Tests, tests, test…
The whole day had been filled with nothing but scans and exams and tests.
Today, Bianca accepted the fact that she was to be wheeled from one machine to the next for this scan or that, while David tried to diagnose what was wrong.
Last night had been bad enough when they had hooked her up to sensors covering her scalp and her arm, to monitor her brain and muscle activity while she slept.
Now they were into the afternoon and it was hard work, David wanted to stimulate the nerves that were causing the tremors so before each scan he had Bianca lifting weights and exercising. Bianca was rather startled to discover how easy David was able to induce the fits, the scan was showing misfiring nerves even when Bianca's hand seemed fine. The tests also revealed that the tremors that occurred in her hand were also happening in her left leg where she couldn't feel it. In fact the fits were effecting the whole left side of her body to some degree.
Why did her body keep letting her down like this? She felt fine! Why did this have to be happening now?
…
Marissa took a deep breath as she walked into the Doctor's office.
"Dr Stanhope."
"Marissa!" said the doctor getting up from the chair to greet her. "You are looking well."
"Thank you." said Marissa, taking a seat on the couch. There was a pillow beside her, she picked it up and hugged it to her stomach.
"So what did you want to talk to me about?" the doctor asked.
Marissa sighed.
"It's silly really, but I keep having these dreams…"
…
David came in to see Bianca and took a seat on the chair by her bedside.
"I'm afraid this is a lot more serious than I first suspected." he said with a sigh.
"But I feel fine." insisted Bianca.
"Bianca, looking at the results I'm sorry to have to tell you that this appears to be a degenerative condition." David continued, "It will get worse without treatment. I thought at first that it was just effecting your left arm, but as you know from the tests results it is effecting your whole left side and over time may also begin to affect your right as well."
"What are you saying? I'll be paralysed again." asked Bianca.
For the first time since entering the hospital, real worry etched on her face.
…
"Dreams you say," said Dr Stanhope, picking up his notebook. "Reoccurring dreams?"
"Yes, in a way. They are all about Bianca."
"Why don't you tell me about them?"
"I don't know where to start. They always seem so normal but also so important. I want some variation but it is almost impossible, like they are set in stone, unchanging, playing over and over in my head every night like a broken record. There is one dream where we are having this snowball fight and we are laughing and we collapsed side by side in the snow, all it would take to change everything is for me to roll over and kiss her but I never do. And then the one at the Yacht club where Bianca is so scared of something lurking in the closet but she's also afraid of me and keeps pulling away. Or the hotel room where we are watching an infomercial and Bianca tells me that she attracted to me and I run away…"
Dr Stanhope's eyes widened slightly.
"You believe these are dreams." said Dr Stanhope leaning forward, a gleam of excitement in his eyes. "Have you ever thought that they might be memories?"
…
"Bianca I want to assure you I am not going to let that happen." said David, taking her hand. "I am going to put you right back onto the Orpheus treatment, that will stop and hopefully may even reverse some of this damage."
"But why now? Why is this happening?"
"I don't know… maybe when JR assaulted you it did some damage I didn't detect. But once it began it is like dominos, each fit damaging nerve connections around it, making it worse each time."
"And if I'd said something sooner? If I'd taken more care."
"You were shot Bianca, one the most violent, traumatic, physical injury you can inflict on another person. You survived that and you will survive this. Put the blame on that woman with the gun, not yourself. You are still a miracle, Bianca… and I intend for you to stay that way."
"So back on a drip." said Bianca dejectedly.
"No." said David gripping her hand tighter. "I have a new experimental treatment which I believe will be more effective."
…
"You think these are memories?" asked Marissa
"You have amnesia still, and nothing has come back to you about you past?"
Marissa shook her head.
"Well dreams are the gateway into your subconscious mind. It is possible that that part of your brain is accessing the memories your conscious brain cannot."
"I don't think so." said Marissa quietly.
"You don't."
"No because it isn't me. I would never feel that way about Bianca. In some of the dreams I'm afraid of her. Terrified by the way she makes me feel. I mean I feel like I belong with her but the fear paralyses me. I would never be like that! I love her! The person in my dreams is someone else entirely."
"A person's personality is made up from their environment and their experiences. Your personality is only a few months old Marissa; you have lost a huge part of who you were. Just because you don't feel it now doesn't mean you didn't feel it back them. You are a different person. It isn't surprising that you don't recognise yourself."
"How am I different?" Marissa asked. She had never considered the fact that she had changed.
"Well, I only met you a few times." said the doctor, "But I do notice some changes. You are not as confident as you were, you seem more cautious, which isn't surprising after the trauma of the last few months. But you are very lucky as well, you don't have a lot of baggage holding you back, you are free to follow your heart wherever it takes you."
"Free?"
"Yes, when I was treating you before you had come to see me about Bianca, because you were confused and afraid of your feelings. You had always considered yourself straight and then you found yourself attracted to another woman."
"But Bianca and I belong together…"
"You do and you realised that yourself back then, but it was a hard decision to make, to change your life completely for the love of another human being."
"Change my life?"
"When you fell in love with Bianca did you have any hesitation about being with another woman?"
"No – she's incredible!"
"But you were aware it wasn't the norm."
"I guess."
"But it didn't matter because you loved her and that was all you needed to know, right?" said Dr Stanhope.
"Right."
"Now image yourself with a lot more baggage, imagine being brought up with the belief that you should only be attracted to men… and you have loved men, slept with men, had a husband. You were straight without a doubt – that was who you were… only suddenly you meet someone who changes the rules. Someone you fall in love with who turns your whole life around. That was you back then. That was the 'you' trying to come to terms with her love for Bianca."
"But I did come to term with it." said Marissa, not liking how clinical the words sounded.
"You did, because you loved her."
Dr Stanhope got up and moved to his filing cabinet.
"I still have a copy of the notes somewhere from that meeting; maybe it would be a good idea if you read through them. Get to know yourself again."
…
"I'm not saying this treatment isn't without risks but I believe it is your best chance for a full recovery."
"What is the treatment?" Bianca asked.
"I want to inject the Orpheus formula directly into the effected nerves. I believe a number of small high dose injections will be more effective than the intravenous treatment I had you on before. I believe five injections of increasing strength will reverse this condition in a few weeks."
"A few weeks?" gasped Bianca "And the risks?"
"I believe they are very minor in your case. You haven't suffered any of the usual side effects from this treatment."
"Side effects?"
"Nausea, loss of appetite, amnesia, temporary aphasia, liver damage or heart arrhythmia."
Bianca swallowed nervously. That was quite a list. Surely it will be better to choose a treatment with fewer dangers.
"And if I choose the other treatment, the intravenous drip?"
"I honestly don't believe it will be as effective this time."
"But it will stop the fits without these other complications."
"They are a side effect from the Orpheus serum whatever the treatment regime and you are actually at greater risk from long term exposure than with five quick injections, that is why I developed this new regime in the first place."
"You've used it successfully before?"
"You would be the first subject outside the lab." admitted David. "It will work Bianca!"
…
EXTRACT – Transcript – Dr H. Stanhope - Marrisa Tasker – 07.10.11. – 14:00-15:00
MT
"It didn't really work. JR was so thoughtful and bought me the most amazing gifts. He was a changed man, or so I thought at the time. And yet still I was drawn to Bianca. Still I couldn't stop myself taking her hand, inviting myself on holiday with her. I convinced myself this was perfectly normal behaviour for two best friends."
Dr. S
"So ?"
MT
"So… Bianca told me she was attracted to me. If she had told me she loved me, if she had just pulled me into a kiss I think I would have handled it better. But it was the way she said it, 'It's nothing big, I don't expect anything but just to let you know I'm attracted to you'. It was like an admission and a rejection all in one. I can't remember what I said exactly, I know I back tracked a lot and I didn't deal with it very well. I ran back to JRs bed because it was safe there and I believed he loved me."
Dr. S
"You ran away?"
MT
"I know and yet I couldn't stop thinking about Bianca and about how I felt about her. Why I ran away."
…
Marissa sat and read through the typed up transcript; one very familiar scene popping out of the page from her dream along with the phrase 'I'm attracted to you'
As she was reading Dr Stanhope pulled a notebook from the drawer beside him.
"Something else that might be useful for you is to keep a dream journal. "he said handing over the book. "Write down everything you can remember from the dreams and we can discuss them more fully next week."
"But you really think these dreams could be memories?" Marissa asked looking up in wonder.
"Don't you? Have you talked with Bianca about them, what did she say?"
"I haven't… I can't." said Marissa. "She has a lot going on right now and how do I tell my girlfriend I dream about doubting my love for her?"
"I'm sure Bianca will make time for this, and she will understand."
"Bianca's in hospital at the moment." said Marissa sadly
"Is she alright." asked the doctor a worried frown on his face.
"There has been a complication from her injury. We're not sure the extent just yet."
"I'm so sorry. But if it is possible I do think you need to talk to her." said Dr Stanhope. "I believe Bianca is the key as she is tied so strongly to these dreams."
"And if it is memories." Marissa asked.
"Then she is the best person to interpret them."
"But then… if I can only see my past in dreams."
"Then in proves the memories are still there. I believe hypnosis may be the way forward; as a way of bringing the memories out of your subconscious into your conscious mind."
"Wait… Hypnosis? You think could cure my amnesia?" asked Marissa in awe.
"There is that possibility."
…
"So I don't really have a choice then." said Bianca with a smile. "I get to be your guinea pig."
"Bianca, this is your best chance for recovery. Treating the nerves directly may even promote further regeneration, reverse the damage done."
Bianca frowned.
"Wait, are you saying this treatment could cure me… my leg?"
David licked is lips.
"There is that possibility."
…
200 chapters – oh boy!
(For the full transcript of Marissa's past discussion with Dr Stanhope - please read Chapter 2 of Talking it Through. – ohh poetry.)