Chapter 26
An Engagement Ball.
A Ball. To celebrate this engagement. An engagement he'd never signed up for, never even considered even.
An engagement he'd sworn to Elphaba he'd never wanted. That he'd sworn he would end.
And he would. He wanted to. He really wanted to. He didn't want to marry Glinda.
He loved Elphaba, more than life itself, but even if he hadn't found her in the woods that way, even if she'd never returned to him after that, even if he'd never seen her again...he still would not have wanted to marry Glinda.
He knew that for an absolute fact, could feel it in every bone of his body, could say it with full conviction and without a single doubt.
But that didn't change the fact that, had he not found Elphaba in the woods that day, had in fact never seen her again, then he would have married Glinda.
He would have. In spite of not wanting it, in spite of being in love with Elphaba, in spite of not wanting for himself the life that Glinda had picked out for them, he would have married her.
He knew that too.
And it wasn't solely because he was a coward. It wasn't just because he wouldn't want to hurt Glinda, would never want to hurt her. It was also, simply, because he loved her.
He did really love Glinda.
He stood in the doorway to her room now, where she sat in front of the vanity, applying make-up and smiling at him in the mirror. Her eyes bright and shining, her face flawless. Impeccable. Like him.
But he knew that, like him, she wasn't flawless or impeccable. She was scared, tired and lonely. He had been all those things too. But then he'd seen Elphaba again and it had all become bearable. It had become worth it.
Glinda didn't have that. She didn't have what he had. She didn't love like he did. They loved each other, he knew. Him and Glinda, they loved each other in the exact same way. Glinda didn't love him more than he loved her. For her, it was simply enough. Or had been, until he'd started pulling away. He was convinced that, had Elphaba never crossed his path again, he and Glinda would have been content with each other.
But that hadn't happened, and he knew now it never would. He was grateful for it, would never trade even a minute spent with Elphaba, but a small part of him mourned for the life he would have had with Glinda. Mourned the simplicity it would have given him, the lack of effort he would have had to put in loving Glinda.
But only a very small part, because he knew the lack of effort would have been due to a lack of passion, if not love, and he would never wish that on either himself or Glinda.
But that meant that he stood in the doorway now, staring at the most beautiful woman in the land, knowing he was about to break her heart.
She felt his eyes on her. Knew immediately he was there, because it was a novelty, to have him standing there, watching her. He rarely had before. He'd never come to her quarters while she was getting ready, he'd always met her at the bottom of the stairwell. Lately, he'd had to be pulled out of his office almost by force, dragged by his arm, to leave his quarters and enter the world of the living and the lively.
He didn't enjoy big parties, crowds, small talk. Not anymore. Not since Elphaba.
She didn't mind. She understood. She was just better at faking it. On good days, and there were more and more of those now, she would even fool herself.
But not tonight.
Tonight she couldn't even bring herself to try. She caught his eyes in the mirror reflection, and saw the pain on his face. Heartache like she hadn't seen so clearly, so intensely, in his eyes ever before. But perhaps she hadn't looked closely. She rarely did look close enough. She didn't like what she saw when she did, and she didn't know, never knew, what to do with that. What to do with the lack of passion in his behaviour towards her, the lack of love when he looked at her. There was fondness in his voice, warmth in his eyes and affection in his gestures, yes. But never anything more. And it shouldn't be enough. It wasn't, really. She simply didn't know how to fix it. And then Morrible had suggested a marriage. A surprise engagement.
And she'd known that he wouldn't like it. That he wouldn't want to. But he wouldn't say no, not in public. She suspected Morrible had known that too. And she didn't want to keep waiting for a proposal. A proposal that would likely never come. So, this would have to do. A marriage to a beautiful, good man who cared for her, at least. No, if she was honest, it wasn't enough. And she resented him for it, could feel it in the back of her throat every time she looked at him for too long and saw him ignoring her. Ignoring her wants and needs, looking the other way when she tried to catch his eye. She was angry. She was so angry she feared that at some point she would hate him for it. She could feel it already, sometimes, her stomach in knots because of it, an acid taste in her mouth. He didn't want her, and she wanted to hate him for it. She wanted to not want him. She'd tried imagining it a few times; her telling him how she felt, how she knew that he didn't want her, and that she didn't want him either. She would walk away without looking back, and he would regret it. She would walk out with her head held high, her hair and make-up perfect and untouched. Yes, she'd imagined it. But she knew it would never come to pass. She didn't want it to.
Because as much as she hated him for making her feel like this, this...inadequate, sometimes, the alternative was even worse. Without him, she'd be alone. Completely alone in a world that sometimes threatened to swallow her whole. A world that dreamed of Elphie's death. A world full of people that believed every lie they were told.
And she would never be able to cope. She had never been good at being alone. She'd never had to be. People had always fought to be around her, thronged and queued and fought for her attention.
Everyone, except for Elphaba and Fiyero. She'd lost one. She would not lose the other.
This was her engagement ball.
She would be happy tonight, even if it killed her.
She forced a smile onto her face, took a deep breath and stood up, smoothing down her dress.
"Ready? I fear we have to hurry, I took much too long getting ready, but who would blame me, right? It's such a special night."
She wasn't even really aware of the words coming out of her mouth. She avoided his eyes and pretended not to hear his attempts at telling her something. Instead, she brushed past him, grabbing his arm in passing.
"Glinda.."
She felt his pull but refused to stop. She was in motion and she wouldn't be stopped. She wouldn't lose.
"Come on, dearest. We can't be late to our own engagement party!"
She heard the tingle in her laughter, how real and empty it sounded, and she applauded herself for making it sound so genuine, even as she hated it.
"Glinda."
She didn't turn around until they were at the top of the stairwell, looking down at the crowd. All those people, waiting for them. Expecting them to be the perfect couple.
Not now.
"Glinda, we need to talk."
She looked at him then, because she had no choice. But instead of focusing on what was in his eyes, and on what wasn't, she showed him hers. She didn't fake it, she didn't hide. She was hurt, and tired and angry and he deserved to know all of it.
He swallowed thickly but tried one more time. His voice slightly weaker than before. Hesitant. It was all she needed. It was hope.
"Fiyero. Not right now. Please."
She was begging. She knew she was begging, but hadn't she been doing that for years now?
He nodded then, defeated, his eyes reflecting only guilt now.
No, she would not lose him.
She nodded too and straightened her shoulders. Her hand drifted towards his, but she changed her mind, took his arm instead. Then she lifted her head and smiled brightly at the faces staring up at them. She didn't look at him while they descended the staircase and opened the ball with the first dance. She didn't look at him at all.
Tonight, she would be happy.
He was still engaged.
He was dancing with the women he'd never proposed to and wouldn't marry.
He hadn't told her. He should have, before this ball, this farce. He should have. Why had he backed away?
She'd looked so hurt, so lost. He hadn't wanted to add to that. No tonight, when she should be happy.
Even if wasn't for long. The absurdity of the situation wouldn't quite catch up with him, it seemed.
How could he have not told her? Any pain she'd have felt, they'd both have felt, would have been better than having to tell her later? Having to tell Oz that the wedding was canceled.
He knew all of this was his own stupid fault. He'd stayed in this relationship. And for what?
What had he stayed for?
To end up engaged to a woman he didn't want to marry. And afraid of the woman he was having an affair with disappearing without before he found her.
His life was a mess. He'd mucked it up massively and he had no one to blame but himself.
He knew he would have to fix it. He would have to come clean to Glinda. He would have to get to Elphaba.
He could still change it all now. Not without hurting people, but it could be done.
For a split second he wondered if it had been worth it. Elphaba and him.
Was it worth it?
But the answer nearly spit him in the face. Shame making his cheeks heat up.
Yes. Yes, it was.
It always would be.
So he would.
He could feel it suddenly. Could feel the admiring glances people were throwing this way, and felt the resolve building up. He would end this all, the games, the mask, the lies.
He would tell Glinda tonight. And he would do whatever it took to find Elphaba. Even if it took years. Even if she hid. He'd find her again. He loved her enough to do it all, all over again.
He would. Tonight.
But...he couldn't do it now. Not right now. This was a ball. An engagement ball. His engagement ball. He couldn't just leave Glinda now. Not with everyone here.
Tonight, after this façade ended, the rest of it would end as well.
He bit back a sigh and smiled at the radiant blonde in his arms. He smiled at the people around him and nodded his thanks as his colleagues congratulated him.
And then came the alarm.
As soon as possible!