Chapter 7
It's been over four weeks, and I'm finally able to sit up and move more. My sides still hurt but certainly not as much as before. The most I can do is sit up and barely stand on my feet without almost falling over because of the pain. Maggie comes into my cell to help me bathe at least once a week. It's not so odd for me since I've been through stuff like this. Carl comes in at times to talk to me about random things; he and I have been reading through comics that Michonne brings for him from errands. Daryl comes in for a visit to tease me about how cripple I am every now and then. I threaten him and say that he's going to pay for teasing me once I make a full recovery. Beth comes in everyday with Judith; we have conversations about life as I play with Judith on my bed. Hershel comes in every so often to check up on my condition and to just talk as well. He's becoming a lot like a father figure to me, and he's even expressed that I'm becoming like one of his daughters; he feels like he needs to watch over me as a parent-figure after I explained to him that my mother had passed away when I was twelve and my father died while I was in the military. Like Rick, Hershel admires me for my strong mind and spirit and lets me know that he's there if I ever need him. Rick has been acting a bit odd lately; he is a bit fickle with his actions. Some days he may visit me almost every time I'm awake for my meal and medication time, and other days he might not visit me at all. Hershel says that Rick's just been busy with tasks and that he's probably confused about what he might be feeling for me or may be in denial like I am.
It's some time in the middle of the day. Maggie is helping me bathe in my cell. I'm sitting naked on a chair as she is kneeling in front of me, squeezing the water out of a sponge into a large bucket of water. Light emits through the curtain that covers the doorway of my cell. I look down at the ground, slouching a bit to try to avoid any pain. My mind wanders into deep thoughts about my feelings for Rick. Maggie looks over at me and sees that I'm quiet.
"What are ya thinkin' about?" she asks, breaking the silence. "You seem awfully quiet…that's not like you."
I snap out of my thoughts and turn my gaze at her.
"Well, I am sitting naked in this chair in front of you," I joke with a smile.
"I know that's not what it is…" Maggie says as she takes my leg and begins to scrub it gently with the yellow sponge. "You've become used it…You have the pensive face of a woman whose heart is confused."
I look at her in surprise and lower my gaze in defeat. She smiles and begins to scrub my other leg.
"How can you tell?" I ask in a curious tone. "I hope I'm not making it that obvious…"
"You're not…I can just recognize it because I've been through that," she answers as she soaks the sponge into the water. "I had gone through that same issue when I met Glen back at my family's farm…I had just met him, but I developed these feelings for him…I couldn't be in denial for long…I came to realize that what I was feelin' for Glen was...love."
I gaze at her, giving her all of my attention. She squeezes the water out of the sponge into the bucket and moves toward me to scrub my back.
"It sounds cliché, but it was love at first sight," she continues. "At first I was in denial because I thought I was just havin' these feelings for him due to him being the only man I may ever have the chance to be in a relationship with…with all that's goin' on in this world…That's what made me angry with myself. It would've been hurtful for Glen if that was the reason why I started a relationship with him, so I pushed him away for a while…But I soon came to realize that what I had been feelin' was actual love. I really am in love with Glen."
"That's beautiful, Maggie," I say to her with a warm smile. "You're very lucky to have someone like Glen. You two make such a great pair."
"My father didn't think like that at first, but he came around," slightly smile. "Glen earned my father's respect…now we're married, I guess you can say," she sheepishly smiles as she holds up her hand to show the wedding ring.
She continues to scrub my back and moves my arm up carefully to scrub my sides. I wince and grit my teeth from the slight pain.
"It's a good thing your father has me drink the medicated tea," I say. "The pain killing additives makes this bathing much less painful for me…still painful, but less…"
Maggie smiles a bit at hearing my words. She dips the sponge into the bucket again, squeezes it, and begins to scrub my other arm.
"My father and I talk about you and Rick," she states, surprising me again. "Glen even sees it…You and Rick are in denial and confusion about your feelings for each other…"
"Is this at all obvious to anyone else?"
"I don't think so..." she laughs. "We're just able to see it because we know you both well…"
I stare down at the floor in contemplation.
"He always asks about you," Maggie continues as she begins to slowly raise my other arm, causing me to grit my teeth in slight pain. "Whenever he doesn't come in to see you, he asks me or my father how you're doin'…"
"It doesn't feel right…" I interrupt her.
She is confused and looks at me as she continues to gently scrub around my side and back.
"He recently lost his wife…It just doesn't feel right for me to develop feelings for him…" I say in a low voice. "I've only known him for a little over two months…"
"Glen and I only knew each other for some weeks and now look at us," Maggie argues. "I understand you want to respect Rick's former marriage…I commend you for that…But the longer feelings go unsaid and expressed, the more it can do damage to the individuals."
I stay quiet upon hearing her argument and gaze at the floor. She begins to scrub around my chest and stomach gently, trying not to push much force against my aching body. After some scrubs, she then dips the sponge into the bucket of water and has me lean a bit forward. She holds the soaked sponge over my head and squeezes the water out of it. I feel the lukewarm water run through my long, dark curls slowly. Maggie dips the sponge into the bucket and squeezes the water out of it over my head again. I keep my gaze down and watch as drops of water sprinkle down on the floor.
"Carl and Judith come to my mind…" I finally say. "I can't just barge into their family like that."
"Carl is very fond of you," Maggie says as she continues to squeeze water on to my head. "He speaks positively of you around others…You are exactly what he needs in his life: a mother-figure. And soon, when Judith gets older, she'll need one as well…You're the prefect person for that. You can be what saves their family and start a new beginning with them."
I am hit hard with Maggie's words. Once she finishes soaking my hair, she takes a clean cloth and soaks it with some water and hands it to me so that I can clean my face. Maggie then helps me scrub the area in between my thighs and then helps me stand up slowly to clean my back more, down to my buttocks. I slouch over in pain from my sides and cringe as I use the back of the chair for support. Maggie scans my scarred and bruised body with a gaze of sadness.
"Are all of these scars from surviving out here?" she asks as she continues to gently scrub my body.
"Only the stab wound," I reply after a slight gasp. "The rest are from when I served in the military…Been through a lot of shit worse than this," I say with a small laugh.
Maggie is stirred at hearing my answer, amazed at how much I can take physically and emotionally. She scrubs my torso a few more times as I finish wiping my face and neck with the wet cloth.
"Okay, the bathing is finished," Maggie says as she tosses the sponge into the bucket and reaches for the roll of medical tape on the bed. "Now time to wrap you in a new layer of medical tape."
I place the wet cloth on the seat of the chair and continue to support myself by placing my hands on the back of it. Maggie begins to carefully wrap the thick, white medical tape around my torso. Because we obviously don't have the materials to make a cast, we use this thick medical tape as a replacement for any injury. It also makes the healing process take longer. I close my eyes a bit, trying to ignore the pain that's pulsing through my sides.
"Looks like the stab wound has finally healed," she comments after examining it. "I'll let my father know and he'll remove the stitches sometime next week."
I nod as I continue to grit my teeth, gripping the back of the chair tightly. Maggie finishes wrapping the medical tape around my torso and secures it with some duct tape at the end. She then grabs my undergarments and helps me slip them on carefully. She reaches for my long sleeve, navy blue shirt and helps me put it on, along with some black joggers. As soon as we finish dressing me, she helps me get into my bed. I slowly lay my legs out in front of me and continue to sit up.
"I'll have your clothes washed again," Maggie states as she takes my old clothes and places them into a black bag.
"I really appreciate you helping me out with bathing, food and laundry," I smile. "I feel bad for making you go through this…"
"No problem at all!" she states as she cleans the supplies up. "You've been through a lot; you deserve to be taken well care of."
She hands me a towel to place over my hair and takes a seat on the edge of my bed, placing her hand over mine.
"Just think about what I said about Rick…" she says in a soft tone. "He and his family are what you need, too…"
I gaze at her in wonder as she smiles at me. Just then, there's a knock at the doorway.
"Come in," Maggie says as she places the old medical tape into another black bag.
We turn to see Rick walk through the curtain. My stomach turns at the sight of him after having had the conversation with Maggie. His beige sheriff shirt is stained with dirt along with his arms and pants; he's just been working on the farm.
"Hey, it's farmer Rick," I playfully spurt out.
Maggie laughs a bit and Rick cracks a small smile.
"Can I have a moment with Michelle?" he asks looking at the floor, placing his hands on his hips.
"Yeah, she's all clean and patched up!" Maggie says as she turns to me and pats my hand.
Maggie puts her left arm through the loop holes of the bags as she stands up from the bed. She bends down and lifts the bucket up and walks out of the cell with Rick holding the curtain open for her.
"What's goin' on, Rick?" I say as I begin to dry my hair. "What have you been up to today?"
"Just stuff…things…" he answers as he walks further into the cell.
I stare at him through my dark curls as I continue to dry my hair slowly, trying not to move my arms so fast. He stands a foot or two away from my bed.
"Did you eat and take your medication?" he finally asks, glancing at me.
"Yeah, before Maggie helped me bathe," I cover my whole head with the towel.
I attempt to rub the towel quickly against my hair, but move too roughly and feel my ribs ache, causing me to flinch in pain. Rick sees this and quickly moves forward to my bed.
"Let me help you," he says as he places his hands on the towel over my head.
I move my hands away slowly and let him dry my hair.
"Hershel changed my diet yesterday," I say under the towel. "I was so accustomed to the protein shakes that I didn't want to eat anything…I even named the pink straw…"
"What'd you name it?"
"Charlie…"
Rick lets out a soft laugh. He pulls the towel away and looks at me. I look up at him through my messy, damp curls in my face.
"I miss Charlie…" I say sheepishly, and he smiles.
"Well, your face has gotten to heal well," he reaches his hand out to move some of my hair out of my face.
I flinch back a bit which causes him to pull his hand back in surprise.
"I'm sorry…I just had a flashback of the man who beat me," I smile, embarrassed. "Guess that PTSD is still in me…"
Rick gazes at me with a look of sadness in his eyes. I brush my hair that's resting on my face back, revealing the lightly visible bruises on my left cheek. I know he's thinking about how bad the beating must have been.
"Don't worry, I've been through worse," I try to comfort him with humor. "I can handle this."
Rick continues to stare at me with those pensive blue eyes of his. He then looks away with a nod.
"Daryl, Sasha and Tyreese just got back from their errand today," he finally says. "They
found a survivor."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah…A college kid named Zach. I came from interrogating him…asked him some questions."
"The same three questions you asked me?"
"Yeah…" Rick says as he gives me a small smile.
"So he passed your test?".
"Yes he did…" he continues to gaze at me. "He's moved into cell block D with the other survivors."
"Good to know we're helping people…" I say looking toward the wall across the cell. "But that means we'll need to be running on more errands to get more supplies…Ugh, why did I end up like this!" I bury my face into the towel in a bit of frustration.
"Relax, we'll be fine for a while," Rick comforts me. "What you need to continue to do is focus on recoverin'."
"I have the feeling that even after I recover, you won't let me go out on errands anytime soon…"
I eye him suspiciously. He rubs his chin with a small smile and looks down at the floor.
"I know you too well now, Rick," I say with a slight smirk. "Which reminds me…I've wanted to talk to you about something."
He glances at me with a serious look, noticing that I'm giving him a stern gaze.
"How are you feeling?" I ask.
"About what?" he answers, trying to avoid my gaze.
"You know what I'm talking about…You don't use your gun anymore…Hershel has talked to me about that issue…You don't want to take your gun whenever you walk outside the prison gates…I understand why you took Carl's gun away, and I can see that he's doing a lot better the time that I've been here…But you…I notice that you're still recovering mentally and emotionally. That's just as bad as my condition."
Rick gazes down at the floor again. I take a hold of his wrist and he looks at my worried gaze.
"If you need to talk about something, just let me know…" I say in a soft tone. "You have me and Hershel."
Rick stares at me and clenches his jaw a bit in thought. He then turns his gaze to the wall across the cell and stays quiet. I stare at him, waiting for him to say something.
"I feel like I need a break…" he finally says. "I need a break from all this killin'…I just want to live without havin' to shoot my gun once for a while…At least just for a while…That's why I don't carry my gun around and tend to the farm instead…It lets me escape."
I stare at him with empathy in my eyes.
"I understand where you're coming from…" I finally say. "When John died, that's when I decided that I would cease living my life in the line of duty…I did it for Elena. She had already lost her father, and even before then, she had almost lost me many times…So I had chosen to leave the military and became a counselor. Sure, I had kept my gun with me at all times, but it could've been different…Had I become an officer of some sort instead of a counselor, I probably would've been able to save Elena…"
My grip on his hand tightens a bit. Rick gazes at me with sorrow in his eyes.
"All we want is for you to be safe…" I continue. "You need to be able to use your gun so that if something does go down, you are able to react and protect yourself and others – to protect Carl and Judith…I'm not forcing you to do it now or to do it tomorrow. Take your time…I…I just don't want you going through the same thing I did with Elena with Carl or Judith…"
I feel a tear drop roll down my cheek. Rick sees it and wipes it away with his thumb, keeping his hand on my cheek.
"I'll keep my gun on me every so often if it makes you feel better," hesays in a soft voice. "I don't like wearin' it in my holster when I'm workin' on the farm because it gets in the way…But I'll wear it whenever I can."
"Thank you," I give him a smile of gratitude.
"Thank you," he says with a smile as he caresses my cheek with his thumb.
We continue to gaze at each other for a bit longer, but he then removes his hand from my face and looks down at the floor.
"Well…I gotta get back to the farm," he says as he stands up. "Meanwhile, you get some rest. I'm sure the medicine is makin' you drowsy."
"Yep…it is…" I yawn. "You be careful out there and work that field."
He smiles at me before turning and walking through the curtain. I laugh quietly to myself and lay down slowly.
'Farmer Rick…' I think to myself with a smile as I close my eyes.
After a few minutes, I doze off into sleep.