House and Cuddy sat on the couch together while Rachel lay in the recliner immersed in a Disney movie. House had already polished off two ham and cheese sandwiches and was nearly finished with a bowl of minestrone soup. Cuddy laughed as she watched him eat for she had no idea where all that food went. He had an appetite like a horse and never gained a pound.
"I can't believe you're actually letting me eat in the living room. What's happened to you woman?" He asked between slurps.
"I wanted you to be able to put your leg up. But now that you mention it, I'm having second thoughts." She snarked.
"Feet up on the table? I like this non-control freak Cuddy." He said.
"I can bring back her alter ego at a moment's notice," she joked.
House waggled his eyebrows and Cuddy leaned back against the arm of the sofa smirking. "So...you finally told everyone?" She asked in reference to their earlier conversation about the hospital.
"Yep, not a secret anymore. Everyone knows. The boss, team, even Wilson."
She sighed. "Good."
House dipped his spoon in his soup and stirred it with a thoughtful expression.
"What's up?"
"Wilson." The subject of leaving his best friend behind had nagged him all day.
From his tone she understood. "He's not taking it well is he?"
He shook his head no and slurped another spoonful of soup. "He hasn't actually said anything but I can tell."
"What are we going to do?"
"We?" He looked up at her curiously.
"Duh. He's my friend too."
"Yeah but you're not abandoning him."
"You're not and don't forget I left him back in Princeton when Rachel and I moved."
"That wasn't abandoning."
"And neither is what you're doing."
"He needs me."
"I know. You need him too. I'm sure our gut is telling us what we should do but reality says that you can't just drag your best friend with you everywhere you go."
"Reality bites."
"It does."
"What if an opportunity presented itself?" He asked, hopefully.
She shrugged. "It's possible. Maybe there's an opening somewhere."
"Do you think he'd go for it?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I just know he'll miss you and you'll miss him. You guys have this completely unconventional needy relationship. You love each other one minute and kick the crap out of each other the next. You abuse one another and still go back for more."
"Sounds like us."'
"Which is why I get it." She smiled. She was probably the only person outside House and Wilson who got that friendship.
"I hate leaving him back there, all alone, no one to take care of him."
Cuddy scoffed. "He's not a pet."
House put his spoon down and picked up his bowl and drank the remainder of his soup. Cuddy shook her head in disgust.
"What?"
"Now I know where Rachel learned that!" She whispered loudly.
"She does it too?" He couldn't stifle his laughter.
"Yes and she stubbornly refused to tell me where she learned it."
"That's my girl," he said. He grinned as he remembered the night a few years earlier when he and Rachel sat at the table alone after Cuddy had to take a call from the hospital. When House was sure she was in the other room, he put the bowl up to his mouth and finished the rest of his soup. When he finished, he put his bowl down and glanced over at Rachel who had done the same. Of course she got more soup on her than in her mouth and she'd made an absolute mess, giggling as she put her empty bowl on the table and smacked her lips as House had done. House had cleaned her up quickly, making her promise not to do it again, at least not around her mother.
House nodded towards Rachel. "Speaking of, do you think she liked her birthday present?"
Cuddy glanced at her daughter. "Yeah. That was pretty wonderful."
"I didn't know what else to get her. She's already got so many toys."
"You did great. It was the perfect gift because she loves the science stuff. She's going to love us taking her there."
"Hey, did you tell her I'm moving in?"
"No, I thought we'd tell her together."
"You think she'll be okay with it?"
"Seriously? Have you met her? She practically worships the ground you walk on." Cuddy took the remote and turned down the television, then turned to Rachel. "Hey Rach," she said. Rachel looked over at her. "Remember when I told you that House would be visiting more often?"
Rachel shook her head.
"Well, how would you like it if instead of visiting us, he just moved here for good?"
Rachel's eyes got wide. "Could he live here?"
"Uh huh," Cuddy replied.
She shot out of the recliner and ran over to the couch and hugged her mother. Cuddy glanced at House with an "I told you so" look.
"I take it you approve?"
Rachel nodded her head vigorously, her dark blue eyes shining with excitement. She looked over at House. "We can go to museums all the time and you can teach me stuff and show me how to ride a bike and everything, right?" Rachel was beaming and jumping around excitedly. Cuddy eased her hands around Rachel and sat her down so she wouldn't accidentally step on House's thigh.
"Yep, kid I sure will."
Rachel stood up on the cushion between them and threw her little arms around his neck. "I love you Howse."
House was overcome with emotion and Cuddy watched as he took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he wrapped his free arm around Rachel. When he finally opened them, they were misty and Cuddy decided to intervene to give him a moment. She tried to take Rachel but he held fast to the little girl, mouthing the words "hold on" as he held her a few moment moments longer. He could not deny the little girl had long ago stolen his heart. It felt good to be needed and loved by her. When he let her go, she let out a yawn.
"Okay kiddo time for bed," her mother said, smacking her lightly on the butt.
"Aww do I have to?" Leaning against House with her hands on her hips and a pout on her face, House thought she looked every bit like Cuddy.
"Yes, you have to. Come on, I'll read you a story."
"The one about the turtle and the snail?"
"Whatever you want. Why don't you go find it for me?" Rachel climbed off the couch and ran towards her room but then she stopped and did a complete about-face and ran back to the couch and stood in front of House who was still reeling from the events a few moments earlier.
"Yes?" He asked.
She reached her arms out again. "Night." He leaned forward and hugged her again. She placed an unexpected sloppy kiss on his cheek and turned and padded quickly to her room.
Cuddy got up from the couch and stood between House's legs. He wrapped his arms around her hips and buried his face in her stomach, relishing her warmth. She leaned down and kissed his head and ran her fingers through his hair.
"You okay?" She asked softly.
He sighed. "Yeah. Just sometimes..." He didn't finish the sentence hoping she understood.
"I know." She said. And she did know. There were moments when the emotions she felt for Rachel were overwhelming and she only imagined what it was like for House who had spent years keeping his emotions to himself.
"It's been a long day," she said. "Why don't you grab a shower and relax? I'll join you as soon as I get her in bed and clean up." She kissed the top of his head again and left him as she joined Rachel down the hall.
House sat there a few minutes more trying to collect himself then he got up and took his dishes into the kitchen and set them in the sink. He turned to walk out when something stopped him. He turned back towards the sink and rinsed his dishes and put them in the dishwasher. He wiped off the counter and tidied things up and once he was satisfied, he turned out the light and exited the kitchen. On his way out he chuckled to himself. He knew Cuddy would've taken care of it but something compelled him to do it. He didn't even have to think twice. He didn't have to do it, he wanted to. For her.
Twenty minutes later, House had finished a very long and hot shower and changed into his pajamas and lay on top of the bed reading a journal. He got up and glanced down the hallway and noticed all the lights were off as he'd left them but the soft glow emanated from underneath Rachel's door. He limped down the hall quietly to see what was going on. As he approached he stood near the door and watched. Cuddy lay nestled on the bed with Rachel, her back to the door and blocking Rachel's view as well.
"Mommy, is Howse really going to stay?"
"He sure is. Does that make you happy?"
"Uh huh."
"It makes me happy too."
"I hope he doesn't leave. I like when he plays with me and reads me stories. He tells me I'm smart too. Please don't let him go away again."
Hearing Rachel's heartfelt words warmed her own heart and confirmed once again how stupid she had been in breaking up with him. "Rachel," Cuddy said, softly. "You know how adults think they know it all?" Rachel nodded. Her mommy was always telling her that she knows best. "Well, we don't always know everything. In fact, we make a lot of mistakes."
"You make mistakes?" Rachel asked, appearing shocked.
Cuddy nestled in closer to Rachel. "Oh honey if you only knew. When House and I were together before, we needed to help each other get through some tough times but we just didn't know how to do it. We made a lot of mistakes. And that's why he left. It wasn't his fault, at least not all of it, it was my fault too."
"Is that why you were so sad?"
"Yeah."
"But you're not sad now, right?"
"No, I am not sad anymore. You're too young to understand right now but someday you will. Someday...when you find a boy you really like, you will understand. You see, House and I have loved each other for a very long time...since long before you were born. We were just scared."
"Nothing scares you mommy," she said.
"Everyone is afraid of something."
"But why?"
Cuddy thought about how to explain it in terms Rachel would understand. "Well honey, imagine having a toy...one you love so much, it's your favorite toy in the whole world but it's rare and made special, just for you. Now because it was especially made for you you know that if you break it, you can never get another one, it's gone forever. So, you decide to put the toy in a safe place...where you can look at it but not play with it, and it stays safe."
"But mommy what's the fun of having a toy if you can't play with it?" Rachel asked, wise beyond her years.
"It isn't any fun sweetie but it's kind of what I did with House. I felt like he was made just for me and I was afraid that if I made a mistake and hurt him or something happened and we weren't friends anymore, that I'd lose him for good. So for a long time mommy kind of put House on a shelf. I admired him from afar but I never allowed myself to enjoy being with him."
Rachel snuggled up with her mother. "I'm glad you're not sad or scared anymore."
"Me too."
"Is Howse part of our family now?"
"Oh honey, yes, he has always been a part of our family, even when he didn't know it."
"Do you think he will ever want to be my real daddy?"
Cuddy suddenly got a lump in her throat. She didn't know how to respond. With a sigh she said finally, "Well we'd have to ask him about that. Would you like it if he were your daddy?"
Rachel beamed and shook her head vigorously.
Cuddy hugged her tightly to her. She hadn't planned on such an emotional conversation but for five years old Rachel was wise beyond her years.
"Honey, a daddy loves you, protects you, and keeps you safe, right?" Rachel nodded. "And a daddy takes care of you when you're sick, teaches you things, makes you laugh, and watches your favorite movies with you, right?" Rachel nodded again. "Well, House may not be your biological daddy but he loves you all the same. In a way he's better because he's House and he's yours and nobody else in the world has a House except you." She put her finger on Rachel's nose and the little girl giggled.
"Do you understand?"
"Uh huh. I like having a Howse!"
"That's my good girl. Now, you ready for bed?"
"Uh huh."
"Okay, under the covers." Cuddy tucked her in and gave her a kiss, and then she got up to leave the room.
"Night mommy," Rachel said.
"Night baby."
House had been at the door the entire time and when Cuddy got up from the bed, he limped quickly back down the hall and into her bedroom. In an attempt to sort things out in his head he felt like he needed to be doing something so he picked up his suitcase and unpacked it, placing his clothes in the empty drawer of Cuddy's dresser. He recalled Rachel's words. Every time he heard Rachel talk so fondly of him it warmed his heart. It also scared him because he realized just what was at stake. There were three hearts on the line.
Cuddy entered the bedroom and saw House, his back to her, putting away his things.
"Hey," she said, closing the door behind her but leaving it cracked as she always did.
"Hey." He closed the drawer and looked into the mirror above the dresser. He just stood there staring into it, his eyes on her.
Their eyes never left each other as she walked over to him. She stretched her arms around him from behind and leaned her head into his back and kissed him through is tee shirt. His hands clasped hers over his chest.
"I heard what you told Rachel," he said.
"How much?"
"All of it." He said as he turned to face her.
"Oh."
"So I'm her House?" He couldn't help the grin.
She giggled. "Cute huh?"
He nodded. "So much sugar it makes my teeth hurt."
She smiled. "I meant it." She took a deep breath knowing she was entering unchartered territory. "When we first got together we never talked about the role you would play in her life. We avoided that conversation like the plague. I never gave you the chance with her before. I guess I was scared it wasn't something you'd want. I figured if we just didn't talk about it, somehow it would work itself out eventually. But if you actually came out and said it...that you didn't want to be a father...ever...well...I didn't want to prepare myself for that."
He placed his hands on her hips and stroked her sides. "It wasn't something I wanted, not back then anyway, because I just didn't think I was the kind of man you could depend on like that. At first I took care of her and got along with her just to please you but I knew eventually it would come up and I wasn't prepared for what I knew you wanted...which was for me to step up." He looked down, as if ashamed. "But somewhere along the way something changed. I really started to like her. She was a good kid and smart...and I liked spending time with her but I just...I didn't see any point in encouraging anything because in the back of my mind I didn't think we'd last."
She sighed and latched on to his biceps, running her hands up and down his muscular arms. "I remember accusing you of holding back and you turned the tables on me and told me that I was holding back and not putting everything I had into it...that I wouldn't let you sleep over or get to know Rachel. You were absolutely right. I was protecting myself, always worried that it was you who would walk away, that you would break my heart and hers too but in the end I was wrong. In the end, it was me." She lowered her eyes, still ashamed of her behavior, of not having more faith in him. She'd always felt that if she had shown more faith, encouraged him more, he would have had the confidence he needed to be there for her.
He lifted her chin. "I don't think I ever could've walked away first but you had a right to be afraid. I was so sure I was the last person on earth who should be anyone's father."
"But you're wonderful with her now and I look back and remember times when you two bonded. It was there, subtle but there. I couldn't figure out how you'd done it but you did. I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive."
He pulled her to him and rested his chin on the top of her head. "I forgive you for that just like you've forgiven me for a million and one things Cuddy." He kissed her neck. "She really is a good kid. She just grows on you. I just don't want to do anything that would make her hate me like I hated my dad."
"While a few years ago I worried that you might not want to bond with her or that you might walk away, I never thought for a moment you would do anything to intentionally hurt her. House, I never once believed you could ever hurt any child."
He was quiet for a moment, just losing himself in her words and her touch. Once he had hated the thought of opening up and exposing his innermost thoughts and feelings but Cuddy had helped him realize that he could do that and not feel vulnerable or weak. The moments when they bared their feelings to each other were among their most intimate and it no longer had him running scared. Rather, he looked forward to those precious moments as they always gained new ground and brought them closer together.
"I heard you tell Rachel that I was a part of your family even before I knew it," he whispered.
She smiled into his chest and hummed a deep and very pleasant sounding sigh. "It's true you know. You've been a part of me..." Suddenly she felt overwhelmed with emotion and her breath hitched and she held him tighter.
He pulled away gently and lifted her chin and nodded for her to continue. He wanted to hear what she had to say.
"You've been in my heart for so long I don't remember a time when I didn't love you. Even when you crashed my dates and mocked me and made my life a living hell, I loved you."
His heart broke when he saw the tears in her eyes.
"Why are you crying?"
"Relief." She smiled through her tears. "I've got everything I ever wanted right here in this house," she said, sobbing. "I've got Rachel and I've got you and I've never been so happy. Sometimes I'm so happy it terrifies me."
"You're insane," he said, laughing as he pulled her to him.
"That's what makes us so good together," she said, now laughing and crying at the same time. "I don't ever want to push you away again."
"You won't, I won't let you. When things get tough, we'll figure it out."
She looked at him, her eyes full of sincerity. "We will, right? We'll keep working at it. No lies, no deflections, just the raw and honest truth. You tell me what you feel, I do the same. Even if it's something neither of us wants to hear, we have to do that."
"Okay," he gulped. "You know it's still hard for me sometimes."
She gazed at him. His blue eyes were burning with sincerity and also love and-hope. It was the most amazing sight to her because for so many years, it was all she ever wanted for him, for them. Hope.
"Me too. We can work on it together." She reached up and gently caressed his cheek and then he smiled at her and it warmed her heart. It was that precious smile he reserved for her when he was truly happy and most content. It wasn't just his lips smiling, it was his eyes too, in fact his whole face lit up. She'd first seen that look in Michigan and then again in his apartment when she'd confessed her love for him the night of the crane collapse. A year after the incident at her house, she could still see that smile in her dreams and for so long she had wondered if she'd ever see it again.
House took her hand from his cheek, brought it to his lips and kissed her palm.
"I love you," he said. God how he loved her. He loved her more than he'd ever loved anyone, even Stacy. While he'd loved Stacy and they'd been good together, everything was just more passionate, intense and exciting with Cuddy and it had been like that since the moment they first met in college. He'd often scoffed at the notion of chemistry but with Cuddy, he knew it existed. It seemed they were just meant to be together given how they had been in each other's circles for so many years. What they shared was a deeper a connection than any he had ever experienced and beyond anything he could rationally explain. It still amazed him that once they finally forgave and decided to let the past go, everything just seemed to fall into place. House, having been programmed for most of his life to expect the worst, was never completely comfortable with the idea of letting go but he knew Cuddy was the same way and they would have to work at it together. With Cuddy, he felt he could conquer the world and after all the heartache and disappointment in his life, he finally felt a genuine happiness he thought had eluded him forever.
Hearing House's declaration of love, Cuddy's heart nearly exploded with happiness. It wasn't often he said it, so she knew when he did it was completely heartfelt and true. She thought about what she'd told him, how everything she had ever wanted was right in front of her. It was true. Rachel and House were her family. Family. The mere thought of it made her giddy. When they'd been together before, it hadn't felt that way. They had held back, too scared to go all in knowing that being too invested would mean the pain would be decimating if it fell apart. But now they had gone all in and everything had changed and she silently thanked God for that. She leaned up on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around his neck tightly and when her lips were nearly joined with his she whispered,
"I love you too."
The next morning House and Cuddy were at the hospital early. House received a call from Baker the night before indicating that his meeting with the Board of Trustees was rescheduled from late afternoon to early morning and that members of the hospital's administrative council would be present as well.
The group of about twenty sat around the table with coffee and Danish as introductions were made. When she was confident that everyone who wanted to attend had arrived and been introduced, Dr. Baker began the meeting.
"Dr. House," she said. "On behalf of MGH, I'd like to welcome you. We're still working on your contract however you have tentatively accepted our offer and I thought it would be a good idea to get some housekeeping out of the way. My apologies to everyone for rescheduling this meeting so early but with the upcoming holiday, people are already starting to take time off and it's proved quite a task getting everyone together. Now, as I explained previously, the Board requested this meeting for a few reasons. One, we wanted to introduce Dr. House to the Board and discuss a few specifics of the position and the department and two," she turned to House, "there are some issues regarding your past personal and professional conduct that need to be addressed so as to remove any doubt or questions and allow us to begin this new relationship amicably."
House nodded as did several of the individuals around the table. Baker leaned back in her chair and motioned to the Board Chair Alex Powers, a middle-aged friendly looking man who smiled and nodded.
"Dr. House, I believe I speak for my colleagues when I say there is no doubt in our minds that your expertise and knowledge will be a great asset to this hospital. There isn't a person in this room who doesn't know of your medical genius." He leaned forward, clasping his hands in front of him and looking more serious. "That being said, you have an unusually high number of lawsuits due to unorthodox methods in treating patients. We've heard the stories but we'd like to give you the opportunity to weigh in."
"Me?"
"Yes. According to Dr. Cuddy and Dr. Stevens, there is...shall I say...a method to your madness?"
House sighed. He wished Cuddy were there with him to help him explain but he knew he had to do it on his own. It surprised him that Stevens would defend him, maybe he wasn't so bad after all. He cleared his throat.
"When patients come to me, I'm their last hope. It's my job to do everything I can to find the answer. Sometimes, it's a dirty job because when all normal avenues are exhausted, the only roads left are not pretty. I grew up in a military household, I know about rules. I know they're in place for a reason and I am not entirely opposed to them but in my line of work, things are different."
One of the Board members interrupted. "So you're saying your patients are more important than others? Other doctors have patients who are just as ill and in need of treatment. They still must go through the normal channels."
House shook his head. "I understand that but the people I treat have nowhere else to go." He looked around the table at the department heads in attendance. "We don't know if it's a heart issue or cancer or endocrine or neurological or whatever. If we did, they wouldn't be my patient. Not knowing the illness means not knowing how to treat. I'm the end of the line for them and if I don't find the answer, they die or are left severely debilitated by their illness. Nobody wants to use random treatments to rule things out but sometimes we have to. I can't tell you how many times we thought it was one thing but it turned out to be something else. The bottom line is that my patients don't have the luxury of time to wait around for a committee to convene and decide if the course of treatment is okay. If I wait, they could die. I don't take this lightly…my team and I spend a lot of time doing differentials, pouring through texts, discussing symptoms and researching case histories and every piece of patient information we can get our hands on…and that means anything and everything. Every patient is different, every approach is different. We're starting from scratch every single time."
House let out a deep sigh and leaned back in his chair. If that didn't convince them of why his methods were so unusual then he didn't think they'd ever get it. He was beginning to wonder if it was worth fighting these people. He was brought out of his thoughts by a question from another member of the Board.
"Which leads me to a question; is it true that your team breaks into patient's homes?"
House sighed. "Yes." He saw a few people shake their heads.
"Look...everybody lies. Everybody. Everybody has something they don't want other people to know. It may be something big, it may be something small. But it's something. Sometimes these lies...or if it makes you feel better…omissions…cover up details...seemingly small, insignificant details the patient and family thinks aren't important. I can't do my job unless they are completely honest. It's human nature to lie, it's about self-preservation. I can't say I blame them, I've been known to do it myself. But...when you're lying in a hospital bed sick and dying, that's not the time to lie and yet people do it anyway. So, in answer to your question, yes, I've had my team enter patients' homes and at times their places of employment with or without consent to snoop in an effort to find whatever it is they aren't telling us."
"Dr. House, that's completely inappropriate," replied the Board member.
He smirked. "I'm sure you could check with the hospital but of all the lawsuits filed against me, there's rarely been a case, if at all, where a patient has sued me for entering their home illegally. I guess that's because they're so happy to be alive, it sort of slipped their mind."
There were a few chuckles from his audience.
"I don't break rules for the hell of it. Ninety-nine percent of doctors follow the rules and that's great. Call me a member of the one-percent, I guess. I don't understand the point of rules if they prohibit us from doing our jobs. It's not my intention to engage in unethical behavior but I weigh the consequences of doing something versus doing nothing. I have a hard time letting a patient die because of bureaucracy. I know it goes against the grain. I know I put my old boss through hell, but she understood and she supported me when she thought I was right. My primary commitment is always to the patient first. I know that bothers the lawyers but it's how I work."
"To be clear," Chairman Powers said looking around the room which had gotten very quiet as they held on to House's every word. "We don't have a problem with lawsuits if we can defend the actions of our doctors. That's why we have such great lawyers on the payroll. We are not adverse to risk, we understand the need for it, but we ask our doctors to also remember protocols are in place for a reason and we have to protect that."
"I understand that. But sometimes protocol gets in the way of saving a life. Then what?" House countered.
"We understand why you're doing it Dr. House, I don't think there's a person here who wouldn't want to do everything in their power to save a patient," said another Board member, Shirley Harris. "I don't have problems with exceptions so long as they are exceptions and don't become the norm. Bad decisions can put a hospital at risk. Lawsuits and bad press can result in loss of funding, reputation and accreditation and could hurt many areas of this institution. Do I think that will happen at MGH? With our reputation and stellar staff, no, I don't but we should still remain vigilant. In my opinion, so long as MGH can justify its actions, I think we're okay, that goes for all of our doctors in every case. We have always stood behind our staff when we believed that their intentions were good and just. This isn't just about money...this is about preserving the entire institution so everyone can benefit."
House pondered her words. He couldn't disagree. It didn't sound to him like they were arguing against him, they were just being cautious. He thought about how their mindset was not entirely different from Cuddy's in her former position.
Baker spoke up. "As Chief of Medicine, it's my job to know everything that goes on around here. It's especially important to be kept aware so I can do damage control if necessary. I may not agree or be amenable to every request, but I assure you that if you present a valid, logical argument, as I know from Dr. Cuddy that you do quite well, you will, in most cases, have my support. I want to protect you, the hospital, and the patients. It means I need you to trust me."
He responded. "Look, I know you're worried I'm a liability. In the past I've been known to do some reckless things in the name of saving my patient. I can't promise I won't get you sued on occasion but I can promise that I'll meet you halfway."
Baker nodded in agreement and smiled. "Okay then, I think that's a good start." She looked down at a notepad in front of her. "Now, moving on, as you know, we intend to include a teaching component, albeit a small one, to your position. There's the diagnostics lectures throughout the year and we've had a request for you to teach an additional course." Looking at the man sitting directly across from her, she said, "Dr. Greer..."
"Thanks Nancy," said Dr. Jack Greer, head of the Infectious Disease program. House recalled meeting the man briefly before the meeting. The man had a slight limp and House wondered about it.
"We lost an esteemed colleague a few months back," Greer said. "Noel Bernstein taught in the Infectious Disease program for twenty-five years, in fact he helped set up the program. ID offers two continuing medical education post-graduate courses under the sponsorship of Harvard Med, one in the fall which is focused on HIV/AIDS and the other which is focused on infectious disease is in spring. We'd like you to teach the spring course."
House didn't mind lecturing; he just didn't like the paperwork that went with it, the grading and such. He was willing to make a concession if they would.
"How many times over the course of the semester?"
"Dr. Bernstein normally did one two to three-hour lecture each day over a long weekend…usually Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning, allowing people to return home in time to get back to work on Monday. Should you accept, you would be free to revise the course if necessary and you will be compensated for these lectures separate from your regular salary."
He thought about it. Every spring, one three-day weekend, wasn't really a big deal-unless he had a case, but he'd have Chase to run things for him so he it would work. The additional pay he'd receive for it would be great.
"Okay, I'm in."
"Good. We can discuss the specifics later and you're free to adjust the content to whatever you feel is relevant. If you have any questions, I'm happy to help."
Baker resumed the conversation. "Speaking of lectures, we've been discussing the diagnostics lecture series and we've narrowed it down to a minimum of once per month, one semester per year, you choose the semester. Is that still agreeable to you Dr. House?"
"Yes.'
"Okay then," she tapped her pen on the table. "One of the last things on this particular agenda is the matter of publishing. We're hoping you will pull from your most difficult or unique cases, write a journal article and present your findings to our faculty and student body as well as presenting at the occasional conference."
House groaned and Baker laughed. Cuddy had already told her how much he hated writing and presenting at conferences.
She said, "I know how much you hate publishing and conferences but it's important to share what we've learned. Your work would bring a great deal of positive press as well as grants." She hoped that would perk him up.
House's interest was picqued. At Princeton-Plainsboro his work had earned significant occasional grants and it funded a lot beyond the budget allotted to him by Cuddy and the Board. They were a lot more lenient with him when he brought in the dollars to fund his own department.
"I can do that," he said. It was then that he realized that so far things had gone smooth. There had been no major issues or disagreements. He wondered when the other shoe would drop. He didn't have long to wait.
"Now that we have that covered," Powers said, taking over the meeting. "There's the matter of an unpleasant nature, that we must deal with. We do not make a habit of intruding upon the personal lives of our doctors so long as they do not interfere with the business of the hospital, however as Dr. Baker said earlier, if we are to make a good start of this, we have to have this conversation. All of us in this room are aware that you served ten months in a state correctional facility for committing an act of criminal mischief with diminished mental capacity against Dr. Lisa Cuddy, who is now a member of our staff."
House looked around the table at his peers, waiting for the worst.
"We would like to offer you the opportunity to tell us your story, in your words."
House peered at them suspiciously. If they knew already, why did they want him to tell them? He knew though, if he wanted this job, he had to be honest and open with them about it. They were giving him a chance and as much as he hated talking about what happened, he knew he had to do it. He took a deep breath, once again wishing Cuddy were there.
"I don't know how much you know but I once had a problem with Vicodin. I took it for years after my infarction to help with the pain in my leg. The Vicodin numbed the pain on most days but sometimes it got so bad… I had to resort to morphine."
He looked around the table, all eyes were on him. It's now or never, he thought.
"If you ask most of the people I've ever worked with they'll tell you I was an SOB from the start. I've never been sunshine and puppies but...after the infarction, I was worse. I guess I didn't see it but everyone else did. The pain and the Vicodin changed me and made me a...harsher person. The pain and anger over losing the function in my leg caused me to lash out at people for no reason. I defended taking the Vicodin, claiming that it helped me do my job, at least I thought it did. I thought I couldn't survive without it and for that, it got me into a lot of trouble over the years. As time went on, my body built up a tolerance and I never realized it until it was almost too late." He paused to drink from his bottled water.
"In a short period of time, I suffered a few traumatic brain injuries and on top of that my father died and one of my fellows committed suicide. I suffered from insomnia and began hallucinating because I was taking too much Vicodin. I finally checked into a psychiatric facility in Philadelphia and spent two months detoxing and seeing a therapist which continued after I was released. Eventually, I went back to practicing medicine and was clean almost two years. It wasn't easy but I tried to keep occupied. I spent a lot of time at work and doing whatever I could to keep my mind off the pain and off the druga. Eventually, Dr. Cuddy and I embarked upon a relationship. I don't know how much you know but we've known each other since college."
He looked around the room. Nobody said a word or moved and so he continued.
"Dr. Cuddy became ill and it was a stressful time for us. One night, I relapsed. As some of you may know, Dr. Cuddy has a young daughter and at the time she did what she thought was best by ending our relationship. She knew what the Vicodin had done to me in the past and she was protecting herself and her daughter though I was too hurt to see that at the time. After the breakup I went into self-destruct mode and did some pretty horrible things I wish I hadn't done. One day, I just lost it. I went to her house for something simple, just…to return a hairbrush but...I saw something...completely innocent...that sent me over the edge and...I drove my car into her house." He took a deep breath and told himself to keep going.
"It wasn't planned, it wasn't intentional. I just..." He paused and let out a deep breath. "I never wanted to hurt anyone. If anything I wanted to hurt myself. Anyway, after...the incident, I left town but returned shortly after and accepted the sentence handed to me. During the time in prison, I did a lot of thinking because...well…that's all you can do while you're in there...is think about what you've done. I decided I didn't want to be miserable anymore. I knew if I didn't change I was going to die alone. I didn't want that. The rest is history."
There was some movement, shuffling of papers and sighs. He could feel he was getting to them.
"In regards to your current relationship with Dr. Cuddy..." One Board member began.
House cut him off. "Is that a factor here?" He didn't want Cuddy judged for anything he had done.
"Relax Dr. House," said Associate Chair Peter Bowen. "We knew long before we made this offer that Dr. Cuddy was in a relationship with you again. When we discussed the idea of your hire with her a few days ago we asked her for her input...whatever she was comfortable with sharing. She is an esteemed member of the medical community and well-known and widely respected both personally and professionally and we value her a great deal. Not only has she talked in the highest regard for your abilities as a diagnostician but she has given her highest recommendation for you in this position. She told us that there is no one better qualified than you to start and run this new department."
House breathed a sigh of relief.
"I'll admit, many of us had reservations about hiring you based on what we had heard about your attitude and authority issues at Princeton-Plainsboro not to mention the actions for which you were sent to prison. I hope you understand that we are very protective of our reputation and what we have built here and we wanted to be absolutely sure that this would be a mutually beneficial working relationship. Dr. Cuddy was very candid with us. She was adamant that you driving your car into her home and the events that preceded it were completely out of character for you. She stressed that your pain had a tendency to cause you to lash out at times but never violently or in any physical manner toward others. She gave us pretty much the same recall of events that you did and told us she believes without a doubt that the stress, the physical and emotional pain and the Vicodin pushed you over the edge; that you would not have committed those acts otherwise. She told me and I quote, "House is an amazing man. I love him and am so proud of how far he's come."
House sat there, stunned. He knew how Cuddy felt but he was not prepared to hear the Board relay what she had told them. Cuddy's words made him feel proud and humbled. She may not have been physically present for the meeting but she had been there, not defending him but standing up next to him and showing openly to everyone her love for him. It made him feel extremely proud at that moment.
Dr. Baker saw House's reaction and smiled to herself. She and Cuddy had talked about the incident in great detail just two days earlier. Cuddy had been apprehensive initially but Dr. Baker assured her there was no reason to be hesitant to talk to the Board, that they greatly respected her and just wanted to hear the story in her words. They needed to know from her exactly how much he'd changed before they could take that next step. Once Cuddy realized their intentions, she was very forthcoming.
"Last week," Baker said. "Dr. House authorized me to contact his psychiatrist, Dr. Darryl Nolan for information on his illness and treatment for the purposes of relaying it here to you today. May I remind you what we discuss here must be kept confidential. Dr. House was kind enough to allow us some insight into his therapy and I think we owe him that courtesy." Her eyes roamed over every one of her colleagues, who all nodded in agreement.
"Dr. Nolan has an established private practice in Philadelphia, is the former associate director at the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital and an Eminent Scholar in the Department of Psychiatry at the Perelman School of Medicine at UPenn. Their department, by the way, is a leader in research and teaching in the area of psychiatry, currently number four in the country. I tell you this because Dr. Nolan's reputation and credentials are impeccable and his statement regarding Dr. House's road to recovery is important as well as impressive."
She looked over at House and she watched him breathe deeply knowing how difficult this was for him.
"Dr. Nolan verified that Dr. House voluntarily surrendered his medical license and sought treatment at Mayfield for a period of two months back in 2009 and that he had successfully detoxed from Vicodin, which he had been using for a period of about ten years for severe chronic pain, until his body became immune to it and he began taking more, resulting in physical and mental exhaustion, insomnia and hallucinations. As a condition of his return to practice at Princeton Plainsboro, he underwent weekly drug tests which he passed, and engaged in weekly outpatient therapy. Dr. House continued attending for a period of a year when he began going through a rough time. He wasn't back on drugs but there were personal issues he was dealing with that made him question the validity of his therapy. He and Dr. House only saw each other a few times during Dr. House's relationship with Dr. Cuddy so he had no knowledge what had happened until Dr. House left prison and began seeing him again."
"Dr. Nolan's report of Dr. House's progress is astounding. He says Dr. House has been consistent in his visits as well as his physical therapy sessions. He has also made significant progress making amends with the individuals he hurt in the past. His evaluation concludes that Dr. House has made significant progress in his personal and professional relationships and has improved the quality of his life greatly. Dr. Nolan stated that while no addict is ever cured, it is extremely important to have a solid support system, which he has with Dr. Cuddy and his family, friends and colleagues."
House was relieved to hear the statement from Nolan. It was like a burden lifted. He knew he had made progress but sometimes he wondered how much. Nolan's words definitely put him at ease. He knew Nolan would never give such a recommendation if he didn't believe it himself.
Alex Powers sat back in his chair and nodded affirmatively. "Dr. House," he said. "I am very impressed at what we've just heard. You have obviously worked very hard to get your life together. I commend you for that, we all do. Now, do you have any reservations at all…that your past drug abuse won't affect your job here at this hospital?"
House shrugged. "There are times when my leg hurts so bad it feels like someone is stabbing it with a hot poker." He watched as some of the people around the table cringed. "I think about the relief I could get from just one pill but then I weigh the consequences. There's a lot at stake now, a lot more than I ever thought I'd have again and I am not about to screw it up if I can help it. Thanks to my doctors and my therapist, I'm using a number of methods to alleviate the pain including a percutaneous fentanyl patch and limited doses of oxycodone…but that's only in extreme cases and under the supervision of my doctor. I have the pills prescribed in small amounts in the smallest dose possible and when it hurts I talk to someone about it first so they can help me monitor my dosage. Besides that there's strength training, swimming, stretching, hot soaks, and massage which have all become a part of my regular routine. The pain is always going to be there but the worst is occasional and I deal with it the best I can."
The room was silent. One female member of the board wiped a tear from her eye.
"And if you relapse? How will you handle it?" Someone asked.
House knew he couldn't make any promises so he was honest. "I can't sit here and tell you that I won't ever relapse but I can tell you that if I do, I've got measures in place to help me. I won't deal with it alone. I always tried to handle my pain on my own and look where it got me. If it happens, I will rely on the people I care about to help me. I've worked hard to get here and I've overcome obstacles and challenge beliefs I've had all my life in order to get here. I'm in a really great place right now and anyone who knows me knows that I don't take that lightly because I've always been one to sit back waiting for the worst. I generally don't do well outside my comfort zone but the fact that I'm leaving a longtime position at Princeton-Plainsboro, leaving my best friend and my team behind, moving in with my girlfriend and her daughter and accepting a job here should be a testament to how far I've come. If you still don't believe me then there's nothing I can do. I'm better off leaving and you can bring someone else in to do this job."
There were nodding heads around the room. House noted Dr. Greer who had paid particular attention to him the entire time, often nodding in affirmation as if he understood more than the rest. He made a mental note of that.
"I want to thank you for your candor," Powers replied. "This was obviously very difficult for you. While it may have seemed intrusive, I feel, as I am sure my colleagues do, that it was an important discussion for us to have so that we put the matter to rest and move on."
"I agree." House said, feeling a wave of relief pass over him.
"Now," Powers said, as everyone seemed to shift into a more comfortable stance, since the hardest part of the meeting had concluded. "I believe that we've asked you enough questions. Now it's your turn. Do you have you any questions for us?"
"Actually," he said, with an air of confidence. "I do."
It was around eleven-thirty when the meeting adjourned and people milled around chatting and catching up. The mood had lifted significantly and ended on a very positive note. House felt like he had done well. At least he had done his best and that's all he could do. After shaking hands with several Board members and his fellow physicians, he headed for the door, anxious to find Cuddy and tell her everything that had transpired. Before he made it to the door, he heard someone call his name.
"Dr. House!" House turned around and found the jovial Chairman of the Board approaching him.
"When Dr. Baker gave us this proposal to hire you," Powers said. "I was initially skeptical because I'd heard stories about you but it was so apparent in talking to Dr. Cuddy that she saw something in you and thought you deserved a chance. I'll admit, it's not easy to sway me but I am swayed but I am. Believe it or not, even though I'm in this position, there are times I loathe bureaucracy, but I also see a need for it. I do like your no-holds-barred approach, your dedication to your patients and your willingness to stand up for what you believe in. I also understand human frailty and weakness; we've all got things we wish we could change in our past but...we can't change the past now can we? All we can do is move on. You did that against some serious odds and you should be proud. It's going to be a real honor having you a part of this hospital. Just don't get us sued too often okay?"
House smirked. "I can't promise, but I'll try."
"Good enough for me," the jovial man said, offering his hand to House. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to catch up with a few folks." He turned and walked back towards his fellow board members.
As House watched the older man walk away, out of the corner of his eye, he saw another-Dr. Greer approach him. House tilted his head just a bit and eyed the man's gait, again noting the slight limp. When Dr. Greer approached, he held out his hand and smiled. House accepted it.
"Congratulations. That was some tough grilling in there."
"Not too bad," he mused. Realizing Greer could see right through him he said, "Okay yeah it was."
Greer grinned. "You held your own and that's important. They had to ask the hard questions. We're really looking forward to having you joining us. It's a great place to work and while we do have our share of assholes, we get along for the most part. I think you'll like it here."
House smirked. He liked Greer already.
"I heard your lecture last time you were here. I was really impressed."
"Thanks. I'm still a little rusty on the lecture circuit."
Greer laughed. "We all are." He lowered his voice. "Listen, I wanted to talk to you about what you said in there...about pain. As doctors we should know all too well the struggles faced by people addicted to painkillers. It's a damn shame there's a stigma out there which prevents people from seeking help. It would be easy to sit back and judge you and say that you should've been tougher and asked for help or you should've made better choices but the truth is that it's just too hard. Pain sucks and it can make us do things we wouldn't do under normal circumstances. It can literally take over every aspect of your life and unless someone is in your shoes and has experienced it firsthand, they can never understand."
House tilted his head in curiosity wondering Greer's point.
"What I want you to know is that I do understand."
House raised an eyebrow and then it hit him. Dr. Greer had a slight limp in his step. Greer noticed House's expression and so he smiled and lifted the hem of his left pants leg to show what House had just figured out-that Greer had an artificial leg.
"I lost it in an accident eleven years ago. I was thirty-nine years old. They amputated from the lower-thigh down. I experienced such intense pain I wanted to kill myself. I was so depressed. I was on painkillers, I was moody, I stopped seeing patients, and I spent months hiding away from everyone wishing I were dead. Not only could I not handle the pain but I thought I could never be real man again without my leg. I had a wife and two kids who tried their best to let me know they didn't see me any differently but it didn't work. One day, I went to the bathroom at home and I passed my son's bedroom and heard him crying. My fourteen-year old son was crying, I'd never seen or heard him do that. That's when I realized that my kids needed their dad and my wife needed her husband. I wasn't the only one hurt by that accident, it affected them too. I'd been so immersed in my own pain I didn't even bother to see theirs. So…I decided I had to quit feeling sorry for myself. It wasn't easy but I started small. I got help. I saw a psychologist, started physical therapy and my family helped me pick out the prosthetics that would work best for me. Now…I can play tennis with my kids." He shook his head in disbelief. "And to think that before I just wanted to die."
House swallowed hard. How well he understood."I didn't let them amputate."
"What did they do?"
"Removed the clot and the dead muscle." Greer shook his head in complete understanding. House asked, "How bad is your pain?"
Greer shrugged. "Manageable. Not at all like it once was. When the muscles were atrophying it was pretty bad but once I got into therapy and started working it, it got better."
"That's good," House said sincerely
"It is," Greer replied. "Your story hit me hard. I felt it was important to tell you that you're not alone. I'm sure you know that but sometimes it's nice to hear it. "
"Yeah," House replied. "It is."
Just then Greer's pager went off. He looked down and smiled. "Damn, I'm late," he said. "It's my wife, Michelle. She teaches at-risk kids over at University High. They get out early on Fridays so we like to do lunch together." He put his hand out to House again, who once again accepted it.
"We'll talk soon. If you need anything, just let me know."
"Thanks," he said as Greer turned and walked away. House was approached by a few more people before he was finally able to make it out of the conference room. When he did, he found Cuddy standing in the hallway waiting for him, a nervous look on her face.
"So how did it go?" She asked, tentatively.
"I think it went okay." He said, somberly.
"Oh," she said. "I'm sorry."
Suddenly Dr. Baker came up behind him and patted him on the back. "House, you did great!" She said. Cuddy just looked at him confused.
"I was kidding," he said, nudging her. "I did pretty good."
"I'd say you did better than that." Baker mused. "I know your reputation for being an ass but you held your own and hooked every one of them and I'm impressed. I think this is going to be the start of a great working relationship." She looked over at Cuddy who was positively beaming. "Lisa, you would've been proud of him. Now why don't you two grab some lunch and relax before House's lecture. Celebrate the victory!" She winked and left them alone in the hallway. .
When they were alone, Cuddy pulled him over to the alcove down from the conference room. It was secluded at the end of a long hallway so they were not likely to be seen.
"Hey! People might see." House joked.
"Don't care, need you." She mumbled against his lips as she pulled him over to the alcove. Their kiss was needy and breathless, full of longing and desire and so perfectly them..
"I can't believe I made it through that," he said as they pulled apart.
"I can. You can be quite convincing and charming when you want to be."
"Why didn't you tell me you talked to them?"
"Honestly, it just happened the other day and I was so busy at work and then you got here, I hadn't even thought about it."
He pulled her close and whispered in her hair. "It was so hard talking about it, telling them what I did. It's so humiliating and it will always hurts to think about how much I hurt you."
She pulled away gently and held his face in her hands. "I know but it's okay now. You don't have to feel humiliated or ashamed. We forgave one another and moved on and we both know why they had to bring it up, why they had to know. It's done and we are still okay," she said, smiling at him.
Thanks for doing it," he said, sincerely.
"You're welcome. You should thank Nolan too. Nancy said you'd given her permission to talk to him."
"Yeah, he really came through for me."
She planted a light kiss on his lips. "It's true you know. "
"What?"
She caressed his scruff. "You are an amazing man and I am so damn proud of you." She kissed him again, this time they didn't let go immediately. This time is was slow and deliberate and sweet. They hid in the alcove and kissed as they mumbled sweet nothings to one another until they were out of breath and forced to part for air again.
When they broke apart, Cuddy attempted to straighten her clothes, then she ran her fingers through her mussed hair. House leaned against the wall watching her, an amused expression on his face. She looked up and caught him grinning a her like a Cheshire cat. She rolled her eyes and smacked him lightly on the chest.
"Oh shut up and take me to lunch."