Chapter 16

It Will Be Hard Before it Is Easy

The next morning came and Clara was only separated from Herbert if he had to go meet with the other officers. She had never felt closer to another soul in her life and being alone now terrified her even more than anything else. She was sitting on the deck with Esther and Herbert, and they were watching Benjamin play. So far the child had not asked about his father, which would have struck anyone as odd, but Clara assumed it was because Benjamin never exactly was doted upon by his father. A look at the survivor list did confirm that David had definitely not made it, but that finality did not bother Clara as much as the uncertainty from the day before.

Clara and Herbert had only gotten a few hours of sleep because they had stayed up half the night planning their life together.

"I will introduce you to my mother and sisters. They will love you."

"Do you really think so?"

"Yes I do."

She smiled at the memory and her hand found Herbert's on the bench, despite being in public with people walking around.

"Mummy?" Benjamin suddenly came over, his eyes were wide and she could tell he had a question on his mind.

"Yes little love?" Clara asked, pulling her hand away from Herbert.

"Where's daddy?"

There it was, the simple question that Clara knew she would have to answer eventually, but she had already gone a whole day without having to answer it. She felt a reassuring hand on her back and Clara dared to cast a glance at Herbert before looking back to Benjamin, "Come on angel, let's go for a walk." Clara got to her feet and took her son's hand in hers before walking down the deck.

–

Several hours later, there was a gentle knocking on the door to Clara's room. She got up from her seat beside Benjamin's bed, where the child had cried himself to sleep, and she opened the door.

"Hi Bertie," she whispered.

Herbert glanced at the bed and then to Clara's tear stained face, "I guess he did not take it too well?"

She shook her head and closed the door behind him as he entered, "I told him that his father had gone away and would not be back. Then he asked me if David no longer loved him," Clara buried her face in her hands, "I had to assure him that his daddy would always love him, he just would not be here anymore but in Heaven with God. Then," she shrugged, "He began to cry for a very long time and eventually he fell asleep from exhaustion."

"Well it is going to take some time, but he will be okay," Herbert assured her, "We just have to be patient."

Clara glanced at him and gave a small smile, "I hope you are right."

–

When the Carpathia docked on the night of the 18th, Clara was overwhelmed by the scene on the docks. They were covered in people, reporters, and more. There were cops trying to keep people out of the way of the gangplank so passengers could depart without being swarmed, but that did not stop some of the reporters from jumping directly in the path and taking pictures.

"There are so many people," Hope murmured.

Clara looked at her friend, "I know."

Clara bent down to pick Benjamin up so she could guarantee they would not lose each other again and soon she was descending the gangplank, followed closely by Herbert and her friends. Reporters shouted at Herbert, wanting quotes from one of the surviving officers but instead he just hurried Clara along. It was a long hard trip to the cars but eventually they made it.

"I will catch a taxi and see you in a bit," Herbert told Clara as they reached the car that had been sent from David's employers.

Clara clutched his hand, "I do not want to be separated from you," she whispered.

"I will be right behind you," Herbert said, "Now go on and get in the car."

She stared at him for a moment and Clara wanted nothing more than to kiss him, but she knew that she could not, "See you," she murmured.

Clara climbed into the car and held Benjamin against her. Hope and Naomi sat beside her while their husbands sat on the other seat.

"So Clara," Robert began, "What is with the officer?"

Clara looked at him, "How do you mean?"

"Well it is just that," Naomi started, "It seems a bit odd for a woman widowed to be spending so much time with this man she just met."

Clara sighed, "He has been helping me with my son." She shared a glance with Esther, who was the only one who knew about Clara and Herbert's affair, "He is a good and honorable man."

"We are just worried, Clara," Hope said, "The last thing we would want is for someone to question your honor."

Clara sighed, "I could care less."

"Really?" Naomi asked, "What about your son?"

"What about him?"

"He deserves to grow up in a honorable home and knowing his place in the world as David Moore's son."

"Well that does not matter to him, he is not old enough for this backwards society we live in to affect him," she sighed, "I spent my entire life thinking all I would do is love a man and have his children and I never expected to be loved back. I do not want Benjamin to grow up and be like his father," she held up her hand to silence anyone from harassing her, "I know it is wrong to speak ill of the dead, but the last night I saw him was the kindest he had been to me since we married. I do not want Benjamin to grow up and think it is okay to be emotionally abusive to women. You all lucked out that you love each other. But everyone does not get to marry for love."

A silence fell upon the car and everyone remained silent on the way to the hotel. When they were welcomed into the lobby, Clara was immediately taken up to her suite. The room was huge with a living room and three rooms attached to the suite. It seemed like a miniature apartment and Clara finally felt at home.

"I am so proud of you ma'am," Esther said quietly.

Clara turned to look at her, "Sorry?"

"I know it is not my place but," Esther shrugged, "I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and defending your heart and Benjamin above all others."

Clara's heart softened at the kind words, "Thank you Esther."

"You are very welcome ma'am, I desire nothing more than to see you and young master Benjamin loved and cared for and I do believe Herbert will be the one to do that."

"It is going to be a long road, Esther," Clara began, "I am glad I will have you by my side during it."

"It was a load of nonsense, truly a waste of time."

Clara looked up from the plate of food before her, (that she did not have much of an appetite for in the first place,) to Herbert who had been telling her about the trial for the last hour since he had returned to the hotel. "What were they asking?"

Herbert laughed, "Oh you could tell Smith knows nothing about sailing, let alone manning a ship. He would ask stupid questions about the water that the ship sailed in during the trials, how big the body of water was, what kind of weather before hand," he shrugged, "I guess he thinks the ship must have been faulty and that is all that could make sense. It was just a massive waste of time."

"I am sorry," Clara offered, "I have stayed in all day," she shrugged, "When the maids brought up some dinner for Benjamin and I, I overheard them whispering about the Titanic. Esther had to shoo them out."

Herbert sighed, "I wish I could just stay here with you."

"I am going to have to fave the real world eventually," Clara shrugged, "I need to go shopping in the morning. Benjamin, Esther, and I need new clothes."

"Tomorrow is my testimony," Herbert shook his head, "More mundane questions."

"I would come with you if I thought I could handle it," Clara said truthfully, "I read they are sending out a ship to recover bodies. I am, frightened at best."

"Frightened?"

She shrugged, "I am scared they will find David and I am scared they will not find David." Clara buried her face in her hands, "Bertie I keep seeing his face and I do not think I can bear to see what Titanic did to him."

Herbert came around the table and bent down on his knees so he was level with the seated Clara. Gently he took her soft hands into his and looked at her, "It is okay to feel that way."

Clara stared at him, her large brown eyes devouring the man before her, "I do not wish for you to be cross at me for still having these feelings about my abusive dead husband."

He simply smiled at her and his rough, callused thumb came up and brushed a stray tear away, "I can never compete with him because despite all of the bad, he did give you the most incredible little boy in the world."

She smiled and leaned into the grip his hand now had on her face, "Thank you."

Herbert leaned in and kissed her sweetly on the tip of her nose and smiled, "Everything is going to be okay, just keep reminding yourself of that."

Clara nodded, "Alright."

They were about to share another embrace when there was a knock on the door. "Who on earth could that be?" Clara asked.

Herbert helped her to her feet and then he quietly went into the bedroom, with the door all but cracked so no one would know he was there. Clara eyed the bedroom door warily before walking to the door of the suite and opening it. On the other side stood a bell boy, "Ma'am, I have these telegrams for you from England," he offered.

Clara took them, "Okay, thank you."

"Also ma'am, a young lady asked to see you. I know you said no visitors, but she insisted," the boy continued.

Clara frowned, "Who is it?"

The woman stepped out from behind the bellboy, "Hello Clara, it is so nice to finally meet you."

The telegrams fell from Clara's hands; it was David's mistress.

Xxx

A/N- Dun dun dun! Anyway...review. Today is my last day out of a 10 day work week...Thank Jesus. Then I have the next two days off. Love you guys. Xo