Getting Jin settled in the Earth Kingdom Embassy proved more difficult than Zuko imagined. His uncle wore many hats, apparently. Iroh had always been good at foreign relations and hospitality. But since everyone had left after the Solstice Festival, Zuko had trouble even locating a key to the building. Then, when he was finally able to show Jin to a room, he had no idea what to tell her to do for meals, laundry, entertainment…
"Uhhh, the gardens are nice." He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged. "I can show you where the royal spa is if you'd like."
"I'm fine, Zuko. Really." Jin stretched her arms above her head as she surveyed the room. "Wow, who knew when I met you that you were… this."
"If you're referring to the life of luxury, that's not really who I am." He let out an exaggerated sigh. "Although I guess I wasn't really the guy you met, either."
"It's OK if you're still trying to figure out who you are. I know I am." Her expression turned somber.
"I'm so sorry about Than." And that knowing me seems to always come with a price. "I wish we could have—"
"Hey, there's nothing you could have done, so don't blame yourself, OK?" She forced a small smile.
Zuko wondered how a girl who barely knew him could possibly know him so well.
After everything that had happened with the zipline, the snake bite, his uncle, and Takeo, Zuko's nightmares returned in full force. So, on their second day back at the palace, he decided to check in with Dr. Jung.
The doctor did not seem particularly pleased to see him. "You missed our last session."
"Sorry, I went to Ember Island for a few days. And then I was in the hospital… and then I went back to Ember Island. You didn't know?" Zuko settled into his usual chair, realizing that therapy was starting to feel like routine.
Dr. Jung scowled. "I was more than aware of your absence. I had to deal with a situation with Azula's guard, Ming. Then I had to lay low myself for a while."
Oh, right. "Yeah, I heard about that. Um… sorry."
As things normally went with the doctor, he then began to soften. "I may have heard a little about what happened to you… and your uncle. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Hmmm. OK, then. How is the dream journal coming along?"
"I didn't take it to Ember Island with me… I was sorta kidnapped by my friends. And I didn't have it in the hospital. So, I haven't started it."
Dr. Jung sighed. "OK, then. So, I have another assignment for you. I want you to write out everything you remember from the Agni Kai. Start wherever you'd like, at breakfast that day, putting on your socks, whenever, but make sure you include all interactions you had with your father. And end it with the last thing you remember. You said it was his face, so describe it."
Zuko groaned. "Didn't we already talk about it enough?"
"I want something to compare the dream journal to. You said something interesting in our last session. It seems like you are a spectator in your dreams, not actually experiencing it like you did in real life. That's why I want you to write what happened exactly. Spare no details."
"But… but… I'm not a very good writer," Zuko protested.
"Nonsense. Your Fire Lord duties require you to write all the time. There's a desk over there in the corner. Here's some parchment and a quill."
" What, you want me to do it here? Now?"
"Yes."
"But… " Zuko made a noise of frustration.
"I also want to make sure YOU do the work. Not someone else." Dr. Jung raised an eyebrow.
"What? How would someone…? OK… fine!" I'm not sure what he's getting at, but it's not like anyone else could write this account. No one except…
Zuko sat at the small corner desk per Dr. Jung's instructions. Its wooden chair was not nearly as comfortable as the plush seating he liked, where he could sink in and enjoy a cup of the doctor's energizing tea. He thought about asking for some tea now, but Dr. Jung appeared to be shuffling through papers on his desk, ignoring him completely. Zuko scratched out the first two sentences he had written. Ugh, this is hard. When he made it halfway through the page, he read back through, scratching out every fourth word or so. He gripped his hair in frustration and cast a sidelong glare at the disinterested doctor.
Just then, the door to the office flew open, and a whirlwind of red fabric and black tresses launched toward the doctor. He barely had enough time to stand and catch the woman who then clung desperately to him, sobbing violently.
At first, Dr. Jung held his arms out wide, unsure of what to do. He saw the look of horror on the young Fire Lord's face, but even from across the room, they came to a silent agreement on the matter. Dr. Jung then wrapped his arms around her, and she sank into him even more. "Shhhhhhh. Ursa, it's OK. You're safe now."
After a few minutes, she collected herself enough to say, "I went to see him."
"You did what!?" It was the most emotion Zuko had ever heard the doctor express.
"I shouldn't have. It was terrible. Jung! Please, erase the memory of it. Make it go away!" Ursa gripped him tighter.
Zuko swallowed thickly and closed his eyes. He knew this would happen. And he wished it were as simple as erasing it instead of facing it. But perhaps Dr. Jung was better equipped to help his mother than he was. He thought differently, however, when he opened his eyes and saw Ursa cupping Jung's cheek, unmistakably close to kissing him. Before Zuko could voice his protest, Dr. Jung reacted.
"Ursa, this is not what you need right now. And… now is not a good time." He gently coaxed her aside so that he could open a drawer to his desk.
"Why are you pushing me away?"
"Ursa, take this tea. It's a calming blend. Go see Dr. Yang."
"You don't… want me?"
"No! I mean, yes… dammit. Ursa, we can talk later, OK?"
"Jung, I need you now!'
"But Ursa—"
She started closing the gap between them, and Dr. Jung took a few steps backward. Even Zuko could see the hurt in her eyes at this rejection. He was about to make his presence known since Ursa hadn't noticed him yet, but Dr. Jung beat him to it.
"Ursa! I have a patient! Will you please leave?"
Ursa froze. "Oh!"
Mother and son met eyes, but Zuko saw so much grief in hers, that he had to quickly look away.
"Zuko, what are you doing here?" Her voice was surprisingly steady.
"I… uhhhh…" Zuko looked helplessly at Dr. Jung. He didn't notice that Ursa had crossed over to him and was reading over his shoulder.
"Oh, Zuko…" she gasped.
Zuko quickly covered the parchment, his story. She doesn't need any more fuel for her pain.
Dr. Jung cleared his throat. "Ursa, please. Do you mind?" He pointed to the door.
Ursa stood there for a few minutes, looking back and forth between them as if weighing her decision. Then, she left without another word.
Dr. Jung followed her to the door. "Sorry about that, Zuko. I very rarely get interruptions, but I'll be sure to lock the door next time."
"I… it's ok." Not really. None of this is ok.
"So… you didn't tell her you were seeing me?"
"No. She would be… she'd get all… motherly about it. You didn't tell me she was seeing you, either." Zuko glared at the doctor.
"She's not. I haven't seen her in months. I don't know why she would go…" Dr. Jung's cheeks flushed with anger. "I'm sorry. This is your session. Let's get back to it. How's the writing going?"
"It's hard," Zuko admitted.
"Well, I just want you to know that whatever you say… or write… in here is confidential. I won't tell your mother… or anyone for that matter."
Zuko suddenly realized how much that meant to him. "Thanks. I'm sure it wouldn't instill much confidence in me as a leader… if people knew."
"Do you think doing this makes you weak?"
"Ah, no? Yes… I don't know."
"Well, it doesn't. It takes a lot of courage to admit when you need help. We're hard-wired to think we can handle everything on our own, but we're not meant to live that way. We're relational beings. Which is why dysfunctional relationships are the most devastating to us. It's why when one relationship goes badly, we look for solace in another." Dr. Jung nodded to the door as if the exchange with Ursa proved his point.
"I guess so."
Dr. Jung continued. "Healing from your past hurts so that you can have healthy relationships in the future is the best thing you can do for yourself. You are strong, Zuko. You can do this."
"I can't. Do this. Right now." He handed over the parchment.
"It's fine. Do you want to go over this first part you wrote?"
"No."
"Well, then take it and keep working on it."
"No."
"Zuko, what's the…?"
Zuko couldn't describe what he was feeling exactly, but he'd almost lost his uncle, and now this with his mother. He felt shaken—to his very core. "You say that I am strong, but doing this doesn't make me feel strong. It makes me feel shame. I'm tired of taking one step forward and two steps back."
"Any movement forward is progress," Dr. Jung offered by way of encouragement.
Then I feel completely and utterly stuck. Zuko sighed and refused to make eye contact.
Dr. Jung sensed that Zuko had shut down. "OK, I won't push you. We'll pick up next week, then. If you have any dreams, record them in the journal."
"OK." Zuko stood to leave, but then lingered in the doorway. "Dr. Jung?"
"Yes, Zuko?"
"I don't know what my mother needs right now. If it's a doctor… or a lover… but I don't think that you should be both."
"I think you're right, Zuko. I just want to see her free from all this. I will do whatever I can to help her find healing."
"I wish you could just erase it, like she said." Zuko sighed.
When there was no response, Zuko left wondering what thoughts were behind the doctor's grim expression.
Zuko had received word that everyone had arrived safely in Two Rivers, and his uncle was resting and recovering well. He felt some anxiety about managing his advisory council without Iroh, but he'd done it before, and he found that with Satoru gone, it was quite productive—and pleasant. He pitched the idea about replacing the High Sage, and they unanimously agreed it should be Shyu. They would draw up the decree and vote—they only needed a majority to pass it, and Zuko felt confident they would get it.
He didn't mention the other matter—about his great grandfather—since he wasn't sure that it mattered much. With Satoru off the council, he should be able to freely marry Katara, he figured. He did ask Piandao in confidence, and the swordmaster suggested that if he was truly curious, that maybe he could find something in the Dragonbone Catacombs. Zuko had zero desire to go down there unless absolutely necessary, so he decided to let it rest.
Katara resumed her work at the hospital. Dr. Yang had strategically scheduled her with certain at-risk patients so that her healing abilities would be drained so much that she couldn't justify tending to Satoru's critical, but non-fatal wounds. Katara normally considered all patients deserving of healing, but she had already saved this man's life once. If he had been successful in his little exile effort, she wouldn't even be here to help anyone much less him.
After work, she would shower, take a little nap, and join Zuko for dinner. Afterward, they would retreat to his office for what became the highlight of their day. Zuko always had more work to do, and Katara proved most helpful. She sorted through the scrolls, alerting him to the most urgent ones, and even answering the more simple requests herself. Their political discussions were always lively and invigorating. Katara realized that Zuko knew a lot and that she had much to learn. Zuko saw that she was a quick study, and he also appreciated her fresh perspective.
Because they were both stubborn and spirited people, they would argue about things, too, but in the good sort of way—where a better solution came about in the end. When Katara would get passionate about a topic, and even when—especially when—she'd get frustrated about it, Zuko found that incredibly… sexy. He knew how to break the tension. With scrolls and Fire Lord robes pushed aside, the desk seemed like as good a place as any.
There was something about fucking in the Fire Lord's office that made Zuko feel very… powerful. It wasn't that he was overpowering her—it was quite the opposite actually. On some nights, she'd partake in her new favorite drink, the Roaring Panda, a spirit distilled from the panda lily with supposed aphrodisiac effects. Those nights, she could be quite dominating. It drove Zuko wild.
No, it was empowering because of the partnership. The unity. The oneness. In those moments, in his mind, she was as much the Fire Lady as he was Fire Lord. He couldn't bring himself to say it, though. Aside from it being unofficial, a little part of him was still scared. Scared that this companionship would vanish by morning. Scared that she would get scared—things hadn't exactly gone well for past Fire Ladies. Scared that if he lost her, he would lose everything.
But that was only a small part of him. The rest of him felt full. Loved. And lucky… for once in his life.
"Come to negotiate, Ambassador?" he taunted.
"No, Fire Lord, I plan to take by force," she teased before pinning his thighs to the edge of the desk and rolling her hips into him.
Oh, Agni, I could end every day like this.
But the day didn't end there. The office became a place for that because the bed had become a place for screams of terror and words of comfort. He was sweating again, but from fear instead. She gripped him so tightly that her nails started to dig in, but this time for a different reason. The nightmares came every night now, and neither of them knew what to do.
Zuko tried writing in the dream journal, but the content of his dreams was becoming more and more convoluted. There was always a flaming fist, that much he knew, but he couldn't tell whose it was. Sometimes he couldn't write about it. It just didn't make sense.
So then he decided to write about what really happened. He would often do this soon after waking up from a nightmare. Somehow it helped him gather his thoughts, bring him back to reality. Since this happened to be his reality.
A/N: The session with Dr. Jung also appears in my side fic, The Doctor Is In, but the only thing that differs is the addition of my author's notes. Zuko has always disapproved of Dr. Jung and his mother having a relationship. He doesn't know about her being a Joo Dee, though.
Zuko's council is a bit of a fledgling operation as far as government models go. I think I'm trying to figure it out as much as he is. Like how exactly are decisions and laws made? I do think that Zuko would want advisors not only because he's young but also because he wants to do things differently—and better—than his father did. The Fire Sages are essentially ordained by Agni, however, with a historical "spiritual connection to fire." I decided for them to essentially operate as dynasties because Avatar Wiki said that Shyu's father was also a Fire Sage.
So, I give Zuko a lot of confidence in the physical aspect of their relationship for a reason. Mainly because he lacks confidence in so many other areas, but I do think he'd be pretty damn good at this part. He's a fast learner, and he goes to great lengths to please the ones he loves. This yields great results when it comes to sex with Katara—she's very responsive, lets him know what she likes, and she even takes the lead every now and then, which he loves.
I saw a piece of "nsfw" fanart recently that while beautiful like everything else the artist does, was entitled "Zuko Atones..." It bothered me. Sex should never be about what is owed. Or used as a bargaining chip. Or a source of empowerment of one over the other. Yes, I understand roleplay and certain power plays being very sensual. It works for some relationships, I realize, but the key word is mutual. Maybe later in their relationship, I could see a little "I'll save you from the pirates" action going on, but I can't see this idea of atonement being very healthy. Zuko is forgiven for his "past atrocities," and he'll need forgiveness again because like Piandao said, seeking perfection in a relationship is setting oneself up for failure. So, simply put, Zutara sex is always about pleasure, never about penance.