Since my plans changed and Lou wasn't there to keep me company, Nathan agreed to stay a bit longer during the mornings. He would also pop in for 3 hours late afternoon. I didn't want anybody new around. To my surprise mother haven't argued that. Nathan was great, but wasn't able to fill the gap created by Lou's absence. Today though he has been behaving a bit wearied. He attended to my needs as usual, yet avoided looking at me directly, almost ignoring me. At first I didn't pay much attention to it, lost in thoughts due to revelations that brought Katrina's visit the day before. But then I realised that something was off.
'Will you tell me'? – I asked finally.
'What would you like me to tell you?'
'What's wrong? – I prompted.
It took good few minutes before he answered - 'I saw Lou.'
I smiled to my thoughts. I felt relief that I can finally find out what is happening with Lou, not for long though.
'Will, she didn't look good at all. She must have lost half of her weight. I passed her in the park. It was pouring like hell, so we didn't stop to chat. Although I don't think she would stop if the weather was any better. She was jogging. Lou jogging in the rain, can you imagine? I found it funny at first but then I looked at her face. It's like it was Lou's face, but she wasn't there. Does she know?'
'That I am alive? I don't think so, what's the difference. – he understood , I didn't change my mind, just changed the date. I sighed longingly –' I miss her Nathan, her silly outfits, her stories, .. her being around here, her smile, her smell, her everything. I wanted to see her, but Katrina pleaded with me not to contact her, to let her be.'
'What actually happened in Mauritius? – He was curious now.
' I told her she deserves to live a full life where she is free to do whatever she wants and not one tied to me, to a cripple who can't give her what she truly deserves. She thought she had it all figure it out. She would stop working as carrier for me and took on another job, to keep this normal. As this could ever be normal? She said there are ways for us to be happy physically, she read about it. I honestly wonder how I would manage to make her come. .. by turning on vibrator with my hardly moving finger?' -I sneered but a vision of her naked in bed gave me shivers.
Nathan looked at me in disbelieve - ' So a great chick tells you she wants to be with you no matter what and your answer is sorry darling I prefer to die. I am not questioning your decision on you know what, but man I don't think you handled this one well. '
He was right. I was so focus on me that I haven't realized what this could do to her. I looked at her through my own perspective. She had legs that could carry her wherever she wished, hands that could do whatever she commands them to. She only needed some help with breaking the walls she raised around herself. There were good things happening in her life until I told her ' she is not enough'.
'I guess I turned out to be an utter asshole again.'
'Will, do you have any feelings for her? '
What were my feelings for Clark? She said she loves me. I didn't want her to be miserable with me. It seems tough I have just made her miserable by rejecting her, choosing death over her.
'She was the sun on the dark skies of mine.' – I answered.
'Why would you push her away? I am sure she would make you happy, she defiantly would try the very hardest' – he was trying to convince me
'But I could not make her happy the way I wanted to. Come on Nathan you know better than anyone this is shitty existence'. – I still struggled to admit I was wrong.
'Only till six month ago you didn't have her in your life, and she didn't have you. You already made her happy. Well until you ripped her heart out'. – Nathan finished quietly.
I clenched my teeth. – 'She will get over it.'
'What is it Will? I don't want to be judgemental. Are you afraid that you might have found a reason to live?' – he let these words hang there for a minute.- 'No matter what, I think you need to fix it, before you go.' – I was surprised that the felt so strongly about it, about Lou wellbeing.
'Are you jealous?' - I asked suddenly. Nathan looked at me a bit puzzled.
'I am not sure if jealous is the right word. Not many girls would fall for a guy in your condition and took the effort to make it work. It takes one of a kind. It wasn't the money that attracter her to you.'
'Of course I know that she is one of kind. That's why I included her in my will. If everything went according to plan, now she would be enjoying a much better life style she had till now. And we wouldn't be having this conversation'- it sounded as if I was justifying myself.
'And Lou would have been happy? – he didn't sound convinced. – She isn't though. I am sorry Will. I shouldn't be telling you what to do. It's just the way she looked today. I guess what you are saying, she'll be looked after when you're gone, but that's another 5 weeks or so.