'You know Will this job requires doing a lot of personal things for you. But this? This is a bit too much.' – Nathan did not look amused when trying to help me dress.

'Stop moaning. You said I have to fix this. So just get on with it.' – to be honest although this was my idea, I was not amused myself. I hoped this would be the closest I will ever get to crossdressing.

'There. You look quite idiotic. Is this your way of making her laugh so she can forgive you?'- he wasn't very convinced.

'Sort off. It's an inside joke.' – I answered. –'What are you doing? You are not taking photo of me? – Nathan looked disappointed, but put his phone to his back pocket.

'Fine. You are meeting Lou at 11, correct? We have plenty of time.'

'No let's go now. I don't want to be late. Traffic, parking, the right table. ' I could see Nathan hiding a smile.. - 'It's not like everything goes smoothly when I go out to public places.'- I was explaining myself.

And obviously not everything went smoothly but this time this worked to my favour. I got the entrance I wanted. Her face was priceless when she saw me coming from the opposite direction.

I could see her from the distance just arriving in front of coffee shop. She now turned around to check if I was coming. And then her jaw dropped, followed by a massive smile.

'You are crazy' - she now dissolved into laughter

'Just for you .I wanted to make you laugh. '

'Mission accomplished. Why? How?' - Lou looked at me amazed.

'You gave me this wicked idea. It worked for the best, no?' – I could not help but smiling back at her.

'Undoubtedly. I dare to say though I look better in them. Bumblebee tights are my domain.'

'I will not argue with that'. – I answered thinking how unherself she seemed. She had a tiered look on her face and the dark clothes she was wearing emphasized loss of weight.

'So they apparently serve the best coffee in town here. ' – she said with smile but avoided to look directly at me now.

'Do they ? – I tried to search her eyes. What have I done to you? - I thought.

'Yes, let's stay at these tables outside. What kind of coffee would you like?'

'One that I don't need to drink through a straw.' – I looked at her with a plea in my eyes. I didn't have to say more. She knew that I didn't like begin fed, helped in public and that coffee shouldn't be drunk through a straw.

'Fine, I get the coffees and we can go to the nearby park.'

'I love you ' – I said. That wasn't exactly how I wanted to start. It just came out. Looking at Louisa now I understood how cruel I was. She cared about me, she was ready to share my miserable life and I asked her to watch me die. I could see confusion in her eyes. –' I don't think they sell this type of coffee. I will get you expresso.' – she gave me wink and disappeared into the coffee shop.

It wasn't the best weather to enjoy the outdoors, but still better than the shopping centre. We were at a bench, drinking this extraordinary coffee and clearly struggling with the conversation. – 'This is indeed good coffee especially when served by you. Thank you! It would be strange to ask Nathan to do this for me. Anybody really, Mum, Dad. I know it's a simple thing. Not that they can't help me out with the drink. It's so easy with you, doesn't feel awkward, feels right' - Something wasn't right though. Her mood shifted and now I was talking nonsense just to kill the silence between us.

'So I heard you moved the date. ' – She didn't look at me, when she said it. – 'Why did you move it anyway? Why are we here Will?'

'How do you know?' – I was puzzled.

'My sister called, when I was getting coffee. You are not hard to miss in this outfit. She was wondering what the hell I am doing.' – Lou finally looked at me. –' If I knew, I would not have come. You have hurt me enough. I don't need a top up. - Overflowing tears were about to escape her eyes.

'I changed the date because I couldn't go through with it, without knowing that you are ok. You kind of disappeared for few days. Please don't cry. Look I am I wearing bumblebee tights.. for you. I haven't met you here to make you cry, well only if you are crying from laughter.' – I really didn't want her to be upset. Why was she getting so upset because of me?

'This is what I don't get Will. You made me so happy. You, the whole you the way you are. You were this massive gift that landed on my doorsteps. I needed to come out and unwrap it to find meaning to my life. I never met 'the' you before the accident. To be honest I am not sure if I would like to. And now you are coming dressed like this making me feel that you care…' – smile rise upon her face quickly to disappear again – 'But then nothing really has changed, you have not changed your mind. It's so confusing. If you came to convince me how this is good for me then you are wasting your time. Like I wasted my time trying to change your mind. ' – she turned to me now.

'It is not good for you. I can see this now. – My head spun for a split of second.

'Will, are you ok?' - She touched my forehead – 'You are roasting. Is Nathan somewhere around?' She reached for her phone ready to dial the number.

'Please, we haven't really started yet. Please don't send me away.' - I pleaded with her, but I started to feel now what she could see. Maybe the expresso wasn't a good idea for my irregular blood pressure. – 'Lou I am trying to tell you something important' – it was too late, she was already talking to Nathan, who arrived in speed of light or at least that seemed to me. It turned out he kept close eye on us as he was concern about my wellbeing today. He joked that he didn't suggest cancelling our date because I was too excited to wear the stylish pantyhose, but I could see on his face that he was worried.

Why this woman was so obsessed with keeping me alive? Pointless. I made her cry all the time and I couldn't even apologies without getting sick.

'Please come with us. Nathan will give me whatever meds he needs to keep me alive and we can talk. We need to talk Louisa.' – I couldn't let her go now.

She did come, but it was well into the night before we talked again.