Disclaimer: I do not Twilight or any songs on Bella's CD!
Chapter 9: The second stage/ Time for a change!
"It weren't too loo long before I seen something in me, had changed. A bitter seed was planted inside of me. And I just didn't feel so, accepting, anymore."
― Kathryn Stockett, The Help
I woke up several times during the night. I was not sure what woke me up but each time I woke the image of Jacob's sad miserable face quickly filled my mind and made my heart ache.
Not seeing Jacob would be tough.
I decided to get a head start on the list of things I needed to change. I decided that the first person I needed to focus on was Charlie. He had been so worried about me and I wanted to make us closer. I woke up early and ironed Charlie's uniform for him.
I started fixing a nice breakfast and I wondered how I would broach what I wanted to talk about with him.
"Hey Bella, did you iron my uniform?" Charlie asked as he entered the kitchen.
I smiled and turned away from the stove.
"Yes, I did… Dad" I said.
That was something that I needed to work on.
I would try to think of Charlie as Dad from now on.
I handed Char- I mean Dad the paper and a cup of coffee.
"Good morning Dad" I said.
I kissed him on the cheek and turned back to the stove.
"What's for breakfast?" Charlie asked after he got over his shock at my actions.
I set a plate of scrambled eggs, ham, toast, and a grapefruit in front of him.
"A healthy breakfast for my hard working Dad" I said.
Charlie raised an eyebrow.
"Are you okay Bella?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Yeah dad" I said sitting down across from him eating my own breakfast and cutting out coupons.
"Maybe this weekend we could go fishing just the two of us," I suggested.
Charlie dropped his fork.
"But you hate fishing. Last time I tried to talk you after your visit to the therapist you bailed." Charlie said.
I shrugged.
"I think it will be fun" I lied.
Charlie nodded but still looked confused.
"So what are you going to do today?" I asked.
We chatted for a while and I forced myself to pay attention.
"Well I've got to get to work," Charlie said standing up.
I stood up to and handed him a brown lunch bag.
"I made you a turkey sandwich with mustard, and a mixed salad." I said.
Charlie took the bag gratefully and left.
After I washed the dishes; I called and made an appointment with Ann for this afternoon, then grabbed my backpack.
I had started trying to bond with Char-Dad.
This may take some getting used to. I made it to school on time and hung out with Angela before class.
I sent Jacob a good morning text, usually I would call, but hearing Jacob's voice might ruin everything.
School was another place that needed work, I had zoned out for so long that people forgot I existed. I spent the rest of the day participating in all my classes.
Teachers were surprised that I was talking again.
I chatted up classmates, who I had never talked to before, in the hall and signed up for a couple of clubs.
I sat with Angela and Mike joined us.
"Hi Bella" he said taking the chair to my right.
"Hey" I said not interested.
Mike Newton was not on my list of relationships to fix.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out.
It was a text from Jacob.
'School sucks, I'm so bored right now'
I smiled and began typing back.
"So, Bella are you busy this weekend?" Mike asked.
I ignored him.
'I'm with you there Jake'
I typed. Mike did not seem to notice that I had not responded.
"Because I was hoping you would go see a movie with me," Mike said.
"What?" I asked looking at him.
"Will you go to the movies with me?" he asked.
I frowned.
"I have plans this weekend." I said then went back to texting.
'So, what are you doing after school?'
I paused to think.
Jacob and I had been spending so much time together. I told myself that I would put some distance between us.
I typed back something and turned my phone off. Texting had been a bad idea.
'I have plans'
I turned back to Mike. He was staring at me funny.
"Plans with that boy in La Push that you spend all your time with," He said.
I stared at him as if he were crazy.
"So what if I am?" I asked.
Mike frowned.
"Are you dating him or something?" he asked.
"No, were just friends" I said.
Mike sighed in relief.
"So what grade is he in anyway?" Mike asked trying to be nonchalant.
"He's a sophomore." I said cheerfully.
"Oh," Mike said, surprised.
After a second though, he smiled.
The rest of the day flew by quickly after that. I made plans to hang out with Angela and Leah later on after my visit with my therapist.
"I was surprised when I heard you scheduled an earlier meeting. How have you been Bella?" Ann asked.
I looked at my feet.
"I'm not sure," I said.
One minute I felt great then felt miserable.
Ann looked puzzled.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I found the things that Edward took," I said quietly.
Ann waited patiently for me to explain.
"When Edward l-left me he said that it would be as if he never e-existed so to make it a clean break he took everything I had that reminded me of him. Jacob and I found the box last night," I said.
"Where was the box?" Ann asked.
"Under the floor boards in my room" I said.
Ann furrowed her brows and pulled out her note pad.
"Why would he do that?" she asked.
I flinched remembering my thoughts from last night.
"Because he didn't want any memories of our time together and he didn't want me to have any memories either." I said.
"Why didn't he want you to have any memories of him, Bella," Ann said.
Part of me wanted to shy away from the memories but I promised that I would try. I took a deep breath but I still could not get the words out.
"It's alright Bella," Ann said.
Ann looked at me sympathetically.
"I'm going to ask you a few questions about Edward okay?" she asked.
I nodded and wrapped my arms around myself preparing to face the pain head on.
"Has Edward ever driven a car recklessly while you were with him?" she asked.
I thought about that night all those months ago.
I nodded.
Ann wrote something down.
"Did he ever go through your personal belongings without asking?" she asked.
I nodded again not seeing where this was going.
"Did he ever criticize things that were important to you?" she asked.
I thought about my books that Edward always used to make fun of and then read them anyway.
"Yes" I said.
"Has he ever hit, slapped, or pushed you?" she asked.
I thought about my birthday party when Edward pushed me into the table.
"Yes, he pushed me once but I was in danger and it was for my own good!" I defended.
Ann sighed and shook her head.
"Did he sometimes act as if he was doing you a favor by dating you?' she asked.
"No! I just felt that way," I said.
"Did you ever feel as if he was trying to run your life?" she asked.
I shook my head but I felt doubt creeping in.
This went on for a while Ann asking questions about Edward and me answering them.
After I finished Ann looked at me with compassion.
"What?" I asked worriedly.
Ann sighed and placed her note pad on her desk.
"Bella, you and Edward scored very high on the check list of emotionally abusive relationships," she stated.
I shook my head in denial.
"Edward never abused me in any shape or form!" I shouted angrily.
"He was the perfect boyfriend," I said.
Ann stood up and handed me her note pad.
"Read it," she said quietly.
I looked down and gasped.
Signs Of Emotional Abuse:
1. Driving a Car Recklessly To Scare You
2. Going through Your Personal Belongings without Permission
3. Criticizing Things That Matter To You
4. Pushing or Throwing You across A Room, Down Stairs, Or Into A Wall
5. Seems Too Good To Be True: Picking You Up and Dropping You Off, Always Somewhere around You
6. Says Things Such As You're No Good or Not Good Enough
7. Makes You Feel Like You Cannot Do Anything without His Help
8. Restricting and Controlling
9. Ever Tried To Make You Choose Between Him and Your Family
10. Keeps Track Of Where You Are, Or Where You Went
11. Always Threatening To Leave You
I stared at the list mentally checking of things. I closed my eyes then opened them and balled up the sheet of paper.
"Edward was old fashioned okay?" I said.
Ann did not say anything for a log moment.
"Okay, we'll drop it for now" Ann said.
Ann noticed my sadness and switched topics suddenly.
"How is Jacob?" she asked.
I frowned and sank in my chair.
"I've decided to distance myself from him for the time being." I said.
Ann's eyes widened.
"Why," she asked surprised.
I explained the events of last night.
"So, because you love Edward you're going to stop being friends with Jacob?" she asked looking at me as if I were insane.
I nodded.
"I can't give Jacob the kind of love he deserves. He needs to find a better girl." I stated.
Ann frowned.
"Why can't you give him the love you think he deserves?" Ann asked.
I sighed.
"I'll never love anyone ever again." I told her.
"You shouldn't give up on love Bella. When those you love deeply reject you, or leave you, your heart will be broken. However, that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love more fruitful." Ann said.
"You really need to stop putting yourself down Bella," Ann said.
"I'm not putting myself down. I'm just telling the truth." I said quietly.
Ann raised an eyebrow.
"Have you always felt like this or is this something that happened recently?" Ann asked.
I shrugged.
"I've always been aware of my flaws." I said.
Ann looked thoughtful.
"Bella, I have an assignment for you." She said.
"What kind of assignment?" I asked.
Ann smiled.
"I want you to write a list of all your strengths and positive attributes. In addition, I want you to have four other people write lists for you also. You have until our next meeting." Ann said.
I frowned.
"Seriously?" I asked.
Ann nodded.
"And I want you to remember this Bella; you don't need anyone or anything to make you happy." she said.
I remembered the changes I wanted to make and thought that maybe I should talk to Ann about it.
"So what exactly do you want to change?" Ann asked after I explained.
I looked at my freshly manicured nails. Jacob had convinced me to get sunflowers painted on them for a boost of happiness.
"I want to stop crying and being weak. I want to be stronger. I want to figure out who I am or at least who I was before Edward left me." I said.
Ann smiled and leaned forward.
"How can I help?" she asked.
I took a deep breath.
"I don't really know what to do. I already started trying to fix things with Charlie. I am trying to become more involved in school but I do not know what is missing. My life is such a mess." I said frustrated.
Ann gave me a patient smile.
"As long as you realize that you need change in your life then you are on the right track." Ann said.
We talked for a while and made a list of things I needed to accomplish and people I needed to fix things with.
As I stood up and prepared to leave, Ann stopped me.
"Wait" Ann, said.
She pulled out a card from her pocket.
"This is a business card of a healing group therapy. They meet Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6pm to 8pm. I think that it would be good for you to sit in on one of their meetings." Ann said.
I took the card ready to throw it away, and then I froze.
Had I not just said that I was going to change?
I put the card in my pocket and smiled.
"Thank you Ann" I said.
"Also maybe you should ask Jacob what type of love he wants before you throw away your friendship!" Ann yelled as I closed the door.
I told myself that I would stay away from Jacob for a month.
Jacob apparently was not about to happen.
He called the next day but I did not answer the phone. Wednesday he called every five minutes until well after midnight.
"Will you just answer the phone for Jacob? He is getting on my nerves." Charlie said.
The phone rang then, shrill and demanding.
"That's him again, I'd bet my next paycheck," Charlie muttered leaving the room.
I sat by the phone the entire time with tears in my eyes desperate to hear the warmth of Jacob's voice.
Thursday he got a ride, with Harry, over to the house and I snuck out the back door.
I spent the night over Angela's house. Charlie tried to talk to me about Jacob but I kept changing the subject.
The next week on Friday after school, I was talking to Angela about the book club meeting on Monday that is when I saw him. I would know him anywhere, even if he had not been parked next to my truck leaning against his black motorcycle that I brought him. I stared at him in shock.
I noticed other faces, too – the faces of my classmates. I noticed how their eyes widened as they took in all six foot six inches of Jacob's long body. I raked my eyes over his tight dark blue T-shirt – short sleeved, thought the day was unseasonably cool – his ragged dark grease- smeared jeans.
I noticed a couple of girls staring at him with lust and felt my stomach churn. I glared at them silently telling them to back off. I stopped when I remembered that Jacob was not my property.
I looked at Jacob and waited for him to say something.
"Hey, Bella" Jacob said quietly.
His husky voice sent a wave of wistfulness through me.
A thousand memories spun in my head; tangling together – a rocky beach strewn with driftwood trees, a garage made of plastic sheds, warm sodas in a paper bag, a tiny room with one too small shabby love seat. The laughter in his deep-set black eyes, the warmth of his hand around mine, the flash of his white teeth against his dark skin, his face stretching into the wide smile that had always been like a key to a secret door where only kindred spirits could enter, and most surprisingly the kiss we shared at his birthday party.
I cleared the lump from my throat.
"H-hey," I said nervously as I noticed that for once he was not smiling.
"Why have you been avoiding me?' Jacob asked.
"I wasn't avoiding you" I lied.
"Don't lie. Are you mad at me for something?" Jacob asked.
I looked at him puzzled.
"I'm not mad at you. Why would I be mad?" I asked.
Jacob shook his head.
"If you weren't avoiding me and you're not mad at me then why didn't you call me back?" Jacob asked in a mixture of hurt and anger.
His hurt tone instantly made me guilty.
I tried to come up with an excuse but failed.
"Jacob, could we talk about this later?" I asked.
I wanted Jacob to drop it but I could tell that he was not going to let it go.
Jacob snorted.
"What's wrong with now?" he asked.
I looked around and noticed people staring at us. Girls were staring at me eyes filled with jealousy and a few people looked curious.
"So what did you want Jacob?" I asked.
He hesitated.
"Nothing really, I guess…I just…I wanted to hear your voice." He said sadly.
I looked into his sad heartbroken expression and felt a pull towards him. I wanted to comfort him and tell him that I wanted to hear his voice too.
Instead, I forced myself to act indifferent.
"Okay then" I said trying to go around him and get in my truck.
Jacob blocked my way.
"Wait Bella!" Jacob said grabbing my arm.
"I have to go," I said knowing if I stayed near him any longer I would fall into his arms and cry.
Jacob let go of me.
"How about after you finish whatever you're doing, come see me." Jacob said, a tiny hint of a smile playing around the edges of his mouth.
"Jake…" I said softly.
Jacob leaned forward suddenly.
"Please Bella?" he begged.
"I don't know about that, Jake," I said looking at the ground.
Jacob's face fell.
"I miss you everyday Bells. It is not the same without you. These two weeks have been horrible. Stuffs happened and I…" He said.
"I know and I'm sorry Jake, I just…" I trailed off.
He shook his head and sighed.
"I know. You are busy right. I guess I will survive somehow. Who needs friends?" he grimaced, trying to cover the pain with a thin attempt at bravado.
I noticed the bags under his eyes and the way he was swaying at his feet.
Jacob's suffering trigged something inside me, something protective and irrational. I reached out my arms and wrapped them around his waist.
"I'm sorry," I said.
Jacob hugged me back tightly and buried his face in my neck inhaling deeply.
I felt his body relax completely. What had been going on that had him so tense?
"I didn't mean to hurt you Jacob," I told him.
"Then why did you avoid me Bella? I don't understand," he said.
I decided to tell him the truth.
"Because I don't know how I feel." I said.
"What?' Jacob asked pulling away slightly.
I sighed.
"To be honest, I've been relying on you a lot lately. You make me feel safe, happy, and beautiful and I am thankful; for that. But I feel as though that's not the best thing for me, Jake" I told him.
Jacob was confused.
"Why?" he asked and I let go of him and put some distance between us.
"Because I am still in love with Edward and I was worried that I was using you so that I don't have to deal with the fact that I am broken. I am keeping you from being happy and dragging you down with me. I am just leaning on you and I have not tried to stand on my own two feet yet." I said sadly.
"Bella…" Jacob said but I interrupted him.
"I'm sorry Jacob. I am still in love with Edward but you are more than my best friend Jake. You are like my other half and I do not want to lose you. But it's unfair of me to keep you bound to me." I said.
Jacob stared at me for a minute.
"But you like me right?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Better than any other guy?" he asked.
I nodded and gave him a small smile.
"Better than I like the girls too." I stated.
"And you like being with me, right?" he asked.
I nodded.
"I don't think I could ever not like being around you." I told him honestly.
Jacob shrugged.
"As long as you like being around me and you think I am sort of good looking then it's fine with me." Jacob said.
"But I am not going to change and it's not right of me to keep you from all the other people you could meet who could make you happier than I ever could." I said and though I tried to keep my voice normal, you could hear the sadness in it.
"But Bella I don't want anyone else!" he declared loudly.
I sighed. "It doesn't matter; I'm always going to love Edward." I whispered.
Jacob's face was thoughtful.
"So you'll never love anyone again?" he asked.
I nodded avoiding eye contact.
"How could I? He was my first love, the love of my existence." I said holding a hand over the hole in my heart.
"I'll never love anyone as much as I loved him." I said.
Jacob frowned.
"So you're condemning yourself to a life of solitude for someone who left you?" he asked angrily.
I looked away from him.
"I love him." I repeated.
Jacob shook his head.
"Everything is always about Edward! I know he was your first love but that does not mean that he has to be your last love. That is why it is called a first love because there is supposed to be a second love too!" he said and I stared at him speechless.
He looked at me sadly.
"I have always liked you Bella. You are my best friend." He said brushing the hair out of my face.
"I understand that you still have feelings for Edward and that is what's holding you back but don't get mad at me for sticking around, okay?" Jacob asked cupping my face in his hands.
"Because I am not giving up on this, Bella. I'm going to wait for you. I've got all the time in the world." He said.
I sighed sadly.
"You shouldn't waste it on me." I said, though I wanted him to.
Especially if he was willing to except me the way I was _Damaged Goods_ as is.
"I don't know what you like so much about me. I'm nothing special." I mumbled.
Jacob's eyes narrowed.
"I like how cute you look when you are when you get that troubled expression on your face. I love it when you smile. I like it when you slap my shoulder when you tell a joke. I never felt the way I feel about anyone but you." He said.
I opened my mouth to say something but Jacob kept talking.
"I love your hair, the color, that wonderful smell of vanilla and strawberries. I love that you are not like other girls. I love that you are fun and easy to talk to about anything. I love that you always listen. I love the sound of your voice. I love-" Jacob's eyes were glowing and I knew that he could keep going.
This was not just a crush for Jacob. I felt a blush rise to my cheeks and butterflies flutter through my stomach.
This always happened to me when I was around Jacob.
I looked into his eyes, which were so happy all the time, unlike mine.
I wondered if one day my burdens would get so heavy that they would crush that light too. I had to put an end to this, before someone got hurt. I pulled away from him.
"Don't be so quick to fall in love with me!" I shouted.
Jacob stared at me.
"I'm not some car you can fix up. I am never going to run right. I'm damaged goods Jacob!" I finally admitted.
"I can't even hold myself together anymore! I still feel pain every time I think about Edward and the Cullens." I feel tears prick in the corners of my eyes but I pushed them back.
"I'm an empty shell. Like an abandoned house – condemned and you deserve better than that. You deserve better than me!" I said.
Jacob frowned. "You really believe that, don't you?" he asked.
I nodded.
"That's not true Bella. There is no one better for me than you, Bells. I want you to know that I am always going to be here. I will not let you down I promise that you can count on me. I will never leave you." He said fiercely.
"I know that and I already count on you more than you know." I whispered.
Jacob sighed.
"Even though I know we can never turn back time I wish I had got to you first, when you came to Forks. So that I could stop you from getting hurt." He said.
"I know you've had a tough time but it's going to get better. You do not have to get through this all by yourself. It is okay to rely on me sometimes. That is what friends are for Bella. Also, I don't mind that you're still in love with Edward I just want to stay by your side." Jacob said brushing my hair out of my face.
I stared at him amazed as the sun shined behind him. Jacob was not just 'sort of' beautiful.
He was breathtakingly beautiful. I wanted to say something but I could not speak.
He looked at me then at my truck.
"Now that we've talked and got all our issues cleared up, want to go for a ride on my bike?" he asked.
I looked at his motorcycle.
"Okay," I said.
Jacob hopped on his bike and I got on the back. He handed me a helmet.
"Just to be safe," He stated.
"Don't drive too fast." I said fearfully.
"Yes, sir," he said and snapped a military salute before he kicked it to a start.
The engine snarled and the tires squealed as he spun it sharply around.
In a matter of seconds Jacob and I were flying. There was wind that was not there before, blowing through my clothes with enough force it felt as if someone was tugging on it. I wrapped my arms tighter around Jacob a large smile spreading over my face. Jacob and I rode all over Forks. He eventually drove us to La push.
We walked to the secret place he had found with his mother. We sat in the grass in silence for a few minutes.
Jacob looked at me and I could see that he wanted to ask me something.
"What?" I asked.
Jacob gave me a serious look.
"Will you do something for me Bella?" Jacob asked.
"Anything," I said.
Jacob smirked.
"Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to say anything when you don't know what I want yet" he said.
I waited.
"Tell me about Edward," Jacob said.
I gasped.
I had already told Ann about Edward so that should make it easier.
"Why do you want to hear about Edward?" I asked.
Jacob sighed.
"Bella you told me that I was like the other half of you right? Then will you trust me enough to tell me about Edward? Tell me everything and maybe you can get rid of his shadow hanging over you. I want to know what made him so important Bella. I want to know how I can free you of him," he said.
"Tell me…all of It." he said.
I looked into his eyes and could not deny him.
I began to talk softly.
"I first saw him in the lunch room-", I drew in a deep shuddering sigh as I began again.
Holding Jacob's hand, I told him about Edward's constant battle with being around me. I told him everything, about the car incident, about Port Angelus, I even told him about James. I told him how I always felt so insecure and plain next to Edward and how lucky I was that he wanted to date me.
I told him about the birthday party, about Edward stealing (And Hiding) all my memories of him and would not let me say goodbye to his family. I told him everything, leaving out the supernatural parts…
I laughed sadly, looking up into Jacob's eyes.
"And when he left, I felt like such a fool for believing that someone like him could actually love me."
Tears glimmered in my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I pulled my hand from Jacob. He waited until I was done speaking before he let out the breath he had been holding.
"Bella, why did you want to be with someone who you never believed could really love you?" he asked.
I glared at him.
"It's none of your business!" I snapped.
"Yes it is Bella. Edward hurt you and you're trying to make sure that nobody else hurts you again." Jacob said.
I frowned.
Was that what I was doing?
I looked at Jacob.
I did not believe that Jacob could ever intentionally hurt me.
"I don't believe that," I told him.
I put my hand on his shoulder.
"Jacob I trust you more than anyone. I just can't-" I broke off.
Jacob gave me a smile.
"It's okay Bella," he said and I saw traces of my friend coming back.
"I just want to stop feeling hollow," I said.
Jacob nodded.
"I understand," he said standing up.
"Let's get you home," he said.
Then we rode his motorcycle back to my truck. We made plans to spend the next day together. He was about to leave but then he turned around and walked back over to me.
"I heard what you said before. I understand what you were telling me." He said in a low husky voice.
"But I just want see if I can stop the hollowness with this…" I felt his hand tip my chin up.
Then soft, warm, slightly opened lips touched mine.
My eyes slip closed and the gentle pressure of his mouth lingered. Without breaking the kiss, he pulled me lightly against him and my arms wrapped around his sides. He moved his hand slowly to my back holding me tighter as he deepened the kiss. The whole in my heart filled with warmth, and happiness. There was no pain only the thrumming of my heart filling my own ears. My lips parted slightly and my face flushed in pleasure. I felt his hand on my neck, tangling itself in my hair.
My heart hammered everywhere as he tugged gently and pulled back.
I looked at Jacob's face expecting to see something that would explain what had just happened.
Instead, I found Jacob's eyes closed and a large smile on his face.
"Wow" he said.
He opened his eyes and stared at me with amazement.
"That was perfect." He said softly.
"I'll see you tomorrow." He said getting on his bike and then he was gone leaving me dazed and trembling.
When I got home I saw Edward picture sitting on my dresser staring at me.
I stared at the photo feeling guilty. I did not understand why I felt guilty though. Edward did not want me anymore.
I thought about what Ann said and about Jacob's confession.
Edward was ruining my life and he was not even here to see the results in person. Before I could think about what I was doing, my fist slammed into Edward's face breaking the glass in the frame.
"Damn you, Edward, damn you!" I shouted.
I lay my forehead on my dresser and tears slid down my cheeks as I indulged in the memory of his face, his voice, his body, his words, and all the things I had thought that I could trust. Suddenly anger coursed through my body. My head jerked up and I threw the frame across the room against the wall watching it shatter. I dragged my arm across my face and wiped away all traces of tears.
"I'll get over you, Edward!" I said angrily.
"You Fucking Bastard!" I screamed.
I was enraged, anger, hate, pain were clouding my vision.
"You good for nothing piece of shit!" I growled.
His conversations, his actions, and his feelings all of it was a fucking lie!
"I loved you! I offered you my soul you asshole!"
I was overcome with the thoughts that I tried to block out. My fist was clenched tightly.
"You took everything away from me and brought me into your world just so that you could break me and leave me in pieces on the ground!" I stomped the frame breaking more glass.
Luckily, Charlie was not home yet.
"You ruined everything!" I yelled.
I looked over at the rocking chair in the corner where he used to sit at night and watch me sleep. I could see him slouched over, his heel rocking the chair, teasing me with those gorgeous golden eyes and those cold lips that house his venom coated teeth.
"Were you laughing at me? Did you think it was funny listening to me talk about you in my sleep?" I asked.
I looked around remembering everything. Edward…Edward…he had been everywhere. He had touched everything.
I could see him sitting at my kitchen table not eating just watching me eat making me feel insecure. I could see Edward sitting next to me, in the passenger seat of my truck, insulting the speed and the gas mileage. Edward playing the piano, playing a song he claimed he wrote for me, Edward sitting on my bed watching my every move and silently judging me. Edward with his face of an angel, who made me feel so plain standing next to him. Edward, who spoke so eloquently and always managed to confuse me.
I pulled the photo out of the pile of shatter glass and stared at it.
"You never loved me at all did you?" I asked quietly.
I balled the picture up.
"That's why you didn't turn me into a vampire. That is why I always felt so uncertain." I said.
I shook with anger so intense that my face was red.
"I'll never forgive you!" I shouted ripping up the picture.
The hole in my chest burned the pain transforming itself into anger and resentment.
"You took my heart and dragged it through the woods with you. Did you hide in the trees and watch as I stumbled through the forest for hours calling your name. Did you hear me with your super vampire hearing?" I asked.
I looked toward my window.
"You took my hopes and my dreams and left me with only emptiness and a hollow feeling. If it wasn't for Jacob-" I stopped.
I thought about Jacob, the only pure thing in my life. I thought about that kiss. I could not corrupt such a nice memory with my darkness.
"You are not coming back for me because you never loved me in the first place." I stated. I left my room and headed to the kitchen where I made spaghetti and sat down at the table alone with Edward's image shimmering next to me as if he were suiting there watching me.
"Damn you Edward if you ever come back expecting to haunt me and take over my life again you will be sadly disappointed." I muttered.
Deep in my gut, I felt a change coming. Now that my pain had given way to anger, I wondered if I would ever be completely happy, or would I always feel this mad.
After Charlie came home, I asked him about his day.
"More hikers were found dead I the woods last night." Charlie said.
I could see that this news had saddened him.
"I keep telling these people not to go in the woods but nobody ever listens." Charlie was frustrated.
I got up and got him another beer out of the fridge.
"It will be okay dad," I told him.
We sat and watched the game.
Charlie was trying to explain to me the difference between defense and offense.
I was still confused but I tried not to show it. Before bed, I wrote an email to René letting her know about all that was going on. Charlie had told her that I was in therapy and she was worried.
After telling her that I was doing well and that I was not, taking any medication I put in Jacob's CD and laid down. "Hey Bella," Jacob's voice played. "I picked this song for a reason," he said. The music started playing.
I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you and I'm wishing you would come back through my door,
Ooh
Why did you have to go? You could've let me know
So now I'm all alone
I wondered if this was really how Jacob felt when I was avoiding him. It made me guilty. I remembered that Embry was also avoiding him and that Sam was looking at him funny and I rolled over in my bed to face Jacob's picture. He had enough things to worry about.
Girl, you could have stayed but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more than I can stand,
Ooh
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?
Why did I turn away? I thought that I was doing what was best for Jacob but was that the real reason.
"I'm scared," I whispered aloud.
I was scared that one day I would become such a heavy burden that I would crush Jacob's spirits the way Edward crushed me.
So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be
It was not my pride that made me run; it was me, just me. I was not afraid of Jacob. There was nothing to be afraid of when it came to him.
Was I lying to myself?
Did I want things to be different?
Yes, but I did not want the same things Jacob wanted.
So baby, I will wait for you
'Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby, I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do,
I'll wait for you
Would Jacob really wait for me? Part of me I hoped not. I was a loss cause.
However, a part of me wanted him to.
More than anything in the world and I did not understand why.
Been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me?)
You got to be feeling crazy
How can you walk away?
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back?
Girl, I told you what it is and it just ain't like that
No, why can't you look at me?
You're still in love with me
Don't leave me crying
Was this really, how Jacob felt?
I could never forget about him. Maybe I was a bit crazy but I did what I thought I had to do.
I was not in love with Jacob though. He was my best friend and I loved him.
Baby, why can't we just, just start over again?
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But you're telling me it won't be enough
I could not give Jacob a chance, not as long as I still harbored feelings for Edward.
I growled.
Just thinking his name made me angry enough to punch someone. I punched my pillow a couple of times.
So baby, I will wait for you'
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby, I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do, I'll wait for you
I'll be waiting
I fell asleep and with my last conscious, I wondered how long Jacob would be willing to wait.
I dreamed of a man coming closer to me.
I could make out his shape. His broad shoulders and his tall height but I could not make out his face.
As he came closer, my heart began to beat faster and faster. Was it fear…or was it something else?
The man held out his arms and against my will, I went to him. I put my hand in his and he pulled me to him.
With a gasp I fell against him, my head nestled against his chest and I could feel his lips pressed against my ear.
"I'm tired of waiting Bella," he growled.
"Who are you?" I asked.
The man pulled back and dipped his head towards mine.
"Jacob?" my voice was a whisper of denial.
Jacob glared at me and before I could say anything else, his mouth covered mine roughly.
Only instead of pain, I felt pleasure. I instinctively kissed him back savoring the taste of his lips.
"Why can't you just love me back?" Jacob whispered pulling away.
I reached for him wanting desperately to kiss him some more. I looked up into his face and saw the pure anguish in his eyes.
"I do love you Jacob," I whispered trying to pull him back into my arms.
Jacob stepped back shaking his head.
"Why can't you just love me half as much as I love you Bella?" he asked.
"I do love you!" I said.
Jacob looked away from me.
"I'm through waiting for you…" he said and vanished.
"Jacob….no…NO...Don't Go…Please…I Love You…Don't leave me!" I screamed then I fell to my knees screaming, begging him to come back.
I woke up suddenly, thrashing in my bed and crying.
I thought about the dream and jumped out of bed running to the bathroom.
I barely made it to the toilet before I emptied my stomach.
"What is wrong with me?" I asked aloud.
I thought of Jacob's resigned face as he left and threw up some more.
I needed serious help.