Chapter 13

My Burden

"I cannot find him." Clara had been searching for close to half an hour and none of the women had been successful in locating the little boy. When they were down towards the bow of the ship, she had noticed that the ship was indeed taking on a significant amount of water, as a majority of the lower decks were covered. She shivered as she thought about standing down there, just days before, as her little boy played with his marbles and she sat with Pitman, falling more and more in love with him as each day passed.

"Oh daring," Hope took Clara's hand, "I am sure an officer picked him up. Maybe your friend Pitman has seen him?"

"We should check on the port side, the boys would not have known to ask Bert," Clara sighed and began to push her way through the crowds.

There was quite a lot more people on the decks now, all trying to get into a boat, some still seemed to be in their own little world, thinking it all a silly game that the White Star Line had invented, and there were some who were in fact taking the disaster seriously. This made it difficult for Clara to get to the other side of the ship, but when she finally did she found David and his friends standing up on a bench, searching the crowds, as if looking for their wives.

"Naomi!" Robert shouted, he jumped down and pushed through the crowd to the women.

"Did you find him?" Clara asked when she was reunited with David.

"No, there has been no sign of him," David's looked disheveled and completely stressed out, "Look Clara we need to just-"

"Clara! There you are!"

She whirled around as hands grabbed her by the arms and she faced the officer before her, "Lowe!" She shouted, "Have you seen Bertie?"

"He left about half an hour ago! Murdoch put him in charge of a boat!" Lowe explained quickly, casting quick glances to Lightoller who had been loading people into a boat, "Look I have just been given charge of a boat and I promised Bert that I would get you off the ship."

"Lowe I cannot go!" Clara's eyes welled up with tears, she desperately wanted Herbert to be there with her, to help her look, "My little boy is missing! We lost him in the crowds!"

Harold shook his head quickly, "No it is okay! We found him!"

Clara's eyes lit up, "You found Benjamin?!"

"Well where is he, man?!" David shouted.

"Herbert has him in boat number five," Lowe quickly explained, "He came up to me, asking me for help and Herbert recognized him. We were concerned about him waiting around up here and I could not promise nothing would happen to him while I was working, so Herbert grabbed him to make sure he was safe."

"Oh God," Clara's tears has finally begun to fall, "So he is okay?"

"Yes Clara, your son is okay."

Clara threw her arms around Lowe, "Oh thank you Harold, thank you."

"Come on love, you have to get on a boat. It is filling up fast," Lowe pulled away from her and began to lead her towards the boat.

"Sir, will there be room for me?" David asked.

Harold raised an eyebrow and shook his head, "Not right now sir, I am under strict orders to only allow women and children."

"Naomi and Hope!" Clara reached for them, "Please come along!"

"You can not be serious?" Naomi frowned, "I can not go without Robert!"

"Naomi, David, James, and I will get on a lifeboat. You need to go now and we will catch the first one when they start allowing men, alright?" Robert was staring his wife dead on, "Please go for me, darling."

"Clara," Harold whispered, "We have to go."

Clara looked at him and then back to David, "Please be careful. Benjamin needs you."

David nodded, "Clara I know that I have been a horrible husband and on this trip especially, I was particularly cruel to you. My hope was that you would hate me enough leave or," she shrugged, "I do not know but I am sorry for the pain and misery I have caused you. You deserve to be happy."

Her breath hitched, Clara felt like this sounded like a goodbye and she would not tolerate it, not matter how much she despised the man she was legally tied to, "David, you will get off of this ship."

He smiled, "I will try, Clara."

Clara bit her lower lip from the nerves and she quickly kissed him on the cheek, "Take care, David."

He nodded and instead of saying another word, David helped Clara step into the lifeboat. She settled into a seat and looked back to see Hope and Naomi, both with tears streaming down their faces as their husbands watched their women get into the boats.

"Good luck Lowe," Lightoller said as he shook the man's hand.

"Good luck Lights," Lowe replied before moving to the end of the boat to stand as it was slowly started to lower down.

Clara's eyes raced from person to person, faces staring down at her, people were getting desperate and trying to get into the boat.

"Get back, damn you!" Lowe shouted, "You will drown the lot of us!"

Clara reached for her friends hands and clutched them tightly. Fear gripped the three women and Hope screamed when gun shots rang out through the night; Lowe had shot his gun down the side of the ship as a warning. A crackle went up into the sky as distress flares were shot off and Clara could not help but be amazed at the sight of it all, like a firework that was setting the mood for a party, in the midst of a terrible tragedy taking place.

The trip towards the black water was slow moving and Clara thought they would never reach the end when men began to cut through the thick ropes that attached them to the ship. People were screaming and becoming more frantic and it was not until they were at least ten yards away from the ship, that Clara saw just how terribly submerged the Titanic was. The water glowed as lights were still on in the rooms that were just beneath the bow. Flares continued to go off and the screams of absolute terror seemed to fade, but they never escaped them. There was no escaping the sounds.

"Clara, I am so very scared," Hope said through her tears.

"I know my love," Clara wrapped an arm around the younger woman and sighed, "I know."

–

"Officer Pitman?"

"Yes Benjamin?"

"When do we play the game with mummy?" The child seemed to be completely oblivious to what was going on around him and he definitely did not seem to notice that the ship he had just been on, only forty-five minutes before was now taking on water and rapidly.

Pitman sighed as he moved around as best as he could in the boat and he carefully pulled the child closer to him, to ensure he stayed warm, "We will see your mother soon."

Benjamin sighed as he curled into Pitman's arms.

"You are a real natural with him," a woman in the boat said.

Pitman looked at the passenger and raised an eyebrow, "Yeah?"

She nodded, "Is he yours?"

Herbert shook his head, "No, but I do care for his mother very much."

"Well, she is lucky to have someone like you."

He smiled at the woman and then turned his gaze back to the Titanic. She looked majestic, beautiful, and haunting all at the same time. The lights were still blazing and Pitman knew he would never see one of those engineers again, they were giving their last moments to keep lights on for passengers, that was the only reasonable explanation. Boats were still being lowered away and if you squinted, you could make out tiny figures racing back and forth. Music wafted across the Atlanic Ocean that night, hauntingly sad music, that could only be coming from Wallace Hartley and his band.

Within moments, Benjamin Moore was asleep in his arms and Herbert could not be more relieved, the last thing this child needed was to witness the sinking of the great Titanic. As they pulled farther and farther away from the ship, all he could think about was Clara and he prayed harder that night than he had in his entire life, that Lowe had succeeded in finding Clara and got her off of the ship.

–

"Do you think many will die?" Naomi whispered, her eyes were glossy as she stared t he sinking ocean liner.

Clara looked at her friend and gave a mere shrug, "There are not nearly enough boats for everyone on board. So yes, some will die and some will live," she sighed, exhaustion was weighing down on her but she was too scared to sleep. She was afraid to fall asleep when her friends needed her. She shared a glance with Lowe who was helping to row the boat away from the ship, but he said nothing to her.

"We were going to start a family when we returned to England," Hope murmured, her voice was thick with emotion.

"You can not speak as if he is gone, you two have very smart and resourceful husbands. I am sure they will think of something," Clara said in a reassuring voice.

"And your husband?" Hope asked, looking at Clara.

Clara sighed, "I hope he makes it for Benjamin's sake."

"You two have been miserable for so long," Naomi murmured, "I am sorry."

"Do not be sorry," Clara shrugged, "It is our burden to carry, not yours." Her eyes fixed back on the ship and she sighed heavily as she set in for the longest night of her life.

XX

A/N- Alright I have to go to work. Please review! :)