A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who has commented both here and on Twitter. I checked my stats and am in awe of the massive numbers who have read this story, it's amazing!

Cuddy sat there stunned after having read House's letter three times. A torrid flood of emotions wracked her brain and her body was wrought with tears. Never in all the years she'd known him had House poured forth such honesty from the heart. She thought to herself, dammit House why didn't you talk to me like this when we were together?

It had taken her months to go through the stages of grief after what happened and she'd finally dealt with it and moved on. As she moved through those stages, Cuddy had been angry at House for so many reasons; for not having opened himself up to her when they were together, for being so dependent on her for his sobriety, for relapsing, ruining their friendship, lashing out at her like he did after the breakup and ultimately the final act which forced her and Rachel to uproot their lives and move away from Princeton. Once time had passed and she had let go of her anger, she'd come to accept her part in what happened. She'd had much sadness and regret-for so many things they both could have done that might have saved them the pain they endured.

So much pain.

She knew that his pain had resulted in a self-destructive nature but he was never the kind of person to intentionally harm others which is why it completely stunned her that he had crashed his car into her house. It was so completely out of character and in the twenty-some years she'd known him it would've never been something she thought he'd be capable of. House had never been a violent man, in fact while he could watch violence on television and in films, when it came to real life, he was different. He had no tolerance for it. In the clinic over the years he'd witnessed cases of abuse and reported it immediately and then brooded about it for days. And so when her anger and shock had subsided she'd she'd often wondered what triggered it. She knew it had to be something more than anger. She had often attributed the Vicodin and the stress of his his pent-up emotional pain. House had been a dam waiting to burst and nobody ever saw it coming.

Cuddy pondered that thought as she got up from the couch to stretch her legs and moved into the kitchen to make another cup of tea. As she waited for the water to boil, she looked out her kitchen window and tapped her fingers on the counter. She thought about the events that took place between the night of the breakup and the day House ran his car into her home. He had lashed out at every opportunity. She had seen the signs of an impending crisis but had chosen to ignore them, refusing to talk to him even when Wilson and even Foreman had begged her. She told them it was best if she and House spoke only on matters related to hospital business. What she was doing however was purely self-preservation. She knew if she dealt with House head-on, the full impact of her decision to break up with him would hit her and she feared falling apart. She'd broken down nearly every night since the breakup and watching him self-destruct made it worse for it made her realize just how much it had impacted them both. But Cuddy had always been tough and she had Rachel to worry about and she could not let her carefully managed life fall apart.

She laughed out loud at the thought of that so-called carefully managed life of hers. Her mother had on more than one occasion accused her of being a consummate perfectionist and unwilling to compromise. She'd laughed her mother off and told her it was silly. But now she wondered if her mother was right. She cringed at the thought. Arlene Cuddy had shocked her daughter the morning after the birthday dinner when she gave her daughter her thoughts about their relationship. Cuddy recalled the conversation.

"Lisa, you know I love you right?"

Oh God, she thought. Here it comes. "Yeah mom, I know."

"Good because what I'm about to tell you won't piss you off too much. I can't believe I'm saying this but I like Greg. He's one of the most narcissistic, arrogant asses I've ever met and yet I actually like the SOB because he's perfect for you."

Cuddy, who had been attempting to get Rachel to eat her breakfast, tried not to look at her mother. "So what are you saying mom?"

"What? You didn't hear me? Are you not listening?"

"I'm listening."

"Good. I can't believe I'm actually saying this but I think Greg is good for you. You needed someone to come in and complicate your perfect little happy life."

"What?"

"Oh cut the crap Lisa. I'm your mother, I know you. You've always dreamed of the perfect life, the perfect husband, children, and job. You wanted it all and you got it, at least some of it. You've never been able to find a man who was your equal in every way. You've never been able to find a man who energized you or challenged you. You think I don't remember how you used to talk about him when you'd come home on break from college? Greg House this and Greg House that. Good grief, your father and I were wondering when you two would finally get it together but you never did."

"Mom—"Cuddy attempted to interject but her mother would have none of it.

"—No. Let your mother finish dear." With that Arlene grabbed her daughter's hand across the table; finally forcing her to look at her while she talked. "Lisa, stop and look at me for a minute will you?"

Cuddy put down the spoon in her hand and glared at her mother as she continued.

"Greg is an unusual man. Good grief he's complicated, a little crazy, unethical, and certainly not the kind of man you'd expect your daughter to bring home. But he's also brilliant, funny and sensitive. Yeah he's sensitive and before you cringe let me tell you why I think that. He's afraid to let himself go because he doesn't want to get hurt. I sense it in him because I've sensed it before, in you. I don't know what makes either of you like that but it is what it is. All I know is that you both have issues, you're fucked up and you're good for each other. "

"Mom, not around Rachel!"

"Oh honey she doesn't even know what we're talking about. Look, you two fit together, I don't know how or why, you just do. I want you to be happy. I've seen that look on your face when you're around him and I've never seen it on you with any other man. He makes you happy."

"He does…at times. Other times he drives me crazy."

"Oh hell Lisa, your father drove me nuts at times and yet I loved him anyway. When you love someone you just put up with their crap. With your father, I gave it back to him, just like you do with Greg."

Cuddy chuckled for a moment when she recalled when House told her Arlene had paid him a visit and warned him in no uncertain terms that he better not hurt her or else certain parts of his anatomy would suffer dearly. She smiled at the thought of her mother being so protective of her. She tilted her head back, closed her eyes and sighed. What a fucking mess. She thought about the peace and tranquility she'd craved in her life and how House used to throw her world into turmoil and create such chaos. Despite that, she'd never felt more alive than when she was with him. How could that be? That wasn't who she was.

Or was it?

Cuddy had attempted to define her relationship with House as she always needed to determine exactly how the pieces of her life fit together. Everything had to have a proper role and fit into a proper place, with no loose ends or straggling pieces that didn't fit. With House, that hadn't been easy. The twenty plus years relationship they shared did not fit into any neat little category, it could not be named or defined. It was unlike any other relationship she'd ever had and at the same time it was the best relationship she'd ever had. Sure she yelled at House on a daily basis and he drove her up a fucking wall but as much as he drove her crazy like that, she also loved him for it. It was as if he knew just when she needed her buttons pushed to get her going. The two of them thrived on conflict. It sounded insane but it was them.

She prepared her tea and resumed her seat on the couch. She picked up the letter and re-read it.

Not a day goes by when I don't ponder what might've been. Sadly, we went into our relationship with blinders on. We believed it could work despite the fact we both had so much baggage. We just ignored the baggage hoping it wouldn't become an issue but ignoring it just made it worse. We were so scared of being hurt that we didn't go all in. If we had, maybe we could've made it work. There's a reason we avoided a relationship for so long, we both knew what was at stake. We knew and yet we ignored it and look what happened. If only we'd known the kind of pain we would've inflicted on one another and that it would've ended the way it did...

Oh House, she thought. You have no idea how much I prayed that it would work. Cuddy thought about his words and knew he was right. They had put on blinders. They were both afraid to talk about their issues because whenever they talked they always managed to ruin the moment. They just wanted to enjoy what they had for as long as they could before it exploded in their faces. When they got together she really hadn't wanted him to change but secretly she'd hoped he would want to change. But until now she never put much thought into the idea that maybe he had hoped she would want to change too. She had always believed the reason they didn't get into a relationship years earlier was because of him and that once they got together it would surely end because of him. The truth was hard to deal with, that they were in fact, both responsible for the relationship falling apart. All of the thoughts brought to the surface by House's letter began to confuse Cuddy. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel. It seemed everything had been fine and now she was forced to deal with him, or rather them, once again.

I should have been there to help calm your fears but I was too afraid. I was scared to death that I was going to lose you. I hid from it all, hoping not to feel anything because if I felt it, it would hurt and I couldn't handle that. I couldn't handle the pain. The night before your surgery, I was hiding out at Foreman's apartment. Wilson called and told me the tumors had spread and at that moment I realized you were going to die and it was over. I had to see you but I wanted to numb every feeling I had so I could see you without breaking down. I couldn't face the pain and I didn't want to break down in front of you, I couldn't cry, I couldn't show weakness, I couldn't let my heart be broken by losing you. I couldn't let myself feel what it would be like to lose you, to go through the rest of my life without you.

I know, House, she thought to herself. I never should have broken up with you in that state of mind. You gave up your sobriety for me. You made a huge sacrifice I never even took into consideration.

She read on.

I ask myself how I became that man who ran his car into your house. The man you have known and loved half your life was not capable of what I did to you that day and yet I did it. I am so sorry for what I did to you, for how much pain I caused you. I only hope you've been able to move on to the life you deserve and that you and Rachel are happy. I put you through an awful lot of pain over the years, especially after we broke up. I was an arrogant, selfish son of a bitch and there was no excuse. I can only hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Cuddy pondered his words. She had moved on but she'd never really been happy. She'd made Rachel the focus of her life, doing everything she could to ensure her daughter had the best childhood. Rachel's happiness was the only one that really mattered to her.

I sat there night after night in that tourist trap alone and getting drunk and high every day, feeling sorry for myself. Then one night I dreamed about you and Rachel. She crawled into my lap and I read her a story just like that night at your house when Rachel had first done that. In that dream, it just felt right. When I woke up I knew what I had to do and so I came home. I had to accept the consequences for my actions. Nobody was going to save me and I didn't want them to. I wanted a quick sentence with no trial because you didn't deserve having your personal life thrown out there for the whole world to see. I called my lawyer, the one who defended me against Tritter, and I told him to take the first deal offered. Despite my request he still managed a plea deal.

Prison.

That thought made her shiver. House had been in prison. That still didn't seem real that the man she knew and loved for more than half her life had gone to prison for something he'd done to her.

Cuddy knew what had happened after House had returned to New Jersey. The prosecutor had called her and then she had called Wilson. She'd been told House surrendered himself two weeks after leaving Jersey and that despite his insistence to his attorney that he that he accept the first offer, without any plea deals, his lawyer believed there were extenuating circumstances and successfully convinced the prosecutor that given House's state of mind and lack of premeditated intent, the charges should be reduced from attempted aggravated assault to simple assault for which the maximum penalty in prison was eighteen months, of which he had been sentenced to no more than twelve.

Wilson had told her he was granted parole at eight months for good behavior but an incident in the prison hospital, in which House intervened to save a patient, got him another eight, though the warden and the parole board had decided to let him out after just two more months and a total of ten months served. When he got out, he finished up the remaining six months on parole successfully and without incident, after which he was a free man. According to Wilson, House had apparently done a good job staying out of trouble. She laughed to herself at the thought that House could behaving himself long enough to finish out his parole.

Cuddy sighed deeply. She couldn't believe that two years had passed since the incident and three since they had become a couple. She thought to herself, we could have been together three years already. Her eyes filled with tears once again.

Cuddy looked down and noticed her tears had stained the letter. She quickly grabbed a tissue and blotted the paper. She wanted to keep the letter, it meant a great deal to her. He had bared his soul to her and she wondered for a moment if she should reply. A reply would open all the wounds again, though it appeared from his letter as if House was making the effort to heal not only himself but her as well. She thought she had healed but she soon realized after reading his letter how much she missed his presence in her life. She sat back and sipped her tea and thought about it very carefully. Writing a letter to House would be treading on dangerous ground.

"Damnit, he wrote what he was feeling, why shouldn't I tell him how I feel?" She asked aloud.

Picking up the phone, she dialed a number.

"Hello?"

"Hi Sharon."

"Lisa! I'm so happy to finally hear from you. It's late, are you okay?"

"Yeah, we got back this evening, Rachel is passed out cold and I've been sitting here relaxing. I wondered if you and Hannah want to meet us for breakfast tomorrow, then we can head over to the park for a bit?"

"That'd be great. Hannah has to be at a recital later in the afternoon but we're good in the morning. Meet you at your place?"

"How about eight?"

"Fine Lisa, see you then."

"Bye Sharon."

Cuddy hung up the phone, happy to have talked to her good friend again. She needed to talk about the past week's events with someone and Sharon was such a great listener. She thought about calling Wilson but it was late and she wanted to make him sweat it out. She had a feeling he'd be worried she would be mad at him for helping House get that letter to her. They would deal with that later.

After checking on Rachel, who was indeed sleeping soundly, Cuddy went back into the living room once again making herself comfy on the couch. Not having had the opportunity to confront House regarding his actions which devastated her life, because he'd run away like a coward, she decided now was the time. He had opened up that door and there was no going back. Now it was her turn to let him know exactly how she felt about everything he'd done and then some. As she grabbed a pad of paper and a pen from the coffee table, she thought if House could write a letter, she could too.

BTW I did my research on New Jersey criminal law and sought the assistance of my attorney friend in Jersey. For me, details are important. Hope you liked this chapter and please leave a comment. More soon, I promise!