Chapter 21
As promised. I hope you enjoy :)
She couldn't tell him about her plans.
She couldn't.
Yet, she found it was more difficult to refrain from telling him than she'd thought.
She wanted to free those monkeys. She had to. And if she told him about it he would either try to talk her out of it or he'd offer to help, neither of which would do her any good.
She would do it, regardless of the danger and she would not risk his life, regardless of the fact that it might save her.
She just couldn't figure out how to keep him from suspecting anything. It might kill her, after all. It might get her arrested and if it did, he'd know that she'd kept it from him. It would hurt him and she didn't want to hurt him.
If she succeeded, of course he'd also know but at least then, she'd have victory on her side and she might be able to persuade him to forgive her.
She didn't pause to think about when his opinion had become so important. She didn't want him hurt, or angry.
She wanted him safe and happy.
She also knew that that meant she'd have to leave him alone at some point. And that point was coming closer and closer.
Every week, she'd fall into his arms and feel the weight of the world lift from her shoulders. Every week, he'd bring her food jokes and lightness, and offer her rest and love and laughter.
Every week, she pushed out of her mind that he had a girlfriend waiting for him at home. A girlfriend that used to be her best friend. Used to be, because she could no longer consider herself a friend of any kind.
She was, she couldn't deny it or sugar coat it or excuse it, having an affair with her best friend's boyfriend.
There was no excuse.
She loved him, yes. She loved him. Beyond reason. Beyond life or anything in it.
That still was not an excuse. A reason yes, but not an excuse.
There would never be one. She would never be forgiven.
And yet she couldn't stop.
She'd tell herself all these things, she'd feel the self loathing overcome her until it was strong enough to make her want to throw up, to make her want to fly to Glinda, confess to everything and accept her arrest as a result.
But then she'd see him, and the mere sight of him would be enough to have all thoughts flee from her mind.
She was a weakling. A weakling and a liar. And it was killing her.
But if she stopped, if she gave him up...
She didn't want to live beyond that. To see him in his palace life, by Glinda's side and think of everything they'd shared.
She was sure she didn't want to live through that. She would, of course. She would and she'd get used to it again. She'd get used to being alone and she'd remind herself that he was safe and happy and better off away from her. And that would have to be enough.
"Fae?"
His voice was sleepy, his eyes still closed. It wasn't morning yet and wouldn't be for a few more hours. She'd told him her code name. In a moment of weakness, she'd told him of her mission, her part in the Resistance and her name.
She shouldn't have done that but she'd felt miraculously lighter after telling him. The guilt waned and the lightness stayed, the way it did with him around. It stayed even as she left, flew her broom across the sky, sneaked around the city or made her way through woods.
She was in love with him.
Completely in love with him. And it changed her.
It changed everything.
Yet, at the same time...it changed nothing.
She had a job to do, and she would do it.
A/N I have a busy week ahead but I will post the next chapter sometime this week.
Leave me a review, if you have the time?