A/N: I spent a lot of time thinking this through and I hope it's worthy. Thank you to the lovely and talented allthingsdecent for taking a first look and making some suggestions. Also big thanks to GratefulInsomniac, a terrific writer, who sat there patiently reading my messages to her about how nervous I was posting this chapter!

It was around eight o'clock when Rachel settled down to sleep. It wasn't hard to get her to sleep early on weekends if Cuddy kept her busy during the day. Her play date with Hannah at the park combined with helping her mother around the house afterwards tired her out. Cuddy enjoyed letting Rachel help her with little things like drying dishes, dusting, sweeping and taking out the trash. Rachel always seemed eager to help and Cuddy thought it was good to teach her responsibility at an early age, which was already showing because Rachel had always been a respectful child, taking care of her own toys and showing respect for the property of others. Once Rachel had gone to sleep, Cuddy showered, changed into loose fitting sweat pants, a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of warm socks. Instead of wine, she chose a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows. Ever since she was a child, she loved marshmallows in her hot chocolate. She chuckled to herself wondering what her mother would think if she knew her grown daughter still required marshmallows in her cocoa. All she wanted to do now was relax and work on her letter to House.

House. She couldn't get her mind off of him. Ever since that discussion in the park with Sharon, he was all she could think about. While Sharon had introduced her to a few guys she knew when she'd first moved there, she hadn't found them interesting. Cuddy knew she could be intimidating because she had a strong personality, high expectations and she was picky about men.

Picky about men and yet I was in love with House?

House was different, no one else compared. He made her feel excited and energized and he pushed her to the limit. She had thrived on conflict with him and he knew it which is why he enjoyed antagonizing her. No man had ever made her feel the way he did. The way he looked at her, held her, made love to her, was like nothing she'd ever experienced. With a sigh, she picked up the pad of paper and pen and began writing. She knew she would not be able to get all her feelings out in one letter, but this was a start.

Dear House,

Thank you for the letter, it means a lot to me that you put so much into it. I know how difficult it has always been for you to talk about your feelings.

Given that it's been two years, I've had enough time to put things in perspective. I've done a lot of thinking and came to some realizations. When you drove your car into my house, I do not think you were trying to hurt me but your behavior that day was the culmination of all the stupid self-destructive actions you engaged in after our breakup. You've kept so much shit bottled inside of you for years, so much pain and misery, that it was bound to come out sooner or later. After we broke up, it was one thing after another and you just kept piling on the shit until you eventually cracked. You were like a ticking time bomb. In all honesty, Wilson suspected you would implode and he even approached me about it, begging me to talk to you. I was afraid to talk to you about it because seeing you hurt so much made me hurt even more. I was tired of hurting and so I built a wall and hoped it would hold.

When I was in the hospital before my surgery, I was devastated by what might happen and I needed you there. I didn't need Wilson or your team, I needed you. I needed your shoulder to cry on, I needed you to hold my hand, kiss me, and lay in my hospital bed and hold me close because I was scared it might be the last time we would ever do that. I know expecting you to do those things seemed a bit much, but I also needed your honesty too, I needed your raw honesty, your obnoxiousness, your bad jokes and your attitude. I know it sounds insane doesn't it? But it's what I needed at the time. Apparently my subconscious knew you might relapse even before I realized you did. In the days prior to the surgery I had weird dreams and I had no idea what they meant. When I was home recovering, it hit me, and I realized you had indeed taken Vicodin, that's the only way you could be there for me. The night I went to your apartment and broke it off was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It broke my heart but I didn't know what else to do, I had to protect myself and Rachel. Afterwards you lashed out and every little thing you did after the breakup hurt me so much. You were a real son of a bitch House, every time you pulled some stupid stunt, it broke my heart even more. That last day, when we had lunch together in the hospital and I begged you to talk to me, you told me you felt hurt. I know because I hurt too. In the hospital earlier that day you told me you felt hurt. I told you I was sorry and I truly was, for everything that had happened. I wanted to console you because I felt as miserable as you but then you told me it wasn't my fault and then you walked away. I thought that was your way of acknowledging it was time for us both to move on. I didn't want to move on House, but I had no choice.

I realized after reading your letter that seeing Jerry at my house just added to the hurt you already felt and forced you over the edge. House, I am sorry you had to see that. Please understand that I never lied to you, I was not seeing anyone after our breakup. I met Jerry in the coffee shop, he was a friend of Julia's and he asked me out. I had turned him down earlier but because he seemed very nice I invited him over to coffee with my sister and brother in law. That's it, there's nothing more to that. I wasn't interested in a relationship with Jerry. There's no way I could think of another man in that way after having just been with you for almost a year and then after having loved you for so many years. I wish I'd told you that...maybe it would've made a difference.

The night of the incident, the officer who took my statement referred to what you did as domestic violence. Those words made me cringe because it just wasn't the House I've known for so many years. Sure, you had a tendency to lash out verbally at people around you when you were in pain, but when it came to physical destruction you usually did that to yourself not others, and especially not me or Rachel. I was so angry and in shock the night you drove into my house I wanted to kill you myself. I told the police if you showed your face at the hospital I wanted them to throw your ass in jail. I was even more angry at the fact that like you always do when you make a mess, you ran away. You left Wilson and me to pick up the pieces. Your actions forced me to leave my home, my job, everything I loved. Everywhere I turned there were reminders of you and it hurt too much.

House, you asked if I could ever forgive you. I already have. I forgive you. You and I share a long and complicated history. We've seen each other at our best and worst. I would be lying if I said I did not think of you and care about you because I do and you have been on my mind, even more now since I received your letter. Rachel never forgot you, she spoke of you often after we broke up and continued even after we moved. Like me, Rachel never forgot you.

While we're on the subject of forgiveness, I need to ask for yours. You have taken responsibility for your part for what went wrong in our relationship and now it's my turn. You weren't the only coward, I ran too. I knew you were an addict when we got together, I should have been more supportive of your struggles to stay clean. I knew you had trouble opening yourself up and trusting and I should have done more to help you overcome that. I walked away from you at your most vulnerable moment and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not talking to you about what was on my mind. I'm sorry that I didn't give you enough credit for trying when it came to us. You said to me that you could do better. I could have done better too.

Like you, I wonder what might have been but I have to believe everything happens for a reason. We've both made mistakes we wish we hadn't made and we should stop looking back and wishing we had done things differently. Let's stop having those regrets, life is too short.

And speaking of life being too short...I've been thinking about this a lot lately because Julia's husband Michael died recently after suffering a heart attack at work. I know you and Julia didn't always see eye to eye but you know how much she loved him. She and the kids are devastated. I spent a few days up there with them. We talked and I found out things weren't always great between them. They had their share of fights and yet they made it work because they loved each other. Their relationship in some ways reminded me of us. There were times we couldn't stand one another but the love was always there. We talked about you. All this time I thought she hated you but she doesn't...she's just angry at what you did to me and Rachel, how our lives changed after that. It took her a long time to work through her anger at you and what could've happened on that day. Oddly enough, Julia actually supported our relationship and said we were good together. She actually thought you had some redeeming qualities. Jules also pointed out some things to me about myself and you that I never realized before and it has helped me to see things from a clearer perspective. But she warned me...to be careful here. She's not worried you will do anything but she knows our history and how easily it would be for us to hurt one another again.

As you know I'm living in Cambridge now. I'm lecturing at Mass General in the Administrative Fellowship program and on staff in the Endocrine Unit. I rent a brick house with a small yard in a nice quiet neighborhood. Rachel is bright, energetic and curious. She is smart too and at times she can be stubborn and headstrong-much like you though my mother says I was just like that at her age. We go the park nearby quite often and Rachel's favorite thing is the monkey bars. She told me you taught her how to hang on the bars! I had no idea! And while we're at it-you took her for ice cream? Read stories to her? Why didn't you ever tell me?

So here I am I thought that by this point I would have called you every name in the book and told you how much I hate you for ruining my life and yet that has not happened. I'm a little confused at times about how I am supposed to feel towards you but Wilson and my good friend Sharon have helped me realize I shouldn't worry about how others would handle this or what others think. The only thing that matters is what I think and feel and I should do what feels right to me. That's why I'm writing this letter House because I want to, it feels right. The last two years has been hard for both of us. I am glad you are making positive changes by seeing a physical therapist and Nolan too. Both will do you a lot of good. Besides, Nolan doesn't put up with your bullshit.

At the park today, I told Sharon that I thought writing you might give me closure but she said it would not be closure, in fact given our history, I'd be opening that door again. How well she knows us and she's never even met you. You were so honest in your letter I felt it was only right to reciprocate. You told me that you will always love me. House, I've always loved you and I will always love you. It seems as if no matter where we go or what we do we are still drawn together. We both have a lot of issues to work through and I am not sure where we should go from here, but I feel better after writing this letter to you. We should have talked like this years ago but I suppose it's never too late, right? I think we always knew each other better than anyone else did.

Always, Cuddy

p.s. I've enclosed a recent picture of Rachel. Notice what she's doing.

The picture she enclosed was one of Rachel on the monkey bars hanging upside down!