Author's note
I've had to correct this chapter significantly, for some reason when I cut and paste a new story/chapter large chunks have started to be left out, and weird spacing is happening between paragraphs. So really sorry if something seems jarring with this. To be honest I'd recommend you read it on AO3 (Babel_Fish, same story title) where this sort of thing never seems to happen. Touch wood.
Phil stared at the pages clutched in his hands. He'd read them twice now. He closed his eyes trying to un-jumble the random phrases that danced before them. Dan should have trusted him, how could he think like that, he would never try and railroad him into fatherhood. He wanted more than anything to tell Dan it was ok, that he understood and that they could try again. He was confused beyond what he could handle and he shut down. When his phone bleeped he was cold and stiff, and wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting on the bed in the dark. The letter still clutched in one hand.
Phil didn't recognise the number and considered not opening it, but he caught the name as the text scrolled along the top of his phone. What the hell did she want, he hadn't spoken to her since she'd come into the studio with one of the live lounge artists where she met Dan.
He couldn't handle this now, why were they doing this to him, hadn't the betrayal been enough. He'd left the flat to get away from all this, to have time to think but it wasn't working out as he'd hoped, and how did she get his bloody number!
Eventually Phil couldn't stand the not knowing and opened the text. All it said was:
"Sorry to intrude, I can't be a person you want to hear from right now. I've got some info that you might be interested in, you might not care but I think you will. Do you want me to just text it to you, email, or do you want to meet in person. I understand if it's none of the above and you just want me to fuck off". Jen.
Phil looked around the overly tidy room. Light filtering through the cheap curtains from the lights outside gave the room a uniform gloomy orange glow. Phil stated out loud, thinking a little more clearly since the day Dan mentioned the word girlfriend in his presence as if it was something that didn't even affect him. .
He started packing in the same way as he had to come here in the first place, throwing things hurriedly into the case, not even bothering to pack any of the toiletries this time, except his razor. Just sweeping them into the small bin.
He gave the room a quick once over to make sure he hadn't left anything behind before leaving for the foyer to check out and call a taxi.
As the taxi drew up outside their flat Phil took a deep breath, had he made the right decision. He still felt butterflies in his stomach as he looked at their home, and even now tears threatened. He had to be strong though, he was tired, he'd seen Dan today so he was bound to feel emotional. The memories and the people weren't going to leave him alone wherever he ran. He might as well be in the comfort of his own home, after all he was still paying the rent. So was Dan he reminded himself, that wasn't his problem right now. He wasn't the one that had thrown everything away.
As he let himself in the flat was cold and dark and quiet. He took the stairs two at a time and threw the holdall into his room. Shutting the door before heading to the kitchen to make a cup of hot chocolate, popping on the heating on his way.
In the kitchen was a vase of fresh flowers, all of Phil's favourites everything chosen with care so the colours flowed into one another, a tell tale sign of Dan's hand. They were also mainly perfumed blooms, Dan knew how much he loved scent. The individual flowers blended into a fresh subtle perfume that delicately hung in the air like an olfactory rainbow.
He felt so torn, his first instinct was to smile, it was a beautiful small gesture, and the flowers really were stunning. He moved automatically to smell the display and take them in more closely. He stopped in his track, his stomach dropping he felt as if he'd been gut punched the association with Dan was just too overpowering.
He noticed an A4 sheet of paper tucked under the large glass vase. It was typed so he couldn't tell who it was from by the writing. He approached it like a mouse nervously checking out the cheese in a trap. Finally edging close enough to notice the signature. Peej?.
Forgetting for the moment about hot chocolate he drew the paper to him and headed to the lounge to sit down and read it.
"The flowers are from Dan so feel free to throw them in the bin if you have to, and the letter is from me Captain Peej.. so umm. Please don't throw it... not yet. I know you must still be angry after reading Dan's letter, but he really does mean every word.
You know I love you right? I love you both and I know you both probably better than most. So please take this as it's meant from a friend that wants only the best for you... Maybe you should consider what he said, try not to have a visceral reaction and push him away just because you think he deserves it? Sorry for interfering and obviously you aren't going to do anything you don't want to, but I think it might encourage him to tell you something that maybe you're not aware of. I'll shut up now.
Hugs Peej
PS if you're not too pissed off at me for interfering text/ring me?"
Phil half growled half grunted as he screwed the letter up and threw it across the room. He went to the kitchen and threw the vase, water, flowers and all into the bin with a satisfying splash and cracking sound. He banged his bedroom door open rather too hard before throwing himself face down onto his bed and screaming into his pillow. He was angry and he was shattered after the emotional strain of the show, and now this avalanche of unwelcome contact assaulting his frayed nerves, Peej too! Why didn't they all just leave him alone.
He drifted into an uneasy exhausted sleep within minutes of hitting the bed. He woke at one p.m. with a crick in his neck after sleeping for nearly eleven solid hours.
X
"Do you think he's back at the flat Peej"?
"Dunno Dan, he said he was going in his text when he got there, but I haven't heard from him since. He's probably pissed at me too now".
"Chris piped up from the kitchen "Well I did warn you! I'd be pissed at you too, Dan was a prick... no offence Dan... and you've asked him to play nice with him"...
"None taken Chris" Dan raised an eyebrow and rolled his eyes at PJ at Chris's bluntness.
"Phil's not going to roll over like a puppy and let himself be kicked again".
"Yeah, I know your right" Dan sighed and shuffled out to the kitchen, it was a surprisingly traditional and homely space. He watched Chris clank about putting sugar into cups and setting a tray up with cookies. "So mum", "careful Howell, don't think I won't put you across my knee, you're not too big you know!". Dan chuckled for the first time in a while. Chris let you know when he was pissed at you, but he always knew the right thing to say.
"Seriously though Chris, do you think I'm just being stupid and pursuing Phil now is just harassment. It looks like I've done too much damage to repair". His sentence finished on a whispered breath, his head lowered and his bottom lip sucked in receiving a hearty chewing.
"Follow me young padawan" Dan obediently followed Chris, tray clanking adorned with threes steaming mugs of coffee and huge cookies into the lounge, where he placed it down carefully on the coffee table. PJ and Dan reached for their hot drinks and Chris produced a cold can of diet coke from his pocket. "Chris!?". "Oh this?" Chris pointed towards his now open can holding it up with a questioning look on his face. "Pfft, you know I don't like coffee" as if that explained everything.
Dan shook his head, deciding to give up on taking this further for now. "Well Daniel, we all know you've made one almighty balls up of the most perfect relationship mankind has ever seen".
Dan groaned, "Chris, please can we be serious for a moment".
"I was being serious... anyway. You've fucked up Dan, Phil has no obligation whatsoever to listen to you or take you back, correct?".
"Correct" dan agreed sadly.
"What we do know is that he loves you. If he didn't love you he wouldn't be so furious at you. Give him a few more days without pestering him. You've laid some cards on the table, now give the poor man some time to think, then test the water again without being too pushy and be prepared for it not to work Dan. He might not be able to trust you again and you may have to try and live with that".
Fuck that hurt, but Chris had a point, if Phil showed no signs of even considering trying again he might have to try and move on. That thought killed him more than he could possibly articulate, he wasn't even sure if he could handle that outcome. The worst thing was that it was all his own doing.
"Um, I'm feeling a bit tired guys... do you mind if I go to the bedroom for an hour".
Dan had been sleeping on the sofa, he could hardly throw them out of their own living room to have a small mental breakdown. Being cheeky and stealing their room for an hour was the best he could manage for now.
As he laid on the bed like a starfish staring up at the ceiling his head swam, Chris was probably right, he had no claim on Phil, he'd destroyed that himself. He'd probably never even get to make a grand gesture as Peej had suggested. Phil would shoot him down long before that became appropriate. Tears streamed down his cheeks creating a silvery flow down to his ears and behind, soaking the back of his neck and hair, making a little fringe of curls licking at the nape of his neck. They wouldn't stop and he didn't have the energy or desire to wipe them away.
X
Phil sat on the edge of the bed and stretched sending shivers all over his body, and headed for the shower on auto pilot still somehow sleepy despite his uber sleep. The hot water and steam helped to wake him up and he felt a little lighter leaving the shower. He dressed straight away, hunger had suddenly crept up on him and now his stomach was trying to devour itself. Standing in front of the open fridge contemplating it's contents he wanted all the food, as a change from his usual cereal he decided on a big plate of bacon, scrambled eggs and toast with a large mug of coffee. Soon he was sat at the table to eat.
He hadn't intended not to text Peej back last night, he just got so frustrated, angry and tired that he couldn't face communicating with anyone. Fork in one hand he picked up his phone, as he brushed his thumb across the screen ready to text he saw another text from that woman. .
Phil carefully placed the phone face down in the middle of the table as he started to eat his breakfast. He didn't want anything getting between him and his plate at the moment, he'd missed too many meals. Even though he was still in turmoil he wolfed down the warm food and enjoyed every morsel.
Sitting back in the chair his eyes caught the white crumpled piece of paper almost highlighted by the rays of feeble British spring sun. He scooped it off the floor where it had landed last night and carefully laid it out on the table, flattening it out as best he could. He took Dan's letter from the pocket of his jeans where he'd left it last night and spread that out next to it, re-reading it as he did so. he muttered under his breath as he neatened the row of papers
His face blank he picked his phone up. Text was going to be too cumbersome, email too slow. He chose call, pressed the button and sat back in the dining chair as the phone rang.
"Hi, It's Phil... yes... OK, well what is this startling news that could be of so much interest to me?... Yes... I remember...mm... really?... Why should I believe that?...Why would he do that... honestly?... OK then, but why are you bothering to tell me?... I didn't think you were the sort of person to feel bad about something after it had already happened..." There was a long pause as Jen told Phil off for talking to her like that when admittedly belatedly she was only trying to help.
Without saying goodbye he hung up and before putting his phone down blocked the number, just in case. He didn't want to hear that woman's voice ever again.
He went to his bedroom got out a notebook and pen and made some notes of what she'd just said, not that he'd ever forget any of it but he wanted everything where he could see it for the moment. He ripped the page out and laid it on the table next to the other evidence of his tattered relationship. Or 'reasons' as he'd labelled the scraps of paper in his head.
Phil changed his mind about texting PJ, leaving his plates, cup and paper trail where they were he headed for the door, grabbing his warm coat on the way. Despite the weak sunshine he was feeling cold all the time lately and his galaxy coat wasn't going to keep him warm enough, or be able to cheer him up in the circumstances.
X
Dan could hear Chris and PJ talking heatedly in the other room, he knew it was about him, it always was lately. They'd been much kinder to him than he deserved and perhaps he should start looking for somewhere to rent while he and Phil tried to either sort their relationship out. Or the worst thought in the world while they split their household up. Maybe stay in a hotel for a little while like Phil was. His head was swimming with these thoughts as he started to drift off to sleep.
"Don't be daft Peej, of course I don't want to throw him out, it's just we're not getting much privacy at the moment... you know", Chris rolled his eyes and tilted his head hands on hips and let his eyes scan up and down PJ's body in an exaggerated lusty manner. "Jesus Christ Chris, can you not think with your knob just this once", but PJ was smiling as he leant in to wrap his arms around Chris and pull him in for a hug and quick peck on the lips. "Promise me you'll never do a Dan, if you're worried about anything just talk to me, ok?". Chris grinned at his boyfriend and whispered "I promise" against his neck as he kissed it.
They were interrupted by a loud series of raps on their door, and sprang apart like school kids caught up to no good. The expression of shock on each others faces made them laugh. As PJ opened the door his laughter turned to an exclamation of surprise.
"Hi guys, sorry to land on you like this but I need to see Dan is he here?"
"Um, Hi Phil!" PJ stood to the side to allow him in, as they walked towards the lounge they passed the bedroom. Phil noticed for himself a familiar gangly figure spread eagled on Chris's bed... "Do you mind if I go in?". All Peej could manage was a shake of his head to indicate he didn't mind. His throat had suddenly gone very dry.
Phil stepped into the room and felt his heart flip in his chest, Dan obviously had slipped into sleep, he looked so peaceful. He was pale and he'd lost weight. His dark eyelashes brushing against the smooth curve of his cheeks. His lips looked so red and plump against his unusually pale skin, and the urge to kiss them was still there, was stronger than ever in fact. He knew every curve every dip, every angle of the frame his eyes kept travelling back and forth over. He wanted nothing more than to crawl up the bed pressing his body against Dan and whisper into his ear between kisses. He'd been so sure of himself on the journey here, now he wasn't sure at all. This was a hundred times harder than he'd expected. He wasn't sure what to do, start talking, call Dan, touch him or just go and sit with Peej and Chris until he woke.
While he was a confused mess of indecision Dan started to stir. In his dreamless sleep he sensed a change. A familiar scent seemed to be present. The air in the room felt different somehow and he woke with a start to see the person he most wanted to see in the world stood just inside the bedroom door.