Nothing has been the same since that day. I can say without hesitation that it was the worst day of my life. I hope that there is never another like it. One good thing came from it, one very good thing that, as wonderful as it is, can never wipe away the fear that something will happen again. It gnaws at me every time they call her out, which is far less than it used to be. She spends most of her days behind a desk now, and her next promotion will move her further upstairs, away from the morgue and the homicide bullpen. She'll try to decline, but in the end, she'll accept. I don't think I'll even have to ask her this time.
She was still in intensive care when we had a screaming match. I initiated it, and there is no excuse for my behavior, although there are mitigating factors. The first person who came through the door to end it was greeted by Jane telling her, in her best cop voice, to "get the fuck outta here." Her eyes came back to mine. "How could you think that?"
"You shot yourself!"
"I shot Marino. My body was in the way."
"Stop that! Stop it. You did something insanely reckless without considering the consequences for a nanosecond."
"If I'd'a done that," Jane answered quietly, serious, "I'd be dead."
Before I can answer, a security guard enters, and Jane orders him out, too. He tells her to keep the noise down and leaves.
And she looks at me again with those dark, dark eyes. "I was very careful to stay away from the really important parts, Maura."
"You scared me," I whispered, and had to look away.
"I scared me," she answered, and one of her scarred hands reached out.
I took it. Strong, beautiful, elegant. Exactly like her. I do not want to live my life without her. I look at our hands together, my right, her left, and think, 'Her wedding band will be wide so there's no mistake she's taken. Platinum so it can stand up to what she does.'
"I won't leave you," she promised me.
"Marry me," I answered, wanting everything with her and unwilling to wait any longer for her to figure it out.
She didn't say anything, just nodded, and again and again until I worried she developed a tremor.
"Is that yes?" I finally asked.
"Yes," she answered in her usual voice, confident, certain.
-30-