Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 5

I stumble through the door way of the Galley before slamming it shut behind me. I can barely catch my breath as I panic; it feels like I'm hyperventilating. I breathe deeply and hold it trying to get a grip on myself. My mind races, 'Why would he do that, he doesn't like men. Oh fuck, he didn't see me the other night did he? Is that why he was so angry? If that's the case then why did he suddenly seem gentle with me and kiss me like that? He must be confused, that's all this is. He just feels guilty for hurting me and is confused.'

As I clutch at my pounding head a memory flashes before my mind's eye, a pale sweet face, flitters of a sapphire blue and the ruby red of blood. "NO!" I yell out. Wiping away the tears I didn't even know formed, I head over to the bench under the port hole at the back of the room. I often nap here and have lots of cushions and pillows piled high. I cannot go back out now, I'll sleep here, give him time to clear his head from his foolishness.

The morning comes and with it I feel darkness has settled in my chest. I pushed it down these last years, pushed it far away into myself. In doing so it has left me tired and I don't know if I can keep doing it.

Breakfast is waiting at the table by the time the crew stumbles in, having gone out again for drinks. Once Zoro enters I feel his eyes on me, I look away immediately, I must pretend as though it didn't happen. He has to be feeling awkward, disgusted with himself just like I am.

I keep my answers short when the crew speaks to me. I find my throat feels tight so I can't speak for long. It's hard to keep focus on things as the day goes on, there's a buzzing in my head, whispers of things I've tried to forget.

Sleep escapes me, I'm instead plagued by living nightmares of past. My dearest's face before me, full of life and tenderness, in the blink of an eye they are gone and I'm plunged in a cold darkness that is endless.

I avoid every one as much as possible; it's too much for me to deal with. Even getting up feels like too much, I just want to lie down and never get back up. I want to stop the buzzing, stop the pain, and stop the weight on my chest. It feels like it's been days, hell it probably has since I've spoken to anyone. They have left me alone; I suppose I should be glad of it. Maybe this is them telling me I should just go, they don't need me anyways. Surely Zoro has come to his senses and told the rest of them how fucked up I am. They don't need a sick freak like me on their ship full of normal, good people.

I need an escape.

I take my last two favorite bottles of wine in the middle of the night and go down into the docking area. I settle down on to the floor and take a large swig of the wine. The buzzing is full force now, I can't hardly hear anything else, just "Sparrow, Freak, Sicko, Useless, Just die."

I just want it to stop; I'm so exhausted, so fed up with everything. I don't want to keep hiding myself but I know I must. I don't want to see Zoro with another bar maid throwing herself at him while I pretend not to care or notice. I'm tired of feeling my heart break every time I have to see him laugh and smile with a girl around his neck, knowing I'll never be able to take her place. Knowing I'll never allow myself to, let alone that he would want me to. I'm done with this loneliness, it is endless and I cannot take it anymore.

I finish off my last bottle and toss it to the side. Steading my breathing I remove the blade I have stashed in my shoe and bring it up to my neck. My tears won't stop flowing, I no longer care. I cannot do this for another day, another hour let alone another second.

At the end I just picture him, my darling, my Sparrow. I'll never forget your sweet voice, your gentle pale face, the Sapphire blue of your hair or the warmth of your lips on my own.

I press the sharp side of the blade to my neck and wait for endless nothingness to take me away.

End

A/N: Sorry it's been a while and this is a HUGE cliff hanger. I really wanted this chapter to be about Sanji inside his own head. Oblivious to the world around him, lost in his depression. It is short, but the next one should be longer. This is the chapter I've been looking least forward to writing. I'll try to get the next bit out quick; I have it mostly planned out so it shouldn't be too long. See ya soon!