A/N: Thanks so much for all the great reviews. I fully intended to update this two weeks ago but life got in the way PLUS writing this chapter was difficult because House, Cuddy and Nolan went out and got minds of their own and started taking the therapy all over the place. I felt that where they'd gone was too much for one chapter, for an initial session together. So I broke this up into two chapters.
In this chapter, it's Tuesday afternoon's therapy session with Nolan. Some things will come up that have been discussed either between House and Cuddy or House and Nolan. Throughout this fic, House and Cuddy will revisit their past and talk about things, sometimes more than once because that's how therapy works...you talk about it until you're done with it and can move on.
A lot of thanks go to: Ana, Maria-Eleni, Cherokee Jedi, Amy, Marisa, Laura, and JulLia for the roundtable discussion a few weeks ago.
Thanks to LapizSilkwood for taking a look at the final draft!
Nolan's secretary showed House and Cuddy into the office. Nolan was sitting behind his desk writing when the couple entered. He stood up to greet them.
"Hello Greg. Lisa, it's good to see you again," he said shaking her hand.
"Likewise."
"Please have a seat." He motioned to the large comfortable leather couch then turned to his secretary. "Remember, I'm not available for the rest of the day." The secretary nodded and closed the door.
"Wow, the rest of the day? Should I be worried?" House asked.
"No. You've still got your usual hour with me. I didn't book any other patients after you because I've got a journal article to complete. You know how it is."
Cuddy raised an eyebrow at Nolan as if to say are you kidding? Nolan just winked at her.
House didn't take his usual seat in the recliner, instead he made himself comfortable on the couch next to Cuddy. This did not go unnoticed by Nolan who was used to House keeping his distance during their sessions.
Nolan leaned forward and clasped his hands together. "Lisa, Greg invited you here so that you could see for yourself how much progress he's made and to allow you both an opportunity to talk openly about your relationship."
That last line surprised Cuddy. She didn't know House had wanted to talk about their relationship.
"Are you sure?" Cuddy asked curiously.
House hesitated a moment. He was a little apprehensive but only because having someone else at his session was new to him. Then he thought about how much he'd revealed to Cuddy over the past few months and how much Nolan already knew about them. The only difference now was now they were in the same room.
"House?" She asked again, concerned.
"Yeah, I'm fine...it's fine." He gave her a nod of assurance and she smiled.
Nolan continued. "While I would love to see things work between you, Greg is my patient and his well-being takes precedence. He has made remarkable progress in identifying and discussing things that have been a great burden to him...for a very long time."
Cuddy glanced over at House, the corners of her lips jumped upward slightly, and clearly he knew she was appreciative of his efforts in letting her in.
"You two have a very unique relationship and I know how much it means to Greg and through him Lisa, I feel I know you much more than perhaps I should, considering we've only met and chatted briefly a few times. Now, I'm not a couples therapist but then again this isn't couples therapy and well...you two aren't exactly the typical couple either, wouldn't you agree?"
They both nodded.
"I won't lie to you; most couples could never reconcile or recover after such a devastating blow to their relationship but you two apparently have something...special that brings you back into each other's lives. You two parted ways under the worst of circumstances and what you went through was very traumatic to say the least. Communication has not been your strong point and the fact that you have come this far shows much promise."
"Do you think that we can't recover?" Cuddy began to fidget nervously with the strap of her purse.
Nolan sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Lisa, I don't know what the future holds for you and Greg but I do know that the best way to fix a relationship is for both parties to work on it together. This involves more than solving issues or changing behavior. It is my experience that couples are better able to repair their relationships when they learn how to relate to each other in healthier ways. When they learn how to do that, they deal with problems more effectively. I know it might seem difficult at first but I believe you can do this and you need to believe it too. In order for it to work, the two of you must be honest with one another. Can you do that?"
House and Cuddy turned to look at one another and for a fleeting moment, their eyes connected in a moment of mutual agreement. They were determined to make it work this time.
Nolan picked up on their silent affirmation. "Good." He rubbed his hands together. "We won't plan where this is headed and what I would like is for you to just be yourselves. We have to start somewhere so to break the ice I think I'll start by asking how therapy went this morning."
"It was good," House said. "The pain is rough but at least the worst of the throbbing and cramping is gone."
"That's good. The injury you suffered in the clinic no doubt set back your ability to recover from the breakthrough pain you were dealing with." he replied. "Lisa, I assume you went with him. How was that experience for you?"
"It was eye-opening."
"In what way?"
Cuddy smiled enthusiastically and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. She was happy to share her participation in the morning therapy session. "I got to see his normal therapy routine, which hasn't happened since his infarction. I did stretches with him and his therapist showed me how to help him with his exercises and how to do the massages properly. He helped me understand more about the things that trigger the pain."
"That's good. Have you ever done that for him before?"
"I'd massage his leg for him occasionally but..." she said. "He never really let me in."
"How does it feel now to be let in? To be an active part of his therapy?"
"It feels good." She sat up straight, hands in her lap, an air of confidence about her. "I want to do things different this time."
"How so?"
"Well...being a part of it makes me feel like I am better equipped to help him manage his pain. In the past, House always worked so hard to hide it," she said with some disappointment. "I always wanted to help him...I just didn't know how. Now I can't just sit there and watch him deal with it by himself like I did before. I want to be an active part of his pain relief and his healing. I want to do this...I need to."
"You still feel guilty," House chimed in, unexpectedly as he fidgeted with his cane.
Cuddy scooted over on the couch a bit so she could face him. "You know I'm not doing this out of guilt," she insisted."
"You've always felt guilty about it."
"No, not always, but there was a time-" she attempted but was cut off by House.
"It's the reason you let me do...what was it you once said, 'Fifty one weeks out of the year you let me run around like a monkey in a banana factory?'" He asked as he raised an eyebrow at her mischievously.
Nolan chuckled at his response then to Cuddy he asked, "Lisa, is it true? Do you feel guilty?"
"No...well..." She bit her bottom lip contemplating her answer. "Yes...sometimes," she confessed.
"Why?"
"It's my fault," she said. Her shoulders fell resignedly. She glanced over at House who rested his chin in his cane and stared at the floor shaking his head, clearly annoyed at her response. "He lives in pain, every single day because of me."
"That's ridiculous. You know I don't blame you."
"There were times...you hurt so bad...I knew I was a part of it." She looked back at Nolan. "I'm the one who suggested to Stacy...his ex-girlfriend, the middle ground, the removal of the dead muscle."
Nolan nodded to convey he knew the story. "I know. Let me ask you a question. Why did you do it?" He asked.
"Why? To save his life."
"Why didn't you abide by his wishes?"
Cuddy tensed up and reacted defensively. "Because he could have died."
Nolan noticed Cuddy tensing up. "Relax Lisa," he said trying to put her at ease. "I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just trying to make a point. As the patient, Greg's wishes took priority. Obviously you had a very good reason for not abiding by them."
She chewed on her bottom lip nervously. She wasn't sure why she was nervous, it had been years ago and she had come to terms with it. Or so she thought she had.
"I knew there was a good chance that he wouldn't recover and that he'd die in the coma," she said.
Nolan knew from his earliest sessions with House in Mayfield the first time around, when House had first talked about Cuddy, how she had violated his wishes as well as hospital policy after the infarction. "Would you have done that for anyone else? Would you have violated protocol and ethics and put your medical career in jeopardy just to save a patient?"
House eyed her curiously, awaiting her answer.
"No...not normally. But House wasn't just any patient."
"You cared about him."
"Of course I did," she said, matter-of-factly. "We had a past going back to med school, surely he told you."
Nolan nodded affirmatively. "May I be so bold as to ask if you loved him?"
"Yeah. Even though he was with Stacy, I did," she replied softly, looking down at her hands twisting the strap of her purse.
"So you went against his wishes and saved his life because you loved him. Why do you feel guilty for that?"
She smacked her hands on her knees and looked at him, her eyes wide. "I put him through a lifetime of excruciating pain because I was selfish, even though he was with her...with Stacy, I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. I had to do whatever it took to keep him alive!" She realized her statement of truth had come out far more loudly than she had intended.
"It's not wrong to want to do everything you can to save someone you care about."
"Over the years I've seen him in so much pain it nearly killed him." When she spoke, her voice cracked a little. "Sometimes he made reckless decisions, did things that put his life in jeopardy and there were a few times..." She looked over at House and bit her bottom lip again nervously. "I wondered if I'd made the wrong choice in saving his life."
The room was silent as Cuddy and House just stared at each other. The only noise was the ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner of the office. Nolan watched, intrigued by their connection. He could have sworn they carried on a conversation without ever saying a word.
Finally he said, "Greg...were there times you thought Lisa made the wrong choice in saving your life?"
Cuddy crossed her arms in a self-hug, her hands gripped her upper arms as she awaited his answer. She certainly hadn't expected them to get this deep into things this early in the session but now it was too late to go back.
"Yes," he replied in almost a whisper.
Cuddy let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding but when it came out, it was more like a sob. She'd known over the years, he'd been in so much pain, there were times he wished it would all end but hearing it was so painful.
"Do you still think that?" Nolan asked, his eyes darting between them.
"No." This time his answer came without thought or hesitation.
"Why not?"
House dropped his eyes toward the floor and tapped the end of his cane on his foot. With a low sigh, he tilted his head up to look at Nolan.
"Because even with all the pain and shit that's happened, I think...I'm actually happy now."
The next chapter will be up soon! I like to have an additional chapter nearly finished and ready for editing before publishing the one before it. Didn't happen this time! I'll get better about updates!