!" She shouted, a gray substance oozed from her behind onto the bot's visor.
"EWW! YOU B*TCH! TAKE THIS!" The MECHA shouted as he pimp slapped the bug.
She flew into 3 houses until she was at the top of King Cold's castle. The castle couldn't handle the weight, so it collapsed to the ground right in front of King Cold.
"NOOOOO! MY HAIR CARE PRODUCTS!" King Cold screamed in agony. He dropped down to his knees, and started sobbing while pounding the ground.
"...We have 4 more castles!" Frieza screamed.
"B-But my hair care products were in there!" King Cold sobbed.
"You OWN the company, you idiot!" Frieza screamed as he threw his father's hair product magazine (With his face on it) to the ground, and walked away.
"ENOUGH WITH THE FILLER!" The Queen screamed at everyone as she flew directly at PPMAASDR, tackling him into the forest, "TAKE THIS!" The Queen punched the robot repeatedly
"CRAP! Our durability percentage is going down!" Nihssi gulped and stared at the gauge, it was at 25% and showed no signs of raising.
"We have to use the final attack! The Deus ex Machina!" Prag pushed up two levers and the robot kicked the Queen off of him.
"Right!"
All three pushed one big button on their side of the panel and the robot rose up, his hand retracted and a blue beam started to charge, it kept growing and blew everyone back.
"THAT THING IS GOING TO KILL US!" Naruto yelled as he held onto a telephone phone, Sasuke held onto his leg and sighed.
"I'm sorry Naruto! You're aren't that bad even if you are punk, I promise if we survive we can be friends!"
"Good thing you will survive!" PPMAASDR yelled as the blue beam stopped charging, confetti came out and sprinkled on The Queen's face.
"That's it-" Suddenly she exploded into a million pieces, bug guts and blood flew everywhere and on everyone.
The robot fell apart and the three heroes stood proudly, "Our job here is done, now we will be expecting a fee of three-hundred thousand dollars?"
"Three-Hundred thousand dollars my a*s, you guys better clean this mess up or you'll get three-hundred thousand a*s whoopings!" King Vegeta said as he walked off, a bunch of angry citizens followed him.
"Aww man..." Prag said as he pulled out a broom and started sweeping the rubble.
"So everything will go back to normal next chapter?" Luffy asked his fellow classmates.
"Yeah...speaking of which did you know the moon was made of cheese!?" Zoro asked bewildered.
"Yeah right, Zoro" Nami said as she started to walk home.
"I'm serious Nami!" Zoro yelled as he chased her down.
Naruto approached Sasuke and coughed, "So...we survived..."
"Indeed..." Sasuke said as he dusted himself off, "See you at school tomorrow," He smirked while playfully punching Naruto in the arm.
"Yeah..." Naruto waved goodbye to Sasuke.
"Naruto you did it! And all it took was a life and death experience!" Kushina yelled with glee.
"Man, let's just go home" Minato said while he wiped the blood off of him, "I'm tired of today..."
"So...is Sasuke gonna come back over soon?" Naruto asked hopefully.
"No way! His family is super creepy! You can go over his house, but no Uchiha's stepping foot in my property!" Minato vigorously shook his head 'no'.
"But Dad-"
"No way! Plus also, you didn't want them over at first, didn't you?!" Minato put words into Naruto's mouth.
Naruto huffed in humiliation and turned red as his father started laughing at him, "Shut up, Dad!"
"Aw, don't be so salty!" Minato snickered as he ruffled his son's hair.
Naruto began snickering too and blushed. His dad hadn't joked with him like that in a while.
"Hey, are we going home now?" Kushina smiled.
"Yeah!" Father and son glanced at each other and flashed the same grin.
And so, the three walked home happily, spending more time together since forever.
Next Time: Cheese Moon