Disclaimer: I do not Twilight or any songs on Bella's CD!
(Thanks Rikkumiku for the song idea!)
Chapter 8: Discoveries and changes
"True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before one can call it by name"
George Washington
I was hanging out in Jacob's garage drinking one of his warm sodas and watching him work on the rabbit.
Jacob had been quiet today.
I was worried. I did not want to pry but I felt like something was going on.
"Jake?" I said deciding to just ask him.
Jacob looked up from under the hood.
"What's up?" he asked.
"Is something wrong?" I asked.
Jacob sighed.
"It's Embry." He said.
I was surprised.
It had been Two weeks since Embry got sick. I thought he was better.
"Is he still sick?" I asked.
Jacob shook his head.
"Embry missed a week of school so I thought he was still sick but he was never home when I tried to see him. When he came back, he looked…he looked freaked out, as if he was terrified of something. Quill and I both tried to get him to tell us what was wrong, but he wouldn't listen to either of us." He said frustrated.
I stared at Jacob, biting my lip anxiously—he was frightened.
However, he did not look at me he just continued staring under the hood.
"Then this week, out of nowhere, Embry starts hanging out with Sam and the rest of them. When I last saw him he was out on the cliffs diving with Sam and his groupies." His voice was low and tense.
He finally looked at me and I could see this deep sadness in his eyes.
"Bella, they bugged him even more than they bothered me. He did not want anything to do with them. Now he's following Sam around as if he has joined a cult. Just like with Paul. He was not even friends with Sam at all. Then he stopped going to school. A few weeks he came back and suddenly Sam owned him. I do not know what it means. I cannot figure it out, and I feel like I have to, because Embry is my friend and…Sam is still looking at me funny…and..." he trailed off and I saw tears in the corner of his eyes.
I hugged him and pressed my face against his back.
"Oh, Jake it will be okay!" I promised.
"If it gets worse, you can come live with Charlie and me. Don't be scared, we'll think of something!" I said.
He was frozen for a second then he turned around and hugged me tightly.
His face buried in my shoulder. I could feel him trembling.
"Thanks, Bells." He said and I noticed his voice huskier than usual.
We stood like that for a moment.
I pretended I did not feel the wetness on my shoulder and just patted his back.
This was a true friendship.
Jacob pulled away and smiled.
"You are the greatest Bella." He said.
His voice was light and normal again. He ran his fingers through my hair.
I noticed he had done that a lot lately, ever since I cut my hair. I pulled away quickly, laughing nervously.
"If you keep this up I'm going to get a big head." I was joking.
I slapped his arm laughing at myself.
Jacob laughed with me.
"I think your head would look good big." He said, I puffed my cheeks out and widened my eyes.
"See, what I told you?" he said patting my head.
I smiled blushing.
"Shut up" I said.
Jacob laughed and went to get some more sodas.
I stared at his back wondering if there was something, I could do to make everything better.
I frowned. Maybe I could talk to Embry.
I nodded. That sounded like a good plan.
Jacob tossed me a soda and it slip right through my hands.
"Good catch!" Jacob called from the other side of the garage.
I shrugged, picking up my soda.
"Thanks".
The rest of the day went by quickly after that.
I called Charlie and told him we would be having dinner at Jacob's house tonight. I was going to cheer Jacob up no matter what.
Jacob and I went grocery shopping again. Once we got to his house I made a tomato salad, Steak, buttermilk mashed potatoes, corn, and apple pie. They looked at the salad weirdly but, after seeing the look on my face, they ate it.
"That was good Bella," Charlie said.
Billy nodded.
"You're a great cook." He said.
Jacob smiled at me.
"You would make a great chief." He said.
I blushed.
After dinner, I washed the dishes while Jacob dried.
"I meant what I said you know," he said.
I looked at him.
"I know," I said.
I saw the faraway look in his eye and wondered if he was thinking about Embry.
"Do you want to come over tomorrow and help me redecorate my room?" I asked quickly trying to distract him.
Jacob looked confused.
"What?" he said.
I looked at the sink.
"My therapist said that it was a good idea and I don't want to do it alone." I said.
Jacob nodded.
"Okay" he said.
We made plans to meet tomorrow.
That night I could hardly sleep.
I was worried about Embry. He was always so quiet and friendly.
I could not picture him in a gang or a cult. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.
That night I dreamed of Jacob following Sam over to the edge of a cliff and before I could say anything Jacob ran past me and jumped with him.
"NO!" I shouted and I caught Jacob's hand.
"Let go of my hand," Jacob said.
I shook my head.
"What are you saying?" I said feeling myself sliding forward.
I gripped his hand tighter and tried to pull him up but he was too heavy.
"I think she went this way" I heard a familiar velvety voice say.
Jacob looked at me sadly.
"We don't have time their coming this way." Jacob said.
"You can still get away," Jacob said.
I shook my head.
"Not without you" I said trying to hold on to him.
"Bella, I'm begging you! Let go of my hand!" Jacob shouted.
I felt someone standing behind me.
I turned and saw Embry standing there watching us with cold eyes.
"Please help me save him!" I yelled.
Embry ignored me and stared at Jacob.
"Embry, you know what to do." Sam voice echoed in the air around us.
Embry just continued to stand there.
"That's an order!" Sam said.
Embry reached out his hand toward me and I closed my eyes and let out the breath I had held.
He was going to save Jacob.
Suddenly I felt something sharp sink into my arm.
I looked and saw a huge wolf biting me.
My grip loosened and Jacob fell.
"No!" I shouted.
"Jacob!" the wolf backed away and before I could say anything, he jumped off the cliff and followed Jacob and Sam into the darkness of the ocean.
I clutched my bleeding arm and stood up preparing to follow them.
Then I felt someone grab me from behind and I turned around.
It was the Cullen standing there.
Their eyes glowing red and hungry looks on their faces.
The last thing I saw was Edward launching himself at me and I felt a sharp pain in my neck.
I woke up clutching my neck. I was terrified. I looked out my window and saw that it was morning. I hopped out of bed and started getting ready trying not to think.
After I showered and made Charlie breakfast I threw myself into cleaning up my bedroom.
I cleaned out the closet, except for the trash bag in the back. I washed my bed-spread and my pillow. I still could not completely banish the dream from my mind.
"It was only a dream," I whispered angrily to myself.
After that, I started cleaning and dusting more desperately.
When Jacob arrived, he stared at my bedroom in wonder.
"Wow, you already started cleaning." He said.
I nodded.
"So what do you want it to look like?" Jacob asked.
I frowned.
"I want it to look more like I live here." I said.
Jacob smiled as if he understood.
"Okay, let's get started." He said.
Even though I did not know how I wanted, it to look did not mean that Jacob did not have ideas.
We moved the furniture and started painting. Jacob decided that blue was a good color.
"Bella you got a little paint on your face," Jacob said.
I looked confused.
"Where at on my face?" I asked.
Jacob wiped his paint-covered finger on my cheek.
"Right there" he said laughing.
I laughed too.
"You have paint on you too," I said and rubbed the paint on his arm.
"This means war," Jacob said.
Jacob and I spent that afternoon trying to cover the other in paint.
In the end, we both had more paint covering our bodies than on the walls.
"We should probably clean this mess up." I told Jacob.
He nodded and I went to take a shower.
When I came back, Jacob had painted too whole walls by himself
The painting went by quickly after that.
We went shopping on Sunday morning in thrift stores for furniture and little items. Thrift store shopping was different from shopping at the mall.
People were milling around with baskets full of cool stuff.
"This is great," Jacob, said handing me a quilt.
"Really?" I asked looking at it.
"Oh, yes. Quilts are very you" he said then he draped the quilt over my shoulder like a cape.
"It's quilt girl!" Jacob said.
I laughed and struck a pose.
Jacob was my best friend in the world.
I do not know what I would do without him.
Jacob noticed me staring and waved.
I waved back and went to looking for more stuff for my room.
The morning passed quickly.
Although Jacob and I did not find any furniture, I did find a lot of cool stuff.
Jacob was thrilled to have found a pack of those little glows in the dark stars.
I asked him why he wanted them.
"It's a surprise Bella," he said.
I found several picture frames that Jacob told me that I should buy.
"You should buy something for yourself Bella," Jacob said.
I found some decorative plates for the kitchen too.
I even brought an entire collection of stuffed animals, even though I had no idea what I was going to do with them.
Charlie shook his head at us when we asked him for money to buy more stuff for my room but he gave it to me anyway. We moved stuff around and when we finished my room looked amazing. It had taken a few weeks but it was worth it. My room was blue with yellow suns painted on it. The ceiling was black with glow in the dark stars. I had two nightstand with matching lamps on both sides.
I had picture frames, which Jacob said I would need, on my night stands and my dresser. A pair of matching silver candle sticks with red and pink candles. I had flowers on my windowsill. I had picture frames of different shapes and sizes on the wall. I had flowers in bottles on hooks on the wall. We had mounted a curtain rod and draped a blue and black quilt with yellow butterflies on the wall in front of my desk and I had a plain dark blue one on my bed. My bed was covered in a bunch of small pillows and stuffed animals. I had a yellow patchwork quilt thrown over a rocking chair in the corner of my room.
Hanging on the wall across from my bed there was A Victorian style clock with a cascade of Victorian roses and a long slender full-length mirror under it. I had a bookcase next to my desk, which was filled with all my favorite books and some more stuffed animals. I also had a yellow curtain up over my window and a glass mirror-edged vase that Jacob brought me on my dresser.
"Last but not least the blue rug." Jacob said.
He had found it in town and thought it was perfect for my new room.
He leaned to put in on the floor and noticed one of my floor boards squeaked.
"I can fix that," he said.
I handed him the toolbox and he got to work.
He lifted up the floorboard and gasped.
"What?" I asked.
Jacob pulled out a box.
"What's that?" I asked feeling uneasy.
"I don't know," he said.
He sat it on my desk and opened it.
It was the all the things that He had taken from me when he left.
Tears filled my eyes and made their way down my cheeks. It was the presents they had given me for my birthday and the all the things He had taken from me when He left. The two plane tickets to Jacksonville Florida, the CD of his music on the piano and all the pictures I had of him and the rest of them. I sank to my knees, on the floor, beginning to gasp. He had not taken them with him.
My head swirled dizzily.
I curled into a ball gasping tears streaming down my face. Jacob was by my side instantly.
"What's wrong Bella?" he asked.
I tried to speak but all that came out was a bunch of noises. How could I explain that I was fracturing into little pieces? At least I was not alone. I felt a rush of thankfulness as I realized that.
If I would found that box by myself without Jacob…I could not bear to think about it.
Jacob wrapped his arms around me.
"It's all right Bella," he said softly.
I continued crying. Even though we are not, together …no matter how coldly he treated me….I was still in love with him. I know that, no matter what Ann said, I am not okay, and I will never be okay.
Jacob rocked me gently whispering words of encouragement. That is, one of the things I loved about him, he always tried to help me.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know Bells, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away"
I looked at Jacob surprised. He was slightly off key but he still had a nice voice. It sounded slightly familiar but I could not put my finger on where I had heard it before today.
"The other night, as I lay sleepin'
I dreamed, I held you by my side
When I awoke Bells, I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cry"
Jacob stroked my head as he sang. I could feel the hole in my chest closing quicker than usual.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know Bells, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away"
The song was familiar too. I remember someone singing this song when I was little and I got the chicken pox. Someone stood outside my door singing this song because I could not have visitors.
"You told me once Bells, you really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you left me and you love another
And you have shattered all my dreams"
Jacob's face was pained I wondered if that line had a special meaning to him. I un-curled myself and lay my head on Jacob's chest.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know Bells, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away"
I listened to Jacob's heartbeat wondering why he was always there when I needed him. I knew Jacob wanted more than friendship from me, but he needed to understand. I was broken. I was beyond broken. I was damaged and mentally imbalanced. Jacob deserved better than that.
"I'll always love you and make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me to love another
But you'll regret it all someday"
Was he talking about me and him? I frowned. Did I regret what happened? I regretted that I had not been good enough to make him stay. I could not regret our love though. It had been nice while it lasted.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know Bells, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
Please don't take my sunshine away"
Jacob waited until he was sure that I was done crying then he gently sat me on the bed.
"You okay?" he asked.
I nodded.
Jacob smiled softly then picked up the box that had caused my little episode and closed it. He left the room and came back a few minutes later with some dark chocolate. He handed the candy bar to me and I nibbled on it. It was very good chocolate.
"What happened?" he asked.
I looked at my hands.
"Those were the gifts the he said that he got rid of." I said.
Jacob looked at me and I could tell that he was debating over something with his self.
"What happened between you two anyway?" Jacob asked.
I winced.
"I don't want to talk about it," I said.
Jacob frowned then got up and opened my nightstand.
He pulled out a pen and the journal Ann gave to me... I stared at him confused.
"Write it then" he said.
I shook my head.
"I can't," I said.
Jacob put the pen in my hand and the journal in my lap.
"Yes, you can Bella" he said.
I sighed and took the pen. I started writing surprised at how good it felt to get it off my chest.
When I finished I handed the notebook to Jacob. Jacob handed me another chocolate bar and began reading. He read silently and I wondered what he would say. After he read it, he closed the book and sat it down.
"Bella, he's an idiot," Jacob said.
"What makes you say that?" I asked shocked.
Everyone I knew, other than Charlie, always talked about what a wonderful man he was. He was at the top of his class, good-looking, polite, and rich.
He was a great catch and I was lucky that he stayed with me as long as he did. No one had ever called him an idiot.
"Because" Jacob said "he let you go." Jacob finished.
I shook my head.
"No, it was my fault." I told him.
Jacob frowned.
"It wasn't your fault. He was a jerk, a damned fool. You deserve better." Jacob explained, looking me straight in the eye as he spoke, as if to make a point.
"No, he deserved better. I was not good enough for him. He deserves someone smarter and prettier-" Jacob cut me off.
"What are you talking about? You're beautiful, Bella." Jacob said.
I frowned.
"What? You don't believe me?" he asked surprised.
"No, I don't believe you." I said.
Jacob sighed.
"All right then." He said standing up.
"Get out of bed." Jacob ordered.
I shook my head.
"I'm going to prove to you how beautiful you are." He told me.
He dragged me out of bed and grabbed the keys to my truck.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
Jacob smiled.
"You'll see." He said.
We arrived at a small shop in Port Angeles and Jacob dragged me inside.
"Try this on" Jacob said.
I tried to protest but Jacob pushed me in the dressing room.
I came out wearing the shirt and a skirt, blushing. The shirt was a dark red with a wide neckline that dipped into the low V between my breasts and the skirt was short, black, tight, and stopped four inches above the knee. It looked good on me. I had on a push up bra and black boots.
"Wow! You look hot!" Jacob said.
I blushed, a darker red than my shirt.
"Here, wear this with it" Jacob said handing me a black choker.
I put it on and Jacob took my hand and headed for the counter. He paid for the outfit then took me to a salon. They did my nails, my make up, and they styled my hair into a bun with pieces of hair framing my face.
"Whoa!" Jacob said when they finished.
"Bella, you are gorgeous!" Jacob said.
He walked around me.
"You're so sexy." He said.
"Knock it off". I said.
"But it's true…you're so pretty and amazing." Jacob complimented me.
I blushed and smiled laughing.
"I like your smile best." Jacob said.
"You're gorgeous. You shouldn't put yourself down." Jacob said.
He walked me around town and people stared at us.
"See I told you" Jacob said after another person asked me out.
I turned him down but I noticed Jacob glaring at the boy.
Women had complemented me on my fashion sense and a couple of people invited me to a few parties.
I was tired when Jacob led me back to the truck.
He handed me a bouquet of mixed wild flowers he brought from a man.
All during the ride home Jacob kept talking about how nice I looked.
I could not believe how beautiful I felt in that moment. I had never felt beautiful before, especially not next to the Cull-them. I thought about that box at home. What did it mean? That he could not take the box with him, and that he did not even want memories of our time together.
I looked at Jacob.
"E-Ed-Edward's not coming back for me is he?" I said.
Jacob looked at me surprised. I could not believe I said his name. The pain was severe but I would get through it.
"No matter how long I wait for him he's not coming back. I guess…it really is over." I said and I put my face in my hands, hunching over and cried silently.
I did not want Jacob to know that I was crying again.
However, Jacob noticed the trembling of my shoulders, so he pulled over to the side of the road, and put his arms around me.
"I'm sorry Bella," he whispered in my ear.
"It's okay. Cry it all out. I am here for you. I'll always be here," he said.
I hated to cry in front of Jacob twice in one night. I was glad to be held. Jacob stroked my hair. Crying with Jacob was always more of a relief than an embarrassment. I could not imagine crying to anyone else. I remembered what Charlie said about me relying too much on Jacob.
I clung to him, unable to pull away.
"Wh-Why do you always have to see me cry?" I sobbed.
"It's not fair," I said.
Jacob smiled softly at me.
"I'm always here when you need me," Jacob said.
When I finally stopped crying, I looked up at Jacob with gratitude. Why did Jacob always have to be so sweet?
"Thank you Jacob" I whispered.
I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek very close to the corner of his mouth. I pulled away and Jacob stared at me for a moment.
I thought that he would want to talk about it but he just chuckled and hugged me.
"You're so sweet Bella," Jacob said.
He patted me on the head and then turned the truck back on.
"Let's get you home." He said
Jacob was so nice to me.
He was always so calm and happy. I wondered if he would always be like this or would he one day decide to leave me just as…I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts.
I could not compare the two of them. What would I do with the box when I got home?
"What's wrong Bella?" Jacob asked.
I did not say anything.
"Tell me," he demanded softly.
"Jacob, I don't want to keep burdening you with my problems," I said.
"You could never be a burden Bella," he said with a slight grin and a furrow of his brow.
"I was wondering what I would do with the box when I got home." I said quietly.
Jacob looked thoughtful.
"What's in there?" he asked.
I told him what was in there and Jacob smiled.
"Keep them," he said.
I looked confused.
"What?" I asked.
Jacob laughed.
"You wanted proof that he was real right?" he asked.
I blushed. I should not have written that down.
"Well you have the proof." He stated.
When we got to my house, Jacob took the pictures of Edward and put them in the picture frames on my dresser. He also put pictures of him and me at his birthday party in the picture frames on my nightstand, and pictures of my mom, Charlie, the pictures I took of my friends.
"There, now everyone important to you is in here." He said.
I smiled at him. Jacob was one of a kind.
"I have to go home now Bella." Jacob said.
I nodded.
"Goodbye Jake" I said.
Jacob paused in the doorway.
Before I could ask what he was doing, he turned around and hugged me tightly.
"I'll see you later." He said.
He let me go and went down stairs. I stood there frozen. I heard him ask Charlie for a ride home. After they were gone, I changed into my pajamas as lay down. Tomorrow I was going to try to get on with my life.
I could not keep putting my life on hold.
"Edward is gone, he left me, and he is not coming back. I am still here though and I am alive." I said to my empty room.
It still hurt to say it aloud but one day the pain would not be as intense. I knew the pain was never going to disappear. That would be too much to ask for. However, maybe one day I could handle it without breaking into tears. That was my goal now.
I needed to stop crying and try to be a stronger person like Jacob.
I thought about Jacob's feelings for me. I felt safe around Jacob and I cared about him more than anyone did but I was not in love with him. I do not think I could ever love anyone again. Edward was the love of my life.
I shook my head. That was not the right word for it.
Edward was the love of my existence.
I would never be able to find another love like that. Jacob deserved someone who could give him all of their heart. I looked at Jacob's smiling face on my nightstand. I loved Jacob. I could admit that. However, I worried was I taking advantage of his kindness and his feelings for me?
I got out of bed and went to my desk. The picture of Edward just sat there. Memories rose to the surface of my mind flashing like scenes from a movie. It hurt. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest. I closed my eyes and imagined Edward was standing beside me with his hand on my shoulder.
"I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." he said.
I turned around and saw than I was alone. I could not do this. If I still felt this way about Edward…if I am still so unstable…I will end up hurting Jacob. I did not want that to happen. I wanted him to, always, be that happy. However, I did not want to lose Jacob either. How do I really feel about Jacob?
I felt happy when I was with him. I did not doubt myself with Jacob. Jacob made me feel…beautiful. He made me laugh and he was someone I could be as silly as I wanted around. I could sit in silence with him and I would not feel awkward or uncomfortable. I could say anything and Jacob would understand. Jacob was someone I could rely on and I wanted to be around him constantly.
But that's what friendship was. With Edward, I felt weak at the knees. I felt unworthy of such perfection. I felt like I was in a fairytale. As if, we were Romeo and Juliet. I felt utterly devoted to him. He was flawless and amazing.
The way I felt for Jacob was not like with Edward. If he were with me, I would just bring him down with me. Maybe if I put some space between us then he would finally be able to move find someone else. Someone more pretty than I was. Someone more stable. Someone who was not damaged or as broken as I was. I frowned.
Jacob needed someone kind and happy. I tried to ignore the twinge I felt at the thought of Jacob with somebody else. I could not be selfish. Jacob deserved the best. He needed to find someone as beautiful inside as he was. I snuggled into my bed, pulled my quilt over my head, and closed my eyes. I made a mental note of all the people who I needed to make amends with after the way I acted all these months. I would start tomorrow.
Author's note: So Bella's changing. What are your thoughts? Do you really believe that Bella will be able to keep her distance from Jacob? Send in your song ideas and any other ideas you have. Don't forget to review or Pm your thoughts!
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