House, of course, belongs to David Shore. I'm not stealing House, I'm just borrowing him!
At long last, a new and really fun chapter! Maybe a short recap is in order! As you read, consider whether you want the rest of the evening you're going to read about, or whether you want to move the story along.
Cuddy has found out that Greg is House's son. She and Wilson have been invited to Wilson's apartment for some bonding and to get Cuddy to loosen up a bit.
Like Father, Like Son
Chapter 29
House had everything thought out in his mind! Getting Wilson on board wasn't going to be a problem because he wasn't going to tell him. This project was going to belong to just him and Greg! A little father-son time, so to speak! Pizza - there had to be pizza…and beer. Maybe even near beer for the kid, or a good facsimile. The point of this whole escapade was to get Cuddy to loosen up under stress; to go with the flow. Wilson could use an exercise in that, too; thus, the refusal to involve him. Greg was the man for the job and he was going to be all for it.
House packed up his computer case and headed to the car. He wondered where Greg was and gave him a call. Greg answered immediately and House started with his usual lack of preamble
"Where are you? We have plans."
"Dad, you just passed me. I'm in the conference room"
"Come." House continued walking; he never even broke stride.
Greg hopped up and followed, catching up quickly. "What's the plan, Dad? You're plotting something!"
"Me?' House grinned "Oh, you bet!"
House's pace increased and Greg nearly had to run to follow.
"Dad, wait!"
"Having trouble keeping up with the cripple? You need to get some exercise, boy!" House knew that despite his bum leg, with his long legs, he could out walk just about anyone. It was a matter of pride.
Greg nearly jogged to keep up. "So what is it? Who do you plan to torture?"
"Cuddy specifically, and indirectly Wilson, that pair needs a lesson in kicking back and we're the ones to give it to them. First, we need messy, artery clogging food. I'm thinking pizza and ice cream with all kinds of sticky toppings. Cuddy's kid is coming too, so we should have chocolate milk - nutrition in disguise."
"My mom used to make these little sausages and she cooked them in grape jelly and chili sauce! They were awesome and drippy. You couldn't eat them without getting sticky!"
House looked at Greg, impressed. "I think you've got the hang of this! Now, what do we do for fun?"
"Goop."
"What?"
"Water and cornstarch! A suspension - one of those substances that are solid until you touch it and then it becomes a liquid. Cuddy will hate it, but Rachel will love it! We can send it home with them if the kid doesn't keep trying to eat it. I bet Cuddy doesn't let her play with anything that's going to get Rachel sticky. There's finger painting too! Since she's little we should use jello or chocolate pudding or both! It's so gross! We used to do it at homeschool co-op in science class! What a mess! The kids practically rolled it in it!"
"Excellent! You are definitely my boy!"
"Don't even let them try to tell you otherwise!"
House and Greg hopped into the car and headed toward the store. House tossed Greg his cell phone.
"Give Wilson a call and remind him that there's a party at his place tonight."
"Does Wilson even know?
"He will when you tell him!"
"Evil! I like it!" Greg pushed the speed dial and Wilson picked up.
"House you flew out of here like a bat out of hell! Is everything okay?"
"Wilson, Greg here. Everything is okay, but we're going to need to use your place tonight. We want to have an intervention for Dr. Cuddy, and Dad thinks you need to be there."
"An intervention? Greg, what's this about? What's wrong with Cuddy?"
"Dr. Wilson, Dad knows better that I do. Just get there as soon as you can after work, but don't say anything to Dr. Cuddy. Interventions can be really tricky if the patient suspects what's coming. You don't want anything to go wrong, do you?" Wilson was so wrapped up in concern that he couldn't hear the playfulness in Greg's voice.
"I'll be there, Greg. I wouldn't miss anything that could benefit Lisa."
"I believe you, Dr. Wilson. Don't worry about a thing. Dad and I have it all covered." Greg disconnected the phone without saying good-bye.
Father looked at son from the corner of his eye with pride. "Oh, you are good! There's no way that Wilson is going to work late tonight OR talk to Cuddy. He probably has her halfway to Mayfield after the grief of finding out that you are my boy!"
"Dad, sometimes you can be so mean…I love it!" Greg rubbed his hands together gleefully.
House drove into the parking lot of the grocery store. Placing the handicapped sign in the window, he hopped out of the car and again Greg rushed to catch up. They went up and down the aisles, each seeing necessary items to toss into the cart. At one point, House picked up a container of baby wipes, but he quickly tossed them back onto the shelf. Cuddy's diaper bag probably had enough wipes to clean Rachel for a year.
As they stood in the candy aisle, House found a bottle of edible grape bubbles. He broke the seal on the container, stuck the wand in the bottle and blew bubbles into the air. He caught them on his tongue, made a terrible face and replaced the bottle on the shelf. Greg grabbed the bottle and tossed it into the cart. Further down the aisle, House opened up a package of gum, took a piece and again, stuck the package back on the shelf; again Greg tossed the package into their cart.
"You're really a bad example for an impressionable kid, you know?"
"I don't need to be a good example to you. You already know right from wrong and I'm not interested in changing my ways."
Greg didn't know how to challenge that and so he didn't. As they approached the checkout lanes, a few of the cashiers appeared to busy themselves so they didn't have to make eye contact with House. Greg caught the eye of one, smiled sweetly and appeared to roll his eyes as if to say, "What are you gonna do with him?" She smiled and nodded so Greg steered the cart to the cash register. Checkout went smoothly because House was too preoccupied with his internal machinations to harass the cashier.
Throughout the drive to Wilson's, House was exceptionally silent. Greg didn't bother to disturb his dad since he didn't know if he was planning the evening or thinking through the symptoms of a case that he was working on.
Once they reached the parking lot, House snapped to life again! They carried the groceries in and set to work on their plans. House figured that they had approximately an hour before Wilson arrived and maybe slightly longer until Cuddy arrived. House didn't care either way. Nothing was going to change any of his plans.
Greg got out a pan and created the concoctions that he'd described to his dad earlier. He combined the grape jelly and the chilli sauce and dumped in the package of cocktail sausages. Greg could see the rude comments that House was thinking playing across his face.
"Dad! Keep it clean! Virgin ears here!"
House rolled his eyes and grinned a Grinchy grin. He wasn't really interested in reining himself in.
As his son's concoction warmed up, House began to be tempted by the delicious fragrance emanating from the pan. As he reached for a fork and tried to steal a bite, Greg slapped House's hand away. Surprised, House dropped the fork into the pan as Greg laughed at his dad's surprised expression.
"What's next?" House asked as he tried to fish for the fork with some tongs.
"I have a couple of things I don't really need your help with and they will be more convincing if you don't know what's going to happen."
House looked skeptically at his son but decided not to question him further.
Wilson arrived with Cuddy and Rachel just as House was sticking the pizza in the oven. He'd taken a frozen pizza and added seven different kinds of shredded cheese, as well as green olives, onions and mushrooms. It isn't what House would have chosen, but he did want Cuddy to eat and she wasn't a carnivore in any sense of the word – unless one counted chewing on her own lips.
Rachel was already dressed in her pajamas, and House decided that they would have to go. He had planned for such a possibility and so one of Wilson's t-shirts was already laid out for the little girl to put on.
"Welcome beautiful Cuddys!" House said as he regarded what Cuddy was wearing. She might need to cover up too!
Rachel was wearing a Disney Snow White nightgown. She looked darling, but House rolled his eyes at Cuddy.
"What have we here, Princess Rachel?"
"I'm the fairest of them all and I'm gonna die from and apple, but really I'll just be asleep!"
"Right! Well, since we don't want the wicked witch to find you just yet, why don't you take off you beautiful gown and wear this plain white t-shirt? It will be your disguise."
Wilson's eyes rolled as he recognized the shirt being slipped over Rachel's head.
"Thanks House! That was an excellent idea! I knew the moment she spilled something on it there was going to be tears!"
"Well I aim…"
Greg, cut in "Dr. Cuddy, I have some cream cheese to melt in the microwave, but since I'm stirring this pot I can't do it. Will you please give me a hand?"
Cuddy went over to Greg and willingly took the plate.
"Two minutes that's all it's going to take!" enthused Greg.
"While we aren't at the hospital, call me Lisa. We're all friends here!"
Rachel piped up, "I'm Rachel! You can call me Snow White!"
Everyone laughed, and without looking, Cuddy set the plate in the microwave following Greg's directions to set the timer to two minutes.
After few seconds the activity in the microwave caught Cuddy's eye. "I can't believe what I'm seeing!" she exclaimed. Sure enough a corner of the block of cream cheese had started to foam and was quickly filling the microwave!
The adults watched in amazement as Rachel jumped up and down at their feet saying, "Me see! Me see!"
Greg picked her up, so Rachel had the best view of all.
"Cuddy what did you do to that?" accused House.
Cuddy was speechless at the sight before her eyes!
Finally she found her voice. "I just did what Greg told me to do!"
"Wow!" Rachel was wide-eyed at the white foam now filling the microwave almost completely.
"It must have been spoiled and the heat caused fermentation," Greg suggested. Cuddy, House and Wilson nodded their heads.
"It smells like my soap!" squealed Rachel!
Greg laughed and said, "You're right! A secret agent must have come in and switched my cream cheese for Ivory soap while no one was looking!"
The timer dinged on the microwave and Greg removed it after placing Rachel on a stool by the counter. Greg let it cool a few minutes then allowed Rachel to pick it up and squeeze the foam between her fingers!
"How did the secret agent do it?" Rachel asked Greg in amazement.
"The secret agent is all around you, Rachel! It's air. Your soap floats, right?"
"Uh-huh!"
"It's the air inside of the soap that makes it do that. When the air gets hot it expands, gets bigger and the soap explodes."
"This is sooo cool!" said Wilson, as he touched it and molded it into a ball. "It feels smooth and flakey at the same time! This is awesome! How did you learn that?"
"I had a really cool teacher in my homeschool co-op when I was a kid."
House had started to mess with it and was creeping up on Cuddy who was keeping a safe distance. She wasn't interest in the current exploration and she looked as though she was ready to thwart her daughter any minute.
Just about that time House took the foam and coated Cuddy's chin with it.
"What do you think of your mommy with a beard?" House asked Rachel.
"She's got a Santa beard!"
Cuddy was doing her best to wipe it off as fast as she could. House had covered her mouth with it so although she was making noise, she was unable to open her mouth.
House laughed and helped Cuddy out of her predicament. Finally, Cuddy found her voice!
"House, I can't believe you put Greg up to that!"
House laughed. "That was all the kid. He hasn't told me any of his plans!"
About that time, Greg placed the tiny sausages out for everyone to try. "Here's our appetizer." There were napkins and toothpicks but nothing of substance to support the mess.
"We're going to need plates for this Greg!" Cuddy made a face at her dripping child, as House stuck a sausage into Rachel's mouth!
"I want to do it myself! I want a pink one!" Rachel grabbed a toothpick with pink frill from the container. House announced that he would take blue. Wilson, resigned, took red.
House smirked at Cuddy. "You can have the cream cheese and salsa since you aren't going to eat this."
Cuddy stuck her tongue out at House and grimaced as the sauce dripped down Rachel's chin and onto Wilson's t-shirt. "Mmmmm!"
Cuddy was decidedly uncomfortable and Greg was just getting started.
"Wilson, I need some toilet paper, please!"
House rolled his eyes and grinned. He knew that Cuddy was going to hate whatever was coming next and, as a result, House was going to love it.
Cuddy quickly ran to get a napkin. "Here we can use this instead!"
"Nope, we need this!" Greg grabbed the toilet paper that Wilson had tossed to him. Wilson didn't know what was going to happen next, but it seemed that anything that made House this happy needed to be seen!
Greg brought out the biggest bowl that he could find and broke the soap into tiny clumps. He then started to tear strips of toilet paper and placed them in the bowl with the soap. Next, he added water and began to knead it with his fingers.
"We need more toilet paper to make this really good. Tell your mommy to help us out here!"
"Pleeeeeease?" begged Rachel.
House followed suit. "Pleeeeeeeeeease?" He clasped his hands in front of himself beseechingly.
Cuddy groaned but started tearing toilet paper off the roll and shredding it into the bowl with the soap. "What is this stuff, anyway?"
"Clean mud," replied Greg, "Knead it, Lisa. It has a great texture!"
House shoved Cuddy out of the way.
"Let me show you how it's done, Cuddy!"
House shredded the paper and dumped it into the bowl, then began to knead. "This is awesome and disgusting! Cuddy, get yourself over here. You don't want Rachel to stop taking risks because she sees you not trying new stuff. Just imagine yourself up to your armpits in someone's guts!"
"Gag me," said Wilson!
"Gag me," echoed Rachel!
Cuddy shot Wilson daggers with her eyes.
"Come on Wilson, Dig in!" Greg encouraged.
Finally, everyone was playing in the clean mud. House was making crude and suggestive objects, Wilson was making a very sloppy tower, Rachel continued to knead the stuff, and Cuddy was trying to make neat bricks.
House reached over and smashed Cuddy's work with his hands. "Cuddy, are you incapable of disorder? Roll up your sleeves and get into this! Your daughter is watching every move you make and your body language is saying that this is not fun! How can you do that to her?"
Cuddy realized that House had a point and dug in with both hands!
She made an oval that looked something like a head, "House!" she intoned and smashed it with her fist!
House grinned at her. He made what looked like a Cuddy with a big bottom and boobs and then imitating Cuddy, intoned "Cuddy!" and smashed the form back into the bowl.
"House, what are you doing?" inquired Wilson.
"I'm shape shifting, what does it look like?"
Wilson shook his head and Rachel giggled. She didn't understand the conversation at all, but the adults were making really funny faces.
"You guys are weird!" Rachel tried to roll her eyes like House and nearly fell off the stool. House caught her as she fell. By way of thanks, she smeared the clean mud throughout his whiskers!
"You look like Santa Claus!"
"No, Rachel, House is more like the Grinch!" responded Cuddy and Wilson in unison!
Rachel giggled as she grabbed House by the ears and rubbed her face against his, multiplying the mess.
Having had enough, Cuddy grabbed Rachel who rubbed her muddy face on Cuddy. Greg and Wilson had long since decided that staying quiet and out of the way was best. They smiled knowingly at each other just as House pelted each of them in the chest with the mess.
Rachel laughed until her face grew serious. "Down!" she shrieked and upon touching the floor, she fled to the bathroom. Everyone prayed a silent prayer that it wasn't too late!
Suddenly the timer sounded. Everyone had been so busy with the experimentation that they'd all forgotten about the pizza.
It came out of the oven as House had expected. It was gooey and hot and nearly impossible to eat. It was going to be great!
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Alright! In your review, let me know if you want me to continue this evening of messiness into the next chapter or whether you want me to move things along. I think there are only about 4 chapters left to the story.