**First of all, let me apologize to my followers. Chapter 11 was NOT the end of this story. I don't like sad endings so stay tuned for much more to come! BDS does not belong to me, but the plotline from here on out is 100% mine. Enjoy! Much love everyone!**

Chapter 12

Time is a funny thing. Not funny ha-ha. It was more like funny 'life is depressing and I don't laugh, then I'm going to jump off of the nearest bridge wearing nothing but a red clown nose". For the first month, I checked the mail every chance I got, hoping for a letter. I jumped every time the phone rang, certain it one of them calling to apologize and explain what the fuck was going on. The news was quiet so I couldn't even use that to follow them. Agent Smecker swore he had no idea where they were or what their plan was. No one knew anything. It was like they had just vanished into thin air.

The second month was just as hard, only I was coming to terms with being alone. It didn't hurt any less to admit it. It was simply the formal acknowledgement. Aileen worried over me, making sure I was eating and not neglecting myself. It was all of my energy just to get up in the mornings and take a shower. I was a zombie at work and my editorial reviews sat untouched. I figured there was a message on my answering machine from the newspaper saying that I was fired, but I had stopped checking it.

By the ninety day mark, I was angry. I mean, really furious. It was like a blind rage I had never felt before and I took it out on anyone who got in my way. I had ceased to turn on the television at night. Seeing the press following the preliminary Yakavetta tended to make me throw things. It was irrational, but I blamed him for all of my pain. I blamed him for Rocco, too. Rocco may not have been my whole world, but he meant something to those I loved. For that, Yakavetta should burn in hell.

"I'm coming over tonight," Aileen said as we were closing up the shop. "Lord only knows how long it's been since you ate something other than frozen waffles and let's face it, honey… your clothes have been smelling a little ripe."

I didn't even argue with her. I led the way home and ignored her shocked gasp. I knew my apartment looked like hell. I was going to get around to cleaning it… eventually. It was her own fault for insisting that she needed to take care of me. I happened to like frozen waffles.

I could handle her cleaning and cooking. I could handle her whistling. I put my foot down when she wanted to tuck me in. I told her that I was fine and shoved her out the door. I waited until I was sure she was gone before pouring myself a still drink. Whiskey was the only thing that tasted good to me anymore and I went down to visit with Doc on a regular basis. He had the bar open again and he made sure to order an extra bottle of the special Irish that he served.

I thought I was in the clear, but I forgot to lock the door. "Oh darlin'."

I was so busted. She made me sit down and tell her everything. I started at the beginning and it was after midnight when I was done. I didn't leave anything out. It felt good to get it all off my chest, but afterward I just felt empty.

"Love is a painful thing," Aileen said, rubbing my back in slow circles. It was easy to imagine her as a young mother, taking care of her children.

"They left me, Aileen. They promised to take me with them, and then they left me alone." I sniffled.

I hadn't cried since the motel. Now I couldn't seem to stop. In Aileen's arms, I wailed like a banshee. The pain was too much to bear. How could I go on without them? It was like losing half of my soul without warning. I wanted to die.

I collapsed into bed at some point, but I didn't want to close my eyes. I didn't want to see them in my dreams. Aileen got me up a few hours later, and force fed me breakfast. We got to work and she got me settled behind the counter with a search-a-word puzzle and a highlighter. I wanted to feel annoyed at being treated like a child, but I was kind of grateful someone else was taking control. Aileen turned on the ting television on to the morning talk shows she loved so much, but I was able to ignore it until the breaking story 'interrupted the regular scheduled programming".

The news reporter was a perky blonde, probably older than she looked. She was standing outside of the courthouse where people were running.

"In a twisted chain of events, Joseph Yakavetta, notorious Italian crime mob boss, is dead. Three gunmen entered the courthouse where Yakavetta was on trial and executed him, according to eyewitnesses."

She blabbered on about details and reactions, but I stopped listening. All I could hear in my head was Connor telling me that they had to 'see it through… for Rocco'. There were no names released, but I knew it was them. Aileen must have come to the same conclusion because she was staring at me, waiting to see what the news would do to me.

I went back to my puzzle.

"Are you alright?"

I shrugged. If they came for me, I would go, but I wasn't going to get my hopes up too high. The third gunman must have been who left me the note. I would bet my life savings of thirteen dollars and forty-seven cents that man was their father. If that was the case, then being left behind made sense in a somewhat fucked up way. I let the anger drain out of me. I couldn't hold a father's concern for his children against them, as much as I wanted to.

We ate lunch from the Jewish deli down the street, and went about our normal business. The only chance I had was when I got home. The lights were on, but the apartment was silent. They had been there. Things were moved and my refrigerator had been rummaged through. There were two bottles of beer missing. Whether it was a message or them just being thirsty, they came here and I wasn't here. I had missed my only chance.

I went over to my desk and opened up my laptop, staring blankly at the screen. It was all over and I was supposed to find motivation in that to do work? Who was I kidding?

I glanced at the clock and decided to go for a walk. It was dark outside, but God help the person who decided to mess with me. I walked along the waterfront, no clear destination in mind. I was just looking for some semblance of a memory. Divine intervention or not, the same damn church was looming in front of me. I was sure it would be locked up tight, but the front door was open and the inside lights were welcoming.

There were a few people inside, praying or speaking quietly amongst themselves. I pulled my Gram's rosary from under my sweater and fingered the beads, lost in thought.

"Did you come for confession, my child?"

I looked up to find the priest looking intently at me. I nodded and was gestured into the booth. I let the curtain envelope me in darkness and struggled to find the words from a long forgotten pastime.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been… many years since my last confession." I could see his shadow through the screen as he crossed me and waited. "I did not come here for forgiveness or absolution, Father. I came because I am… lost."

"How so, my child?"

I sighed. "Father, I lost my faith many years ago, but is it possible God has not abandoned me?"

"The Shepard never abandons his flock."

"I want to believe that, Father, but I am alone again and I can't seem to find Him. My Gram is dead, and the men that I love have disappeared to protect me."

"You speak of more than one man." He didn't sound accusatory and I wondered why.

"Yes, Father. There are two men in my life. I went from a… bad relationship to two Irishmen who I would have sworn loved me, but they're gone." I took a deep breath. "Father, I confess my greatest sin. I am in love the Saints of South Boston. Time and distance hasn't changed that. The blood and death that surrounds them hasn't altered how I feel in one bit. How can I go on with my life carrying this burden? How could God possibly love someone who feels this way?"

The other side of the wall was quiet for a long time. "Do you feel that they are evil?"

I shook my head and realized that he couldn't see me. "No. The world may view them as evil, but I know them. I know what's in their hearts."

I heard movement and my side of the booth was opened. The priest leaned in so that only I could hear him and see his face, intently studying me. "Would you risk everything, including God's wrath, to find them?"

I nodded slowly. "Yes, even if it meant my life."

He held something out to me. I originally thought it was a photograph, but once handling it, I realized it was a postcard. It had a picture of Ireland on the front. There was nothing written on the card, but holding it gave me shivers.

"The blonde one wasn't sure if they should leave this for you or not, but the dark one insisted. He said that you would understand," the priest said, crossing me. "Go with God, my child. May His blessings follow you on your journey."

I was shocked. I walked to the front of the church and knelt at the feet of Jesus, bowing my head. I prayed, as best as I could, for guidance. I was being offered a gift, a chance to find happiness, but what if I wasn't worthy of it? The postcard in my hand was proof of a devotion I knew I would never find again, a declaration of a future if I was only brave enough to take the first step.

What the hell. It wasn't as if I was actually considering not going.

I got myself back to the bookshop and let myself in, disarming the alarms. I headed to our travel section and found the three books we had on Ireland. Two were tourist trash. The other held some promise. I left a note on the counter with some money to cover its costs, reset the alarm, and went home. The first thing I did was pull out my laptop and check my bank account balance. There was no way I could do this without help. I considered my options and opted to wait until morning for my next step.

Doc wasn't thrilled about being woken up at the ass crack of dawn, but chilled out when he realized it was me. He let me into the bar and led me up the stairs to his apartment. He fixed us both cups of coffee and settled into his armchair.

"What can I do for… for… for… fuck! Ass! What can I do for ye?"

I handed him the postcard. "You knew them better than anyone else I know. If they were going home, where would home be?"

He shook his head. "Don't be getting' inta this, lass."

I rested my arms on my knees. "I'm already in it, Doc. I can't let them go, not without trying to find them. I love them, more than anything. Please Doc… help me."

"I don't know if they'll go home, but they always talked about Ranelagh." He lumbered to his feet and made his way to his bookcase. He yanked down an old bible and handed it to me. "Take this wit ye. There'll be help in these pages."

I was honored. I hugged him and kissed both of his cheeks. I doubted I would be seeing him again, and I was so grateful for everything he had always done for me. Aileen was my next stop.

"Of course I will help, Siobhan! You're family to me. What do you need me to do?"

I laid out my idea to her, showing her the postcard and the book from the store. "I'm going after them. I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I need to get across the damn ocean at least."

She reached for her purse and handed me her wallet. "Use my American Express card. Book whatever flights you need, any hotel you want. Clothes, food… you name it, it's yours."

I tried to hand it back to her. "I can't accept all this."

She hugged me. "My sweet girl, I work because I'm bored. I could quit both jobs tomorrow and live comfortably for the rest of my life and well into my next. Let me take care of you as I would my own children."

I guess God did exist. I took her card and promised to mail it back to her when I was done. We spent the rest of the day shopping and preparing and it was dinnertime before she dropped me off at the police station. Knowing where I needed to go, I barged into Smecker's office, startling him and the police chief.

"What are you doing here, Ms. Gray?" Smecker demanded, excusing himself from his previous conversation. He all but pushed me back outside, lighting a cigarette to cover up his emotions.

I wasn't above begging, but I doubted it would be necessary. "You had to have helped them. Now I need you to do the same for me."