Chapter 4

Hearts a Mess

Clara's friends didn't seem to think much about her accident with Officer Pittman.

"It was a coincidence," Naomi said with a wave of her hand, "The ship is big, yes, but when you are practically walking through his office, it is bound to happen."

"I suppose," Clara shrugged, "It just seemed like something more to it, but I suppose I have always read too deeply into things."

"Clara," Hope began, "As your oldest friend, I can honestly say a description about you has never been truer."

Clara stared at her friend and then the three women began to laugh. "I am so happy to have you two with me on this trip," Clara said, "I think I would be completely alone otherwise."

"Well Clara, we are certainly glad to keep you company as well," Hope smiled at her friend.

After the meal, the three women parted from their husbands and took a stroll around the deck. The day went by without much happening. The ladies stayed together, met up with Esther and Benjamin and they had an agreeable day on the deck, watching Clara's little boy play with his toys. The weather was quite incredible for that time of the year and despite being out on the ocean, no one was really uncomfortable from the temperature.

"May I ask you all a question that we can keep in the utmost secrecy?" Clara asked as they sat down on a bench.

"Of course Clara," Hope and Naomi replied.

"In the course of your marriage, have your husbands pulled away or anything like that?" Clara spoke slowly and tentatively.

Hope and Naomi exchanged looks with each other and then Hope spoke, "Well in what way?"

"I guess, emotionally?" Clara shrugged, "We used to be so close, David and I, and after Benjamin was born he slowly pulled away and is now completely lost to me. He never seems to care about me or how I feel."

"Clara, he is your husband and as far as he is concerned, once you gave him a child, nothing else really mattered," Hope said, "I know it is hard for you because you genuinely fell in love with your husband but that is likely the case." She paused, "Please do not think I am cruel, but I have heard your story from so many other women. A marriage where the man and woman both truly love each other are often left to novels."

"So, you think it was all just an act until I gave him a child?" Clara asked.

"I did not say that," Hope answered, frowning.

"I guess that is just the nature of things." Clara shrugged, "But there has to be more to it all than relying on your emotional needs to be fulfilled by your children."

"We are women and that is just the hand we were dealt in life," Naomi said, matter-of-factly.

The two women looked at Naomi, "Are you speaking in poker terms?" Hope asked, a small smile tearing at her lips.

"My daughter's nanny plays games with the cooks at home and I walked in on a game in the kitchen one evening. My mouth was parched and I needed water, the next thing I knew, I was in the game," Naomi was laughing, "It is quite thrilling!"

"What would you do if your husband were to walk in on that?!" Clara asked.

"I think he would join in!" Naomi giggled.

"That would be quite the site," Clara mused, but there was still the tinge of hurt and bitterness in her voice. She wondered if her husband really had abandoned real thought or care for her once their son was born.

Eventually she gathered up Benjamin and she went with Esther back to the stateroom. They cleaned Clara's son up and then Clara herself began to prepare for supper. That evening Clara wore her hair up in a bun with jewels wrapped around it and a dark green dinner gown. It was tight but modest on the woman and a light train followed the gown. She chose this gown in particular because it had always been one of David's favorites. Her brown eyes shone with the dress and the way her makeup had been done to just perfectly frame her face.

In the living room, David was waiting in his usual black suit. His eyes took in his wife and he nodded, "You look very lovely Clara. We are to be having supper with the captain and a few of his friends tonight."

"Really?" Clara asked as she slipped her hands into gloves, "Why is that?"

"We were invited. He seems quite taken with us I suppose," David shrugged it off, "We should be going though."

Clara nodded and turned to face her son, "Darling behave and we will see you in just a bit."

"Yes mummy," Benjamin answered.

As the couple left and walked down the grand staircase with other young couples, Clara's ears heard the faint strain of a Barcarole coming from the dining room, "Oh I love this song," she sighed happily.

"Mmm," David seemed to be listening, "This particular arrangement was played at our wedding."

Clara's eyes gleamed, "You remember?"

"I am not completely useless," David pointed out.

"I never said you were useless," Clara's smiled turned quickly to a frown.

David did not have a chance to respond because then Robert and Naomi walked up with an older woman beside them.

"Hello Robert," David said, his eyes fell on the woman, "Madam," he gave a slight bow.

"Oh none of those formalities!" the woman, who was clearly an American said, "We're all friends here, not royalty," she paused, "Well, some of them might be a royal!"

"I do not believe we have met," Clara said.

"Oh Clara," Naomi began, "This is Mrs. Brown of America! She knows the Astor's who are of course, old friends of my father."

"Please," Mrs. Brown began, "Call me Molly!"

"Well it is a pleasure to meet you. My name is Clara Moore," Clara said, smiling.

"And you too!" Molly replied.

"When did you board? I do not recall seeing you at supper last night," Clara began, looking between Molly and her friends.

"Oh I arrived last night when the ship docked in France. I took a late supper in my stateroom," Molly explained, "But enough about me and all of this jaw wagging, I need to go find JJ and Madeline. I am sure that I will see you all in there. It was so nice to meet you!"

"Yes of course, enjoy your evening," David said, who spoke for the first time since they first ran into Robert, Naomi, and Mrs. Brown,.

"We will see you in there," Naomi told Molly and the two women smiled at each other.

Then Naomi looked to Clara and David, "Are you two joining us at our table again?"

"No actually," David began, "Robert old man, I will see you in the smoking room but we are going to have supper with the Captain and a few of his friends."

"Alright then, enjoy it," Robert shook David's hand and then he headed for the dining room with Naomi.

Clara watched her friend go and then she allowed herself to be guided by her husband. Once they were seated and the waiters began to disperse throughout the room, the music silenced since the band was not to play during the actual meal times, which Clara thought was actually a shame, because she really enjoyed listening to them play. When the Captain arrived at the table, they all stood up out of respect until he was seated. With them was Thomas Andrews, who Clara was very pleased to see, then Bruce Ismay and several others who represented Harland and Wolff.

The meal was enjoyable at best, but really Clara only found joy in the Captain and Mr. Andrews company. The men from Harland Wolff paid her no mind and then Mr. Ismay was rude at best. He and David however, seemed to get along. They discussed the business side of the White Star Line and how things like the Titanic even came to be, but Clara was reminded me of a very annoying bug when she looked at Mr. Ismay, one that she felt had to be smacked away instantly.

"So, any other children in the future for you?" Captain Smith asked, his kind eyes twinkling as he asked the Moore's.

"I would love to, but-" Clara began, however David cut her off. "But it is very unlikely. We were quite lucky to get the one."

"Oh and why is that?" the captain asked.

"Well Clara had quite a time of it even carrying children. Benjamin was the fourth one we attempted, Clara lost all the others," David explained.

Clara's face had gone white, discussing her lost babies was not something she really enjoyed, "David," she whispered quietly, "I do not want to talk about this."

"Clara, it is fine," David said, giving her a strange look, like he could not quite understand. His attention turned back to the other men, "I tell you, it was quite a disappointment every time. I could not understand where the failure was coming from," he took a sip of his drink, "I could not even believe it when she finally did bring our son into the world."

"David," Clara pleaded, "Please!"

"Mrs. Moore," Mr. Andrews began quietly, "Are you okay?"

"Clara cut it out," David said, giving her yet another look, "You are overreacting."

"I hardly find not wanting to talk about my apparent failures to bring healthy children into this world an overreaction," Clara had tears in her eyes which were now red rimmed. She grabbed her napkin and dabbed at her mouth, "If you will excuse me gentlemen," she said, standing up, "I need to get some air."

Everyone watched her go and it was the Captain who spoke first, "Oh I feel quite awful."

"Oh do not feel bad Edward," David said, "She just gets like that."

"Do you not think it would be more prudent if you went to check on her?" Mr. Andrews began, "She is your wife after all."

"Oh she will calm down after a bit and come back in, I am not worried," David shrugged.

"Quite right," Mr. Ismay said, "It is not a man's place to go chasing after women when they get emotional like that."

Clara tried to keep her emotions to herself as she rushed up the stairs towards the door, but when she finally reached the deck of the ship, she could hardly breathe from how hard she was crying. David had never talked about the miscarriages and still-born babies in such a nonchalant manner like that before, he had always known that it upset her to think about it and respected the rule in the house to not mention it.

Clara rushed to the cold railing of the ship and held onto it tightly. She had left her gloves at the table but she did not even notice the icy feeling beneath her fingers. If anything, she hoped it would calm her down. Of all the years they had been married, Clara had never witnessed or heard David be so cruel about what she had endured. She was completely still for a long time, the only sounds that Clara heard was her own heavy breathing, slowly returning to normal. Her eyes were red and tired, she was quite sure if someone were to approach her now, she would look like quite the sight, but she didn't care. She kept her eyes open and scanned the black and dark ocean.

At the sound of footsteps approaching, just a moment later, Clara closed her eyes and rubbed at them with her hands, hoping to hide any sign of her current emotional state.

"Miss?" a voice asked gently.

Clara turned and opened her eyes to see the man from the bridge, the same one who had spilled tea on her, "Oh hello," she answered, forcing a smile.

"Oh Mrs. Moore, right?" Pittman smiled for a brief second at his luck in seeing the woman for a third time, but his smile quickly dropped when he saw how red her eyes were and the streaked makeup, "Are you alright?"

She nodded, a little too eagerly, "Quite alright, thank you." Clara shivered as she spoke, the cold finally catching up with her.

"Well forgive me for saying so, but you do not look or sound alright," Pittman replied.

Clara laughed nervously, "Really I am fine. I am always fine," she shivered again.

He noticed and frowned further, "Do you plan on being out here for long?"

She looked towards the door and the thought of going back to dinner or to her husband right now was not something she wanted to do. Gently she gave a nod of her head.

"Well here at least take this." Before Clara could protest, Pittman had taken his coat off and wrapped it around her icy shoulders. Instantly she felt a bit better with the wool around her body, which was already warm from Pittman's body heat.

"Oh sir, I could not. It would not be appropriate," she said.

"No, it would not be appropriate if I saw a woman who is upset as it is, walking around and battling the odds of getting sick, which right now the odds are not in your favor. I will be fine but you have more skin exposed than I do," he explained.

Clara blushed and that was the first real sign of color in her cheeks since she had come outside. "What is your name?" she asked, "Your Christian name that is."

"Ah Herbert," he answered and he smiled that she had seemed to abandon the idea of fighting with him over the coat.

"Then call me Clara," she said.

"So Clara," he began, "Are you going to tell me what has you so shaken?"

Clara moved away from the railing of the ship and walked up a step and shrugged, "My husband began talking in a careless matter about the amount of times I was pregnant and lost babies before my Benjamin came along." She knew full well that this man was a stranger and a member of the ship's crew no less, but as far as Clara was concerned she would likely never see him again and they had already passed the boundaries of "appropriate." Clara looked at Herbert and gave a bitter laugh, "He has never spoken about it at home because he knows how much it upsets me. Tonight he started and when I asked him to stop, he brushed me off like my emotions and feelings over my dead children were pointless."

Hebert stared at the woman in shock and horror. He knew if it was his children and his wife, the last thing he would do would be to talk about it, especially if it upset her as badly as it clearly did. "I am so sorry-" He began.

"You can not control David, so why apologize for him?" Clara asked, looking at him.

"Well I am sorry for your husband's behavior but I am even more sorry for your loss. No one should have to endure the loss of children like that."

She stared at him in amazement, no one, not even her parents had ever made Clara feel justified in mourning or referred to the children as if they had lived lives and then were taken from her. It had always been a time of disappointment, rest for the sick mother, and then life moved on for her family, where as Clara's soul was still left behind with her lost babies. "Thank you," Clara said quietly.

There was a very long silence between the two and then Clara heard the music coming from the dining hall, signaling that supper was over. "I should go," she began, "Benjamin will be going to sleep soon and he will be looking for me."

"Let me at least make sure you get back okay," Herbert offered.

Clara nodded, "Okay."

The two walked back to the door and he opened it, allowing Clara to enter first. They were quiet as they walked past the dining saloon where people were still seated and talking, and then down the hall way. As they walked, Herbert could not help himself but to look at the young woman before him. She was absolutely stunning in his opinion, her hair was a mess and falling down, but to him it added to the woman's beauty. Her skin started to regain color when they reached the warmth of the halls and he noticed how warmly colored her eyes were. He was just noticing her porcelain complexion when she stopped and turned to face him, "This is my room. Thank you very much," she said, "For seeing to my safety."

"Of course," he took his hat off and gave a polite bow, "If you need anything else for the rest of the trip, please do not hesitate to come find me."

"Thank you Herbert," she smiled at him and then quickly entered the state room.

He stared as the door closed behind him and quietly, slowly, Herbert Pittman began to walk away from the door of the room to a woman, that he was quite sure, he was completely infatuated with

xx

A/N- You know the drill. I'm going to be late for work so I have to go. Please let me know what you think! God, David is such a twat, isn't he?