A/N: Hi! I am so sorry it's taken me so long. I really did intend to update once a week but I got really busy and then for some reason in the past month, the plot bunnies weren't hopping and the muse wasn't yelling in my ear. Now they're all hopping and screaming so it's good. Real good.
"So...what's going on here you two?"
"Mommy, Howse told me all about his leg."
"He did?"
"Uh huh. He said he was sick and in pain and you saved him."
"He said that?"
"Uh huh."
"What brought this up?"
"I wanted to explain to her why I was sick. I figured she's a smart girl, she's old enough to hear it." Then as an afterthought he added, "I didn't mean to listen in, I was just passing-"
Cuddy interrupted him. "It's okay House, no need to apologize." She smiled at him.
Cuddy looked at Rachel who just beamed up at House. She loved the way he talked to her as a little adult instead of a child. She should've known he wouldn't tell her anything inappropriate.
"Mommy, House showed me pictures of people with one leg but they can do everything!"
"That's right, they can and you should never ever treat someone like that as if they can't do the things you can do."
"Okay. Mommy do you think they were scared too?"
"Why do you ask that?"
"Howse told me he was scared."
"He did?" She looked over at House who suddenly looked at something more interesting across the room.
"Yeah."
"You know, people get scared when they're in pain."
"I know. Howse said he hurt you but that he was sorry," Rachel said. House scoffed as Rachel continued her train of thought. "But I said adults were stupid."
Cuddy smirked at her daughter's comment. Rachel was smart beyond her years.
"People do stupid things when they're in pain, Rach." She knew that only too well. Her stupidest mistake had been breaking up with House after her surgery. She looked at him and he returned her gaze, understanding the deeper meaning of her words.
Late Tuesday morning, two hours after a grueling physical therapy session, House stood in front of the warm fireplace in Nolan's brownstone office in Philadelphia. As he stared into the fire, he leaned heavily against the mantle, his left hand resting upon it while his right hand gripped his cane tightly. Not only did his leg hurt from the extreme cold but Vince had worked him exceptionally hard during his session.
Nolan sat in his chair watching House. Normally the diagnostician would enter his office and say something snarky, generally about the doctor's taste in artwork or his grumpy secretary needing to get laid, followed by a bit of banter as they felt out the mood. However, Nolan noticed today things were different for at least five minutes had passed without so much as a word from House.
Suddenly, as if House could read Nolan's mind, he spoke without turning around. "You're not going to ask about my trip?"
"I know how you get when you're thinking. I wanted to give you a chance to sort things out first."
"I think I'm sorted out," he said, turning around.
"Okay. So how was your trip?"
"Good."
"You were doing an awful lot of contemplation there for just good."
"I don't even know where to start," he said as he plopped down in the wide, comfortable chair across from Nolan and pushed at the lever to raise the footrest. As his legs elevated he let out an audible sigh of relief. He'd never come out and expressed his appreciation to Nolan for the chair, but he truly was thankful for it. About a week after House had started seeing Nolan again, he'd endured a particularly cruel bout of pain in his leg. On his next visit to the psychiatrist, he'd noticed the straight chair had been replaced with a rather expensive and comfortable recliner.
"Let's start with your first guest lecture. How'd it go?" Nolan asked.
"Packed the house. See what I did there?" He joked.
Nolan rolled his eyes. "I assume you didn't mock half the faculty and get kicked out."
"On the contrary, I was well-behaved."
"That's a first."
"You think it's impossible?" House asked with a raised eyebrow.
Nolan gave him a knowing look.
House sighed. "Okay, fine. I couldn't do that to Cuddy or the woman who hired me."
"That was thoughtful."
"Don't let it get out."
"Your secret's safe with me. So, what did you talk about in your lecture?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"Just making conversation. If you don't want to talk about-"
House interrupted. "It's not what I want to talk about."
"Okay."
"Cuddy and I had a fight."
Nolan nodded for House to continue.
"I saw her with a guy she works with. I guess I got a little jealous."
"There's no such thing as a little jealous."
"Okay fine, I was a lot jealous."
"I thought you trusted her."
"I do," House replied adamantly.
"So why the jealousy?"
"I don't know," he groaned.
"Greg, come on. You know. You always know." Nolan was insistent.
House took a moment to think as he tapped his fingers nervously on the arms of the chair. Nolan just watched him silently.
Finally he admitted, "It's not that I don't trust her, it's him."
Nolan shook his head and laughed. "See...I never understood that."
"What?"
"Well, if you trust the woman you love, then it really doesn't matter what the guy does because no matter what, she's not going to succumb to his advances. If she loves you and I've no doubt Cuddy does, you have nothing to worry about."
"Oh that's deep," he mumbled.
"Of course this isn't about cheating, is it?"
House sighed. "You're just like a shrink, always over analyzing everything." Seeing Nolan wasn't about to give it up, he decided to keep going. "It's not that I think she would cheat, I know she wouldn't. I can't help but think about the day she's going to realize she made a mistake. She'll meet some guy who is all the things I'm not. He'll be easy to talk to, reliable, great with kids and he won't be a pain in the ass and make her life difficult."
"So you're not easy to talk to, you're learning. You're great with her daughter from what you've told me and it seems she likes you being a pain in the ass. Face it, she wants you. You make her happy."
"That's too easy."
"Of course it is because you thrive on complicated. You like puzzles and you need to peel away at the layers. If it's too easy, it's not worth having. You could've had the woman of your dreams years ago but you chose to take the most complicated route."
"Yeah," House snorted.
"Think about it, all you and Cuddy had to do was let down your guard and tell each other how you felt. All you had to do was just talk, and then follow up with meaningful actions. But you didn't and well...we all know what happened. But now things have changed and now you are doing those things so it's time you stop feeling like you aren't the man she needs because you are."
He watched as House toyed with his cane. He decided to try another approach. "You've mentioned that for a long time you didn't understand why your mother stayed with your father. Why do you think she stayed?"
"So all of a sudden this is about my parents?"
"For the moment, yes."
House sighed. He hadn't been prepared to discuss his parents but he knew when Nolan was on a mission, he would not let it go.
"When mom came to visit me recently, she told me though dad wasn't easy to live with and she hated how he treated me, she saw something in him, something that made her believe in him and wanted to keep fighting for him to be a better man. She wanted to leave him early on but didn't because of me and because she believed that he could change."
"Do you believe her?"
"What? That she stayed for me or that he could change?"
"Both."
"My mother never lied to me…except when it came to my biological father. So yeah I believe her reasons. My mom is a good person and she believes the best in people. She never would've left me and I believe she thought he was capable of change."
"So your mom believed the best in people?"
"That's what I said."
"And she saw things in your dad no one else saw."
"Apparently," he said. "What's the point?"
"The same way Cuddy sees things in you that no one else sees."
"So now you're saying I am my father."
Nolan chuckled. "You know Greg, for a brilliant guy, sometimes you are pretty dense. No, you are not your father but you do emulate some of the qualities of each of your parents and your relationship with Cuddy in many ways is shaped by your parents' relationship with each other. Our parents are really our first relationship and that does have a significant impact on how we treat our relationships with others."
House pondered that a few moments, tapping his cane on the floor in silence. He realized Nolan had a point. "Remember when I told you my dad wasn't always bad?"
Nolan perked up.
"He'd take me for ice cream when he came home from a deployment. He taught me how to ride a bike and hit a ball. He gave me this toy rocket I really wanted for my eighth birthday. A couple of times we went hiking. One time when I was sixteen, the neighbor tried to blame me when a baseball went through his car window. It wasn't me but he made threats that he was going to make me pay for it. My dad stood up for me and told him off. There were just some things he did that were okay."
Nolan watched as House lost himself in his memories for a moment. When he talked about his dad, his voice was calm and his eyes seemed distant. When the moment passed he returned to the present and again tapped his fingers nervously on the chair.
"You've talked a lot about being conflicted over the memories you have of your dad. That you remember good things is a step forward in your progress. Maybe we can try to help you remember some more of them."
House gripped his cane firmly and pushed the footrest down. He eased himself out of the recliner and began pacing around the room as he talked.
"I took it upon myself to earn my own money as a kid. I mowed lawns, took out the neighbor's trash, walked their dogs, washed cars and ran errands for them. I earned good grades, was most valuable player in Lacrosse three years in a row, graduated top of my high school class, awarded scholarships that paid for my college education, graduated med school early with not one but two specializations," he said, turning towards Nolan and leaning heavily on his cane. "Instead of telling me he was proud of me or that I'd done the right thing, he'd say that I was spoiled and everything came too easy to me and that one of these days I was going to have to really work for what I wanted. Fuck, I thought I was working hard. Yeah some things came easy to me, but I worked fucking hard the rest of the time and he never gave a shit. I just wanted to know he gave a damn."
House leaned with his back against the windowsill, looking down at the floor. Nolan remained quiet with the hope that House would continue. After all, this is what he wanted, for House to open up and talk about his feelings.
"After the infarction, he and mom visited me in the hospital. I think my mom had to drag him there. Anyway, I was laying in that hospital bed and at the lowest point in my life, he told me that a real man would fight like hell to get out of that bed and use that leg again instead of whining about the pain. He said that I was used to having everything handed to me and that I was going to find out what it was really like to have to work for something." House gripped his cane tightly with both hands and leaned forward, a hint of anger flashed in his eyes. He took a moment to take in a deep breath before he continued.
"After Mayfield," be began a bit more calm, "When I moved in with Wilson, I started hearing voices and thought I was going crazy again. Turned out he was talking to his dead girlfriend at night. He told me it was healing and that I should try it. So I do. I talked to my dad; I told him there were some good memories. I had some flashbacks of good times. Ice cream, birthday parties, playing ball in the park." He relaxed into the credenza behind him, his eyes slightly glazed over. "My mother is a smart woman so she had to see something in him. Recently she said he'd acknowledged he was a lousy dad but when she encouraged him to fix things between us; he confessed that he didn't know how. Not long after that he died. I just wish he would have fucking tried."
Nolan was moved by House's revelations. "Greg, sometimes we need help but we're too afraid to ask because we think it's a sign of weakness. Your mother's strength and love may have helped your father some but obviously it wasn't enough for him to be the father you deserved"
"I thought it was easier to hate him, blame him for my screw-ups. I'm just tired of hating him. He had his bad moments, he had his good moments, that's it. I can't hate him anymore, it just drags me down."
"I'm very glad to hear that Greg. It's unhealthy to carry around so much anger and pain. It's apparent though that your mother loves you very much and wants to be there for you. There's an opportunity to have the relationship with her you've always wanted...and needed."
"I haven't exactly been a good son," House said. "Since I left home at 18, I only went back a few times. I haven't seen her much over the years. Hell, I didn't even have the balls to tell her I was in prison. Wilson had to tell her."
"You made mistakes. That doesn't make you a bad son."
"I never thanked her. For a guy who believes in actions over words, I did a piss poor job of showing her how much I appreciated her."
"It's never too late. Listen, you've made a lot of mistakes in your life and through it all, your mother still loves you."
"I don't know why."
"Because you are her son."
"That makes no sense," House retorted.
Nolan sighed deeply. "It does if you're a parent. The bond between mother and child is exceptionally strong from birth. She carried you for nine months, nurtured you with her own body, and gave you life. She nursed you, held you, comforted you, dried your tears and tried to protect you when she could. Surely you've seen that bond between Cuddy and her daughter."
House nodded and smiled for the first time during the session. "Despite the fact that her own mother is a real pain in the ass, when it comes to being a mom, Cuddy is damn good at it. When Rachel does something wrong, she talks to her or puts her in time-out but that kid always knows she's loved. Cuddy always makes sure of that."
Nolan grinned at House, noting how his face seemed to soften and his posture relaxed when he talked about Cuddy and Rachel.
"Greg, I think it would be good for you to continue building a stronger relationship with your mom. It will help you put the past to rest and find the love and acceptance you've so desperately sought your entire life." Seeing that House was about to open his mouth, no doubt to refute his suggestion, Nolan put his hands up to stop him. "It's time you learn to accept the love you deserve," he said. "And it's time you learn to be able to give love freely without worries or reservations."
"So you think fixing my relationship with mom will fix everything with Cuddy?" He snarked.
"Greg," Nolan said as he leaned forward. "From what I see and hear, you and Cuddy have made amazing progress on your own. While I don't think it fixes everything, I do think that building a stronger, healthier relationship with your mom will help not just with Cuddy but with all of your relationships."
"Easier said than done," House mused.
"True. It takes tremendous strength and work to find inner peace and put the demons to rest. At times it requires forgiveness, not just of those who have wronged you ofbut yourself too. Greg, I promise you that when you finally have the courage to take that step, it will feel as if a great burden has been lifted. You will feel different." As an afterthought he added, "At least continue to talk to your mom, get closer to her and become a real part of each other's lives, as you've never been before."
House nodded.
"Good. Now, we've got some time left. Do you want to take a break or keep at this?"
"Let's do it. I'm not sure if I take a break from this that I'll be willing to come back today."
"Okay," Nolan said slapping his hands on his knees. "Now, I would like to know more about your conversations with Cuddy this past weekend that is if you want to share. I'm assuming you made up after your argument?"
"Yeah, we talked about some things like that green card marriage. I never realized how much I'd hurt her doing that. She asked if I loved Dom—that woman and if I'd had sex with her. I told her I no on both counts."
"Did she seem relieved when you told her that?"
"Yeah." He stopped twirling the cane. "I think she knew it already but needed to hear it from me. I can't believe I ever did that to her."
"You were angry."
"I was more than angry. I wanted her feel every bit the pain I felt."
"You didn't think she was hurting enough?"
"How did I know? She went on about her life as if nothing happened; at least that's what it looked like. Of course I was too high on drugs and wallowing in self-pity to stop and take a closer look. If I had, maybe I would've seen through her facade and realized she hurt as much as I did. She just did a good job of hiding it."
"Like you, she has a tendency to keep things inside."
"Yeah." House agreed.
"If you and Cuddy broke up again, how would you handle it?"
House glared at him. "Why?"
"It's a legitimate question."
House leaned his head back against the chair and pursed his lips tight. "I don't want to think about it."
"I'm not saying it'll happen, rather I want to know if you would try and maintain your sobriety and fight the urge to wallow in self-pity and destruction."
"I don't want to go back to being that person," House insisted.
"Good. I want you to remember you are not alone and that you can count on the people who care about you. Sometimes bad things happen and when they do, you're going to have to be strong and fight the urge to revert back to self-destructive ways. Use your support system, lean on it."
"What if I relapse and she leaves me again?" In the back of his mind, it had bothered him that there might be a time when he would relapse.
"All I can tell you is that while you can't control her reaction, you can control yours. You need to talk to her about this because relapses do happen, you're only human. You need to know your support system is there for you and they need to realize that it could happen and understand their role in helping you."
House pursed his lips thoughtfully. He may banter and argue with Nolan but one thing he knew was he did respect the hell out of the man and he knew Nolan had only his best interests at heart.
"I'll talk to her."
Nolan smiled. "Good." Nolan leaned back in his chair with a satisfied smile. Determined to keep going, he asked, "So, how is your relationship with Rachel progressing?"
"I told her about my leg."
"Really? What made you do that?"
"I heard her tell her mom she didn't want me to be sad anymore and I knew I had to explain to her about why I am in pain and how I was scared of losing my leg and how her mom saved my life."
"You told her that?"
"Yeah. I know she's just a little kid but she's damn perceptive. She didn't bat an eye when I talked to her about it." He smiled at the memory of the conversation with Rachel.
Nolan nodded emphatically. "Kids are remarkably perceptive and have a tendency to see things without filters. They see people and situation soften exactly as they are, without adult prejudices and preconceived notions to distort their view."
"She's smart, like her mother."
"You're obviously a good influence on her. She's learning a lot from you."
"Kids are like sponges, they absorb everything."
"That they do. It's obvious you care about them very much."
"Yeah, I do."
"That's good Greg, that's really good." Nolan glanced at the clock and rubbed his hands together. "I wish we had more time but I've got someone coming in right after you."
House stood up. "No problem, I'm all talked out anyway."
"I'm sure. So...same time next week?"
"Yeah." House limped over to the door but hesitated and turned around.
"Something else, Greg?" Nolan asked, looking up.
House tapped his cane on the floor. "There's just one more thing. I've come to a realization," he said, still looking at the ground.
"And what's that?"
"There was a time when the only thing that mattered to me was my job. Now, all I can think about is them."
Nolan walked around to the front of his desk and leaned back on it, crossing his arms. "Well, that's certainly not a bad thing," he said.
"I'm distracted."
Nolan looked at him curiously.
"When we were together, I lost a couple of patients. There was this one night when she was receiving a big award. It was a big night for her and she wanted me there. I'd planned to go but at the last minute I decided not to. My patient died and well…I wound up drowning my sorrows at a bar, then I went to Cuddy's house in the middle of the night, blaming her for everything."
"Go on," Nolan urged gently.
"I told her being in love with her made me a crappy doctor. I blamed her for not being able to focus on my work. I told her it was her fault my patients died. Then, in a pathetically drunken stupor I told her that I would gladly choose her over my work, that she was worth it."
"Wow."
"The truth was that I never missed anything that would've saved those patients. They were going to die regardless. I just couldn't handle that. I was in love with her, it felt so incredibly good and I was scared. The only thing I ever really had that I could count on was this," he pointed to his head. "I blamed her when I wasn't focused and I shouldn't have done that. It was stupid because it wasn't her fault," he said, his voice clearly reflecting his guilt.
"So she's distracting you again?"
"I'm not making mistakes, it's just that instead of thinking about work all the time like I've always done, I'm thinking about her. I'm thinking about the next phone call and the next time I'll see her. I need my cases, but I need her….them too."
Nolan was both surprised and greatly moved by House's confession. "I see. Greg, have you given more thought to maybe...moving closer to them?"
"I'm a creature of habit."
"I'm well aware."
"I've lived in the same apartment for years. I've had the same guitars, same piano, same clothes, same job..." House drifted off.
"Same...friend," Nolan replied, finishing the sentence for him.
House smirked at his reference to Wilson. "Yeah."
"You have a comfort zone there which is understandable, but you're also missing something that is a very important part of your life now. I know how much you hate change but your life has changed, you've changed. It was inevitable that this would happen but this is a good thing Greg, it seems you've finally found what makes you happy. At some point in time you'll have to decide what you're going to do about it."
"I don't know if I'm ready...to do anything about it...yet."
"Nobody's forcing you, just do what feels right. Think about what you want out of your life and how you're going to get it. What you want is no longer unattainable, it's there when you want it; you just have to have the courage to go for it."
"You think I can?" He asked.
"I don't think, I know. When you're ready to make that commitment, you'll know it and it may be easier than you think," Nolan replied with complete certainty.
Hearing his response, House looked up at Nolan, his brows furrowed, his lips pursed together in contemplation. "Thanks," he said, nodding with a slight but relaxed grin before he turned around and opened the door then closing it quietly behind him.
As he made his way down the steps of the brownstone toward his car, House felt more at ease than when he'd arrived. It felt good to talk about the things on his mind. As much as he chastised the psychiatry profession publicly, privately he knew it worked, he was living proof of that. Nolan had helped him a great deal. They'd touched on a lot of areas and he this session gave him a lot to think about. As he got in the car and made the trip back to Princeton, he reminisced over a particular part of their conversation.
"So you think fixing my relationship with mom will fix everything with Cuddy?" He snarked.
"Greg," Nolan said as he leaned forward. "From what I see and hear, you and Cuddy have made amazing progress on your own. While I don't think it fixes everything, I do think that building a stronger, healthier relationship with your mom will help not just with Cuddy but with all of your relationships."
"Easier said than done."
"True. It takes tremendous strength and work to find inner peace and to forgive, not just those who have wronged you but yourself too. Greg, I promise you that when you finally have the courage to take that step, it will feel as if a great burden has been lifted. You will feel different." As an afterthought he added, "At least continue to talk to your mom, get closer to her. Become a real part of each other's lives, as you've never been before."
Not far from Nolan's office, he pulled over to the side of the road and took out his cell phone and dialed. After a few seconds the party on the other end picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hi, mom."
"Gregory dear, it's wonderful to hear from you. How are you?"
"Fine. Listen...would you mind if I flew down to see you this weekend?"