AUTHOR's NOTE: Hello, fellow readers! Because of the unfortunate end of season four of The Walking Dead, I am forced to stop continuation of my story since I follow the plotline of the show. BUT I am adding these chapters as fillers until season five, though it may not be many of them. (Maybe one or two per month.) These chapters will basically be flashbacks, so everything happens before the rundown of the prison; they'll show more insight and background of my character. The original plotline will resume until season five starts, obviously, so I hope you enjoy these fillers until then.

Better Off Dead

I'm sitting on my bed in my cell, cleaning my black combat boots with a sponge. Being restricted from doing other activities because of my condition, I have nothing better to do. This is the third time today I clean these boots. My seven weeks of recovery are almost over; just a few more, and I'll be back to my regular duties.

"Sorry to keep you waitin'," I hear Rick say as he enters my cell. "Hershel had to talk to me."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, just wanted to check up on me…" he sits beside me to my left. "Also had to make sure Carl went to bed. It's pretty late."

"It's not too late…"

"How are you doin'?"

"A lot better than before, but still need some more time."

I stare at him as he looks down at the floor with a pensive and sorrowful gaze.

"You're not doing too well…" I say. "What's eating you? And don't tell me you're just tired."

Rick bites his bottom lip while still staring at the floor in silence.

"I was gone for a while…" he finally says. "After Lori died, I wasn't myself…It was to the point that I started seein' her…hallucinatin'…I didn't talk to anyone."

He rubs his neck and tilts his head to crack it a bit.

"I felt dead inside…Like, nothin' else mattered anymore but to protect Carl and Judith…I felt so guilty…" he continues. "I just…stopped feelin' emotions…"

He fidgets a bit and wipes his hand down his face.

"You probably think I'm weak…" he mutters.

"No, Rick, don't say that," I interject.

"I was weak in front of them…in front of Carl."

"Don't think that way of yourself…You had every reason to feel the way you did."

He buries his face in his hands. I lower my eyes in sorrow.

"I went through something similar, you know…" I finally say. "Don't think I'm perfect…I felt like complete shit after all I went through with Elena…"

Rick turns his head to listen to me.

"There was a point where I also started to see Elena and John…I also started to hallucinate…I was also gone for a while…" I continue. "I spent nights wandering…seeing Elena…imagining that I was playing with her, with John….I heard their voices…I believed they were actually there."

I rub my hands together as I stare down at them.

"Don't think I never hit rock bottom…I sure in hell did. And it took me a long while to get outta there…to pull myself out. Hell, I was still a bit there when you and Daryl found me…I knew I was still lost in some darkness…denial, that's what it was. That's why I decided to join your group."

"And you never told me this?"

"I'm telling you now."

Rick stares at me in thought.

"I can…trust you, Rick," I admit shyly. "I can trust you, Hershel, Daryl, Carl…everyone here. After all I've been through with other survivors, it's a slow process for me."

"I know…I know exactly how that feels," Rick nods slowly.

My jaw clenches a bit as I continue to stare at the floor.

"I can tell you how I was like…so you won't feel so bad about yourself," I offer.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Rick notices my unsure tone.

"No, no…I think it's best I do."

I give him a small reassuring smile. Rick waits for me to begin.

"There'd be nights where I'd hear Elena calling my name…." I begin. "And John…It was as if they were actually there…"

***Flashback***

I'm sitting in the woods, leaning against a tree. My eyes gaze into the dark night as the echo of crickets chirping prevents silence. I sit there, motionless, wearing my blood stained beige shirt.

"I know you're there…" I say as I keep my gaze ahead.

John walks out from behind a tree some ten feet away from me. He stares at me, his figure nearly consumed entirely in the tree's shadow.

"I just lost them…I lost yet another group…" I begin to say.

There's no response.

"I tried to protect these people…I tried…gave it my all…and it still wasn't enough…"

John continues to stand in the shadow.

"How could I let those people die? Had I been quicker on my feet, maybe…maybe they would've made it."

"You did your best…it wasn't your fault," John states.

"I just feel…like I could've done better."

I ball my fists up.

"I couldn't save them…I couldn't save Elena," I grit through my teeth as my eyes begin to tear up. "I wasn't there for her like I promised…I'm a failure."

"Stop thinking that way. You didn't know."

"Here I am, mourning the loss of more people…people who I cared about…It could've been different…"

I rub my nose and sigh heavily.

"Maybe there's a way out…to escape all this…" I mutter.

I reach for my gun in its holster and hold it over my lap.

"There won't be a need to survive…to worry about food, water, shelter…No more pain…No more running."

I hold my CZ up and stare at it.

"I can be with you…with Elena…"

Gripping the handle of my gun, I hold the nozzle under my chin.

"I'm sorry…I'm better off dead," I mutter as tears roll down my face.

Suddenly, after blinking, I feel a hand push down the gun away from my chin. I stare up at Elena as she pushes the gun away to my side. My eyes are wide as I stare into her green ones.

"It's not your time, mommy."

***Flashback ends***

I rub the side of my face while leaning forward. A tear rolls down my face and I quickly wipe it away.

"You probably see me differently now," I say as I lower my head.

"No, no, I don't," Rick comforts me as he shifts closer to me and puts his arm around me.

"I was that far gone that I actually considered shooting my damn brains out…"

"I don't blame you for it. You'd gone through a lot."

He continues to rub my back gently. Tears sit in my eyes as I look forward at the wall.

"What you went through…it was okay to feel the way you did," I turn to Rick. "The same way you're trying to comfort me, that's what you should tell yourself."

Rick stares at me in awe for a moment.

"Don't doubt yourself, Rick. We don't get to anymore," I assure him.

I stretch my left leg out and sigh.

"Feel better after lettin' that out?" he asks me.

"Yeah…I do," I nod and give him a warm smile. "Now…I know something else is botherin' you."

He pulls his arm from around me and scratches his head.

"It's about Carl, isn't it?" I ask him straight out.

"I'm afraid of how this world is shaping him out to be…"

I watch as he shifts himself on the bed.

"I…I still can't get over the fact that he had to kill his mother," he mutters. "I, I should've been there with him…he shouldn't have gone through that…Had I taken care of those prisoners before…He didn't have to go through it alone."

His hands ball up as he clenches his jaw. He leans his elbows on his thighs and buries his face in his hands.

"Sometimes I feel…I'm not bein' the father I should be," he murmurs. "If I was to lose my son to the dark…or worse…I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself."

"You're doing your best as his father. For Carl and for Judith," I comfort him.

He begins to cry softly as he rests his elbows on his thighs, his head dropped down. I wrap my arms around him and pull him close.

"Don't feel like you're alone in this…you have me, Hershel, Daryl….everyone," I continue.

"I let everyone down."

"No, you didn't. You found the prison and have kept them alive this far."

I rub his back and caress his arm.

"You're a leader, Rick. You have done what not a lot of us can do. You've handled things. You might've hit rock-bottom a few times, but you were able to get back up."

Rick wipes his tears away and turns to me. I gaze into his eyes with the same sorrow and pain he has in his own. But above all that, there's strength and leadership.

"You're here…now….And that's all that matters," I state.

He stares into my eyes, his face full of awe, and nods slowly.

"We're natural born leaders…the fact that we can admit our weaknesses and overcome them makes us stronger," I continue.

I playfully shove him with my arm.

"Feel better now?" I smile.

"Yeah…yeah, I do," he returns the smile.