"Holy shit, man."

"Scotch, double?"

"Thanks."

"Yeah, yeah buddy I'm gonna need you to keep 'em coming…" said Fin, throwing the bartender knowing eyes as Elliot sat slumped in the chair opposite. "Just keep 'em coming."

"Honest to God I just wanted to come back and make it right with her. Apologise, try and explain. I just couldn't leave it unfinished. I couldn't do that to her…." the shoulders of his black leather jacket squeaked as Elliot downed his drink in one and swallowed hard, "… and I couldn't leave without her forgiveness. If that's just damn selfish then I'm sorry. I'm a selfish bastard to the end."

"When you say sick? What are we…."

"Cancer, stage 4. They found it late. They tried a few things. Same old tired story…." no longer caring to recall the details of what had passed before the ceasefire Elliot sighed, "… but at this point I'm needing to skip past a few chapters. Get to writing the final one, you know?"

"No, no I don't but I'm listening." This was the single kindest thing Odafin Tutuola could have said to him in that moment, topped only by the addition of, "Tell me what I can do."

"I've messed up Fin and not for the first time. I shouldn't have come back here, I shouldn't have reopened the box. Never mind me for me but for her…."

"What did you expect?" was the question that Elliot had asked himself a thousand times and still genuinely had no answer for. "What'd you think would happen? You know what the two of you were. What you still would be if you hadn't walked away. What made you think she'd forgotten that any more than you clearly have?"

"Wishful thinking?" he offered, then with a pained laugh, "Self-delusion?"

"More important what do you expect to happen now? I'm guessing you didn't part on good terms. How're you gonna fix this? How are you going to fix this for her Elliot?"

"I don't know."

"You gotta tell her."

"I know."

"You owe her that, if nothing else you owe her that."

"I know."

"How long are we talking?" asked Fin, pushing aside his own reactions to help a friend.

Elliot was his friend. He was an angry, selfish, stubborn asshole at times but he had goodness. He was a good man, underneath it all. What they had once been was still there too. Imperfect, challenging, fractious, but ultimately Fin cared for Elliot. Not just because of what he meant to Olivia, but because they were forever connected by whatever strange ties bound anyone who knew what it was to work in that squad room.

"Not long enough."

"Stabler?"

"I'll be lucky to see this time next year."

"Tell her."

"I…."

"You've already stolen five years from her and I actually think she might be brave or stupid enough to forgive you that….." locking Elliot's eyes Fin nodded gravely, "…. but taking this from her? Stealing whatever's left? She'd never get over that. You'd die with her hating you and she'd spent the rest of her life haunted."

"You're right, I know you are."

"Then don't do it to her…." said Fin firmly, "… it pains me beyond belief to say it Elliot but she deserves the chance to have you back in her life for however long you've got. If she doesn't want it, fine, but you don't get to make that call. Not this time."

"I can't think of anything I am less inclined to do."

"Liv…"

"Excuse me, I'll rephrase…." she had no idea why Fin was suddenly putting up such a fight on Elliot's behalf but Olivia remained poised, "… there is nothing I want to do less than let him come here."

"I think you should."

"What's gotten into you anyway? You've never been an advocate for Elliot in your life and now you're here practically cuffing me to my desk."

"I know, I know and I get that it's all a little off. I do. He was an asshole then; he's been an asshole since he popped back up. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to him and honestly there's a part of me that would rather he stayed the hell away from you."

"So why…." something was wrong, and she could sense it not just in the way that Elliot had behaved but in how Fin was being with her now. He had softened with regards Elliot, and that softening only ever happened in Fin with just cause. "What do you know right now that I don't?"

"Olivia I'm not asking you to trust him…." said Fin calmly, "… but I'm asking you to trust me."

"Okay."

"You need to hear what he has to say."

"Okay, okay fine, he can come see me."

"This better be good."

"Liv…."

"Whatever it is that you have to say that means I am here with you right now and not at home reading my son bedtime stories…." narrowing her eyes she hissed, "… better be damn good, Stabler."

"I've made a lot of mistakes. Some big, some small, but none of them that I regret more than the way I've handled things with you."

"I am so done with this, all of this. I am so over your strange, maudlin, apologies that go around and around without ever really getting to the point. You left, you came back, and then you tried to leave againis it . Now you're here in my office and you want…." shrugging coldly Olivia sighed, "… what exactly that you want from me Elliot? Because honestly I am done."

"I wanted to come back here and try to explain things to you. Try to offer something by way of an explanation of how things all went wrong, how long it took for me to even begin to start putting them right again. I could've stayed away, I could. Maybe that was the better choice but I couldn't. I couldn't leave stuff unsaid. I couldn't leave any doubt, any room for doubt, any doubt in your mind."

"Elliot what is going…."

"I was in love with you all along Olivia."

"What?" she asked, quite startled by his sudden candour.

"I'm not really sure when I realised it, but I know I fought against it. You were my best friend, you were everything, and I there was nothing that I wanted more than to love you the way I knew in my blood and bones I was born to but I couldn't. I was married and the kids and it was complicated and…."

"Where is all this coming from?"

"Maybe this isn't fair, maybe telling you all this now is just to ease my own sorry conscience. To free myself from all this and I'm dumping it on you only to just…."

"Elliot for the love of God!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is just harder than I…."

"What is it?" she asked, her voice a soft whisper as she searched his face. Brown eyes wide and deeply compassionate, seeing the look of utter loss and bewilderment etched in every line.

"I'm dying, Liv."

"What?" she felt cold suddenly, the world came in and out of focus and there was a strange rushing of white noise deafening her.

"I'm sick and they can't fix it and I can handle it, I can handle it all…." staring at her, desperately, as she leant back against the park railing, bending at the knee and folding to the cold concrete he felt tears fill his eyes, "… but I can't handle this…. I can't handle the way you're looking at me right now."

"I…." her mouth opened and made the shape but no sound emerged. Closing her jaw she swallowed hard, shaking her head steadily and fighting hard against a rush of blood to her head.

"I know I walked away, I messed up and wasted so much time, but I had to come back…." lowering his gaze he mumbled, "… to say goodbye."

"I need some time Elliot."

"That's funny."

"What?" she prickled, looking up from the washbasin in the precinct bathroom. Elliot stood in the doorway, arms folded and managing a pained smile.

"Funny is probably the wrong word."

"Probably!" she felt borderline hysterical.

"Time is the one thing I can't give you Liv."

"Oh my God…." it hit her in waves, creeping at first and then crashing into her and giving her that awful winded feeling of dread and helplessness. "Is this real? Is this really happening?"

"What can I do?" he asked, moving forward as she stood braced against the sink. Her head was dropped and her hair fell in her face.

"Leave me alone."

"I….."

"This isn't fair Elliot….." throwing her head back she took a giant gulp of air and turned to him, "… this is not fair!"

"I'm sorry. I know. I'm so sorry. I just didn't know what to…."

"I love you."

"Liv…."

"I loved you that whole time and then you left. I can't remember a time I wasn't in love with you. The sick irony of all of this is that I was probably in love with you all along as well. If only we'd known, huh?!"

"Don't do this, don't make it…."

"It's taken me five years to even learn to pretend to have forgotten, to block it out, and then you come back and you make me feel it all again and now…."

Cut glass, a thin sheet of ice, Olivia felt like she was so close to losing her grip that she wanted to crawl out of her own skin: it just wasn't fair. She couldn't get away from that feeling, like Noah when he really, really wanted something and he wasn't allowed or he couldn't achieve it. It was just out of reach but you could see it, feel it, and imagine what it would be like.

She wanted to wake up a week ago and none of this have happened. Go on with her new life, with Noah and Ed Tucker in sweet obliviousness. In the space of a few days she had been given a glimpse of everything, and then had it all taken away again in the most bitter, tragic way imaginable.

Now she stood in a hopeless no man's land. Unable to forget, but unable to move forward either and crippled by the constant awareness that there was no way out of this without exquisite pain. She wanted to touch him, feel him, kiss him, spend every possible last moment with him and yet doing so would only make it harder in the end.

"Olivia…."

"No! No don't touch me…." recoiling, staggering on her boot heel she held up both palms in front of her body and shook her head vehemently side to side, "… don't you touch me." When a safe distance had been recouped she said "I never gave up hope. It was stupid and naïve and selfish maybe, but I didn't. I pretended to have, even to myself, because it was shameful. I slept with other men, knowing full well they'd never have me completely. I was ashamed that when I closed my eyes at night I still dreamt that one day you'd walk back into my life and…."

"I never gave up hope either, Liv."

"It doesn't matter now, does it?"

"It does, it does and…."

"After seventeen years of trying to fool each other and ourselves we're stood here. We're stood right here together and you love me and I love you, and we've finally admitted it, and there's nothing standing in the way except…." her face crumbling and the words rasping through tears Olivia couldn't continue.

"Can I…." moving forward Elliot offered his hands, his arms, his face so soft and filled with love and concern as he tried to hold her.

"No."

"I…"

"I can't do this. I can't lose you again; I don't have it in me. Let's just end this now."

"What?" he said, his arms dropping as his heart thundered into panic.

"I don't want to see you again…." shutting down, face grey and eyes glazed Olivia muttered, "… it's too hard."

"No, no Liv you…."

"Goodbye Elliot."

She left the bathroom, and he let her. Staring blankly, helplessly at the wall in front of him Elliot felt cold. The coldest he had ever known, as though his blood were no longer warming his body. She was right it wasn't fair, it wasn't right, but it was happening. This was beginning of the end; the hope was gone.