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Chapter Three: An Empty House, And an Angry Broken Heart!

A void in my chest was beginning to fill with anger. Quiet, defeated anger that guaranteed me the right to my hurt that believed no one could possibly understand that hurt.

Rachel Sontag, House Rules

After spending the weekend with Jacob time began to trip along much more quickly than it had before. It had been weeks since the night I had invited Jacob to the movies and Charlie got his wish: I wasn't miserable anymore. Charlie was no longer surprised to find Jacob and I sprawled across the living room floor with our books scattered around us. Me cooking dinner for Charlie, Jacob, and Billy became a daily event.

I'd spend the afternoon cooking with Jacob—while Charlie watched and occasionally sampled. I was being a good daughter, trying to atone for all the pizza they had to eat over the years.

If Jacob came over my house he always stayed for dinner, and took a plate home for Billy. School, work, and Jacob—though not necessarily in that order—created a neat and effortless pattern to follow.

Of course, I couldn't fool myself completely. When I stopped to take stock of my life, which I tried not to do too often, I couldn't ignore the implications of my behavior.

I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity. Jacob had even fixed my radio, much to my dismay.

It had been a very strange kind of day. I enjoyed myself. Even at the auto part store when he forced me to buy a stereo. Jacob took the time to explain what kind of stereo I was getting and how to install it. I wondered at first if it was just the aftershock of losing the numbness, but I didn't think that was enough of an explanation.

Jacob was constantly encouraging me to make up with my friends from school and I think that was Charlie's idea. I wouldn't have a problem with it except for one thing. Remember how I was bothered by Charlie's constant staring.

Well School was the opposite.

Now that I was paying attention, it was clear that no one was watching here. I remembered the first day I'd come to Forks High School—how desperately I'd wished that I could turn gray, fade into the wet concrete of the sidewalk like an oversized chameleon. It seemed I was getting that wish answered, a year late. It was as if I was not there.

Even my teachers' eyes slid past my seat as if it were empty. I listened all through the morning, hearing once again the voices of the people around me. I tried to catch up on what was going on, but the conversations were so disjointed that I gave up. Jessica didn't look up when I sat down next to her in Calculus.

"Hey, Jess," I said with put-on nonchalance.

"How have you been?" I asked waiting for her to turn on me.

She twisted in her seat to face me, eyeing me incredulously.

"Are you talking to me, Bella?" she asked surprised.

"Of course", I widened my eyes to suggest innocence.

"What? Do you need help with Calculus?" Her tone was a tad sour.

"No." I shook my head.

"Actually, I wanted to know how you've been doing." I said.

Jessica shrugged

"Super", she said, turning back to her book.

"That's good," I mumbled.

I was about to give up when an idea popped in my head.

"So what's up with you and Mike these days?" I asked quickly.

"You see him more than I do." She said not looking up from her book.

The question had not started her talking like I'd hoped it would.

"It's hard to talk at work," I mumbled, and then I tried again.

"Have you been out with anyone lately?" I asked.

"Not really. I go out with Conner sometimes. I went out with Eric two weeks ago." She rolled her eyes, and I sensed a long story.

I clutched at the opportunity. "Eric Yorkie? Who asked who?" I asked trying to keep us talking.

Why was it so much easier to talk to Jacob?

She groaned, becoming more animated.

"He did, of course! I couldn't think of a nice way to say no." she said irritated.

"Where did he take you?" I demanded, knowing she would interpret my eagerness as interest.

"Tell me all about it." I said.

She launched into her tale, and I settled into my seat, more comfortable now. I paid strict attention, murmuring in sympathy and gasping in horror as called for. When she was finished with her Eric story, she continued into a Conner comparison without any prodding. Class passed quickly after that.

My fourth hour class got out late, and the lunch table I always sat at was full by the time I arrived. Mike was there, Jessica and Angela, Conner, Tyler, Eric and Lauren. Katie Marshall, the redheaded junior who lived around the corner from me, was sitting with Eric, and Austin Marks was next to her.

I wondered how long they had been sitting here, unable to remember if this was the first day or something that was a regular habit. I was beginning to get annoyed with myself. I might as well have been packed in Styrofoam peanuts through the last semester.

No one looked up when I sat down next to Mike, even though the chair squealed stridently against the linoleum as I dragged it back. I tried to catch up with the conversation.

Mike and Conner were talking sports, so I gave up on that one at once.

"Where's Ben today?" Lauren was asking Angela.

I perked up, interested. I wondered if that meant Angela and Ben were still together. I barely recognized Lauren. She'd cut off all her blond, corn-silk hair—now she had a pixie cut so short that the back was shaved like a boy. What an odd thing for her to do.

I wished I knew the reason behind it. Did she get gum stuck in it? Did she sell it? Did all the people she was habitually nasty to catch her behind the gym and scalped her?

I decided it wasn't fair for me to judge her now by my former opinion. For all I knew, she'd turned into a nice person.

"Ben's got the stomach flu," Angela said in her quiet, calm voice.

"Hopefully it's just some twenty-four hour thing. He was really sick last night." Angela said and I could see the worry in her eyes.

Angela had changed her hair, too. She'd grown out her layers. I wondered if I should do something different with my hair too. Maybe I should make it shorter. I'll ask Jacob after school.

"What did you two do this week?" Jessica asked, not sounding as if she cared about the answer.

I'd bet that this was just an opener so she could tell her own stories. I wondered if she would talk about the stuff she told me in calculus. Was I invisible, was that why no one would feel the need to talk to me while I was here?

"We were going to have a picnic yesterday, actually, but… we changed our minds," Angela said.

There was an edge to her voice that caught my interest. Jess, not so much.

"That's too bad," she said, about to launch into her story.

However, I was not the only one who was paying attention.

"What happened?" Lauren asked curiously.

"Well," Angela said, seeming more hesitant than usual, though she was always reserved, "we drove up north, almost to the hot springs—there's a good spot just about a mile up the trail. But, when we were halfway there… we saw something." She said.

"Saw something? What?" Lauren's pale eyebrows pulled together.

Even Jess seemed to be listening now.

"I don't know," Angela said.

"We think it was a bear. It was black, anyway, but it seemed… too big." Her voice shook and I could tell what she saw had frightened her.

Lauren snorted.

"Oh, not you, too!"

Her eyes turned mocking, and I decided I didn't need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Obviously, her personality had not changed as much as her hair.

"Tyler tried to sell me that one last week," she said with a sneer.

"You're not going to see any bears that close to the resort," Jessica said, siding with Lauren.

"Really," Angela protested in a low voice, looking down at the table.

"We did see it." She said.

Lauren snickered.

Mike was still talking to Conner, not paying attention to the girls.

"No, she is right;" I blurted seeing my opening to join the conversation.

"We had a hiker in just Saturday who saw the bear, too, Angela. He said it was huge and black and just outside of town, didn't he, Mike?" I said.

There was a moment of silence. Every pair of eyes at the table turned to stare at me in shock. The new girl, Katie, had her mouth hanging open as if she had just witnessed an explosion.

Nobody moved.

"Mike?" I muttered, mortified.

"Remember the guy with the bear story?" I asked him urgently.

"S-sure," Mike stuttered after a second.

I didn't know why he was looking at me so strangely. I talked to him at work, right. Did I? I thought so. Mike recovered.

"Yeah, there was a guy who said he saw a huge black bear right at the trailhead—bigger than a grizzly," he confirmed.

"Humph." Lauren turned to Jessica, her shoulders stiff, and changed the subject.

"Did you hear back from USC?" she asked.

Everyone else looked away, too, except for Mike and Angela. Angela smiled at me tentatively, and I hurried to return the smile.

"So, what did you do this week, Bella?" Mike asked, curious, but oddly wary.

Everyone but Lauren looked back, waiting for my response.

"I rented a movie and hung out with my friend Jacob. And today I'm going to spend the afternoon down in La Push." I said with a smile at the thought of seeing Jacob.

"What movie did you see?" Mike asked, starting to smile.

"Dead silence—the one with the puppets," I said with a grin.

Maybe some of the damage I had done in these past zombie months was reparable.

"I heard that was scary. Did you think so?" Mike was eager to continue the conversation.

I looked at Jess who looked irritated. I guess she really wanted to tell her story.

I nodded, trying to look embarrassed.

"It was pretty scary." I turned to Jessica.

"So what did you do Jessica?" I asked knowing that would cheer her up.

The eyes flickered to Jessica and back to me.

"Yeah, what did you do Jessica?" Mike asked, starting to smile.

I guess he realize what I was trying to do. Jessica smiled at me and went on to tell her story.

Mike did not stop asking me questions until lunch was over. Gradually, the others were able to start up their own conversations again, though they still looked at me a lot. Angela talked mostly to Mike and me, and, when I got up to dump my tray, she followed.

"Thanks," she said in a low voice when we were away from the table.

"For what?" I asked confused.

"Speaking up, sticking up for me." She said.

I shrugged "No problem". I said brushing off her thanks.

She looked at me with concern, but not the offensive, maybe-she's-lost-it kind.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

This is why I had picked Jessica over Angela—though I had always liked Angela more—for my first conversation. Angela was too perceptive.

"Not completely," I admitted.

"But I'm a little bit better." I said.

"I'm glad," she said.

"I've missed you." She said sincerely.

Lauren and Jessica strolled by us then, and I heard Lauren whisper loudly,

"Oh, joy Bella's back".

Angela rolled her eyes at them, and smiled at me in encouragement. I sighed It was like I was starting all over again.

"What is it?" Angela asked.

"It feels like my first day here all over again", I told her.

"Nothing's changed much," Angela muttered, looking after Lauren and Jessica.

"I know, I agreed I was just thinking the same thing." I told her.

As I was leaving the lunchroom, my eyes traveled to the empty table the Cullens used to sit at.

It was lonely and empty… just like me.

"Poor girl, I heard the Cullens just abandoned her" I heard some kids whisper as they pass by me on their way second the bell rang for school to be over.

I turned my back on the gaping emptiness and hurried to my truck. I nearly ran. I was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob.

Maybe I was developing some kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I didn't care. I pushed my truck as fast as it would go as I barreled toward my fix.

I wasn't sure what the hell was doing here.

Was I trying to push myself back into the zombie stupor? Had I turned masochistic—developed a taste for torture?

I should have stayed home and watched TV until it was time to for Jacob to get out of school. I should have ignored the time and instead gone straight down to La Push and surprise Jacob.

I felt much, much healthier around Jacob this was not a healthy thing to do.

However, I continued to drive slowly down the overgrown lane, twisting through the trees that arched over me like a green, living tunnel. My hands were shaking, so I tightened my grip on the steering wheel.

I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmares, now that I was awake, the constant repeating of the same dream gnawed on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone. Sam, Jacob, a giant wolf, and him.

The fact that he had been in my dreams had to mean something. He may be Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted… but he was out there, somewhere. I had to believe that.

The words ran through my head, tonelessly, as if I was reading them rather than hearing them spoken:

It will be as if I'd never existed.

I was lying to myself by splitting my reason for coming here into just two parts. I did not want to admit the strongest motivation, because it was mentally unsound.

The truth was that I wanted to find proof. I needed Proof that he was not just a figment of my imagination. I needed proof that he did exist. That is why I was going to his home. A place I hadn't been since my ill-fated birthday party, so many months ago. The thick, almost jungle-like growth crawled slowly past my windows.

The drive wound on and on. I started to go faster, getting edgy.

How long had I been driving? Why haven't I reached the house yet?

The lane was so overgrown that it did not look familiar.

What if I couldn't find it?

I shivered.

What if there was no tangible proof at all?

Then there was the break in the trees that I was looking for, only it was not as pronounced as before. The flora here did not wait long to reclaim any land that was left unguarded. The tall ferns had infiltrated the meadow around the house, crowding against the trunks of the cedars, even the wide porch. It was as if the lawn had been flooded—waist-high—with green, feathery waves. Even though the house was there, it was not the same. Though nothing had changed on the outside, the emptiness screamed from the blank windows.

It was creepy. For the first time since I had seen the beautiful house, it looked like a fitting haunt for vampires. I hit the brakes, looking away. I was afraid to go farther.

I shook my head.

"Don't be a coward." I whispered.

I left the engine running and jumped out into the fern sea. I approached the barren, vacant face slowly, my truck rumbling out a comforting roar behind me.

I stopped when I got to the porch stairs, because there was nothing here. There was No lingering sense of their presence… of his presence. The house was solidly here, but it meant little. Its concrete reality would not counteract the nothingness of the nightmares. I did not go any closer. I did not want to look in the windows. I wasn't sure which would be harder to see.

If the rooms were bare, echoing empty from floor to ceiling, that would certainly hurt. Like my grandmother's funeral, when my mother had insisted that I stay outside during the viewing. She had said that I didn't need to see Gran that way, to remember her that way, rather than alive. However, wouldn't it be worse if there were no change? If the couches sat just as I had last seen them, the paintings on the walls—worse still, the piano on its low platform? It would be second only to the house disappearing all together, to see that there was no physical possession that tied them in anyway.

That everything remained, untouched and forgotten, behind them.

Just like their lunch table.

Just like me.

I could not look at the house anymore, even if I wanted to. I felt like I was going to faint. I felt dizzy, my knees gave out beneath me, and I fell to the ground.

I struggled to my feet, ignoring the scrapes on my hands and turned my back on the gaping emptiness and hurried to my truck, to the one thing that could get me away from here.

I was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob. I knew it was too early. Jacob had probably just got home and I should probably wait an hour before I bother him but I didn't care. I Needed Jacob.

I drove as fast as I could. I felt like if I slowed down even for a minute I would fall apart. I was not surprised to find Jacob waiting outside when I pulled up. I got out of the car and ran to him.

"Bella?" he asks confused.

I would probably be confused to if someone showed up at my house an hour early and jumped into my arms shaking.

"He's not there anymore." I whispered, "He's not anywhere anymore"

Jacob did not say anything. He frowned before lifting me up against his chest and taking me inside the house. He walked right by Billy, who looked concerned, and into his room. He placed me gently on the bed and just sat there he closes his eyes, his arms finding their way around me, holding me tightly.

"You're not alone. I'm here for you," he said, something inside me cracked, and a sob escaped my throat before I could stop it.

The dam broke violently; emotions and memories long suppressed tearing from me in a flood that threatens to drown us both. I clung to him, my fingers digging into his shirt, grasping handfuls of the soft fabric as I bury my face in the curve of his neck.

I had not been this close to anyone for this long since he left me. I had the sudden urge to push Jacob away, to get up and run and never come back. I should leave him here and let him go back to whatever he was doing before I came into his life.

"It's alright Bella. I'm not going anywhere," he whispered and all of a sudden, I knew that I couldn't hide anymore.

And I couldn't get up even if I wanted to. Because I was suddenly adrift on an open sea of pain and memories and he was the only thing keeping me from drowning. I needed him to keep me from slipping under.

I wished desperately to be numb again to go back to hiding behind the walls I had so carefully constructed around myself. He held me through all of it, only moving to shift his weight to a more comfortable position underneath me. He didn't say anything else, just tightened his arms around me, my hands flat against his back as he tried to absorb my pain. I tugged myself free from his grasp and stood up, wrapping my arms around my middle, trying to keep myself together. The look in his eyes tears at me and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes.

"I'm sorry," I told him.

"I'm sorry," I said again, hating the way those words as they came out of my mouth.

Then I did the only thing I can do. I turned and walked quickly away leaving the room. I left him in stunned shock to stare after me as I ran away. I ran past Billy, who was on the phone, and out the door. I heard him calling my name but I didn't care. I need to get out of there.

By the time I reach the car, I'm buzzing with all types of emotions. I feel the Pain of him leaving me, the loneliness of losing my second family, fear of the unknown, and surprisingly a lot of anger. I can feel it like a current of electricity beneath my skin. I pulled, trying to get the door open, but it wouldn't budge. I tugged harder, yanking at it with all my strength, but it still did not open.

My anger boils over into an unsuppressed rage that I can no longer control. I kicked the door savagely, and then kicked it again.

Then I start pounding on the window with my fists. I wanted to break it, wanted to feel it shatter beneath my hands, to see the shards scatter across the seat.

Just like my heart shattered when he left me in the woods.

So I hit it again, and again, and again. I focus on the pain in my hands, welcomes it. It was sharp and acute, different from the pulsing ache I have been living with for months.

"Bella, Stop it!"

The shout is close by but it barely registers with me and I pound my hands against the window again, ignoring the plea.

"Stop it!" a familiar voice shouts and this time, I feel two warm hands on my arm, pulling me away.

I wanted to struggle, to fight against his hold, but my arms felt like lead and they fell limply at my sides, the wound in my chest throbbing with each pounding heartbeat.

When I focus my eyes, I see Jacob holding me tightly.

"Bella," he whispered, my name just a whisper from on his lip.

"Don't do this?" he begs.

The words make me flinch. I had asked him that, before he left me, in nearly the same tone of voice.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I thought this truck meant a lot to you Bella. You shouldn't break things that are important to you." He said.

I looked up at him and felt more tears fall down my cheeks. Jacob shakes his head, running his fingers across my cheeks, leaving wet smears across my skin.

"I will never leave you." He promised.

I stared at him, my eyes glistening, fresh tears replacing the ones he just wiped away. Then he hugs me, catching me off-guard.

He finally let go of my arm so he can wrap both arms around me tightly. My arms snaked under his, my hands gripping fistfuls of Jacob's shirt.

Finally, the only sound that remains is that of their breathing, shallow and uneven. After a few moments, he loosens his grip on me but didn't let me go completely. He was willing to sit there as long as I needed; he was waiting for me to get myself together.

The second he let me go, I slid to the ground, and wrapped my arms around my knees, my back against the truck. I was still struggling to calm down; the air seems too thick, like syrup, and I couldn't seem to get enough oxygen. I felt light-headed.

I forced myself to breathe; I sat up, meeting his eyes briefly before I turned away. I looked down at my hands, which were scrapped and bruised. Then I pressed the back of my sleeves to my eyes to dry my tears and dropped my hands into my lap.

Jacob shifted again so that he was leaning against the car, knees drawn up like mine. Our shoulders almost touching, reaching over, he covers my hand with his, letting it rest there gently.

"Tell me what I can do to help you," he asks and his question through the fog in my head.

His voice was comforting and memories of easy conversations fill my mind. He's like an earthbound sun, whenever I was within his gravitational pull, Jacob warmed me. It was natural, a part of who he was. My own personal sun.

"Jake", I said closing my eyes.

"Don't leave me. Just…Just talk to me. That is all I want you to do. Just stay with me and talk." I said.

Unsure if he heard me. He suddenly stood up

"Let's go" he said leading me away from the house.

We walked through the woods that were surrounding his house. It was not sure how long we walked but I knew my feet were glad when we stopped.

"My mom found this place during a walk…" Jacob trailed off and moved out of the way so I could see.

I stared in amazement at the utter beauty of the area. It wasn't like the meadow, which was only filled with flowers; it was a lake, with a few rose bushes, and some apple trees. I noticed a little garden growing off to the side.

"She used to bring me here all the time before she died" Jacob said.

"It's beautiful," I told him.

Jacob smirked.

"You should see it in the spring time. There are fireflies all over the place," he told me.

"Fireflies?" I asked.

Jacob nodded and headed over to the rose bushes. He handed me a rose and put it in my hair.

"Thank you for this." I said quietly.

Jacob shrugged.

"Sure, sure," He said taking off his shoes, and sitting next to lake.

I sat next to him finding a comfortable position.

"Okay", he whispered and I looked at him confused.

Then he began to talk. He talked about how school was going, his hobbies, his likes, his dislikes, his hopes, his dreams. I leaned my head back letting his voice wash over me. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze,

I whimpered involuntarily.

Looking down at my hand, he made a face and brushed his fingertips feather-lightly across hands. They were red and raw and the skin is broken on a couple of them, tiny pearls of blood peeking out from the cut.

"You're bleeding Bella." He said.

I didn't look, didn't need to – I was very familiar with the sight of my own blood.

"Sorry" I say trying to pull my hand back. Jacob held my hand in his grip refusing to let go.

"Why are you apologizing for bleeding?" he asked.

I didn't answer. Instead, I focused on him, watching as he studied my hands – the curve of his lips, the way his black hair shines, his dark brown eyes.

Jacob looked older than fifteen, older than me. Quil didn't have too much on him in the muscle department; for all that Jacob claimed to be a skeleton.

The muscles were the long wiry kind, but they were definitely there under the smooth skin. His skin was such a pretty color, flawless dark russet skin, it made me jealous. Jacob ripped the sleeve off his shirt and dipped it in the lake. He began gently washing the wounds on my hand.

"You know what Jacob," I say tiredly.

"What?" Jacob asked looking up from my bleeding palm.

"You're sort of beautiful," I whispered as if I was telling him a secret.

Jacob smiled and rolled his eyes.

"Did you hit your head or something?" he asked.

I don't say anything. I wished that I could stop time.

"Do you remember the day we first met?' I asked him.

Jacob laughed.

"Yeah, I was 5 and you were 7. I threw mud at you." He said laughing.

"And then you jumped on me and started trying to make me eat mud" Jacob said.

I smiled shaking my head "Our first meeting was awful but we turned out alright." I told him.

Who would have thought that I would come to like him this much? That Jacob Black would one day be my best friend.

"The suns going down" Jacob said standing up.

"Jacob, thank you for being in my life," I said.

Jacob and I headed back toward the house and I heard the door open but did not look up.

"Bella?" I hear Charlie yell rushing over to us.

"Dad?" I say confused and I vaguely wondered why he was there.

"Billy called me and said that you were here and that something was wrong." Charlie said.

I blocked out the rest of the conversation letting Jacob take over.

"Let's go home Bella" Charlie says helping me to my feet.

"Bye Jacob" I said.

"Bye Bells", Jacob said and gave me a wave.

He was still standing there when we drove away. Charlie waited till we got home before he broached the subject.

"What happened, Bella?" he asked and I shrugged.

"Look Bells, I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel or what you're going through, but I do care about you and I want to help you." He said.

I looked away from him.

"I know I brought this up before and you were against it but maybe you should get some help from a professional." He suggested.

I shook my head fiercely.

"No" I stated firmly.

"Please Bella" he begged.

"You are important to me. Your life is important to me. Please let me find you a therapist. Someone who can help you." He said.

I didn't want a therapist but looking into Charlie's tired, worried eyes I couldn't help but nod my head. Charlie hugged me and went to call someone. I silently slipped away to my room. I kept telling myself that I did the right thing.

It will make Charlie happy and how bad could therapy actually be?

I decided to go to bed early without dinner.

That night I dreamed I was being chased by a shadow. It reached out and dragged me down into the darkness. Then Jacob appears and I reach for him with all my strength and he reaches for me to. Then I grabbed his hand only instead of him pulling me out I drag him down with me.

"Let me go Jacob!" I yelled trying to save him from drowning with me.

"I'll never leave you." Jacob said.

"I told you that you couldn't save him, Bella" his voice whispered in my ear and we sink.

I woke up and lay down on my bed, but I was shaking too hard to hope to go back to sleep. I curled into a cramped ball under my quilt, and faced the horrifying facts. Tremors rocked me until my teeth chattered.

"You're wrong" I whispered angrily about the comment he made.

Great now I was talking to myself. Maybe I did need help.

Author's note: okay I know this chapter is a little long and rush but please bear with me. This chapter is very important. It's the start of Bella's healing. Please pm and review your thoughts. Constructive criticism welcome. No flames please. And a special thanks to those who reviewed.

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