Chapter 15
Make You Feel My Love
"Clara!" Herbert shouted before running over to the woman.
She had fallen in a crumpled heap, her eyes were shut when he reached her and picked her up into his arms. "Clara love," he whispered, "Darling."
"Sir what seems to be the issue?" a steward from the Carpathia's crew came running over.
"She just collapsed, I think it is exhaustion but we are quite sure her husband was lost to the disaster."
"We best get her in with the others to see the ship's doctor," the steward said, frowning.
"I think if we can just get her a place to lay down, I can tend to her," Pittman said.
"Are you sure sir?"
"Yes, just a bed and water would suit fine."
The steward nodded, "Alright, come along." At this point Clara's friends and their husbands, Esther, and Benjamin were at Pittman's side as they followed him down a hallway. "Our passengers have vacated their rooms to give places to the passengers to sleep. I guess it is true that disasters either bring out the best or the worst in people."
"That is really nice of them," Pittman murmured.
At last the steward found them some rooms and Herbert carefully laid Clara down on the bed in the corner.
"What is wrong with mummy?" Benjamin asked in a small voice.
Herbert looked at the child and sighed, "Mummy is just really tired," he looked to Esther, "Would you mind taking him to get some food while I tend to his mother?"
Esther nodded, "Yes sir." She picked Benjamin up and walked out of the room, followed closely by Hope, Naomi, and their husbands.
When the door was closed, Herbert locked it behind him and then moved to the cold water basin and he poured the drink into a cup. He sat down on the bed beside Clara and lifted her head so she would take the water. The temperature must have struck Clara, for as soon as the water passed through her lips, her eyes opened.
"Bertie?" she asked, her voice was low and hoarse.
"Here don't speak Clara, just drink this."
Clara pulled herself up into a sitting position and she slowly drank the water. The liquid filled her up and cooled her insides down and she worked on steadying her breathing as a million thoughts began to swim through her mind. "He is really gone," was all she said.
Herbert took her hand and squeezed it gently, "I am so sorry Clara."
"He was so horrible to me for so long and then last night the tragedy changed him and he took action and calmed me when Benjamin was missing. I could not stand him but he was my husband," Clara closed her eyes, "What am I going to tell Benjamin?"
"We will think of something, but you need to rest," Herbert said gently.
Clara looked at him, "I would be lost without you, Bertie."
"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will be with you through this, every step of the way," he said, smiling sweetly.
"I guess there is no point in running away now," Clara gave a bitter laugh, "I will have to return to England and oversee the funeral arrangements," she sighed, "I am a widow
at twenty-nine years old." She looked down at the wedding ring on her hand and carefully Clara pulled it off of her thin white finger, "I can finally take this off without it seeming strange."
Herbert watched Clara carefully, his eyes followed her movements as she set the ring on the small bedside table. Their eyes locked a moment later, "Clara, you should rest."
"Please just hold me," she murmured.
He nodded silently and carefully, Herbert climbed up into the bed with her. He wrapped an arm around her protectively and Clara's head came to rest on his chest, directly above his heart. There was a steady rhythmic beat to it and it helped to lull the young woman to sleep.
–
It was pitch black in the room when Pittman woke up. He was aware of the fact that his arm was asleep and he glanced at Clara who was still sleeping on the arm he had wrapped around her hours before and she looked so peaceful that he hated to have to disturb her. However, someone was knocking on the door and so he knew he could not continue to ignore the rapping sound, eventually it would wake Clara up. He was slow to pull his arm out from under Clara's body and Pittman swung his legs over the side of the bed, his socked feet made no sound on the wood floor.
He opened the door and Lightoller was on the other side, "I have been looking for you everywhere!" he hissed.
Pittman shrugged and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, "Well Clara collapsed, I could not leave her."
Charles peaked into the room and the only way he saw Clara in the otherwise dark room, was because of the moon passing by a window and it was casting a weird glow over the woman. "Herbert, I need to have a meeting with all of the surviving officers."
Herbert paled, he had been so caught up in Clara and tending to her, he had completely forgotten to ask who had even survived, "Who is left?"
Lightoller sighed, "Me, Boxhall, Lowe, and you."
"That's it?" Pittman felt sick at the thought of it.
"Yeah." Charles ran a hand over his face and sighed again, he felt so old and so sick from everything he had seen in the last 24 hours, "Smith went down with her, he was last seen in the bridge. Murdoch continued to load boats and that was where he was last seen. Moody was last seen on the decks as well and Wilde was seen in the water but that was it. Recovery mission for the dead are being planned as we speak, but it could be days and it is highly unlikely half of the bodies will be found."
"Has a death count been totaled?" Herbert's voice was so hoarse, all he wanted to do was have a sip of Clara's water.
"Roughly? The number appears to be around fifteen-hundred."
"God almighty."
The two men turned around to see Clara sitting upright in the bed, her eyes moist with tears.
"Clara darling, you need to rest," Herbert said, rushing over to her.
She got to her feet and shook her head, "I am starving. Go to your meeting and I am going to see if I can find some soup."
"There is hot soup, tea, and coffee in the dining room. I can show you where it is," Lightoller began, "It is on the way to the deck and the bridge where Titanic's other officers are waiting."
Clara nodded and the two silently followed Lightoller out of the room. The lights in the hallway were dimmed and Clara wondered what time it was. There was not much noise, but every so often they would pass a room and hear muffled sobs. The group did not say much as they walked, everyone seemed to be too numbed by the shock of it all. Clara occasionally glanced up at Pittman, who had his eyes fixed straight ahead, but she knew he was thinking of Will Murdoch. Will had been a good friend to Pittman and despite his worries about them getting caught, Will had also extended the hand of friendship to Clara.
As they walked, Clara and Herbert stood so close to each other that their fingers brushed and then their hands joined and the couple looked at each other. The gesture was simple but it meant the world to the other person. Their grips tightened when they finally made it to the dining room. On one side of the room, blankets, cots, and pillows were laid out for people to sleep and on the other side, the long tables had been pushed together so that people could eat. There was quiet crying in this room too, either in the makeshift beds or at the tables. People were leaning on each other or they were hunched over their food, some completely forgetting any idea of formalities and social niceties.
"Mrs. Moore!"
Clara looked around for the source of the voice that had called her name and she saw Esther sitting with Benjamin (who was asleep,) Hope, Naomi, their husbands, and Molly Brown. She looked back at Herbert who squeezed her hand gently, "I will be back in a bit. Go eat."
She nodded and reluctantly, Clara let go of Herbert's hand and she went over to the table.
"Boy, I am so pleased to see you," Molly said as Clara took her sleeping son from Esther.
"I am so glad to see you as well," Clara told her.
Clara dined on soup that Esther gathered for her and the warm rolls really helped to make her feel better. The hot tea was simple but it seemed to calm Clara's frazzled nerves. No one was really speaking about what had happened and she was glad because Clara was really not prepared to talk about the incident, the trip, and David in the past tense.
"I overheard Captain Rostron saying we could be in New York by the eighteenth," Robert said, "I have been in touch with the firm in New York, our reservations at the hotel still stand."
Clara nodded numbly, "Okay."
"There is also talk of an inquiry being held by America," Hope began, tentatively, "That could hold up passengers being able to go home if they are summoned."
"Why is America sticking their noses into this?" Clara frowned, "That makes no sense.
"That is what I said," Robert muttered, "It is damn American arrogance," he noticed Molly giving him a look and he blanched, "Sorry, I did not mean any disrespect towards you."
"No offense taken," Molly said, "Thank you for apologizing."
After the meal, their little group began to disperse to the rooms they had found. Esther had taken Benjamin back to the room Clara had slept in earlier while Clara stayed behind, waiting for Herbert. The room grew quiet as people settled in for sleep and finally, after long last, Herbert entered the room.
"Hi Clara," he said quietly, "I am sorry to have kept you waiting."
Clara stood up and wrapped her arms around him, "It is okay Bertie, please just do not leave me again."
"Come on love, let's sit down," Herbert said gently.
Clara sat down and she watched him as he went to get a bowl of soup and then he was back, sitting beside her. "So how was the meeting?" She asked.
Herbert shrugged as he brought a spoonful of soup to his mouth, he swallowed and then spoke, "Well it was difficult. Not seeing the others was very strange. But," he took another bite of the soup and then said, "We have been summoned to testify in the American inquiry."
Clara sighed, "The others were talking about that happening."
"Yes well as an officer of the RMS Titanic, I am required to attend and testify." Herbert shook his head, "It is utter nonsense."
"Naomi's husband was explaining to me that he had been in touch with their employers. David's that is," Clara bit her lip and then went on, "Our hotel reservations still stand, so I have a place to go when the ship docks but-"
"Clara," Herbert cut her off, "I do not want you separated from me."
"Well as David's widow, it is going to look very odd if I tell them that they can keep their generosity. It is quite a noble thing that they will still pay to put me up, even if my husband is not there."
Herbert sighed, "I know but Clara-"
"Bertie," she interrupted, "Just come with me or something."
"And how is that going to look to your late husbands employers?"
"Well it is not like we are going to announce your presence to the world," she shook her head, "Do not be ridiculous."
"Clara, I never want to be apart from you. I just worry if the wrong sort saw us at the hotel."
"I know Bertie," Clara closed her eyes, "It is going to be hard in New York but even harder in London. I will be expected to play the role of grieving widow and while I do grieve for him, I am not as distraught as I should be, I guess." She sighed, "I am beginning to question what is even expected of me at this point."
"Clara, just let's not worry about it. We will get through the next few days and then we will figure out what to do," Herbert said as he wrapped a protective arm around her, "I promise you."
After the meal, Clara and Herbert walked around the deck together. The lower decks were filled with survivors of the Titanic, a lot of them were the steerage passengers, and some were just people going through, looking at faces and searching for someone that they knew they would never find. Herbert spent the evening being careful to avoid any discussion of David, he was nervous about overwhelming Clara with emotions.
"How do you tell a little boy that his father is dead?" she asked suddenly.
Herbert looked at her and sighed, "I don't know Clara. But you know, I will be here for him and I know I can never replace David in his eyes, I will try to be a father to him."
Clara looked up at Herbert, her eyes were full of tears, "With everything I am about to go through and subject you to, just so we can be together," she sighed, "I do not deserve you."
"Clara, you deserve everything in the world. All of the happiness and beautiful things you could want. You deserve someone to love you and who will worship the ground you walk on. No one deserves it more than you do. I have never met a woman that I have found as incredible, beautiful, smart, and just captivating as you."
She looked up at him and smiled, "Thank you Bertie." Clara reached up to kiss him and was met by Herbert wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her against him. The kiss deepened and they found themselves hiding in the dark shadows against a wall, where no one would easily stumble upon the couple. Clara's hand came to rest behind Herbert's neck, her fingers ran through his hair as she tried to get years worth of emotions that had been denied to her, given to her right there in that kiss. Clara wasn't sure if it was the desire to connect with someone emotionally or just the stress of the last 24 hours, but when she and Herbert found themselves in a empty bedroom, she did not stop him from letting him love her completely and intimately, in a way she had never been loved by anyone other than her husband; and even then you could hardly compare the two in Clara's mind.
Xxx
A/N- Well...how is that for the ending of a chapter for you? I have to go now...I just got called at the last minute to work at a different store and now I am closing. At least I should still be home by 11:30 at the latest because this store closes at 10 as opposed to 11 or 12.
Thanks for reading and review, please! I'll need them to help me get through my shift! Xo