A/N: Oddly enough, I listened to "Incomplete" by The Backstreet Boys during the second half of the chapter, if you'd like to give it a listen while you read... enjoy! :)
And Straight On Till Morning: Take 2
Regina stayed frozen in her chair at the kitchen table. She still had her arms laying on the surface, knuckles white and hands shaking just the slightest, almost unnoticeably. Such a mix of emotions that could have left her screaming, crying, or channeling her former Evil Queen and burning the entire house down, ended up instead, practically immobilizing her where she sat.
She wondered if she could remember the last time she'd felt so small. It wasn't something that really ever happened since leaving her old life behind and it amazed her to realize it may have been the last night with her son in Storybrooke.
This time was different though. This time, there was far less tangible hatred being slung her way and instead, a more aching sadness born from years of regret, pain, and anger simmering away. And this time she wasn't the one to run, but the one left watching the love of their life walk away quietly into the night.
This time, Regina was the one left baring the weight of her choice and this time, she wasn't sure if she could bare it.
Four hours earlier...
Regina cleaned herself up quickly, afraid Henry would return and witness her emotional state and be concerned. She couldn't handle him trying to console her; it wouldn't do either of them any good.
By the time he returned, Regina looked as pristine as ever and it seemed her son didn't suspect a thing. So she gathered up her crutches and Henry helped carry a few boxes as they made their way back down stairs and worked together placing the new books around the center's small make-shift library.
The task didn't last long until Henry noticed the books were all out of order and took it upon himself to place them properly. Regina watched as he meticulously walked around the room, pausing for stretches of time to check out each book as he went. It was almost startling for Regina to realize that for the first time in a long time, she saw her son as a little boy again, so entrapped by the mysterious worlds living within the pages that he would completely lose track of what was really happening around him and focus only on the adventures in front of him. She missed that side of him immensely and more than once, she felt an uncomfortable tugging in her chest.
After a while, Henry was settled into a chair, reading over one of his discoveries when Regina noticed the time. Henry had gotten lost in a book and Regina had let herself enjoy the serenity longer than planned. After finding Susan working in her office, having apparently decided not to interrupt the mother and son afternoon, the three finally left the center and went to retrieve Luca before heading home for what Regina could only assume, would be an interesting evening.
"Interesting", would prove to be the understatement of the day. At least that was Regina's opinion as she stepped cautiously into her house after the long day at the center. She knew it was ridiculous to feel any trepidation about walking into her own home, but between the kiss with Emma and her and Henry's emotional moment in her office, being cooped up with them both in close quarters was unnerving to say the least. Especially considering the discussion she knew had to happen between herself and Emma now, which she was definitely not looking forward to.
Some of the feelings ebbed as she heard the giggling sounds of her daughter, though the sight that greeted her certainly gave her pause. As she stepped into the kitchen, she was instantly greeted with the surprising sight of a generally very shy Lilly in Emma's lap. Emma was helping her mush the hamburger meat in her hands to form patties and it was clear Lilly was enjoying the process.
Regina stood in the doorway until Luca stepped past her absentmindedly and walked into the kitchen, gaining the others' attention.
"Regina." Emma spoke quietly, staring for a few seconds before shaking herself and letting Lilly down from her lap. The little girl ran excitedly towards Regina and the older woman allowed the distraction to help ease some of her nerves.
"Burgers?!" Luca looked around the kitchen and grinned at Emma.
"Yeah, I thought maybe we could do something fun tonight." She looked cautiously at Regina and continued. "I mean it's ground turkey, so it's still kinda healthy, but I think they're gonna be really good." She got only a nod in response, so Emma carried the plate of patties back to the counter and continued prepping for dinner.
"Can I help?"
Emma smiled at Luca and bumped him on the shoulder.
"That would be great."
As the two moved with an ease that had surprised her since the first evening she'd witnessed them cooking together, Regina decided to take a few moments to gather herself and try to relax. She was home and she should be able to find comfort there and so she took some time refreshing herself and dressing in something more comfortable before joining the family once more.
As they sat for dinner, the now familiar awkward silence that joined them so often nowadays fell around them again. Regina chanced a few glances towards Emma, but through most of the dinner, blue eyes stayed fixed downwards. Regina didn't quite realize just how much she had been checking until Emma finally did look up and Regina displayed the epitome of a 'deer in the headlights' expression.
Neither looked away for a few seconds and Regina was so curious to what Emma was thinking. It couldn't have been too horrendous because her lips pulled just the slightest bit outwards before Emma finally broke the stare and Regina went back to eating.
They needed to talk about the kiss. They needed to have a civil and calm conversation about where they were now, as much as it pained Regina to think about that discomfort. She knew Emma was partially right though, she had shown very mixed emotions and while Regina felt she shouldn't be judged so harshly for giving in for a few seconds, it wasn't fair to Emma.
It also didn't escape her to question that if "giving in" meant kissing Emma, then what was that saying about her true feelings?
"Are you all coming to my game tomorrow?" Thankfully, her younger son finally put them out of their misery and ended the silence.
"I want to." Henry was the first to respond and Regina saw Emma's eyebrow raise slightly. "Mom?"
"Oh uh, yeah I'd like to come. I mean I assume I'll be driving anyway." She shrugged and continued eating and Regina resumed as well. Both women missed the satisfied smile on Luca's face as well as the curious expression on Henry's.
As they finished up, everyone took to cleaning up without argument. Despite some tension, the house did feel rather peaceful in a way. Watching all her children moving about and interacting with one another and with Emma as if it was nothing but completely natural, continued to strike Regina.
They fit together. The realization brought a feeling Regina couldn't properly identify as anxiety or excitement. Perhaps it was a bit of both. Or a lot of both.
"Do you have any homework?" Regina stepped in as they were finishing up and placed a hand on Luca's shoulder.
"Just a bit but I have the whole weekend." He tried but Regina tilted her head and just stared until he finished. "Or I could get it done now."
"Very smart decision." She smiled and Luca shifted his eyes in a way that Regina realized came uncomfortably close to a roll. She narrowed her own eyes as he walked away before she looked to Henry. "What about you?" She asks him without thinking, but before she could say any more, Henry was already responding.
"Just a few things left, I'll finish it up now." He didn't seem to overthink anything and Regina let out a slow breath as he followed Luca from the room, leaving only the women of the house.
"Well everything finished up here, maybe Henry and I should go-"
"Lilly, honey," Regina cut Emma's sentence off, leaving the blonde's mouth partially open and her eyebrows knit together. "how would you like to watch an episode of Spongebob in the den?"
"Yeah!" She nodded excitedly and Regina led her into the next room.
Emma was left standing in the middle of the kitchen in the same position and Regina didn't need to see her to be able to clearly envision the confusion in her eyes. They needed to talk though and Regina knew she needed to strike while her nerves were as calm as possible. Though that wasn't saying much.
Once Lilly was sitting happily on the floor in front of the television, Regina slowly returned to the kitchen. She felt just slightly more relaxed when she saw Emma sitting down then, though she could tell by the cautious look on her face, that the former sheriff was mentally preparing for whatever would come.
"I feel like those times in school when I had to sit in the principal's office until they'd come in and sit in front of me and ask me if I knew what I was brought in for." Emma gave a small grin as Regina sat down directly across from her.
"Well, do you know why I wanted you to stay?" She allowed a small smile herself, and it seemed to ease Emma's obvious discomfort a bit.
"I'm assume you want to have another very uncomfortable conversation that we'd both like to avoid?"
"Well...yes." Regina admitted and Emma nodded, keeping her eyes on her hands.
"Look, Regina-"
"You were right." Regina stopped her and Emma had the good sense to press her lips together. "I did give you very mixed ideas when I said one thing and did another. I think we need to be clear on where we stand now."
"Do you know where we stand now?" Emma started and finally made eye contact with Regina. "Because I haven't got a clue where we are or where we're going and for the life of me, I can't imagine what you think about all this."
Regina paused to take a deep breath and leaned on her elbows against the table's surface. She felt the strong desire to just call it all off and say goodnight, but they couldn't keep on both wondering constantly what the others intentions and desires were. She waited another few seconds before starting up again.
"Well that's why we have to talk. We need to be clear about everything."
"What do you want, Regina?" Emma asked bluntly and Regina felt a little caught off guard.
"I don't think-"
"I need to know what you want from me and this. You know where I stand so I don't need to be clear about anything. It's you that needs to tell me where you stand because we both know that's not clear anymore." She leaned forward on the table until her arms almost touched Regina's and it was clear the other woman was debating shifting herself away or not. After a few seconds when Regina didn't move, Emma waited to catch her eyes again and continued, softly. "What do you want?"
Regina looked down at her hands on the table again. She focused on the nail bed of her left thumb that clearly needed some care later and tried to gather her thoughts again. She didn't mean to lose control of the conversation so quickly. She wanted to sit Emma down for a calm discussion, but now she felt like she'd been cornered and confronted and this was not the way she planned on things going.
Emma sat patiently across from her and it made things even harder on Regina. She was right, Regina knew exactly what she wanted and it would be easy to just give it to her and pretend the last two years were behind them now. But they weren't and Regina knew it just couldn't be so easy. There was still things to be dealt with and Regina wasn't sure where to even start, let alone when everything would finally be resolved.
"Emma...I appreciate everything you've been doing for us recently, truly, but…" She paused when she saw it. So subtle, but Regina saw the shift and her words died on her tongue. It was the small twitch in her right eye and the tiniest fraction of an inch that Emma's chin lifted as it prepared for the hit. It wouldn't be physical but Emma knew pain and her body naturally reacted as it saw a painful impact approaching. It took another few seconds before she started again.
"Henry said something today and it reminded me again that there is still so much to be worked through. I think that it doesn't really matter where I stand on us because there's still going to be the same amount of baggage in between."
"It matters." She spoke so softly that Regina's chest tightened from the tone alone. Emma let out a long breath and continued without looking at Regina. "What did he say?"
"He mentioned being angry at me for leaving. Not for what happened between him and I or because of my past, but because I left him. I didn't realize he felt that way and it reminded me that there's so many things to work through. One being that I knew I was doing what was best for him and you-"
Emma looked up then and just as before, Regina saw the slight shift when Emma's eyes narrowed just the tiniest bit. This time though, she didn't understand the reason.
"You mean you thought you knew." She asked but her tone made it a statement of fact. Regina frowned.
"No, Emma. I knew the moment Henry stepped into that alley that leaving was the only right decision for everyone. I have never questioned that and I'm not now."
Emma's eyes narrowed further and she leaned more into the table across from Regina.
"I understand and respect that you thought you were doing what was best. I understand that it looked hopeless and I understand that you felt like there was no way to remain in Storybrooke. But you don't know that is was the best choice. None of us do and none of us can because you made the decision for everyone."
"I was trying to make it easy on you-"
"I know, because I read your letter a few hundred times and I know you were trying to save me from choosing. But by making the decision for me, there's no way of knowing what would have happened."
"We both know what would have happened." Regina's tone lowered as she felt that longtime pain and anger approach the surface. "And it wouldn't have been good for either of us."
Emma looked away and shook her head slowly.
"I agonized over what to do and I folded under the pressure from Henry and my parents and everyone. I know that and I still hate myself for it. But I was so completely in love with you and I spent months dreaming about what could have happened if you stayed. What I could have said to my family and how I could have handled Neal. A thousand scenarios that could have left us together. But there's no way of ever knowing if it would have worked or not because you did leave us."
Regina looked, really looked into Emma's eyes and it was like she could actually feel the pain there. She saw the moisture collecting in the corners just before one small tear fell and Emma quickly swiped it away before standing and facing away. She didn't turn back again, even as she spoke again.
"I blame myself for so much. I biggest regret is not coming after you when I had the chance and I know I'll probably hate myself for it forever. I thought I was making the right decision too when I decided to try to be with Neal. But I realized the moment it was too late, that I was wrong. And maybe I only knew that because you were gone. But maybe I would have figured it out with you there. Maybe we could have made it work and maybe we could have had these years together."
Emma finally turned around and stepped forward. She looked at Regina with the same longing expression she'd had at Susan's party and Regina noticed her shoulders fell and her features hardened in the same way they had after she'd told Emma to leave.
She took another step forward and Regina watched her, unsure of her next move. She was surprised when Emma walked past her and picked up her jacket from the corner of the kitchen. The were back to back as Emma faced the doorway and Regina stayed completely still in her seat.
"I was wrong then...and now." Emma's head dropped and her eyes pressed closed as she held herself within the frame of the doorway. "I've said what I needed to and I've done what I think I was meant to. I can see though, that this isn't what you want and me being here isn't helping anyone. I won't make you make the decision this time, Regina. I'm going to leave-"
"Leave?" Regina turned her head but stayed sitting. Emma didn't move.
"I'm not moving away, I won't do that to Henry. I just mean…" She signed and her body sagged forward as her energy just depleted, "I'm going home. I'm sure Susan is more than willing to drive you around and I'll make sure Henry sees you when he wants to. But I'm not going to keep pushing you and forcing you to try and decide what to do with me. I'm sorry for everything. I still love you and because of that, I'm giving you the gift you wanted for yourself the night you left. I'll spare you the pain. Goodbye, Regina."
Regina heard each impact of Emma's boots against the hardwood flooring of her home as they moved away from the kitchen. The volume subtly lowered each second until they paused at the doorway above the basement. Regina listened as Emma called for their son to join her and she heard the pounding footsteps of sneakers on stairs as the boy confusedly answered his mother.
She tried not to focus on the concerned tone in his voice as he questioned Emma on the sudden departure. She tried not to envision the look on his face in the few seconds before she heard both of them make their way towards the front of the house.
The door was the final sound and it was as if the motions had a direct connection to her chest and the rapidly beating organ inside. As it opened, she could literally feel a tugging in her heart and the second the the click of the lock indicated the closing, she felt that harsh squeeze that always reminded her of the days of ripping hearts from innocent people and how that initial agony must have felt before she ended them completely. She knew it was foolish, but she actually tensed for the final moment.
Of course it didn't come though and instead, Regina stayed frozen in her chair at the kitchen table. Her arms remained laying on the surface and she noticed her knuckles were turning white. Her hands were shaking just the slightest, almost unnoticeably and Regina frowned as she kept her eyes on her subtly shifting fingers. There were such a mix of emotions that could have left her screaming, crying, or channeling her former Evil Queen and burning the entire house down, but they ended up instead, practically immobilizing her where she sat.
She wondered if she could remember the last time she'd felt so small. It wasn't something that really ever happened since leaving her old life behind and it amazed her to realize it may have been the last night with her son in Storybrooke.
This time was different though. This time, there was far less tangible hatred being slung her way and instead, a more aching sadness born from years of regret, pain, and anger simmering away. And this time she wasn't the one to run, but the one left watching the love of their life walk away quietly into the night.
This time, Regina was the one left baring the weight of her choice and this time, she wasn't sure if she could bare it.
She heard the car doors open as the two outside prepared to leave and she finally turned her head. She couldn't see anything but the walls of her home, but the sound caught her attention and she moved.
Regina stood slowly and faced the doorway leading to the front of the house. Luca appeared from the basement and she tried to give him a reassuring expression. Though judging by the look he gave back, her efforts were futile.
The sounds were hard to make out from inside the kitchen, but Regina knew the second the car's engine came to life, signaling Emma and Henry's upcoming departure. She could picture them sitting inside, trying to reassure one another before they left and it reminded her of the night she packed up and took Luca. She remembered looking at him and feeling like she was making the right decision.
She wondered if Emma was feeling the same.
It was quite sudden when it dawned on her. She understood the analogy of slowly tuning gears inside one's brain because she envisioned her unfortunately gradual realization was the same. A very slow but suddenly obvious realization that left her feeling foolish, though the sensation was wildly overpowered by the anxiety and something that was dangerously close to excitement building fast within her.
"Mum?" Luca clearly saw the changing expression on her face as the frozen pained look shifted into something like determination. He stepped forward and Regina looked down. "What's happening?"
"History is about to repeat itself." She said quietly and took a step forward, not even noticing the weight on her booted and still broken foot.
"Um...it is?" Luca's head tilted slightly and on any other day, Regina would have found the complete confusion etched across his face adorable. Right then though, she wasn't focused on that. She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes.
"No."
It wasn't quite an out of body experience, but Regina was almost unconscious of her initial movements as she marched towards the front door. She meant to get outside as fast as possible, but it felt almost as if she'd had one too many of her ciders and wasn't completely in control of every step she took. She didn't even feel pain from the steps she took on her casted foot. She was outside faster than she thought and it wasn't until she saw Emma and Henry pulling out of the driveway and onto the street, that her brain caught up.
But she didn't hesitate. Part of her expected her feet to freeze, but they didn't. Seeing Emma driving away from her only quickened her pace until she was all but charging her way towards the street.
She knew Henry saw her and she could tell he likely yelled for Emma to stop, because the car braked aggressively just by her mailbox and parked. She continued marching towards the vehicle and when she made it past the sidewalk, Emma stepped cautiously from the car, glancing down at Regina's foot and back up, clearly confused and concerned, though she initially stayed silent.
Regina saw the pain still in her eyes, but there was something else. Something that combined the confusion with trepidation with a small spark of hope. The trepidation seemed to overpower slightly though as Regina marched right up until they stood only a foot away from one another.
"Regina?" She spoke so quietly, even directly in front of her, Regina nearly didn't hear her. No matter, Regina was going to make sure Emma heard her then.
Looking straight into her eyes and closing the distance to a mere few inches, the words began pouring from Regina.
"I will be damned if we do not learn from our mistakes. You said your biggest regret was not coming after me that night, well I've lived with plenty of pain over the years and I refuse to add that on top."
Emma blinked a few times, looking slightly stunned, but her eyes stayed on Regina. Neither noticed Henry standing outside of the car or Luca as he joined his brother. They stayed focused on one another alone and for that moment, everything else just faded away.
"You were right. I made a decision for everyone two years ago and whether or not it was the best or only option, I left you and made it so we couldn't be together. Now you have the same choice and I am asking you, Emma…" She paused and took in a long breath, surprising Emma when she reached out and gently took her hand. "We have so much to get through, but you and I...we are not done. So I am asking you...I am asking you not to let history repeat itself. I am asking you...to stay."
So the usual apologies for the ridiculously long waits between chapters, but such is life. I am trying :/
I am very happy with this chapter though, writer's block seemed to just lift rather suddenly the other day and I am very excited to get into this again. I really hope you enjoyed but regardless, pretty please take a moment to leave a review. Reviews are the tip jars of fanfiction so it would be greatly appreciated. Until next time! (which will hopefully be soon) ;)