Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 6

There was something wrong with Sanji. Something I just don't understand, I thought everything was fine the night before. We did kiss but I thought he would be happy about that, since he likes me. But this morning he looked like he had barley slept along with the fact he never did come into the bunk room last night. Everyone else doesn't seem to notice Sanji's odd behavior as they are all trying to get over new hangovers from last night. I try as hard as I can to catch his gaze but he is clearly avoiding it. 'What the hell?'

I look over to Robin and see she seems to be the only other person who notices Sanji's behavior. After breakfast is over Sanji just slowly moves around the room cleaning up like he always does but he's clearly off, he keeps his head lowered and hugs the wall. Just as I make to go over to him Robin grabs my arm to stop me. "We need to talk Zoro, follow me."

Robin settles herself in the library and levels me with a look no one wants directed at them. I shift nervously in my chair, "So what did you want to talk about?" I ask her to break the creepy silence.

Robin doesn't beat around the bush, "You did something to Sanji didn't you?" She pierces me with a gaze so hostile I feel as though I'm being accused of murdering him.

I stutter in my haste to explain, "I didn't do anything bad; I just apologized for slicing into his arm last night while he was in the medical wing." I look up to Robin to see her raise a delicate eye brow at me, prompting me to continue. I sigh, "I also kissed him," Robin looks a lot more shocked then I expected her to look.

Robin all but yells at me, "You idiot, I told you to take it slow, why would you go and kiss him so suddenly?" Robin stands up and starts pacing around the room.

"Look Robin I don't think this is my fault! I just took you're advice and it went really well last night. I was nicer, calmer and he even opened up to me it made me realize quickly I feel the same about him! What's so wrong with wanting to act on that, I don't understand why he's ignoring me!" I rake my hands through my hair in frustration.

Robin walks over to me and lightly smacks my on my shoulder, "Zoro, I think you just got too excited and moved to fast. I think it may have been a mistake to kiss him so soon and so out of nowhere like that. Like I told you in the kitchen last night, I believe he's hiding who he is for a personal reason; it's possible he never wanted you to find out about him. I think it may be best to just give him some time to think about it."

"I guess if that's what you think, I'm sorry if I did move to fast but I just made me happy I guess, to see him talking with me so friendly and to realize I like him. I'll give him a couple days then I want to talk to him about it, do you think that works?" I glance up to robin to see her nod in agreement. "Alright then, I'll keep my distance."

'I'm not sure this is the best idea but if I've made him unhappy to this point then I'll give him space if that's what he needs.' I resolve to keep myself busy training and meditating.

I keep an eye on Sanji as best I can while giving him ample space, by the next morning he doesn't seem better. He almost seems to have a dazed look about him, like he's not even aware of what's going on around him. Nami and Luffy have tried to talk to him but he just shakes his head and says he's fine. They decide its best to give Sanji a break, assuming he's coming down with something. Sanji doesn't even seem fazed by this and that worries me. He would at least be somewhat concerned or apologetic. 'Maybe he really is coming down with something.'

As the day passes I feel like he's slowly becoming shrouded in darkness, shrinking away within himself and I cannot wrap my head around why he would be like this to this extent. Its evening time and I seek out Robin with the rest of the crew in town to ask her about it.

Robin had been watching Sanji just as I had and noticed similar things. He's become reclusive almost, sleeping most of the day and holding his head in his hands when idle. Robin suggests giving him another day then trying to talking to him. I still don't want to keep waiting but I figure robin is better at this kind of stuff then me, so I trust her and resolve to wait another day.

It's the next evening and I've been clawing at the walls inside the crow's nest as I restrain myself to not go and seek out Sanji per Robin's suggestion. I feel something is off, I haven't seen him the entire day even though I've been looking out the windows for him since morning. It's getting dark and I can no longer take it. I grab a lantern and drop down to the main deck. I almost stumble in to Robin who has a concerned look on her face; seems like she was just about to come up to the crow's nest.

"Have you seen Sanji today?" She asks me in a rushed tone

'Fuck I don't like this,' "No I haven't I was just about to go look for him, I feel like something is wrong." I look around the deck and see we are the only ones out here.

"Yes I also feel like somethings not right, I've looked around the main areas of the ship but I can't find him anywhere." Robin looks around the deck as well

We both spot Usopp at the same time coming out of the lower deck area, "Usopp, have you seen Sanji recently?" I ask him as he closes the trap door behind him.

Usopp looks at us both and nods, "Yeah I just saw him a bit ago; he was heading down to the docking area I think. Looked like he was gonna drink, had some wine bottles on him. He also looked worse than I've seen him, are you guys sure we should be keeping our distance?"

I look to robin and she immediately starts off for the docking station, I follow closely behind leaving Usopp asking "Hey, what's going on?"

I feel a cold sweat on my brow and a feeling of dread fills my gut as we sprint to the door of the docking station. I can barely hear it but I can just make out the sounds of whimpering and crying as we get close to the door. Without thinking twice I fling the door open to the darkness of the docking station. I hear a gasp and a clatter as my eyes adjust to the lantern light filling the room.

My face pales as I see Sanji sitting against the wall to the right looking terrified. I about drop my lantern as I see a small blade on the floor and a thin line of blood along the pale column of his throat. I push the lantern into Robin's hands and dart forwards to Sanji.

I get to him and he flinches away as though he thought I would strike him. I try to calm down and slowly lower myself to his level; I palm the knife and shove it away. Sanji looks terrible, he's been crying for hours by the looks of it and he's also a bit drunk judging by the two wine bottles empty at his sides.

I can think of nothing else to do but grab a hold of him and hug him tightly to my chest, I pet his head until he relaxes in my grip. I can feel dampness on my chest so I assume he's crying again. "Shhhh, Sanji its ok now." I try my best to comfort him, and ignore the terrifying fact that he just tried to kill himself. 'Was this my fault; did my kissing him to soon let alone at all, cause him so much unhappiness that he couldn't take it?' I feel ashamed and sad that I could have done this to Sanji.

'Oh my god, what was I thinking!? How could I try to kill myself like this?' I sob on to Zoro's chest and feel him tighten his hold on me; I grip on to him for dear life as I cry out my shame and embarrassment at trying to end my life while my Nakama are worried about me. 'They have been trying to talk to me, keeping an eye on me. Otherwise how would they have known I was down here?'

"I'm so sorry," My voice cracks from being unused for days as I feel overwhelmed with the emotions I've been holding down for so long. I twitch as I feel someone start patting my back, I pull away slightly to see Robin crouching beside me.

She hands me a tissue as I pull all the way back from Zoro's warm embrace. As I wipe at my face I feel something gently press against my neck and I wince at the stinging feeling. I glance over to see Zoro using his green bandana to dab at my neck with a determined look on his face.

My head is pretty clear albeit a little blurry from the wine. I feel better than I have in weeks, days even. I still feel like I'm sick for liking men, I still feel guilty about my Darling and I have no idea what to do.

I feel my chin grasped and I'm jolted out of my daze to find myself looking directly into Zoro's green eye. "Sanji, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but if this is my fault then I'm so sorry for it. I didn't mean to scare you when I kissed you, I shouldn't have done it so suddenly, please forgive me?" Zoro looks slightly anguished as he pleads to me to forgive him. However he's done nothing wrong, he's normal, I'm the one who's ruined him. He can still go back; he can still take his pleasure from women, where I am a lost cause on this.

"It's not your fault Zoro, its mine, I have a feeling you saw me the other night when I thought I was alone in the Galley right?" I confirm as much when Zoro's face turns as red as a tomato.

"You saw something sick and wrong, twisted, it's left you confused and that's all this was. You're not like me Zoro, your normal." I take a deep breath, "I'm gay, and I always have been ever since I can remember. I've never looked at women with lustfulness, it's always been men my eye catches." I look at them both and find neither of them looks very shocked, surely they have figured it out then before this.

Robin speaks up next, "Sanji, did you try to kill yourself because of this?" she gently strokes my upper arm in a comforting manner.

I sigh and relax back against the wall, "Not exactly no, it's more of a buildup of things and this tipped me over the edge I guess. I've no one to talk to so it's just been building up over the years."

Zoro edges closer, "Sanji, do you want to talk about it? We won't judge you, and for the record I don't think you're sick or twisted but we will save that talk for later."

"I'll tell you then, tell you how I killed my Darling, my Sparrow." They both settle down, ready to listen to what I have to say.

To be continued