A/N: Well here goes. House is reading Cuddy's letter. I felt it deserved its own chapter.
House held his breath as he began to read Cuddy's letter. He was anxious to get through it but forced himself to relax and savor every word. After the first few lines, he closed his eyes and took another deep breath. He was trying to relax in order to be prepared for whatever was in it. He thought this day would never come and it was a bit overwhelming. He got up from the couch and limped over to the piano, a place that brought him great comfort. He sat on the bench and began to read again.
When I was in the hospital before my surgery, I was devastated by what might happen and I needed you there. I didn't need Wilson or your team, I needed you. I needed your shoulder to cry on, I needed you to hold my hand, kiss me, and lay in my hospital bed and hold me close because I was scared it might be the last time we would ever do that.
His eyes were misty as he read what she had needed from him the night before her surgery. His heart ached. He already knew how much he'd disappointed her but reading it in her words, having to relive that moment again was almost too much. Suddenly the memories of that night, the fear and loss he felt thinking she was dying, came rushing back to him and he banged his fist on the piano keys in anger and disappointment over the way he had handled that moment.
The night I went to your apartment and broke it off was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It broke my heart but I didn't know what else to do, I had to protect myself and Rachel. Afterwards you lashed out and every little thing you did after the breakup hurt me so much. You were a real son of a bitch House, every time you pulled some stupid stunt, it broke my heart even more.
He reread that twice and thought, I wanted you to hurt as much as I did but I never wanted to break your heart, Cuddy.
I was even more angry at the fact that like you always do when you make a mess, you ran away. You left Wilson and me to pick up the pieces. Your actions forced me to leave my home, my job, everything I loved. Everywhere I turned there were reminders of you and it hurt too much.
House hung his head in shame and whispered, "I'm so sorry."
I wasn't interested in a relationship with Jerry. There's no way I could think of another man in that way after having just been with you for almost a year and then after having loved you for so many years. I wish I'd told you that...maybe it would've made a difference.
Looking back he should've known better. He knew she loved him. She'd never jump into a relationship with someone else so soon after.
The night of the incident, the officer who took my statement referred to what you did as domestic violence. Those words made me cringe because it just wasn't the House I've known for so many years. Sure, you had a tendency to lash out verbally at people around you when you were in pain, but when it came to physical destruction you usually did that to yourself not others, and especially not me or Rachel.
He felt a chill up and down his spine. Domestic violence. He would never hurt Cuddy and yet he nearly did. A tear fell from his eye as he re-read that paragraph. He hadn't been the man she'd known all those years. The man she knew would have sacrificed his own life to save both of them.
House, you asked if I could ever forgive you. I already have. I forgive you. You and I share a long and complicated history. We've seen each other at our best and worst. I would be lying if I said I did not think of you and care about you because I do and you have been on my mind, even more now since I received your letter. Rachel never forgot you, she spoke of you often after we broke up and continued even after we moved. Like me, Rachel never forgot you.
He wiped his eyes and continued reading and that's when it hit him like a ton of bricks. The words he'd been hoping someday she would say: I forgive you. She forgave him. He read those words again to be sure he hadn't hallucinated them. He simply sat there shaking his head in disbelief. It made him feel good to read it but he also felt guilty because he believed he hurt her much more than she ever hurt him. Oh Cuddy, he thought, I wish we'd talked too. I wish we'd done so many things differently.
As he progressed further through the letter he was amazed and yet pleased that Rachel missed him so much. The little girl had grown on him and he missed her too.
He read on about Cuddy's sister. While there was no love lost between him and Julia, he knew Julia and Michael had been together a long time. He thought about how he felt at the moment he thought Cuddy was dying and compared it to how Julia must feel having lost the love of her life. He suddenly felt compassion for Julia that he never thought he would have. He couldn't imagine what she must be going through. It also surprised him to learn Julia didn't hate him. He suddenly wished he'd had the chance to apologize to her and her husband for his actions.
As you know I'm living in Cambridge now. I'm lecturing at Mass General in the Administrative Fellowship program and on staff in the Endocrine Unit. I rent a brick house with a small yard in a nice quiet neighborhood. Rachel is bright, energetic and curious. She is smart too and at times she can be stubborn and headstrong-much like you though my mother says I was just like that at her age. We go the park nearby quite often and Rachel's favorite thing is the monkey bars. She told me you taught her how to hang on the bars! I had no idea! And while we're at it-you took her for ice cream? Read stories to her? Why didn't you ever tell me?
House was elated that she divulged where she lived and worked. It was a sign that she was not afraid of him. He cringed at the thought that at one time she might've been. Twice he read the part about going to the park with Rachel...and the ice cream. The reason he'd never told Cuddy all the little things he'd done with Rachel was because he worried it might get her hopes up that he could possibly be a father figure to Rachel only to eventually be disappointed when he screwed up. Once again he'd prevented himself from going all in because he feared he's lose her over something he might've done. Or maybe not. He was confused. During their relationship there had been so many mind games, not intentional, but every day the two of them figured out ways to maneuver the minefield of their relationship without ever really communicating. They'd perfected it to the point where it ended in complete misery and disaster.
He set the letter down and placed his fingers on the piano keys, letting them float gently as music filled the room. He thought about the park and Rachel and the first time he'd taken her there alone.
It was a Saturday afternoon and Cuddy was at a baby shower for one of the nurses. House had assured her he would look after Rachel and they wouldn't burn down the house. After thirty minutes of watching monster trucks Rachel got bored and asked House if they could go to the park. He tried to bribe his way out of it but Rachel would have none of that. Once she gave him the puppy dog eyes, he was toast. He put her in the car seat and grabbed them a few snacks and two bottles of water and drove her to nearby Marquand Park.
As they walked among the trees, resting when needed on benches placed throughout the park, he could see that Rachel was simply amazed by the massive leafy structures towering over them. She was very curious and asked lots of questions. He answered all of them as best he could. When they reached the playground, he was glad because his leg hurt. He sat on a bench and pulled out some snacks while Rachel played with a few of the children in the sandbox. She eventually spotted the monkey bars and asked if she could climb them.
"Can I play on the bars?"
"No, you're not old enough, stay in the sandbox."
"I wanna play on that" she insisted pointing at the bars.
"Your mother will get mad."
"We don't hafta tell her." Rachel smiled that mischievous cute smile she used when she really wanted something. He had to admit she was hard to resist. Was he rubbing off on her? He laughed and decided it wouldn't hurt her to just hang on the bars a few minutes and after all he was right there watching her. He took her hand and walked her over to the playground equipment.
What was supposed to be a few minutes turned into an hour. He watched Rachel climb up to the bars and then over them. He held her lightly as she hung down and swung back and forth. House made monkey noises and she laughed. Eventually they went home, stopping for ice cream first but neither mentioned their adventure to Cuddy. It was their secret.
House smiled at that memory. Marquand Park was a beautiful place, seventeen acres of green grass and some of the most beautiful trees he'd ever seen. He not only missed taking Rachel there but he missed making out with Cuddy there too. Sometimes on the way home from a late day at the office or a date they'd park there and walk a little in the lit areas of the park, stopping to sit on one of the benches so House could rest his leg. They'd talk or kiss or just sit in silence leaning against one another. It was a nice respite from the busy hospital and gave them a few moments of pure quiet time together before going home to Rachel. Those stolen moments still resonated in his mind and he referred to them often on lonely nights in prison and when he'd returned home.
He continued to play and placed the letter where he could read the rest of it. Suddenly he stopped playing and let his hands rest on the keys. His jaw dropped and his heart beat wildly. He wiped his eyes before reading it again to be sure.
You told me that you will always love me. House, I've always loved you and I will always love you. It seems as if no matter where we go or what we do we are still drawn together. We both have a lot of issues to work through and I am not sure where we should go from here, but I feel better after writing this letter to you. We should have talked like this years ago but I suppose it's never too late, right? I think we always knew each other better than anyone else did.you. We should have talked like this years ago but I suppose it's never too late, right? I think we always knew each other better than anyone else did.
After everything I've done she still loves me? He thought. He banged his fingers on the piano and shouted into the air, "She still loves me!"
And then it him him. A whirlwind of emotions tore through him and his head began to spin with all kinds of thoughts. He needed a break to think so he got up from the piano and grabbed his coffee mug for a refill. He took the letter with him to put it back in the envelope that laid on the coffee table. As he picked up the envelope, he noticed something on the floor between the table and couch. He picked it up and saw that it was the photo of Rachel that Cuddy had mentioned in her letter. In that photo was a smiling Rachel in mismatched clothing hanging upside down on the monkey bars. He couldn't help but smile at that photo. He'd taught her how to do that and for a moment he felt like he'd been a positive influence in her life, at least for a short time. For so many years he'd thought that he was no good for children or anyone else for that matter and that he was cursed to be a miserable son of a bitch like his father. Seeing that picture of Rachel doing something he had taught her to do evoked feelings of pride and love within him.
He took the picture, the letter and his mug into the kitchen and set them down on the butcher block table. He placed his hands on either side of the table and gripped it tightly. He bowed his head, closed his eyes, let out a long sigh and then quietly he wept.