Despite retiring to bed well after midnight the previous night, Cuddy was up at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning busy with household chores as Rachel slept. While cleaning house and doing laundry, Cuddy was able to organize her thoughts and work through her problems. She recalled how House used to tease her incessantly about her obsessive housekeeping and she'd just laughed and compared it to his obsessive need to watch soaps or toss his ball while thinking through cases. After that, he never bugged her about it again.

Rachel woke around seven-thirty and played in her room while her mother prepared breakfast. Sharon and Hannah were due any moment for breakfast before their outing to the park. Sharon arrived right at nine o'clock just as Cuddy was setting the table for breakfast. She opened the door to greet her friend.

"Hey Sharon," she said as they exchanged hugs.

"Hey Lise. We're not late are we?"

"You're right on time." Looking down at Hannah she said, "Hi Hannah, Rachel's in her room, why don't you go find her and we'll call you when breakfast is ready?"

"Okay Miss Lisa," said Hannah as she went off to find Rachel.

Cuddy handed Sharon a cup of coffee. Sharon nodded her thanks, took a sip and asked, "So, how are things?"

"Things are good I suppose."

"Did you sleep at all last night? You look like hell."

"I didn't get to bed until late."

"Apparently. So what's wrong?"

Cuddy sighed as she mixed the pancake batter. She looked up at Sharon and hesitated a second before telling her about last night's events.

"You know I went to the cocktail party for the new fellows last night."

"Yeah how'd it go?"

"Well it went fine until later on after everyone left, this guy came up to me to introduce himself."

"Oh? You met someone? Was he cute?"

"He was until he opened his mouth."

"What? What the hell happened?"

"Do you know a Dr. Kirk in Cardiology?"

"Oh God, not him," Sharon said as she rolled her eyes.

"You know him?"

"Who doesn't? He's an asshole. Lisa, tell me you didn't do anything with him."

"No! Of course not. He introduced himself and offerd to buy me a glass of wine. We talked for a short time but then he expected me to have sex with him afterwards. I said no then he grabbed my arm and called me a cock tease. Bastard damn near didn't let me go."

Sharon shook her head; apparently not surprised by his actions.

"You need to stay away from him. He's bad news. Five years ago he was accused of rape but it was he said-she said and the nurse who accused him suddenly recanted and then left town. I knew the nurse, she was a really nice girl, just out of nursing school, bright and had a really great career ahead of her. One night she goes out for drinks with Kirk and next thing you know he's being accused of rape and then she quits her job and leaves Boston. Kirk's wife divorced him a year later, took the kids and moved to Vermont. It was pretty bitter from what I heard. Apparently he'd been having affairs for a long time. She finally must have gotten tired of it.

"Oh God. Why in hell is he even employed at the hospital?"

"Because one, she recanted and took off and two, he is from a very well-connected family with deep roots in Boston, they are one of the twenty richest families in the state. They've got their hands in everything and believe me Harvard likes keeping them happy."

"Wow. I guess I dodged a bullet didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. My advice is to stay away from him, he's just bad news. Medically speaking, he's one of the best Cardiologists in the state but as a person he's a real son of a bitch."

"He seemed nice at first."

"Yeah, don't they all?"

"Why can't I meet a nice guy?"

"You want to meet someone?"

"Not really. I should but I don't. The men I've met here just don't do it for me. They're nice looking but their personality sucks or their personality is great but they've got no ambition. It's nearly impossible to find the one guy who has everything I want. Know what I mean?"

"Yeah I know. Why do you think I'm still single?" Sharon asked jokingly.

"I thought that was by choice," Cuddy said.

"It is Lise; I'm not going to settle for someone less than what I deserve."

"What if he never comes along?"

"Then I guess I'll have to live with that. The question is can you?"

"I don't know. I found the only guy I really wanted and now he's gone and really I just don't feel like trying to fill his shoes. Besides, I've got baggage, I'm damaged goods."

"Lisa Cuddy you are not damaged goods."

"Oh come on Sharon, you don't have to lie to me. I know how screwed up I am," Cuddy said sarcastically.

"I love how this always comes back to House." Sharon laughed.

At that moment Rachel and Hannah had come into the kitchen after smelling pancakes and bacon. Rachel's ears perked up at the mention of her old friend's name.

"Howse?" asked Rachel looking at her mother.

Cuddy was taken back for a moment, not sure how to respond. "No baby, we were talking about something else."

"Oh okay." Rachel was clearly disappointed. She and Hannah took their places at the table as her mother served breakfast.

"I miss Howse."

Sharon just looked at Cuddy and mouthed "I'm sorry."

They ate breakfast and chatted about a number of things. After cleaning up the dishes, they departed for the park. It was a beautiful morning and as they approached the swings, the two women noticed how quiet it was he only noise being the breeze gently blowing through the trees. As the girls took turns pushing each other on the swings, Cuddy and Sharon sat at the picnic table watching them and chatting.

"Lisa, it's amazing that Rach still remembers House."

Cuddy looked down and kicked at the grass with her boot. She didn't say anything. They just watched the girls awhile and enjoyed the morning sunshine and the breeze blowing through the trees. Without warning Cuddy spoke.

"I thought when we left Princeton she'd forget him but when we left she kept asking about him all the time, still does."

It seemed to Sharon that Cuddy really wanted to talk about him, she just needed encouragement.

"Go ahead Lise, talk about it if you want to. It's okay."

She said, "One night just after I tried getting Rachel into Waldenwood School and found out that there was no room for her, he came into her bedroom where we were playing and sat on the floor. Rach climbed in his lap and just sat there. He looked like he was uncomfortable but then he began stroking her back and not saying a word. It was weird. I had no idea what brought that about. Later I found out from Wilson that House had been secretly helping Rachel memorize the games the school used to measure intelligence. I guess they bonded over that."

"He cheated?"

"Yeah. He did it because he knew her getting into the school would make me happy. He even told me that night that he thought Rachel was smart and I could tell he really meant it."

"Wow. That doesn't sound like him."

"I know. But as it turns out, as screwed up as it was, it was his way of trying to help me."

Cuddy leaned back against the picnic table and closed her eyes. "God Sharon, how do we know sometimes what's really right for us? I mean there's no damn manual to tell us how to live our lives, we have to play it by ear. Frankly doing it that way just sucks."

"Tell me about it."

They were silent again, no words needed at that moment. After a few minutes Cuddy began talking again. As she spoke, her eyes never left Rachel.

"I thought Lucas was the one. He flirted with me when I first met him and while I thought he was nice, I did think he was a little immature. When House went to Mayfield, Lucas stepped up and helped me with some things at work and then we went out on a date. Lucas was very romantic, he gave me flowers, cooked dinner for me, took care of Rachel, he was very sweet and kind. I was able to talk to him about many things and he didn't deflect. It was so refreshing. He was the kind of guy I was supposed to want. The only problem was he wasn't House."

"Why did you stay with him so long?"

"Honestly, I didn't want to be alone. I weighed being with Lucas and having someone love me versus waiting for House who might never recover and if he did, he might never want a relationship with me. I couldn't take the chance of winding up alone. There were times Lucas made me happy and he was great with Rachel. When it came to sex, well he wasn't so great in bed but I figured that that would get better with time. Then House got out of Mayfield and everything changed."

"How did it change?"

"Well, he was just different inside and out. He buzzed his hair short and looked like he'd been working out. He seemed more physically fit than I'd seen in quite some time. To me he always looked good, but to see him like that, he just looked so healthy. He looked great. He also walked straighter and more confident and he didn't limp as much as he did before. And his eyes, they were clearer than I'd seen them in years, not since med school. There was just this aura about him that was different and I liked it. I really wanted to get to know that side of him but I was afraid. I'd already gotten involved with Lucas and I didn't want to take the chance of breaking up with Lucas to risk a relationship with House that may not work."

"You played it safe."

Cuddy nodded her head in affirmation. "For years I'd told myself that I'd give him a chance if he got clean and straightened out his life. In the back of my mind I think I knew that since he would never do that, I was safe. Then he did it. He got himself together and then he pursued me but then it was too late, I was with someone else. I never thought he'd do it, so I figured I never had to worry."

"Let me ask you this? Did you secretly hope he'd keep screwing up his life so you wouldn't have to take the chance?"

"Something like that."

"Boy you are screwed up!" Sharon exclaimed and shook her head laughing.

"Gee, thanks," Lisa said sarcastically.

Sharon laughed. "Lisa, you're screwed up but not any more than the rest of us believe me. Now keep going I want to hear more."

"When Lucas asked me to marry him I thought I'd be excited after all I always wanted to get married. I accepted his proposal because I was sure it was my one chance. But then underneath that collapsed building when I watched House with Hannah, it hit me why I loved him. I loved him because of exactly who he was, dysfunction and all. Later, House wanted me to understand what I was getting myself into, that just because he opened himself up to Hannah in a moment of weakness, did not meant he had changed. I assured him that one moment wasn't why I broke my engagement, it's just that the moment made me realize all the things I'd already known. It's hard to explain but all the things we'd shared over the years came back to me at that moment and I realized I loved him, I loved the whole package. Lucas could never have made me feel the way House did, nor could he have challenged me the way House did. Besides, House just got me, he knew me better than anyone else did."

Cuddy took some time to compose herself. Her eyes were misty and she looked as if she needed a break. The two were silent for a few minutes, just listening to the breeze and watching the girls play.

After a few minutes Sharon asked, "Lisa why are you thinking about this now?"

"I've been thinking about him for awhile and figured that was normal and it would go away but then I received his letter and it just made me think about how he was an important part of my life for so long. Then last night on my way home, I was so upset about the asshole in the bar. I was cursing House, I mean if he hadn't driven his car into my house I wouldn't be here in Boston now. I'd still be in Princeton. I'd still be Dean of Medicine. Rachel would be in school somewhere in Princeton and I'd be living in my house in my old neighborhood and everything would be the way it used to be."

"I know hon, but you can't undo what's been done."

"I know. I just wonder what things would have been like if I'd stayed in Princeton."

"Do you think for a moment things might have been better than they are now?"

Cuddy shrugged her shoulders. "I have no idea," she said.

"Lisa, could you two have been friends? It would have been very difficult for you to see each other moving on to relationships with other people. Could either of you have moved on? Would you have been able to get back to the relationship you had before you became romantically involved? Of course nothing is certain but things could have turned out much worse."

"Worse, oh come on Sharon-"

"Hear me out-" Sharon interjected. "We can sit here and wonder what might have been and think that if you'd stayed everything would have worked out but we have no way of knowing that. We can only go with what we do know which is this—you got a great job at one of the best hospitals in the country teaching other doctors how to do what you excelled at before you came here. You are working with patients a few days a week, something you said you'd missed in Princeton. Your daughter is growing into a lovely and very smart young lady. You and I met and have become good friends as did our daughters. You've also grown quite a bit and you've worked through issues related to yourself and House as well as with your own family. Your circumstances forced you to deal with things that maybe you would not have dealt with otherwise. There's a chance that might not have happened in Princeton. Rather than worrying about what might have been you need to focus on what is now because that's all you can control."

Sharon could tell Cuddy was questioning the logic.

"That crap about out of everything bad comes something good, well, there's something to that. As corny as it sounds, I like to believe everything happens for a reason. For the last couple of years you two have had space and time to think about a lot of things. Only God knows why but maybe, just maybe that's exactly what you both needed."

Cuddy leaned up against the big tree shading the picnic table. She sighed loudly and said, "Sharon, I hate what he did to me."

"I know Lisa."

"I hate feeling like I have to rationalize my feelings."

"Are you rationalizing to others or yourself?"

"Myself. "

"You don't have to do that. Your feelings belong to you, nobody else. You don't have to justify your thoughts to yourself and you sure as hell don't have to give a damn what anyone else thinks."

Cuddy took a deep breath. "I was raised to believe certain things are not acceptable in society. Physical and emotional abuse is not acceptable."

"That is very true."

"But I also know House did not intend to hurt us. I've always known that."

"Are you worried that thinking that might appear to excuse his actions?"

"Yes."

"Are you worried about what you think or what others think?"

Cuddy thought about that a moment, but she knew the answer instantly. "Other people."

"Forget others for a moment. What does Lisa Cuddy think?"

Cuddy was nervous, she paced a bit and glanced over to where the girls were in the sandbox, as if she hadn't heard the question. Sharon knew she'd heard it.

"Lisa? You're afraid to say it aren't you?"

"I can't."

"Yes you can."

"Dammit Sharon I can't, it's not right!" Lisa exclaimed loudly but not loud enough for the girls to hear her from the sandbox.

"There's no right or wrong here Lisa, there's only what you think and feel."

"But it goes against everything-"

"Hon, stop. What do you feel? That's all I want to know. How you feel."

Cuddy grabbed the hair band out of her pocket and put her hair in a ponytail, she was clearly agitated and nervous. Sharon knew Lisa just needed to overcome her fear of being perceived as weak for admitting her true feelings.

"It's okay Lisa. Tell me what you feel, what you think what you want."

Suddenly she stopped pacing. She moved back to the picnic table and placed both hands on it, gripping it as if holding on for dear life.

"I love him. I miss him. I need him. Without him in my life, I feel like a piece of me is gone. It hurts so much." Then she began to cry.

Sharon got up and went over to her friend and held her. "Lisa, it's okay. You are not weak; you are a very strong woman. You are smart, kind and generous and you have a huge heart. You are an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. You have always looked out for the needs of others and you honestly care about people's feelings. It is not weak to love, want, or need someone. You knew House long before he did what he did to you and I believe that in your heart and your mind, you know that he is so much more than the man who did that to you. He wasn't some stranger you'd just met; you've known him more than half your life. That still counts, that still means something to you."

Cuddy pulled away from Sharon's embrace for a moment to wipe her eyes.

"Sharon, I think about twenty-something years I knew him and I weigh it against the one minute in time when he did the worst thing he's ever done to me. One part of me says that the years before he did that awful thing should mean more than that one act, but another part of me says that what he did totally negates all those years, all those memories."

"Do you really feel that his actions that day truly outweigh everything you shared over the years?"

"I'm conflicted, It's how I think I'm supposed to feel. There are times when I miss him and I don't think that but there are times I get so mad at him for what he did that I do."

Sharon let out a loud laugh. "Oh Lisa. You'll get there. Baby steps."

"You've been a good friend. I'm sorry I dumped all this on you, it's just that I'm trying to work through things and it helps having someone to talk to about it."

"You can talk to me anytime you know that. Let me give you one more piece of advice. You can't change anything that has happened in the past but the future is up for grabs. Find what makes you happy, grab it and never let go even if it's screwed up and dysfunctional. If it makes you happy it's worth it. To hell with what everyone else thinks. You are in control! Okay?"

"Okay," Cuddy said as she hugged Sharon and they both laughed and headed over to the sandbox to see what the girls were up to.

Later that evening around nine o'clock, Cuddy had just finished tucking Rachel into bed. It had been a long and eventful day and Rachel passed out as soon as she hit the sheets. Cuddy tidied up the living room a bit and turned off the lights as she moved into the kitchen. She grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the tap and as she drank, she stared out the open kitchen window. It was a nice evening with a breeze flowing in causing the wind chimes to stir. A few stars were out and the full moon was shining down on her lawn. She suddenly laughed out loud as she fondly recalled a memory from a few years earlier. She and House had been doing the dishes while looking out her kitchen window on a night such as this. It was just the two of them enjoying some time alone listening to classical music as her mother and Wilson, drugged by House for the sake of peace and quiet, slept peacefully at the dining room table.

Good times she thought. Good times.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it took a bit of time to write. It's important for me to get into the heads of House and Cuddy to better understand their feelings as they move towards each other again. Please don't forget to leave a comment!