Let me see beneath
On that balcony just above the beautiful garden of Asgard's palace he asked permition to court me. It was the most any woman had ever made him say. I still remember how I shivered, watching him lean on the railing, looking up to look me in the eyes. I stood not leaning my eyes wide, back as straight as I could. My mind raced, my hands clasped together. There was a slimmer of fear he was lying. Nevertheless, I gathered my wits and asked,
" Are you sure, my prince?" my voice shaking" This isn't one of your tricks?" he was my friend for long and for long I wanted to tell him how I loved him. But I was afraid of rejection, that he laughed at me. It happenned after a banquet celebrating who knows what. I don't remember now. I doesn't matter anyway.
His eyes bore into mine own those shimmering green eyes that I loved. A knowing smile came to his lips.
" you think me so cruel as to fool you so?" Not a word came from my lips. He always teased." I truly meant what I said." He paused as to gauge how nervous I was. I just couldn't believe what was happenening. My wish was coming true. Eventually he stood straight his height towering me, gently taking my hands in his larger one, tiping my chin making our gazes lock.
"Lady Alfdis would you give this damned man the otherwordly joy of courting you?" a devilish smile formed in his lips.
Yes, he meant it. I knew that behind that gaze was thruth, he cared for me. Maybe even ... loved ... me. Now I'm not sure.
" Yes, my prince, for a thousand years, yes." My heart soared as a smile turned my lips. He leaned in, holding me firmly against him, possessive as he came to be, but never hurting me, and claimed my lips. A kiss showing how he felt but gentle. I remember vividly our first kiss, his soft lips dancing against mine promising so much. I was in Valhalla. I've never been so happy. We broke apart for air.
" You needn't be so dramatic, my prince" I teased with a small smirk.
" I needn't but it worked perfectly" He teased back never realasing me from his arms.
" I would never reject you, my prince.I was just...just " Words evaded me "making sure" I ended lamely.
He smirked " You know me too well" He ended before a passionate kiss." My prince" I sighed.
" Loki, just Loki" He whispered in my ear.
And it was from that moment on. I was elated. He finnally saw me as a woman.
Until it all fell apart.
Now the man I love... loved was locked away for life in the dungeons.
I cared not that he was Frost Giant. I cared not he wouldn't be king. I cared not he wasn't a warrior like Thor. Instead I loved his magic, his knowledge,his intelligence and wit, his way with words... I cared only he was Loki, my prince.
How much time has gone by. I think a year. I haven't had the courage to see him. I was so angry and hurt that he let go of Odin's staff, leaving me alone to think he was dead. Then when I found he was alive he became... I don't even know what. Did he really think no one cared for him? Not even me?
I sighed as I sat on a bench in the gardens twirling the ring he had given me woven gold with interlaced emeralds it was now a necklace for years had it been in my finger.I like to think of it as my first step to let him go. What could I do to help him? I had no weight with the Allfather's decisions.
" Alfdis, dear. How do you fare?" Queen Frigga said a motherly tone as always.
" Fine Queen Frigga" I answered " And you my Queen?"
" As well as I can be." I smiled but, perhaps, it didn't come to my eyes. " Don't try to fool me. What's in your mind, dear?" She Knew what was in my mind or, more, precisely who it was. I hung my head.
" Perhaps it is a who. " Queen Frigga said seating besides me "Have you visited him?" I nodded.
" I don't have the courage to." tears welled in my eyes. " But even if I went I doubt he would listen." He's as stubborn as you can be. " As he hasn't heed any of your words."
" I understand. However, do you still feel for my son?" He was still her son.
" I'm sorry Queen Frigga but I do not."I sadly said tightly grasping my ring while a tear escaped my leaded eyes.
" Is that so?" There was no fooling Queen , I just wanted so much to let him go. He hurt me so much. I just wanted some solace. " Yes, Loki has hurt me far to much."
" Loki was just trying to push you away. He thinks himself a monster." When I said not a word she continued. " Nevertheless, I believe my son to still be there somewhere and you're the only one he let in so deep."
" I thought so too." I started "But I'm afraid I'm not so sure anymore" I know nothing anymore.
" Try Alfdis, speak to him" The Allmother asked. She still loved her son. "If nothing more just to attain some closure." My eyes focused on Queen Frigga. She always was a safe port.
" He did let you see beneath his façade. More, than, perhaps, you may think."
"I'll try my Queen. I'll try" It was all I could say.
I gathered all my wits and courage, if it was existent. I had already wondered the gardens, paced the halls, and then finnally, headed towards the dungeons.
I came to a stop at the doors which two guards flanked. I shifted before addressing them. They reluctantly let me through closing the doors after me making a shiver come down my spine.
Terribly aware of my heels clicking against the floor I went down the hall. Maybe he heard it too.
Indeed, Loki heard them was almost impossible not to. The silence was overbearing in the dungeons. Even if it wasn't nothing was there to fill his mind. Well,now he wondered who might it be that came to the dungeons. A woman he was sure. Maybe his mother was eventually allowed to visit him.
Who else could it be? Alfdis,perhaps. No... he made it sure. She would hate,despise him. Has the realization hit a pang of hurt stroke his heart. There was no one but his mother ( maybe), he was alone to wither in his cell.
The click-clack of heeled shoes came closer and closer.
I spotted furniture in a cell. That must be it. Surely, it was queen Frigga's doing. Always thinking of her sons. I braced myself as i walked into his sight.
" What have you done,Loki?" I spoke the first thing that come to my mind.
To say he was surprised was an understatement. Alfdis, the woman he... No... as soon as as his feelings for her resurfaced he had to ... he must push them to the pit of his heart as far as he could.
" After all this time, you cared enough to come visit me."he said a smile in his face but his tone was laced with as much venom he could muster towards her. His love. His beloved. He couldn't deny it . He never could. But what could he offer her now? Nothing. Not even a piece of paper to write on.
I ignored his jab. Pausing for a little while my eyes closed. I hadn't realized how I longed to hear his voice, however, the jab, albeit, expected wasn't that welcome.
" Do you truly not regret any of your actions?" He had come as close as he could to me his height above mine, hands clasped behind him, looking straight into my eyes. If he was trying to intimidate me. It wouldn't work that easily I went up the steps in front of his cell. It had been years since we were so close to each other.
" What is there to regret? I did what I had to attain what was mine." He turned his back on her as he spoke. He should've known she wouldn't turn away so easily. She was never easy to trick.
I didn't move from my spot. It clenched my heart seeing him like hurt being so close and not be able to touch him and it hurt even more how damaged he was. Was I that blind? However, I knew he had to be punished. His actions had been terrible... but I knew it wasn't him. Loki would trick,lie and cause mischief. Yes that was true but never this.
" You wrecked the peace between the realms, started a war, killed thousands of people in your wake and for what? What did you get from it? What did you want so much? That It was worth all this grief?" I asked in a flurry filled with angst wanting so much to reach him that I uncousciously touched the shimmering cell bars. I yelped in pain and tears wetted my irises. My skin was burnt. The bars prevented all kinds of trespassing and magic. If I wasn't, in that moment, so preocupied with my hand I could've swear a slimmer of worry went trough his eyes.
"Now you shouldn't have done that" I glared at him working on the burn as the pain subsided. I knew a little magic." You asked what I wanted."I nodded" Isn't that obvious? " he gestured pacing in his cell. " Enlighten me?" I asked. "A throne." he stated facing me. A sad smile adorned my lips. I must've angered him because he turned his back on me again. " A throne " I echoed.
" Yes, if not Asgard's Midgard would do." Why did she even care? For her he must the most despicable man on all the realms. Then why did she seem so distressed to get to him. Even getting hurt. If it was before he would run to her aid but now he wouldn't and he could not, to restrain his urge he sat as far from her as he could. Watching that nasty burn on her smooth skin he realized how he had hurt her again. It was is fault she suffered so and it burnt his soul. Nevertheless, why couln't he just let her go? He knew he had to. " I just sought to rule as it was my right."
Tears continued and continued to gather in my eyes as my jaw clenched. I was trying to prevent them from falling. " And for that you killed whoever crossed your path? For a throne. Something you never trully wanted." I said.
"It is my birthright!" he roared slamming a fist on the table next to him. I jolted and my tears finnally fell. " Even so, you never wanted a throne. You yourself told me so." I knew it wasn't a lie even if he told me now it was. "Do you not see what you've done,Loki?. This is not you. You must know it was wrong,Loki!" I stressed clenning my tears. More and more he was getting away.
"I see." he scoffed getting up again stepping towards me. It stopped my pacing. "Is that what you come for? To achieve my redemption." He scoffed." Do you truly think it possible?" What he really wanted to know was how she felt for him. Why?Why?Why? If she couldn't be his not anymore. Alfdis wouldn't want to be in the arms of a monster.
I thought an answer for such question would be hard to give but it wasn't. It came from my lips easily while my heart raced. Maybe he felt regret, maybe he still felt something for me. Maybe Queen Frigga was right. " Yes." I breathed in. " Yes I think it possible if it is you."I ended
It hurt. Alfdis's soft smile full of faith in could she believe in him? It had never ceased to amaze him how deep she encroached herself without trying. His heart was in tumult. She presented him a double edged sword. Should he cling to her or should he continue to push her away. Loki's answer was the later. The premisse still stood he was a monster, a Frost Giant, a killer, a prisoner, therefore, a man she wouldn't accept. Even though it was blatantly obvious, or so he so ardently wanted to believe, that by standing there she meant the opposite.
Loki chuckled mocking her. He knew it would hurt her and he was right. Her stance slacked a sob almost impercitible to others but not to him, he pushed on even if it felt like knives in his heart "Ah! Dear Alfdis, only you would have such a thought. Have you forgotten what I've done? What I am?" His skin turned blue , his eyes fire red.
I wasn't surprised with his appearance. He had showed me before, I might have been startled the first time and I realize it was a mistake but I wasn't expecting it. I regret it to no ends. I would never be afraid of Loki or disguted by him. Never, it was impossible as hard he tried it was impossible.
I tried to remain composed as I faced him. " I have not. As well as you fail to understand that your blue skin and red eyes do not faze me." I once again went up the last step closing our distance. " And to perceive your own regret." I finished a hand to reach where his cheek would've been.
Loki anger returned as well as his fear that she burnt again, he abruptly backed away from her regnaing his Aesir appearance. " Regret?" He roared " Regret again!"
"Yes! You regret it, Loki" I stressed raising my voice which I seldom did. It surprised even me. " It's not your nature to kill for fun" I ended calmly.
Now he was surprised. It was rare for Alfdis to raise her voice in such manner. However, he quickly recuperated straightening his stance and bringing back his smile. "Let's say you are, indeed, correct, dear Alfdis." As stubborn as you can be indeed. I sighed tired but, perhaps I was getting somewhere. " Why shouldn't I strive for my right?" He pointed again. My hope sank we were going in circles. Did he want to tire me?
"Like I said you never wanted a throne." I stated."Moreover, I fail to see why you wish for something that hurts you to no ends." Loki had wanted to interject but I had cut in.
Alfdis stood on the other side of the bars expecing an answer. On a closer look she lacked her usual brilliance, her ever constant smile, her honey coloured eyes were duller than he remembered and her chocolate brown hair wasn't has silky as before He closed his eyes. He wanted to tire her to make her see he was hell bent on what he did. That he regreted nothing but Alfdis he forgot was the most stubborn woman he ever met. Loki had to realize he was the one tired.
"Fine, Alfdis. I'll concead. Maybe those weren't the best of my plans." She laughed. Alfdis had laughed genuinely. Loki's heart swealled not that he'd show her that.
"You never concead defeat do you, Loki." Alfdis observed
On one hand Loki was contented Alfdis came to see him but on the other hand fear gripped him. What had she come for? Certainly only to say goodbye. There was no other reason now that he was locked for life she must want to move on.
Loki contemplated me for seconds as we stood facing each other.I could see his mind working. I just wished to know what was going through it.
"Still" his voice startled me.I glared meekly as he tried to mock me "I am but a monster in his rightful place." He gestured with his arms showing his cell.
I couldn't describe the pain thatt went through my heart. I shivered trying to contain my tears. "You are not a monster, Loki"
" I beg to differ" he stated avoiding my concerned gaze. I scrambled to get closer trepidation filled my heart. A thin layer of magic protecting me I reached out touching the cell bars. "Loki,Loki please look at me" he listened to my words. Green eyes widening as he did so. "Don't do that! You'll get burned again!" The first true expression of concern. " Did you forget my magic,my prince " I teased solemnly "You are not a monster." I repeated and I'd repeat it as many times necessary.
" You lie, beloved."I sobbed. Tears of happinness and angst rolled down my cheeks . Loki hadn't called me that for so long. When he addressed me as my dear before it was only in derision. Now it was not. I was sure.
" I do not. You better than anyone knows so." I kept my hands as to caress him but the bars made impossible. Perhaps, I could... force through the bars. It was worth the try. As did so pain came to my hands. As Loki realised what I was about to do he pleaded for me to stop, his green eyes focusing on me.I ignored the pleas I needed to reach him, he needed that I succedeed.I could only trespass it with one hand the other stayed gripping the bars on the outside.
Finnally I could touch him. Finnally he could reach me. Loki did so quickly, so fast I was startled when he placed a featherlike kiss on my palm. I gently placed my hand on his cheek smiling fondly as he leaned in my touch. "Loki" I called puzzled when he gently held my hand in his larger one. "You are eluding yourself, beloved" I nodded ferociously. Loki pulled tighter on my hand. Gathering my attention.
" The crimes I commited " He hesitated his eyes regarding me "How can you say that?"
" You are not a monster, Loki" I gave his hand a reassuring squeze " You showed me kindness and love before." Loki seemed unconviced, therefore, I pressed on "Then tell me this. Are monsters capable of regret? Of love?" I waited nervously for an answer.
" No they are not" Loki stated still holding my hand. " Do you regret your crimes?" Loki only held my hand tighter. I took this as my answer and as a queue to go on but the next question filled my heart with dread. How would I react to a negative answer. " Do you..." I hesitated regarding his stance and I could see him coaxing me to continue in his manner.
" Do you love me?" It was done. Now I could only brace myself.
Loki was wrong before. It was now that he was utterly defeated. He couldn't ignore Alfdis loving gaze. She had broken all his walls, again. Loki could no longer deceive himself to push her away. So, he gently brought her hand to his lips with a smile. Alfdis full smile came to her face. He placed a gentle kiss on her knuckle before he answered. He could read her like a book now. She was as anxious and had shivered with his touch.
"Yes, beloved, I love you. I always have."
I cried now, truly cried. Tears cascaded. "I would wipe your tears but as you see I cannot" He said.I nodded, lubberly cleaning them myself with my free hand. " So,our conclusion can only be, you are not a monster." I stated elated strongly gripping his hand. Loki conceaded her conclusion because he wanted so much to belive in it; even though he believed more in her. Alfdis was forever his beacon of light in his darkness. He still now wondered how he got her.
" Alfdis,what about you ?" I was confused. What was he asking? He seemed unsure and he never was. Loki drew us closer our fingers interlaced foreheads almost touching. Blast this bars. " Do you love me?"Loki whispered. It was for me only to hear.
" Yes, my prince, for a thousand years, yes" Came her anwswer in a flash. How overjoyed he was. He thought he had lost her forever as he intented to. For once, he was glad his plan failed. " I'll always love you, Loki" Alfdis whispered back.