AN: Something to keep in mind with this chapter. I've said this before multiple times, but just as a reminder: in the Black Swan AU, Blackwell is not only a senior-year academy, but a full four year day and boarding student high school. Anyhow, enjoy!
Max spent the next two to three hours reading through the journals. There were times she'd jump ahead, focusing primarily on locating the answers to some of her most burning questions, while bringing herself up to speed on the bare essentials. She wanted to call Chloe and especially her parents on the phone, but before she could do that, she needed to know how to keep from immediately tripping up when talking to them.
Too bad I can't read through all of them. I mean wowser, what a huge collection, but...I don't have all the time in the world. Not anymore.
October 18th, 2008
I'm gonna start keeping a journal today; I found the one Grandma gave me last year for Christmas, you know, one of those gifts where you have to go all "Oh yeah, Grandma, thanks, wow, neat!" when all you really wanted was a Playstation? Well, laughs on you Max, because now it's useful.
I think if I'm going to get through this, if I'm going to figure out what the hell is happening to me, I need to write down as much as I can, each and every day; that way, I won't miss any details along the way, stuff that might help me out later on. Especially if I think I'm going crazy and can't trust my own mind, but...I'm jumping ahead.
It's been a week since William died and, God! How screwed up was all that? One minute, he and Chloe are laughing and cooking in the kitchen, another, he's walking out the door to go pick up Joyce from work; gets killed in a car accident on the way. I just wish I could remember what happened that day. I mean, it's not like I don't have any memory of it, but it's real fuzzy, like I was just a total space case or something. I remember William showing off that camera - God, I loved that instamatic of his! It's really cool, even if nobody likes film cameras anymore. Anyhow, I remember he takes the picture of me and Chloe, and then...I don't know. I just…
Why can't I remember? It's not like a blackout, but it's not not like a blackout, either.
The next thing I solidly remember is Chloe asking me if I'm crying. And I'm all like "what the hell?! Are there tears on my face?" and then I notice my fingers hurt! All cramped up like I was writing a big long essay. I try to play it cool and tell her something like 'allergies' or some stuff. Anyhow, I get my act together, because w-t-h? But it's all cool, and we go and watch movies and finish off lunch. You know, typical awesome Saturday stuff with typical awesome Chloe!
Still, my fingers hurt, and I can't get a strong memory of what I was doing for the past few minutes. I didn't even realize William left. But a couple hours later, we get a phone call…
And then it's all kind of a blur, again.
Because I can't believe it. Even a week later, I can't ...
Chloe's dad is dead.
Poor William. And Chloe, and Joyce…
There was a car accident on his way to pick up Joyce. Killed him right on the spot. And Chloe totally lost it. Completely. Just freaking, and at one point, she starts kinda...yelling and blaming her Mom, when Joyce comes home and...ugh. I know I should be trying to make myself write down everything I can remember. Every. Thing. But it hurts too much right now. I mean, I have time...I'll do it all later.
But I went home that night, in a total zombie daze. I mean...Jesus Christ. What do you say? "Sorry your dad is dead." doesn't cut it. I didn't want to leave her, I wanted to stay with her forever, but Chloe was totally hysterical, and Joyce told me I needed to give them some time together alone; I guess I see her point.
When I got home, the worst of the kinks in my fingers were gone, and I'm going through and opening up my backpack to grab a couple things and that's when I find them.
The letters.
It still seems like a dream, when I think about it now, you know? At first it's just all "Weird. Where did that come from?" And then I start reading it, and I'm like weird….weird...what the...what the hell? Okay, no...no way. No way!
It's a letter to me...from me. And it's talking about how William is dead, and how once upon a time, a version of myself from the future went back into the past and stopped it from happening, but it made the world end...
This is nuts! This is insane, impossible bull!
I don't believe it.
I mean, duh, how can I? Would you?! But it's all in my handwriting! Suddenly I'm all 'ding ding ding, that's why your hands hurt. You went nuts and started writing crazy letters to yourself.'. For an hour, I'm pacing in my room, totes freaking out, and panicking and all 'Oh shit! Oh damn! I'm going crazy! This is it, I'm psychopathic, or schizophrenic, or multiple personality...whatever!'.
So okay. Fine. I tell myself then that I'm losing my mind, I'm suffering from...I don't know what...but if it's all some sort of stupid multiple personality disorder shit, how did I know that William was going to die before it happened?
Answer that for me, would you?
For the past week, I've felt like this is all a huge, terrible, unfunny joke. Someone's playing a huge prank on me. I can't figure out who, or how, or why, but I'm still convinced this is a gag. Like any second now, Ashton Kutcher is gonna jump out of my closet and be all, "Ha ha, Max! You're Punk'd, bitch!". And William dying is gonna be a joke, and he and Chloe and Joyce, and my parents, and the whole world were in on it.
All just to make me feel stupid, and dumb, and laugh at me!
I'm not great right now because eff-ing duh! I think a couple days after I found the letters, I locked myself up in my room, for cereal, and I mean hours and hours. I refused to speak to anyone, because I was angry. I'm still angry! I know it sounds paranoid, but someone is screwing with my life; my life and Chloe's, and I want to know who! Who's doing this to me!?
I'm gonna mess you up, if I ever find you!
My fingers are starting to hurt again. Oh God, I think my fingers hurting are giving me a panic attack. I seriously jumped back, like I was gonna have another episode of whatever my problem is. Gonna stop now.
October 20th, 2008
Yesterday,,I threw the letter away in my garbage one not in an envelope, the one from my future that's telling me I'm gonna die. Did it, and actually started to feel a little better, like I was turning away from this crap, stepping off the drama llama, and getting a hold back on my life.
But then had a nightmare, woke up, freaked out and dug around in the trash before Mom could put it out on the curb. How nuts is that? That I took it back? Like I'm afraid if I get rid of it, let any of this evidence go, I'll regret it. I'll miss something important, something I need!
October 21st, 2008
I would never tell Chloe this, but it's almost been a relief, going through everything so far with her, after William died. When we're together, and I'm helping out her and Joyce any way I can, I feel like I can put aside the insanity and craziness in my life, and focus just on the one good thing I have. Focus on being there for Chloe, and supporting her. I've always been her best friend, and now is the time for me to absolutely prove it. It hurts so much, even now, to see her in pain like this. Feels like we're connected somehow. Part of me wants to...like...not be around with her, because it's so overwhelming. But it hurts way, way more not to be with her right now, too! How could I live with myself if I abandoned her, just because things got super stupid hard!
So every day, I'm gonna be here for Chloe and her Mom.
It's better than the night. At night, I'm trapped in my room, too afraid to go outside. Too afraid to do anything other than focus on the fact that I'm apparently losing my damn mind, and writing letters telling myself I'm gonna die!
October 25th, 2008
Max! Listen to me! Listen to yourself. This has gone on long enough. You need to accept that something is very wrong in your brain. You've been trying to ignore it for the past month, but there's been all those headaches. And feeling sick, like your stomach is flipping out.
I tried to tell myself that it's all because of William's death, but I need face the facts:
This started before he died.
Oh...God. What if it's a tumor? What if it's all a brain tumor, and I'm dying! Chloe is gonna lose me and her Dad, all in the same year!
…
…
Okay Max, calm down. CALM DOWN!
You're not gonna die, there is no Max from the Future! You just blacked out and wrote those letters after William died, because like, you had a mental breakdown. You can't trust your memories.
You can't trust yourself.
But yeah, if there's something wrong in your head, you need to get help as soon as possible.
When I get back from Chloe's house tomorrow, after the memorial service, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad that I'm in trouble, and I need them to get me professional help. I'll show them the letters, so they believe me. I mean, they'll do it, right? They'll get me the help I need, because they love me.
It'll be okay. I'm gonna get help. And then I'll get better. I should be proud I'm asking for it, while I'm still sane enough to. That I'm not trying to hide it, like an idiot would.
October 26th, 2008
…
I don't even know how to start this entry.
Except to say: it's real. I think I believe it now.
It's all real.
I was absolutely ready to tell Mom and Dad, you know? That I was breaking down and hallucinating or something. It made sense, it really did. I had it all figured out, what I was gonna tell them, tonight.
But then it happened. Just like the letter said it would! I don't even know how to explain it, but the letter came true. There was this one moment where I felt like I could do absolutely anything...everything! And if I wanted to go back in time and save Chloe's dad, then damnit, I could do it.
I had the power!
But the letter told me not to do it. That the government would find me, that I'd destroy the world. I didn't believe it until now. I thought it was a joke, or I was dying from brain cancer, but then it happened, and I freaked! I got damn scared! So I just held onto Chloe and wished it would all go away. I thought about the future, about how we'll always be friends, no matter what. Just like the letter said, that I need to always stay together with Chloe. She needs me right now…
...and I really need her, too.
It's funny. When you think about it, today should actually be the final proof I need to accept that I'm all crazy-go-nuts. That I'm hallucinating and doing this all to myself. But I can't explain it any better, other than I believe now. It's as if God parted the clouds and zipped down on a sunbeam and said, "Hi, I'm your Supreme Creator. I just came down to say hello, and maybe ask you a couple quick questions."
So now? I absolutely believe it's real, and that what the letter said was right. As illogical and impossible as it all sounds!
And that means…
Shit. Am I really going to die?
Five years is a lot of time, though. Yeah. I have time. I think? This other me, the one from the future, said she didn't want to kill me. So I have time, to figure it out, how to beat this. She wants me to! Maybe she couldn't tell me everything, but I think this Future Max left me clues in that letter.
And maybe I should listen to her, and not open up those other two letters, despite how close I've come to doing just that!
It's weird, you know? Totally. Part of me is oddly calm. All the headaches are finally gone, and so is my nausea. So it can't be a brain tumor, right? That wouldn't just go away like that. But I feel different too, somehow. Not like, "Wow! I'm totally changed!" but just…
...of course I'm different.
I've seen…
...well...shit people aren't meant to see. I guess?
Maybe I did see God.
Maybe it was a test, and if so, then I passed it. I must have passed it, just like my future self told me to do! I mean, I was focusing on the future and not the past, when it happened.
So...maybe I don't have to die now.
That makes sense.
Right?
November 29th, 2008
It's been a little over a month now, since that day in Chloe's room. Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling thankful for. Well. I don't know if that's totes true. Still no new headaches like before, no feeling sick. And Chloe and Joyce came over, so they wouldn't be alone on the holiday.
Even with all the darkness and heavy shit hanging over us...it was nice. You know? It was really nice, like all of us together were a family.
That would be cool, Chloe and me. Sisters! Except we don't really fight or get on each other's nerves, so some days, I feel like we're even closer than sisters.
But outside of spending time with Chloe, I don't feel much. Of anything, really.
Easier that way, I think. Someone has to be strong for Chloe. She's struggling so hard. I mean, it's only six weeks, but she still cries a lot. Don't blame her.
Like I said, easier...not to feel anything.
December 8th, 2008
It snowed today. Not a lot, just enough to dust. Chloe and I sat together at Lighthouse Point and watched it fall. We sat there, hand in hand, and didn't say much of anything.
It was nice, though. Really nice. I think she even smiled, a tiny bit. But then she started crying again.
It's been a couple of months now. I don't want to jinx it, but sometimes I feel like things are maybe getting back to normal. I'm not locked up in my room every night, like I used to be. I mean, the fear is still there, but I'm too tired and burned out to feel scared right now. But I can't ignore it, I can't just believe that it's not coming. October 2013. I made myself think that for a few days after the...I don't know what to call it. Awakening? Epiphany? Uplifting? I was convinced that I somehow passed this divine test and I was saved.
Then I stopped. I realized how stupid and dangerous it was to pretend the end isn't coming. I have to do whatever I can to fight or prepare for it.
The most important thing? I think as long as I'm with Chloe, I can get through whatever's coming my way.
December 16th, 2008
Can't believe it! Dad is getting a new job, but it means we have to move to Seattle early next year. I want to be happy for him, it's a big promotion, and I guess it was a really sudden, out of the blue thing, but...but I don't want to leave Arcadia Bay! I don't want to lose any of my time with Chloe! Especially not if…
...if I'm dead in five years.
Chloe freaked when I told her, and I don't blame her. I'm angry too. I told her...I promised her, I'm gonna call or email her every day. And try to get back during school vacations. God, I could have killed her though, 'cause she was all 'Yeah, you know you won't keep up with it, and you'll forget about me.' Ugh! Jesus, I mean, I know she's still upset about William, but what about me?! I got so furious with her, I almost told her what's gonna happen to me.
What...might happen to me. Someday.
I didn't though. Because hah, best friend or not, she won't believe me. And, she doesn't need that shit if she did. Although, God, I wish I could tell one person. Just one person who would believe me, and maybe try to help me.
But I can't.
So I just told her something like 'challenge accepted'. I'm gonna be the most awesome best friend ever. You just wait and see, Che.
February 2nd, 2009
I started my new school today. Big freaking yay. They're all a bunch of big city snobs anyhow, already people were giving me crap about being from a small town in Oregon. Screw them all. I'm not gonna be around with them any longer than I have to. Know why?
Because I figured it out already! My plan to go back!
I have to finish up seventh grade, and ugh! I have to get through eighth as well, here in Seattle. But tonight, I made Dad promise, like pinky swear and everything, that if I apply to Blackwell and get in for freshman year, he'll let me go as a boarding student. I think he only agreed because he figured it's a promise he won't have to keep. Like I'm going to settle down and actually learn to like it here in 'The Big City'. Forget that! I'm gonna totally be the best student in that dumb new school, and I won't ever let him forget what he promised!
I told Chloe today, on the phone. It cheered her up a little...I think? At least she wasn't shitty enough to act like I wasn't gonna do it for real. Probably because I've totally been writing her every day, just like I said I would, so now maybe she feels just a little bit bad about not trusting me!
Ugh. I need to stop being angry at her. Angry at everyone. I just...I wish I knew how. Because, I gotta admit, sometimes I want to push Chloe away, to keep her from getting hurt, when I turn into...into someone else. Me, but not me. And then there are all the other days, where I want to hang on to her, and never let her go. I mean, how could I ever live my life without her in it? Some days, it's like she's the only good thing I have.
Time to get back to working on my 'project'. I picked up that History of Space and Time book that Hawking wrote. I'm not sure how much of it I understand but I need to try. Smartest guy in the world, right? Maybe I'll write him a letter.
April 2nd, 2009
Oh my God.
Why am I doing all this? All this stupid shit? Working my ass off in school to get the best grades I can. Pushing away what few people want to be my friend. I'm barely eating some days, and just cooped up in my room. Mom and Dad are leaving me alone for the most part; I guess that's the nice thing about being a teenager, people just assume you're a broody shithead.
But, I mean, of course I'm not going to die. This is stupid! There has to be an explanation for everything. Now that it's been a few months, and the initial shock is wearing off, I'm being…
...I'm being an idiot here.
Of course, I'm not going to die in five years.
I'm not!
You know, I should just go and tear those letters up. All of them! Tell Mom and Dad, that I need serious, psychological help. They'll know what to do. They'll make it all better!
April 8th, 2009
I am such a fucking coward…
...why can't I stop believing?
I almost did it. I almost went and threw it all out.
Shit, I gotta deliver that big letter as soon as possible. It's driving me crazy, sitting there. Wanting to read it so badly, and being so scared of a collection of paper and words. If I don't get it out of my life one way or the other, it's going to drive me bonkers! But how lucky am I that I need to deliver it in Seattle? Imagine how screwed I'd be if it was New York City. Or Japan. Or someplace else, super far away.
April 25th, 2009
Jesus. My heart's still beating like a jackhammer. An hour later, and I've only just stopped shaking.
I did it today.
I delivered that big envelope, the one Future Max told me was super important. Millions of lives are at stake, she said. Damn, how could she just lay that on me?! Something that crazy stupid important? I can't believe I managed not to look inside it this whole time. But one of the books I read said something about how observation influences quantum phenomenon? There was the whole thing about Schrodinger's Cat, and how it's both alive and dead in the box. I never really understood what that meant until now.
It's actually kinda neat.
But my point is that I figure the less I know about the future, the better a chance I have of maybe surviving what's coming for me. I know that makes like zero sense, but...I can't help feeling that way. Like if I don't read about it, it doesn't have nearly as much power over me; it won't come true as easily. Sounds like a paradox, right? I don't care.
Whoever the letter is for, they live in this fancy, high security condo tower. Lucky break, it was only six blocks away from Dad's office, in the super plush part of Seattle. So I convinced him to give me a lift into the city on his way to work. I only got inside the building because I scammed one of the residents who was walking in. I told them I was someone's visiting niece who got locked out. So I just went up, slid it under the door, and ran. I didn't even knock. Didn't want to take the chance of someone opening up and finding me.
On the other hand, on the way out, I spotted a resident directory. I tried to look up the name of the person in that apartment, because for a moment I thought: 'Well, maybe this is someone who can help me. Maybe they know what's going on, and they can save me!' . But all of the sudden, this guard comes out from nowhere, and chases me away. Gotta wonder...I know it sounds crazy, but what if the universe was acting to keep me from finding more info out?
But...Future Max said that the government found out she had powers. How? How did they do it? Is the person I gave the letter to someone from the government? Or maybe someone who gets arrested by them?
Oh shit! Oh no! That letter has my fingerprints all over it now! What if trying to give that letter gets the Feds knocking down my door! And what if they can't help me, but they lock me up in frickin' Guantanamo Bay for the next four years.
I'm getting really scared again.
May 8th, 2009
...this isn't fair. I didn't do anything wrong! I don't deserve to have this fucking death hanging over my head! I'm a human being, not some fucking Replicant!
May 13th, 2009
Got in trouble again. For skipping class, this time. There was a lecture on quantum physics and applied temporal theory at one of the local colleges, so I blew off fifth period, hoping that maybe the answer I was looking for was there. Totes waste of my time though. I waited until after the lecture and tried to ask the professor guy some questions - you know, asking like it was just a hypothetical thing, and not real. He thought I was jerking him around and joking. Real asshole about it, too. I nearly ran out crying.
At least I was able to make a BS excuse to Mom and Dad, about wanting to be academically challenged. They still aren't happy, but they didn't ground me as hard as I was expecting. Your kid skips to sit in on a lecture for senior level college physics students. Kinda hard to crack the whip on that.
Still, Dad had one good point. Not helping my plan to get into Blackwell for next year. But that's okay. I'm getting close to giving up on this whole notion that there's anyone out there who can save me.
July 11th 2009
Ooookay. What a weird day today. I was walking back to the bus stop, because I went to the local Barnes and Noble to buy this book on modern neuroscience and how it dovetails with Buddhist practices - it's a neat book, and I'm thinking maybe there's something in here I can use but...okay. I'm rambling. The point is that on the way out, this woman trips and spills her coffee all over me. Ugh! At least it was an iced coffee, so I didn't get burned and made into a creepy scarred monster or something. But she got all crazy and over-emotional about it. Trying to wipe me down, and apologizing, and I swear, she would not let go of my arm while she had her little freak out, for like a good minute or two. You know, if I didn't know better, I swear she tripped on purpose. Really stupid crazy, all the sick people in the city. Anyhow, she gave me her card, and told me to call her so she can pay for the dry cleaning bill.
Yeah, whatever, Alanna Rodriguez, whoever you are. Crazy lady, that's who.
And that was my favorite shirt, too!
September 14th, 2009
New kid at school today. Fernando was the name, I think. Felt bad, because he didn't seem to have any friends. Just like me. I guess he must have made the connection, because he came up and tried to talk to me, but...I just wasn't in the mood for it. For any of it.
Because why? Why try to spend time building up new friendships, and get interested in new things, and...and, I don't know. What's the point of it? What's the point of anything? It's all just going to go away in another four years. So I told him: Sorry, you seem nice. I just don't have time for any friends.
And the legend of "Bitchy Maxine, the Mean Ice Queen" grows. Don't care. I'm soooo over caring. All I want is to go home, back to Arcadia Bay. Back to Chloe. Because maybe one day I'll get the courage to tell her what's happening, and the two of us can figure it out.
But not when I'm trapped here in shitty Seattle!
December 1st 2009
Dad won't let me go back to Arcadia Bay for Christmas and New Years. He says that Grandma is getting sick, and she might not have much longer, so we should spend time with her.
Fuck…
FUCK!
How do I talk about this without sounding like a heartless bitch?
I waited all year for this! All shitting year to go back and finally see Chloe for real! What the hell? Grandma is gonna die? Well guess what, Daddy! I AM TOO!
I'm barely fourteen, and I'm gonna die, too. Is it too much to ask that you let me go back home and be with my only friend in the world, for what few years I have left?
At least Grandma got a whole lifetime out of the deal.
More than I ever got.
March 28th, 2010
I. Did. It!
I did it!
I just got my acceptance letter from Blackwell Academy! I guess they really liked my photo essay, about the fragility of life and the impermanence of existence. Man, that Buddha's Brain book gave me the best idea. And...I hate to say it, but I think the mediation is helping too. I mean, I only started doing it because I thought maybe it would improve my brain, give me...don't laugh, but like powers? Or shielding, or some way to keep 2013 from ending with me dead and gone.
But I think it helps me feel better in general. A little bit?
Anyhow, Blackwell! Academy!
Annnnnd a scholarship to boot! Man, Mom and Dad were so proud. And he kept his promise. I didn't even have to remind him. He told me that clearly, being in Arcadia Bay again meant the world to me, and that I 'paid my dues' to go back.
I called Chloe up an hour ago. She sounded...I don't know. Drunk? Tired, or maybe stoned? She acted like she didn't know who I was at first, but when I told her I was coming back...she actually broke down and cried. Like she was so happy and so sad, all at once. She didn't want to talk about what was going on in her life, but Jesus, it must be really bad.
That's okay. I'm pretty bad too, in my own way. But at least now, Chloe and I can have fucked up lives together. That has to count for something, right?
May 8, 2010
I thought I would be happier, you know?
Because really, on paper, everything is going great. Mom and Dad are stupid proud of me for planning a major life goal and working hard to achieve it. I'm going back home. I'm going back to Chloe. We're going to spend the rest of high school together.
The rest of our lives together...all four years.
Not even, barely three and a half now.
I'm finally getting everything I want, and I only have three and a half years left.
...God.
Last week, it hit me. Out of the blue. Now that I finally have everything, I have everything to lose.
I haven't been able to drag myself out of room except for school, since.
June 29th, 2010
Jesus, look at all these people. Just look at them.
What are you all so happy about? You're gonna die! Although I guess most of you got long lives to live first. Three times what I'm getting. Five times! So of course, you're happy, or at least….
...fuck!
I thought spending the summer doing volunteer shit at the hospice would help me figure out how to find some peace in the face of dying. Least, that's what I told myself.
Just seems to make me even more depressed and angry than ever before. There's nothing inspiring here, there's nothing that moves me. Just constant reminders, all these people who got to live long, full, and happy lives, and then there's me. It's easy for all of you fucking geezers! Oooh! Look at me! I'm so brave, meeting the end of my long, long, long, super awesome life, with a morphine drip in my arm and some candystriper come to wipe my ass as I sleep! At least the kids in the cancer ward, they're the ones getting the raw fucking end of the deal. That's the real tragedy!
But all the bluehairs here? None of these people will ever understand what it's like to be me! What do they have to be so scared about and upset about?
Fuck. I should quit. But how shitty would that look? At least I only have to keep up with this until the end of July.
July 8th, 2010
Mr. Robertson finally died last night.
I was just sitting there, reading to him, even though he was asleep and probably couldn't hear me. But then he just woke up out of the blue, and started crying. Like he was scared, really...really frightened. He grabbed my arm, and told me to help him. He was going to die, and he wasn't ready. He was only fifty-five, and he wasn't ready yet. He was delirious from the drugs - that's what they told me later - but he was angry, and scared, just…
...just like me.
And then he died. Right in front of me. Poor guy. All he wanted to do was live. He was actually pretty young, you know, compared to most of the other people here. You'd think all that will, all that panic would have been enough, but clearly it fucking wasn't.
You know, when I started this whole volunteer gig at the local hospice this summer, I did it because the latest book on Buddhism I'm reading was talking about cultivating compassion and kindness. And empathy. And naturally I thought this was the best place to understand and come to grips with what's going on in my life. Or rather, how it's going to end.
I thought it would help, but it didn't. Watching the people who found some sort of acceptance, to the point where they were all serene about it...it just made me furious! And then it made me depressed. Like I was just wallowing in death, because death was the only thing on my mind. Probably was a bad idea, really unhealthy, working here. But I couldn't make myself quit, even though there were days I kept swearing that quitting was all I wanted to do. But then there were days where I was obsessed, like I had to find some sort of answer, some sort of meaning in it all.
I guess I finally have. Because you know what?
I do not want to die that way: alone, and frightened and angry and scared and begging and pleading for it not to stop!
I mean, it's like a God damn light switch went off in my brain, watching what happened!
I get it now. I get it.
I don't want to be Mr. Robertson. I don't want to bring all this shit to Arcadia Bay with me. This darkness and depression. And I don't want to bring it to Chloe. Because I mean, yeah, I'm gonna die, but for the next three and a half years, I'm still alive! And I really want to live. But I want quality, if I can't have quantity.
I'm not in pain. I'm young, and healthy, and when the end comes, I won't even see it coming. All this time I've been bitchy and soaking in self-pity, and I didn't even see how good I had it.
I mean, while I'm trying to live, it doesn't mean I have to stop looking for a way to keep this all from happening too, right? I'm gonna kick life in the fucking balls while I'm doing it. Just watch me!
August 7th, 2010
I'm back! Oh Lordy, I'm back! Blackwell is holding this optional early summer Freshman orientation program, so naturally I jumped all over that. Lots of hiking and working on art, and getting settled in. It's absolutely awesome. For cereal.
I went over to Chloe's house, as soon as I got moved in. And...well, there's been changes. Not good ones, either. I guess Joyce started dating again a while back, and I don't blame her. But her current boyfriend is….ugh. Not thrilled with him. I guess he used to drive a bus, but he's talking about trying to get into security, because he was in one of the wars in Iraq. I met him briefly, on the way up to Chloe's room. I don't like him already.
Security, huh? Just as long as he doesn't get a job at Blackwell or something. I think 'mall cop' is more his style.
Anyhow, Chloe is...Chloe's fucking angry. I don't blame her. I understand she's pissed, because she's pretty damn convinced that David and Joyce are gonna end up getting married or something. I think Joyce can do better, but I guess loneliness can make you get desperate. I know how that is.
Chloe's different, too. She's started dying feathers of her hair blue, and she even got a nose stud. Really punk! Um...it's not her, and at the same time, it really kinda is. I think she looks pretty damn good though. Badass!
And, um, kinda hot.
That actually got a smile from her, when I told her.
But then she tells me that she's gonna be on academic probation if she doesn't get her grades back into shape by the end of fall semester. She acts like she doesn't care. She literally said that: "I don't care about Black-hell anymore."
Oh God. I think I totes lost my goddamn mind or something. Snapped. Just a bit. I mean, I didn't yell-yell at her, but I lost my shit, kinda-sorta. Went off ranting, about how I just spent the last year and a half totally busting my ass to get back home, so I could go to Blackwell. So I could go to Blackwell with her! My best friend in the whole damn world. And whatever fucking problems she has in her life, she wasn't alone to deal with them anymore. Then I threatened to hound the fuck out of her and do whatever it took to help get her grades back on track, even if I had to do all her homework for her, as well as mine!
Then she got this look, like her eyes were getting wider and wider, and she was probably all thinking, 'Who the hell is this crazy girl, and what did she do with Max?' Then I sorta...jumped on her. Tickle fight, like we used to do when we were younger. She cried Uncle pretty damn quick. I don't think she was in the mood, but she still laughed.
Then she smiled, and told me how happy she was that I was back. For cereal.
We totally had a moment.
After that, I dragged her butt out to go see that new Scott Pilgrim movie. It was actually really good! I'm not sure I liked Ramona all that much though. She was way too much of a flighty player, with all the boyfriends, although she had this cute ninja girlfriend too. That was cool. Way cool! And her hair was absolutely totes awesome. I told Chloe that she should do that: go all blue with the hair dye. She said she was already thinking about something like that.
Anyhow, movie was okay, lots of funny video game jokes, most of which I got, but I think Scott should have ended up back with Knives, even though it was kinda skeezy that a twenty two year old was dating a seventeen year old girl. I read on the Internet that this was the original ending, but they changed it at the last minute. Too bad, better her than Ramona.
Or maybe Knives and Ramona should have gotten together and totally left Scott behind. Ha ha!
September 7th, 2010
First day of school!
And...and OMG? Chloe? She dyed her hair. Pink!
I asked her why pink, and she said, "I didn't wanna be a copycat after we saw that movie. Also, pink is awesomer than blue."
She's right of course.
December 8th, 2010
Just told Chloe about going away for six weeks on that 'winter term', overseas. Half the time in Iceland, and the other half in Italy. Talk about extremes!
She was surprisingly cool with it. But she's mellowing. The last semester has been great. Just awesome. We both needed it, I think. We both needed to find refuge, and we always could find that in each other.
(Oh man, does that sound gay? Ha ha, it kinda does, a little!)
She got her grades back up. Even after David popped the question last month, and Joyce said yes, she managed to hold it together. Man, she was stupid pissed at first, but after the first few days, she just let it go. Let it slide off like water across her back. Sorta. Kinda. The important part is that she's getting there.
Of course, she spent a whole weekend stoned as shit. And um. I decided to see what the big deal was. So I tried a couple of bong hits too.
I really hated it the first time. Gross, and so much coughing and shit. But when I tried it again the next day, I guess I got the hang of it. And it was fun! Sorry Mom and Dad, but weed is kinda hella cool! Damn, I was such a pig though, must have eaten a whole pizza myself, after we got the munchies. So, you know, fun, but definitely something not to do all the time. I don't wanna spend the rest of what life I have left high every day, you know?
Chloe told me I had to email her constantly. Send her as many pictures as I could, so it was like she was there with me. I told her 'try and stop me.'
But hey, I'm not gone yet. We still have Christmas, and then New Years together.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but for the first time since Chloe's dad died, I feel like things are actually okay. The doom-anvil hanging over my head doesn't feel like such a constant presence anymore. Coming back to Arcadia Bay, and coming back to Chloe was the right choice - like there was any doubt? But seriously, after the first semester, I feel like the Universe is trying to tell me I'm on the right track.
I hate to leave Chloe alone for weeks, but I need to do this. I need to see more of the world.
While I still can.
December 26, 2010
Oh my God...
Chloe gave me her Dad's old camera for Christmas.
I totally burst into tears when she did. But Chloe insisted that William would want me to have it. I mean, I have my own instant film camera, but I am totally switching over now.
Look out camera; you're going to get a lot of use, and see a lot of crazy things!
This really was the best Christmas I ever had, you know? Back home, back with Chloe. Can you imagine how screwed up my life would be if I had just stayed in Seattle, and the two of us fell out of touch like she originally thought we would? What kind of insane universe would that be?
March 1, 2011
I'm back!
Feels good. I mean, don't get me wrong, as much as I missed Chloe, I'm so glad I made myself do this. For cereal! Pushing myself out of my comfort zone, trying new things, getting out of the familiar and expected. It was all terrible and wonderful!
Granted, Iceland was easy. Gorgeous and surreal and...the pictures! Oh my God, the pictures I took! It was like living in Thor's backyard or something, or like one of those Lord of the Rings movies. So cool! But everyone speaks perfect English. And everyone is gorgeous and athletic too, for some reason, and works out and soaks in natural hot tubs. The food was also great! Except for the fermented shark fin that smelled like pee. Blech! Also, I drew the line when they offered me some sort of stew served out of a goat's head. Uch!
Italy was more challenging. Way more. Different attitudes, kinda more sexist in some ways than I was expecting. I mean I really thought Europe was this universally enlightened place, but in some ways, it's a lot like home. Except...not. Gah! I think my point is that it was good to have all these assumptions challenged and corrected. But also, more awesome food! You think you've had Italian food before, but that's nothing compared to a meal you get in one of these little country restaurants that are literally just someone's living room.
Chloe made a new friend while I was gone. A transfer student named Rachel. I met her, and she seems nice but...I don't know. She and Chloe get along so well. Maybe too well. I mean, like she and I do but...different.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I think I'm jealous. I always felt Chloe and I had something totally pure and sacrosanct, and here comes Ms. Perfect Amber; she and Chloe fit together almost as well as we do, but in their own unique ways. Honestly, I'd be a lot more pissed and angry at her if she wasn't so nice! And cool. Like she's genuinely trying to be my friend, too. Keep me from feeling like a third wheel, or making me out to be one, even though sometimes Chloe and she go and hang out together on their own. Because I've been really busy studying and catching up for the spring semester. You know, a perfectly valid reason…
...fuck.
I'm angry because I want every moment with Chloe to myself! There's a piece of me that's all 'Hey! I'm dying here! So how dare you make friends with someone else, someone who is gonna be your best friend when I'm gone!"
Except...I'll be gone, but I'll still be here.
...if you're reading this right now, Future Max, I hope you turn out to be a nice person. Not an anti-social bitch. I'd like it if you were nice to all the friends I've made. Most of them are pretty good people.
Oh, except for that total bitch, Victoria Chase. I don't think I'll ever be friends with her.
June 27th, 2011
I'm leaving tomorrow.
For Japan.
On purpose, and everything!
The shittiest part is being away from Chloe for two and a half months, of course. But there's wifi, and we'll Skype. It'll be weird...she'll be getting up as I'm going to sleep, and vice versa. But I still think I'm as right as I was when I first decided to do this; I was using Chloe - that is, not wanting to be away from her - as an excuse to not stretch myself out. To not go out and seize what few opportunities are still left for me.
But I do wish she was coming with me. She loves this kind of shit, and she made me promise to bring her back like a million different things.
My parents think I'm crazy, pumping so much travel and study abroad into one year, but given that I put in the work to get a bunch of it funded with grants and scholarships, they aren't complaining about the cost, at least. Mom keeps reminding me that Japan isn't like Iceland, and I'm like duh. Yeah. It's why I've been studying like a fiend to learn at least some passable Japanese, and reading up on the culture and stuff; hell I have one whole suitcase dedicated to all the 'omiyage' - the customary gifts to give out to the people I'll be meeting - I need to bring. But that's the whole point. Sure, maybe I'll stick out, this pasty looking white girl with pink and black hair - although the hair will make me look like an anime character! - who's totally out of place everywhere she goes. It's a pretty scary and intimidating challenge; so of course, I'm gonna do it. That's the whole damn point.
I've been chatting over the last couple of weeks online with Hiroko, my "host sister" for my first family stay in Nanae. She seems really nice. She even used to live in Seattle for a little while when she was in college, so we have that to talk about. So from Hokkaido, I'll just work my way down the island chain. My only worry is whether I can get enough film for my instamatic; it being Japan, I kinda doubt they'll have anything like that, but who knows? I'll bring my digital as backup, just in case, even though I don't like using it as much.
One way or the other, this is going to be absolutely amazing and intense!
September 10th, 2011
Wowser. That was kind of big freaking disaster.
Warren took me out on a second date last night, to this ape movie. Not exactly my thing, but he liked it, and I kind of enjoyed it too. But he's moving sorta quick. Putting his arm around me and trying to steal a kiss - a little one, but God, still - at the end of the night.
Why does it feel so...I don't want to use the word 'wrong' but...okay, no. I do.
It feels wrong! All of it.
He's a nice friend, and because we got along so well and have a lot of the same interests, I thought maybe he might make a nice boyfriend. If it worked out, I mean, but it's just not. I don't feel any kind of spark, or attraction like that or...because it's not like I have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. None. Do I just not like Warren or…
Okay. I have to break on through, because I'm avoiding the real issue here.
What do I like? I wasn't sure, when I went to Chloe's dorm, and told her all about it. I want to be friends with Warren, and keep hanging out with him, but I just don't feel like we 'fit' as a couple. I was complaining that I had no idea what the hell I actually do like. So Chloe, she scoots on over next to me, because we're sitting on the edge of her bed, and she's all jokey and shit, and saying. "Ooooh! Maybe you just don't like boys!" And I kinda shrugged, because I really don't know. I don't know what's going on with me, and I'd like to have it figured out before my mind gets taken over by The Max From Another Time.
It was supposed to be a gag, right? She's all "Well, give me a kiss, then you'll find out."
I laughed, and told her no. But she gets all up in it, daring me. And then double daring me.
So I did it. I leaned in and I kissed her. That'll teach her for testing me.
I um...well it was definitely not like when Warren tried it...
There was something there. Like this electric wave. I'm still squirming in my seat, as I'm writing this. This feeling of excitement. Absolute and instinctive Rightness. And I'm thinking of how nice and soft her lips are, and how great she suddenly smells, but it's over before it barely begins.
Chloe's blushing, and kind of casually making a funny comment about - I don't remember. Warren, maybe? I don't remember much past that point, other than I just stand up and walk out. In this weird blind panic. I thought Chloe was going to chase after me, but she didn't. She called out a couple times, but she didn't follow.
I haven't slept all night. I've been trying to figure this out. Why I'm so scared, and desperate, and feel like I need to run right back to her, and at the same time run away, keep her distant from me? What's going on?
I'm going to come out and say - okay write it. I'm going to write the question and then it's real.
Am I gay?
Because people should know this sort of thing right as they're about to turn sixteen, right? I mean, by then, you're old enough. You either know, or you don't and…
...oh God.
I think I'm in love with Chloe Price.
I didn't even mean to write that out. It just happened.
Wait, love? No. Not love! What? I mean it's just a weird crush. Of course I responded, she's my best friend. I have a way deeper connection to her, emotionally than I do with Warren. Or anyone else. I mean, if anyone kissed their best friend, wouldn't they have a really positive reaction to it?
But I couldn't sleep last night, because every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was that kiss. Not to mention what else might've happened if it hadn't stopped so quickly. Seriously, I can't stop thinking about it, no matter how hard I try. It's like an obsession, or a sickness, but...I don't want to be cured!
What do I do now?
I've got barely two years left, before I 'change'. What do I do now?
I don't want to ruin my friendship with her, or make things weird.
(Too late.)
Can I go through with this?
Wait! What the hell am I asking this for?! I don't even know if she likes me that way! God, I'm such an idiot! I'm moving way too fast!
Oh shit, though. What if she does feel the same way? Do I put her through the shit that's coming up?
I need to figure myself out, and soon.
September 16th, 2011
What an awkward-as-hell week this has been. Chloe and I have barely said five words to each other. We're way too nervous to be in the same room alone together. I think she's freaking out, afraid she's ruined the friendship. And I'm too nervous to talk to her about anything at all.
But I realized I have to make a decision. I have to go forward, one way or the other. Take the shot. Tell her how I feel. And if she feels the same way, then….then I guess we'll have two of the most amazing years left in my life! And if she doesn't, then I know we'll get through it, and still be friends.
I'm gonna tell her to meet me tomorrow, at our bunker at American Rust.
Fingers crossed. All ten of them!
September 17th, 2011
OMG!
Screaming!
Screaming in the good way!
So I laid it out. What I was feeling. Why I was avoiding her. How I realize I'm attracted...like seriously, stupendously attracted to her, how I finally see that now. That one kiss shook something loose.
Then I was done. And waiting for her to say something in response. And she doesn't. She starts looking at me sorta shocked, but also kinda smiling? Ten seconds pass, and she's still not saying anything, and I'm feeling like the biggest, dumbest freak, and just as I'm about to apologize and tell her that I understand if she doesn't want to be friends anymore...that hey yeah, I'll just be here in a corner eating myself into a shame coma...she grabs me by the arms.
And then she leans in, and she kisses me again.
For real this time.
I'm biting my lip, just remembering it.
But oh my God, she's so good at it, the kissing, when she does it for real! So so so so good!
And we talk.
And we kiss. And then talk some more, and kiss more.
I find out that she and Rachel kind of had a weird 'fling' over the summer, while I was away in Japan. It didn't take, but they're still friends. Still occasionally 'with benefits', but ha ha! It was so cute how quickly she told me that was gonna end now that we're a couple.
I can't believe it.
I'm in love with my best friend. And she's in love with me! She told me so, and also how embarrassed she was, how the whole kissing 'dare' last week was her oh-so-obvious attempt at being 'sly', and testing out the waters. She apologized, said she could have done it better. I told her yeah, she could have, but it doesn't matter.
Getting into this relationship is the last thing I should be doing. I really oughta be starting to cut back on friendships, so it's not all weird and disconcerting when I change into a different person. I definitely should not be doing the best, most natural, most obvious thing in the whole world, and be Chloe's girlfriend.
But fuck that. I'm not going to let October 12th, 2013 rule my life.
What little of it I have left.
September 22nd, 2011
Wowser.
Chloe and I have only been a couple for a few days. Did I rush into it, spending the night with her on my birthday?
You knooow. Spending the night. In bed.
Sex.
No. No I didn't rush it. I can't believe I worry. I mean duh, Chloe and I have clearly been in love with each other for years, we just didn't know how to act on it. We spent years building up our relationship. Hell, I'm surprised we didn't get right to it on Tuesday, except, you know, it was a school night.
Best birthday ever, though. For cereal. And Chloe was the only birthday present I ever wanted or needed.
Amazing thing, how much love changes your perspective. This isn't the first time I've seen her naked, and I always thought she looked good, but damn, yo! Now I can't get enough of her. Hee.
I woke up early this morning. She was still asleep, and we were squished up together in her single bed - thank God that as a senior, she gets her own room. She's drooling and looking so content and oh christ, I swear my heart is going to burst. I just reach out, and stroke her face and hair, and can't believe she's mine.
She's mine...
...but not forever. Fuck.
Fuck!
Two years. Two years, she's mine, and then that's it. I'm gone. I'm dead, and some other Max comes to take her away from me. I know I shouldn't be jealous of myself, but Jesus this is killing me right now. It's my life and Chloe is my true love! This Future Max doesn't have a right! She doesn't have the right to take any of it away from me!
Shit. I thought I was past this...the hurt and the anger and the paranoia.
I guess gaining the most precious thing in the world, only to look at losing it before too long, has a way of opening up old wounds.
All I can do is hang on to her, for as long as I can. Maybe that will give me the strength I need to fight this off, when the day comes. And if it can't then at least it makes my final days sweeter.
Right?
October 3rd, 2011
I made a new friend today. She's really nice! Stupid sweet. Totally into the Jesus Thang, but she comes by it honestly. Like, she's not always acting judgemental and shit, even though a lot of people - especially Victoria, treat her like she is. I think she seriously wants to live a good life, and lead by that example. I wish more people were like that.
We actually had a really amazing chat about the similarities in Christianity and Buddhism. Over tea! Like actual tea, and biscuits and whatnot. And she has a pet white rabbit named Alice.
Oh, right! Her name is Kate. I should probably have mentioned that earlier.
A lot of people have been giving her shit since she started last month. I'm gonna make it my personal goal to get her more friends. Kate has a lot to offer, and while she's not Vortex Club material (gagging noises!) I think Alyssa and Daniel would like her. Even Brooke, if she could stop making out with Warren in public every five seconds.
...Damn. I can't judge. Chloe and I are still totally doing the same thing. Ever since we spent the night together on my birthday, I can't get her out of my system! My roommate has been grooving on the fact that she gets our dorm room mostly to herself now, since I spend 99% of my time in Chloe's room, so it's all good.
Okay. Really weird thing to mix together: pious Kate, and my sexy-as-hell girlfriend.
March 13th, 2012
Okay. Two nights ago was hella intense. I don't exactly remember every little detail, and I've barely recovered enough now to start writing about it.
It was Chloe's eighteenth birthday. Rachel and I spent weeks planning this monster huge crazy blowout. And we kind of pointedly didn't invite anyone who was in deep with the Vortex Club.
Ha ha! So awesome, and totally amazing! Because Rachel is so omnipopular, she rises above and beyond Vortex. By the day before, they were so desperate to come, they were practically begging! And we just told them no and laughed in their stupid faces!
Okay, maybe rubbing it in was petty and childish. We're teenagers, so sue us!
The after-party got absolutely krunk. Or strunk? I mean, there were tons of bong hits, and lots of booze. I had more of the former, less of the latter.
It was three, or four A.M by the time everyone left, and it was just the three of us. I don't quite remember how it happened. Chloe and I were super snuggly, and it was getting heated, and then Rachel just crawls over and teases about how it's no fair she doesn't get anything.
I might have, sorta...kinda...maybe...kissed her. Out of the blue. It was supposed to be a joke, I think? Whatever, it made total sense at the time. I mean, I'm pretty sure I did it first. It had a hell of an effect on Chloe though, watching the two of us suddenly making out like that.
(I mentioned how drunk and stoned I was already, right?)
And then, the two of them were making out, and then we all were. The two of us ganging up on Chloe. So...yeah. Happy Birthday, Chloe. Surprise! Unexpected threesome.
Rachel and I didn't get a chance to talk about it until breakfast today. I told her that it was cool, and I enjoyed it, and no regrets etc, but I didn't see me wanting to make it a real thing. Like, a weird three way relationship. Oddly enough, Chloe felt the same way. Mostly. Rache understood, at least I'm pretty sure she did. We all agreed it was fun and nice, the way it happened, but it probably wasn't gonna happen again.
Sorry. Maybe there's another timeline where the three of us find a way to work it out and make it happen, but this version of me doesn't seem to be the sharing type.
Damn though, we really need to get Rachel a girlfriend all her own!
May 1st, 2012
Weirdest. Day. Ever.
Or at least a long, long time.
I don't even know how to explain it. I might as well just start writing it out.
Anyhow, Rachel and Chloe and I are hanging out at the the quad near the girl's dorm after class. And out comes Victoria. Not a big deal by itself but...I don't know how to explain it. She looks super freaked. Like something is really, really wrong, and she's losing her mind over it.
I don't know how to explain it, but when I looked at her, I got this totally screwed up buzzing sensation in my brain. It felt like...I don't know. Like I was a radio, and she was totally putting out static that was jamming my reception. It felt familiar though, but I still can't figure out why.
I was about to say something to Rache and Che about it, but out pops Taylor and Courtney, you know, the Queen Bee's Obedient Servants. They're angry and arguing. Here's the crazy part: They're arguing about who is 'most worthy' of Victoria.
And it's all like 'Oh, Victoria! I love you! I'll make you so happy forever' and then Taylor's all 'Fuck her! She's lying! I love you! I need you!'. And we're just staring at this, and I remember asking Chloe if she's seeing this. That, and, are we losing our minds, or did those two girls decide to punk the fucking hell out of Victoria Chase?
So Zachary comes along...no wait. Was it Logan? Sorry, those football bros look alike. Anyhow, he comes over and tells the two of them to leave Victoria alone, it was obviously upsetting her, and how this stupid joke of theirs was going too far. But then booooing! He's all switching gears, and getting scary possessive. About how Victoria needs a man. Needs him.
Victoria runs. Seriously, she kicks off her heels, and runs like the fucking wind for her car. I totally got chills watching it.
I started talking about how maybe we should do something about this. I don't know, look into it? I couldn't help but feel something was really wrong, and bitchy mean or not, Victoria needed someone to help her. Rachel nods, and says 'Yeah, totally.'. But get this: she wants to do it alone. Insists on it. She gets this look on her face like she knows exactly what's going on, and has a plan to do something about it.
Well, you know, that's Rachel for you. She gets shit done.
I started to insist that she let us come with, but she managed to talk me out of it. Even after Chloe insists she bring her 'backup crew', she talks Che out of it, too. Probably just as well. Not a Victoria fan, never have been. Pity, because she's good in class, and she actually knows her stuff. Just wish she wasn't so high and mighty and stuck-the-fuck-up, but whatever. I don't have time in my ever-shortening life for her shit.
August 25th, 2012
Yeah, hi diary. Remember a few months back when I talked about that weird freaking day with Victoria? And how it was almost three whole days before she came back to class? Rachel wouldn't talk much about it, other than to say it was a fucked up joke. Which I guess it was, because Taylor and Courtney were pathetically grovelling for forgiveness.
But she and Victoria started hanging out a lot more. Like they're actually friends or something!
I didn't want to believe it at first, but somehow, they got closer. And Victoria starts being not-so-horrible all the time. They even went away somewhere together for the summer. No details, not my business. I was too busy spending All The Time with Chloe, anyhow. She came back to Seattle with me for a few weeks, and we kind of officially came out to my folks. God, took way too long with that...they weren't all that surprised when we finally told them. Okay, Mom was. Dad not so much. Weird, right?
Ahem.
Uh...so how do I say this?
As soon as we got back home, Chloe and I find out that Victoria and Rachel are kind of, sort of, not exactly, but what-else-would-you-call it dating. Romantically and shit.
We went on a double date tonight; there were absolutely no good movies playing, so we had to settle for this stupid Total Recall film - you know, yet another reboot of some ancient flick from the 80's. I only remember Dad complaining about a zillion times how they 'ruined a classic'. Still, upside of going into a movie you don't intend to watch? Makeout city!
(Me with Chloe and Victoria with Rachel. No crossovers, get your mind out of the gutter, Diary. Or, I guess Future Max. Hi Future Max.)
And then pizza.
You know what? With Rachel playing peacemaker, Victoria Chase isn't half bad. I might actually get to like her. I might even - and this is probably just the bong hit that Chloe gave me three seconds ago as I'm writing this journal entry in her room talking - but I think we could even be friends. At any rate, I really ought to try, if just because it's obvious that it means a lot to Rachel. And Ms. Amber-If-You're-Nasty is my Second Best Bestie of all time! So yeah. I'll do it for her.
September 16th, 2012
And welcome to Junior year. Kate and I are room mates, how neat is that?! Of course, I only did it to get visitation rights with Alice. Hee hee. Kidding. But the Buddhist Goth chick and the Preppy Christian girl. It's like a buddy comedy that writes itself!
Chloe's still graduated. And she is still fucking crabbing over 'only' becoming salutatorian. Ha ha! What a damn overachiever. Her plan is to go to University of Oregon - Corvallis next year. Deferred this year, so she could work a job and raise some bucks.
And of course, so she could stay close to me.
Hee hee hee.
Hell, half the time, I'm sneaking away to her parents place, where she's living now, and sleeping there. Worst kept secret in school. No one seems to care, even and especially Kate, and that suits me just fine.
It's awesome though. Like...like we're married or something. We've settled into this routine, but in a great way. The best way. I am seriously the luckiest high school student in the whole world. Any regrets I might have about hooking up with her a year ago are non-existent at this point.
The 'plan' is for Chloe to spend freshman year in Corvallis while I finish up at Blackwell, then we'll find a college we can both attend. San Francisco, maybe.
Maybe…
Future Max?
Are you reading this now?
This is important. This is our big life plan I'm talking about. Her and me. All we talk about these days is what our life is going to be like, when we move away to San Francisco. Chloe went and bought us Irish claddagh rings. If you've been reading all my journals, you probably remember that she gave me mine at prom. Maybe we aren't like officially engaged, but at this point, we might as well be.
Chances are, I won't be around anymore to make those plans happen. But you will. So you make it happen, okay?
You owe me that. Seriously, you owe me this much, if nothing else.
I mean, I won't even see my own wedding day…
October 12th, 2012
Okay. This is it.
My last year.
I solemnly, super pinky promise blood swear to make this the best last year anyone ever had in their life.
I'm not going to go crazy, and do anything like drop out of school, buy an RV and tour the country with Chloe. Because seriously, who does something like that?! But everything is going to be positive. I'm not going to let myself get maudlin, or weepy, or start living in fear. I'll treasure every day. Just be completely and utterly thankful, for every second. Every breath. And every kiss, and every I love you, and every joint, and every slice of pizza, and every corny joke Rachel makes, and every surprisingly useful photo tip Victoria gives me, and every smile and cup of tea Kate passes my way. Never look back. Never look ahead. Just live in the moment.
No fear.
None, whatsoever.
I promise myself that much.
(God, why can't I get my heart to stop beating so fucking fast, then?)
January 2nd, 2013
Shit.
Shiiiiiiit!
I opened the letter. The last of the three.
I almost didn't. I nearly told myself "Fuck it. I don't want to know. I don't want any of that BS harshing my positive mindset." I was going to tear that letter up and throw it away and live with the consequence of not knowing. Because, you know what, Future Max? You and Time are not the boss of me! Me being Awesome Present Max.
Anyhow, shut up, because I read your stupid fucking letter, six minutes after midnight yesterday.
Nathan Prescott. Mark Jefferson.
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
How the hell am I supposed to do this? How the hell am I supposed to stop them from murdering Stella Hill?! I can barely believe the situation at all. That these two are sicko killers, getting their kicks from tying girls up in some sort of bunker somewhere.
What do I do? Seriously, I am out of ideas. I mean, it's not like I can go to the police about this. Yeah, right, how would that work? "Hi there, I'm a Special Little Snowflake with information from the future. You totally need to lock up Nathan Prescott and Mark Jefferson right now. Oh? What's that? All your asses are owned by the Prescott family? Why yes, I do believe I can show myself out the door and never come back to the police station ever again!"
If only I could tell Chloe. She and I could solve this in under a week. Guaranteed.
But I can't. I don't even know how to explain. I mean, she loves me, but I think this is too much for her to swallow. So it'll just be me. I think I've got a plan forming. It'll involve getting closer, and becoming better friends with Stella. I mean, we're friendly, but we're not close. And then, I figure in April, I'll stake her out on the day in question, and maybe try to catch Nathan and Jefferson in the act. Take pictures. And...and I think Chloe's stepdad has guns; maybe I can figure out how to borrow one. Secretly.
Oh shit.
I just realized: I have to spend months now, taking Mr. Jefferson's stupid class, and pretending I don't know he's a sick, sick asshole! Oh fuck! Fuck him! Fuck you, Mr. Jefferson! I totally respected your work. Adored it! And now it's all sick and tainted. Just like you!
Alright. No time to bitch. Gotta be a hero. Gotta save the day.
Still...fuck you, Future Max!
How did I know you'd find a way to sorta wreck my life near the end?
April 23rd, 2013
That...did not go as planned. At all.
Damnit.
Good news, though? Everything worked out fine. Despite all my efforts. Sheesh!
But I did it. I got closer to Stella...nice girl, actually. Totally not a wasted effort. I couldn't steal one of David's guns, but that creepy drug dealer who hangs out near the dinner was able to get something for me. Charged me way too much money for some Saturday Night Special that looks like it'll fall apart if I shoot it more than three times. The hardest part was pretending not to know what I did about Nathan and Jefferson. To not lose it and shoot them pre-emptively, and solve the situation that way. To just play pretend, for months and months.
But anyhow. I had to do this right. I needed proof, or at least had to catch them in the act. And doing it alone? I mean, maybe I could have figured out other plans. Ways to stop this sooner. Breaking into Jefferson's office and trying to find evidence, or tailing Nathan and seeing where he goes?
But I couldn't bring myself to do. Not by myself. Jesus Christ, I feel like such a coward. All this time I've talked about pushing myself, living bravely, grabbing life with both hands. And look at how I failed. I didn't want to risk getting caught doing anything crazy, and spending the rest of my year in juvie or something, or getting killed. Someone's life was on the line, and I couldn't act until the very last minute.
Anyhow...
I spent all day, on the day in question, stalking Stella. Trying to keep an eye on her, but not be near enough for her to spot me. Because I needed Nathan and Jefferson to make their move. Spent the whole day, and whole night keeping guard. I blew off date night with Chloe so I could make sure Stella wasn't gonna get kidnapped in her sleep and die.
Not a damn thing happened, and I'm all 'What the hell, Future Max?'.
The next day, I found out that the two Wonder Creeps made a play for Rachel instead. They almost got away with it, except Victoria caught them in the act as she was coming back with pizza. The story gets really hazy there, in regards to exactly what happened, that is. I haven't been able to get a straight answer out of either of them, except that Victoria somehow was able to subdue them until the police came.
Kinda awesome though. Really awesome. I don't know how you did it, Tori, but you saved the day. You were a big damn hero. I'm really glad you're my friend, that we were able to put aside all the bullshit between us in the past.
So that's it. Didn't even need my help. SuperVicky did it all herself.
Shit...I'm never going to forgive myself for not handling that situation better. But...I'm not some superhero, or a secret agent or something. So I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But I'm not in a good place right now. I'm really not. Putting aside the fact that I kind of failed myself, I'm trying so hard not to get false hope and crazy ideas. Ideas like: If she was wrong about this, maybe Future Max is totally wrong about what's going to happen in October. Maybe I'm totally in the clear, and everything is going to be okay. But I can't afford to think that way. Because I don't know if I did something that changed the timeline. Like maybe Jefferson spotted me, and it spooked him, and it made him go after Rachel as an alternative.
That makes the most sense.
But it's still so hard for me not to hope against hope right now.
God damnit!
October 4th, 2013
Last full weekend of my life.
Yup.
And two of my lame best friends, Lame Rachel, and Victoria The Ultra Lame aren't going to be around for it.
I don't know what's up, exactly. Just them going to New York City for a long weekend. I can't get the reasons out of them. Victoria said it was for a photo exhibit premier that her parents are involved with, but Rachel made it sound like some sort of romantic getaway.
Seriously though, WTF? Who suddenly runs off to the East Coast, in the middle of school? Well, anyhow, they told me they'd probably be back before the end of next week.
Hope I get one last chance to say goodbye to them...even though I won't actually say the words. Whatever. I shouldn't be so angry. They don't know what's coming for me, and if our places were reversed, I know I sure as hell would want to go to New York City, eat fancy room service, shop for tons of fancy clothes, and fuck like bunnies, too.
But Chloe is still here with me. Thank God, she's coming over from college to visit me this weekend.
It's probably better this way. Her and me. We can just spend the whole weekend in her bedroom. And it doesn't even have to be just sex. We can chill, binge-watch movies, get stoned. I just know it's going to be great. No matter what the two of us do.
We'll be together. That's all that matters now.
October 12th, 2013
I feel like I should open with a poem.
Oh wait, I'm kinda getting ahead of myself.
Today is the last day of my life. Not even the last full day. The Future Max Express is going to hit in barely an hour.
Well, anyhow. I got up a little before dawn. Watched the sunrise. Had a nice breakfast. Nothing too fancy. Waffles and eggs. Bacon. Stuff I know I'll always like. Food that's satisfying, that reminds me of my childhood.
Can't believe it's finally here.
Like I said, I feel like I should open with a poem, but I guess it's too late now. Just as well, it probably wouldn't be worth it. Because I feel like something by Emily Dickinson is too appropriate. All the references about the candle burning at both ends, and death stopping to pick her up, and how we should look back on Time with kindly eyes. It's too accessible. At the hospice, it seemed like everyone was quoting her. I ought to do something unique to me.
Huh.
You know what? No. I don't need a memorial.
I don't need to lionize myself. I already did that. Every day, and every hour, where I lived, and lived well. Lived without being completely consumed by fear of this day. No matter how much I wanted to be, sometimes. And that I didn't let fear overwhelm and dominate me. Where I pushed myself to go past - sometimes way past - my limits, because I'd never get another chance.
I have to believe that the last five years mean something. I was here, you know? I was here, Future Max! I lived, and I fell in love with the most incredible woman in the world. And I helped people, and people helped me. I saw things, and did stuff...that I probably wouldn't have had the guts to try if I didn't know I had such little time. I took the best photos of my life, of the Berserker fields in Iceland, and I rode the super cute horses they have there, and took even more photos of the Northern Lights. I got a traffic ticket in Italy for riding this stupid little Vespa scooter the wrong way in traffic, and I had a zillion people in Japan rush up and give me a hug, because holy shit, there's this gaijin girl, and she's doing the Ika Dance in the Squid Parade in some port town in southern Hokkaido, and that almost never ever happens!
Maybe each and every day wasn't absolutely perfect. There were times I definitely faltered. Sometimes my courage fell to my feet - that's Bowie, by the way. Once or twice, I stopped whatever it was I was doing and begged God to keep this day from happening, even after I told myself I wasn't going to be afraid.
It's okay, though.
It's okay.
People die every day. In stupid, mean, tragic ways. Ways that are pointless. Brutal, and absolutely senseless. And more often than not, they never get to see it coming. But I got a warning. Oh believe me, I got a hell of a warning.
So much of these last five years have been spectacular. Especially once Chloe and I got it together. And who knows if I would have had the wherewithal to do that, if I didn't know my time was limited. Yeah, I think I can pretty much guarantee that I would have been a much different person, with a way different life if I didn't know my time on this planet was so strictly limited.
Of course I want more. Hell yeah, I would have liked to have seen so many things, do even more. But that's all on you now, Future Max. I'm leaving you the keys to my life. It's pretty incredible. Make the most of it for me. For both of us. The last five years were a gift. And now, I want you to have the rest of it.
I forgive you. Whatever else, know that I forgive you. I don't know for sure but somehow, I believe you're even more of a victim of the Universe than I am.
I hope my life makes up for whatever It did to you.
Love,
Max Caulfield, Past and Present.
A/N: Whew!
Well, that was a new record. Sorry for the marathon session there, folks, but this is one of those chapters that I could have just continuously written forever. The original idea was to have everything play out from multiple perspectives over the five years as they unwound, but that would have been a repeat of the issues chapters 6-12: a 75K word ending that took a long time to wrap up. Plus, I liked the notion of NewMax being in the dark as shit was going on around her, like Camilla clearly sending Alanna to scan her, like Reese did way back in the beginning of the story.
Oh! Before I forget...Theodur: did you spot the little nod I gave you? :-D
Oddly enough, until the last week, this chapter was going to start in December 2008. I have no idea why it didn't occur to me until the very end how strange and jarring it felt without having those first few weeks as NewMax initially processes what's going on. Glad I thought to come back to that and bulk it up, even if that did add a lot more words, because it was seriously needed.
I will say this was definitely a difficult chapter to write, in terms of establishing narrative authority; trying to make it convincing that this is indeed someone struggling with an impeding death - albeit an incredibly unusual one - and coming to some sort of peace or at least acceptance of it. Not to mention how time consuming this chapter was to proofread, edit, proofread again, and do final polish for. I was right down to the wire.
I also imagine someone out there is asking "Uh, how come Max didn't write a letter to herself about Nathan with an earlier open date? Maybe try to befriend him way before 2013, and see if she could be a good influence on him." That's an excellent question, one that will get more or less answered in the next chapter.
So obviously, you folks noticed I dumped this out a day early; I've decided I've had it with schedules. I'm just going to put this chapter out now, and the final chapter out as soon as I can, possibly as early as tonight. Just...kinda done with this series. Don't really want to say anything more than that.