Chapter 19
In the Mourning
Clara's last week in New York flew by, far too fast for her to be entirely comfortable. In the week that had passed she stayed inside of her hotel as much as possible. Esther would take Benjamin out for walks, but for Clara the atmosphere that surrounded the hotel and the nearby Waldorf Astoria was too much for her to handle. Day in and day out there was a constant barrage of reporters camped outside of the hotels, the papers were desperate for interviews and who better to interview than the grieving masses of First Class passengers who had survived. The numbers of survivors verses the numbers who died was overwhelming, with each day that passed the papers were reporting more concrete numbers. Roughly two hundred of the seven hundred people who survived the disaster were first class passengers alone, compared to the one hundred and seventy two third class passengers, answers were being demanded of both the surviving staff and the first class passengers. In truth, Clara never cared for Bruce Ismay the few times they met on the ship, but his face was being plastered on every newspaper for his cowardice in escaping the ship, and as she thought on of her own child no longer having his father, or the other children who did not have parents now, she shared the sentiments of the mass public that Ismay was at fault for everything, and he was a coward.
The morning of her departure Clara stayed in bed as long as possible. She watched Herbert's form move around in the dark room as he searched for his clothing and then he disappeared into the adjoining bathroom to dress. A few minutes passed and he reappeared, a small comb in his hand as he brushed his mustache, "Darling, the ship leaves at noon, you really should get out of bed and prepare yourself," he told her in a quiet voice.
Clara grimaced at the thought, "The mere idea of being on the ocean again makes me sick."
Herbert sat down on the side of the bed beside her and gently brushed her stay hair out of her face, "I know love, however I worry more about your parents reaction to you not being home in a few days."
His hand moved down to cup her cheek and Clara lifted her own hand to place it on top of his, "I cannot live through another disaster," Clara's voice broke as the words came out and she closed her eyes to avoid letting tears fall in front of Herbert.
"There will not be another one, all any of the officers or staff are saying, even the papers, is that this will likely be the last major event like this. Since the sinking there has already been mass orders around the world to ensure enough life boats are readily available for all passengers on any given ship," he explained quietly.
"I am still so very-" Right at that moment the bedroom door flew open and Benjamin came running in, "Mummy!" Benjamin squealed, "Esther says we are going home today!"
Clara sat upright in the bed and looked at her son, "Yes my darling, we are to board another ship and return home to England. We shall be in London in a few short days," she said, forcing a smile for her son's sake.
"Herbert, we are going home!" Benjamin said, looking at the man beside his mother.
"Yes lad you are going home!" He stood from the bed and came around to where Benjamin was standing, and picked him up, "Are you looking forward to it?"
Benjamin nodded his head, "I miss all of my toys!"
Herbert smiled, "Well you shall see them again soon."
"Are you coming with us?" Benjamin asked next.
Herbert shook his head, "No, I shall be coming to England a little while after you."
Benjamin's joyful smile fell and it was replaced with a frown, "How come?"
"I have some work I have to do in America first before I can return to England," Herbert explained.
Benjamin heaved a large sigh, "But I want you to come with us!"
"I know, I am truly sorry lad," Herbert hugged the child, "However the time will fly and you shall see me again soon."
At this point Clara finally forced herself to leave the bed, she put her legs over the side and stood up slowly. She walked to the wardrobe in the corner and grabbed the silk and lace robe that was hanging on the door, and she carefully put her arms through the sleeves. She examined the large white lace that was around the cuffs and then tied the robe tightly around her waist, "Well I suppose we shall eat breakfast and then prepare to leave."
Herbert nodded and set Benjamin down, "Take your seat at the table," he told him.
Benjamin nodded his head and took off for the dining area in the hotel room.
Breakfast was a rather quiet affair that morning, and the extent of the noises in the room came from Esther rushing about preparing their things. Benjamin smiled happily at his mother and she would always return the smile back, but then she would return her gaze to her plate. As Herbert sat across from her, he took the opportunity to study as much of Clara's face and features as he could. If this were to be the last time for several weeks that he was going to see her, Herbert wanted to remember every detail of Clara that he could. He was always amazed at the way the sun light would stream through the window and cast a glow around Clara's hair every morning, resulting in her looking to be quite angelic. Her brown hair betrayed shades of red when the sun shone on her like this, and in that same regard he could then see the red in Benjamin's hair. Her skin also became closer to an ivory color in the sun light, and he loved how delicate that made her look, even if there was nothing delicate about this woman. Then there were the cultural differences between himself and Clara, and all too often he noticed those when they were dining. Herbert had grown up with a widowed mother who happened to also be a farmer. Mrs. Pittman raised her children to be hard workers and polite as can be, but his idea of social skills and Clara's were vastly different and that was evident at the table. In the short time they had been living in the hotel together, Esther had learned to set Herbert's place with a simple knife, fork, and spoon-but Clara and Benjamin's always had a full setting of forks and spoons, which as Herbert observed were used for various different things. When he really put his mind to it, Herbert would tease Clara about all of the forks and spoons, however this particular morning, he was content to watch the woman he loved in silence, and so he did.
Finally, the time came for the Moore family and Herbert to depart the room for one last time. Herbert had a small case of things as he had been storing a trunk with Lowe and Lightoller so as to avoid suspicion. He desperately wanted to go to the docks with Clara, instead he was heading to the trials. As a result, Clara sent Benjamin and Esther along to the waiting car downstairs so that she and Herbert could have their goodbye. When Esther and Benjamin were gone from view, Clara threw herself into Herbert's arms and began to sob.
"Oh Bertie, I do not wish to go. I wish to stay with you," she lamented.
"Oh Clara," he said and his own voice was thick with emotion, "I know, I would give anything for you to stay with me."
"I am so frightened," she sobbed.
"It will be okay darling, I promise," Herbert pulled her face away from his chest to look at her, "I will be back in England soon enough and already so many extra safety precautions are being taken by the ship lines. I feel absolutely sure that you will be okay. Before you know it, I will be sailing back to England. We will be in London for a few weeks because of those trials, so we will be able to see each other," Herbert said.
"It will be harder though, people will recognize me and I have to go into mourning wear," she shook her head, "My father in law said that David's body was recovered and they are paying for it to get to England. It will likely be there before I will," she shook her head again, "I just do not think I can do this alone."
"You will not be alone. Send me wireless messages every day and the minute I get to England, I will find a discreet way to contact you, alright?"
Clara nodded, "Yes, okay."
He pressed his lips to her forehead, "Now go, before they leave without you."
Clara looked up at him and brought his face to hers and within seconds their lips were fused together. They held onto each other for dear life, as if something might come up then and there, and sweep them both away from each other. When they finally broke for air, Herbert simply smiled and said, "I love you."
"I love you too, Bertie," Clara said.
Herbert gently kissed her gloved hand and then watched her go as Clara headed for the elevator to go downstairs. He rushed to the hallway window and counted the time, waiting. He saw Benjamin and Esther standing outside of a large black car and then Clara's large black hat appeared on the pavement and he watched as she was helped into the vehicle. Benjamin and Esther were loaded into the car, and then it drove away into the New York City traffic, heading towards the docks.
–
The trip home had been one of the longest times of Clara's life and when Esther came into their room, to tell them that they were approaching Southampton, she thought she would weep, purely so she could be home in England but also so she could finally be back on land. The ship docked, luggage was unpacked and when Clara stepped onto the gangplank, she saw her parents, in-laws, and a few members of their household staff, waiting for them.
Tears streamed down her face as she was escorted down the gangplank and by the time her foot hit solid ground, her father was standing there, waiting for his only child.
"Oh hello daddy," Clara greeted.
"My sweet girl," he murmured, "I was so worried for you."
"I just cannot believe I am home," she shook her head and looked at him, "Oh I missed you."
Her father placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and then released her into the arms of her mother. Benjamin had found his way into his father's mother's arms, and it was clear that the older Mrs. Moore was not planning on letting go of the child anytime soon.
"You look tired my darling," Clara's mother fussed.
"I am tired," she shrugged, "I hardly slept the entire trip home."
"We should get you back to London," Mr. Moore commented, "It will do you some good to be in your home."
Clara looked at her father in law and then back to her parents, "Mother," she began, timidly, "May I stay in my old bedroom tonight?"
"Well I see no reason why you cannot," her father said, before anyone could speak.
"Your house has been prepared for you!" Mrs. Moore protested, "They are waiting for your return."
Clara sighed, "Forgive me, but I just cannot go into that home right now. The home that David and I picked out and furnished together because everywhere I look, I shall be reminded of him and I need at least one peaceful night of sleep where I will not have nightmares about my dead husband."
Mr. and Mrs. Moore gave shocked noises, however before they could say anything more, Clara's father spoke, "I think that settles it. Clara, Benjamin, and Esther shall come to our home tonight."
"Thank you father," Clara whispered.
They all piled back into their cars, respectively, and Benjamin sat on his mother's lap, the entire ride back to London.
–
When Clara walked into her childhood bedroom, it was exactly the same as she had remembered it. Her brass framed bed was still in the corner, right by the window where she had liked it because she was able to see right down onto the city street. Her long red velvet drapes still hung from the windows and they were still being cleaned, despite the room not being used since the night before her wedding. In fact, Clara noticed as she sat down on the bed, the room had just recently been cleaned and she wondered if the maids had continued to clean it on a regular basis since she left home.
"Clara darling?"
Clara turned her head to see her mother in the doorway, "Supper is ready."
"Mother, I am not very hungry," Clara said quietly.
"I did not ask if you were hungry," her mother said, a stern note to her voice, "You are not going to wither away, not under my roof."
Clara buried her face in her hands, "Mother it is so hard," her voice was thick with emotion.
The bed dipped down beside Clara as her mother sat down beside her and she felt comforting arms wrap around her, "I know child, I truly do."
Clara looked up at her mother, who quickly brushed loose strands of brown curls out of her child's face, "I lost my first boy about two years into my marriage to your father," her mother began, "And I have never talked about it because the loss left me completely devastated." Her mother paused and then continued, "And when you had to suffer the same thing, not just once but multiple times, I feared for your mental and emotional health. Then Benjamin came along and everything was perfect, which is how I felt when I had you. You have suffered more loses than anyone at your age should ever have to suffer. But, we are women and we are British. We are expected to remain strong and to carry on, it is just what we do."
"Mother," Clara said, quietly, "David was having an affair, at least since I was pregnant with Benjamin," she sighed, "And the woman had the nerve to come to my hotel room and inform me that she is carrying his child." There was a long tense silence and when Clara's mother said nothing, she continued, "I am frightened mother. I am afraid that she will find a way back to England and start calling attention to the matter. I could care less about my own reputation and my name being dragged through mud but-"
"You have been through enough emotional duress, it is the last thing you need right now," her mother paused and then said, "If this woman comes to us, we will deal with it when the matter arises," her mother patted her hand, "Now child, I will not say it again. Come eat and then Muriel will draw a hot bath for you."
Clara got to her feet and followed her mother out of the room and down to the small dining room. Her father was seated at the table with Benjamin in the seat beside him who was happily eating soup.
"Hello mummy," Benjamin smiled.
Clara sat down beside her son, "Hello little love," she pressed a kiss to the child's forehead as her parents kitchen maid, Hannah brought out a bowl of soup for her.
"Thank you Hannah," Clara murmured.
"You are very welcome, ma'am." Hannah gave her a warm smile and moved back to the kitchen with the tray.
The family had a quiet supper with very light conversation because no one wanted to upset Clara. When the meal was finally over and Esther came to take Benjamin to bed, Clara was relieved to finally be on her own for a while. She found a hot bath waiting for her upstairs and the water instantly soothed her skin and calmed her nerves. She had Muriel leave her alone so that she could truly be alone with her thoughts. When Clara finally retired to her room for the evening, she saw her nightgown laid out on the bed for her, and hanging on the wardrobe were her clothes for the next day. The dress was solid black with lace on the skirt and beads embroidered on the bodice. Clara sighed as she stared at the dress, she was expected to be in mourning for two years. Slowly Clara opened the wardrobe doors and saw something about her room had in fact been changed, it was full of black gowns. She could only assume her mother had ordered a full wardrobe of mourning wear for her child, and now Clara would be expected to wear it day in and day out. As Clara prepared for bed that evening, she could have been thinking about any number of things, from her husband's funeral the day after next, to his unborn child somewhere in this world, Herbert was a million miles away from her, but no she was not thinking of him either. Instead, all Clara could think of as she turned the light out and settled into her bed that night was how much she despised the color black.
Xxxx
A/N- Okay to be honest….if any of you readers are still out there, you're probably thinking "What the hell, she's back?" And the honest part of this tangent is, I never thought I'd be back. The last two years have been pretty interesting and the last update I had made was when I was in Colorado….after returning from Colorado I learned my grandmother had passed and it sent me into a pretty dark pit of depression (seeing a counselor now for my depression) and I haven't given a thought to this story since then….The other day however, I was messaged by someone asking if I was going to finish this story. I went through and re-read everything and now like what happened in April two years ago, I've been bitten by the Titanic bug again…so I decided to sit down and finish this story finally. I hope you all read and like this…give me some honest thoughts…So this chapter is dedicated to aloha4life for reminding me about Clara and Herbert's unfinished story.