Zuko awoke the next morning disoriented but not for the usual nightmare-induced reason. It took him a while to figure out why he was staring at the underside of his desk, but then a contented sigh and a shift in the legs that were entangled with his gave him a clue. He rubbed the back of his neck and then propped himself up on an elbow to look at her. It was definitely not the most comfortable place to sleep, but she appeared to be doing just that, very peacefully, with lips slightly parted and her chest rising with each even breath.
His own body swelled with appreciation as he drank hers in. She was beautiful, intoxicating—and he didn't need the aid of alcohol to abandon himself to her. He could feel desire flowing in his blood, but also something else. The sun was up. Which meant this moment wasn't going to last long before the daily demands of being Fire Lord would tear him from her. Can I get away with hiding under my desk all day? With her. Like this.
She sighed again and rolled over to her side, but he saw her wince in pain as she did. He then noticed the bruises he'd made on her hips. Surprisingly, though, it didn't bother him. He knew that she had risen to meet him the night before. He remembered that she had seemed shocked at first, but she never looked afraid. They had been together through all of it just as they always were. She'd even marked him before. Besides, she could heal herself. He would never make that an excuse, but in this case, it was pretty convenient.
Her eyes fluttered open to meet his gaze of complete adoration. She smiled. "Hey, you. Whatcha thinkin' about?"
He reached over and ran a finger down the length of her side. "About how I wish I could stay here all day like this."
She shivered under his touch. "Mmm. Would be nice. Maybe we could at least have breakfast together."
"I'm not sure if there's time for breakfast. There's barely even time for tea."
She pushed herself out from under the desk to a seated position and stretched her arms above her head. Zuko watched the contours of her body as she did this, his eyes intense. She noticed. "So, Fire Lord. How do you like your tea in the morning? Do you like it mild and sweet?" She raised an eyebrow. "Or… bold and strong?"
Zuko knew exactly how he wanted to respond. No pain this time. All pleasure. He gently lifted her from the floor and positioned her in his chair. Kneeling in front of her, he placed a soft kiss on the inside of one of her thighs. "I like it smooth..." A kiss on the other thigh. "Dark…" He hovered in the center, his breath hot as he spoke. "And full of flavor."
Katara hooked her elbows around the armrests of the chair, bracing herself for what would come next. Zuko had barely made one pass with his tongue when Jin burst through the door. His reflexes were quick as he ducked back under the desk and tossed his Fire Lord robe up to Katara to cover herself.
"Uhh, hi Jin." Katara's voice was an octave higher than normal.
Jin stood frozen for a minute while her blush spread across her cheeks and to the tips of her ears. Then she promptly turned on her heel and walked out, calling over her shoulder, "Tell Zuko he has a meeting in ten minutes."
Katara draped the robe across her shoulders and pushed her arms through the sleeves. She could hear Zuko's heavy breathing from under the desk which matched the quickened pace of her own heartbeat. Almost getting caught was kind of… exhilarating. Ten minutes, eh? Katara wheeled the chair over in front of the desk, straightened her back, and spoke in her best official-sounding voice. "So, for my first act as Fire Lord, I command—ohhhhhhh…"
Zuko wasn't sure what her orders were going to be, but he had started something, and he planned to finish it. After one flick of his tongue, he looked up at her to gauge her reaction. Perfect. "Fire Lady Katara, I am your loyal subject."
It was Iroh who interrupted next. Katara didn't quite have the lightening reflexes that her boyfriend did. She quickly closed the gap in the robe across her chest and snapped her knees together, catching Zuko's head in between them. When he jerked away, he hit his head on the underside of the desk. Somehow this was not exhilarating.
Iroh heard the thunk followed by his nephew's curse. Then it was Katara's turn to blush, wishing she could disappear under the desk, too, but Iroh had already pinned her with a look of…what was it? Wait, is he… laughing?
After a few hearty chuckles, Iroh cleared his throat. "Ah, Ambassador Katara… or should I say, Fire Lady Katara? Have you seen my nephew, by chance?"
"He's a bit, uhh, indisposed at the moment," was her high-pitched answer.
"I see. Well, if you happen to… bump into him, will you let him know not to miss the council meeting this morning? We're voting to erect Shyu as High Sage. Please tell him that it's important for him to insert himself in this meeting so that we can finally bring this decision to its climax."
"Um, ok," Katara squeaked.
"Thank you. I hope it won't be too hard on him to try and come." Iroh nodded with satisfaction when he heard a groan from under the desk. After he left, his laughter could be heard from down the hallway.
Katara let out the breath she'd been holding. "Zuko, when you said it was your uncle who told you about the sex shop… I thought…you were kidding."
Zuko thought maybe there was a daily limit to how much embarrassment one could experience, but as the day pressed on, he decided that there wasn't, at least not for him, anyway. It was bad enough that his uncle had continued his not-so-subtle innuendos throughout the council meeting. The young Fire Lord was trying to be reverent and spiritual, even, when it came to the appointment of the new High Sage. Since Shyu had requested this approach, he felt he should honor it. Zuko wasn't sure why his uncle thought the legend of how the islands were formed by fertility goddesses was somehow relevant.
Afterward, he tried to get work done in his office, but it was hard not to think about Katara. Perhaps they needed to move things back to the bedroom if he was going to be so distracted in here. But damn… the way she screamed…and how it echoed… He leaned back in his chair to look at the bare drab walls. Hmm... maybe I should redecorate?
There was a knock at the door. Finally! Someone knocks!
Jeong Jeong marched in with Arik at his heels. Neither looked very happy.
"I cannot teach the boy," Jeong Jeong barked. "He is not ready."
"Of course I'm ready! I've been firebending since I was four years old!" Arik protested.
"He lacks discipline. And respect. He must learn those things before he can learn to deal with fire." The master delivered his words to Zuko, but Arik's temper began to rise as the man spoke.
"He's making me burn leaves!" Arik bellowed. "I already know how to burn leaves. And what's the point of that?"
Zuko remembered that he had found Arik up in a tree burning leaves the first time he met him. But the young firebender wasn't doing it to maintain control, however. He was doing it because he felt out of control.
Jeong Jeong then turned to face the boy. "I told you the reason is discipline. But you refuse to listen. This is why I cannot teach you." With that, the master stormed out.
Arik let out a noise of frustration and plopped down in the chair in front of Zuko's desk. "What am I supposed to do now?"
"Umm… apologize?" Zuko would be hard pressed to find another teacher for him.
"Ugh, I hate this place."
"What? Why?"
Arik looked a little rueful, but continued, "Welllllll, Lady Ursa sorta freaked out yesterday. And Master Jeong Jeong is just a freak. And I thought you were pretty cool, but…" He glanced away as he trailed off.
"But, what? Arik, I'm just trying to help. What did I do?"
Arik closed his eyes and sighed. "Umm, so I couldn't sleep again last night…"
Oh, no.
"I came here but someone was… screaming. So, I left. But it kinda sounded like… Miss Katara? Umm, I'm not sure what—"
"Sparring. We were just, uhh, sparring. I wasn't hurting her, she just gets a little… excited? Sometimes." What a lame ass story. He'll never buy it.
Arik looked instantly relieved. "Ohhh. OK. That makes sense." He furrowed his brow in thought. "So when she yells 'don't stop' and 'harder,' that's like her way of taunting you… or something?"
Yeah, something like that. "I guess."
"My sister does that sometimes when we're fighting. She tries to get me to fight back more so that I'll get in trouble with Mom."
No, no, not the same. "Sisters can be annoying… yeah." Zuko knew he needed to redirect this conversation. "So, since you missed another firebending lesson, do you want to do some sparring now? I've got a little time before swordfighitng with Piandao."
"Spar? With you? No way."
Later that afternoon, Zuko was back in his office. He rubbed his sore neck while sorting through the meeting notes Jin had prepared for him before she left for the Caldera with Katara. Occasionally his thoughts drifted toward thoughts about them, but he strained to keep focus. The day had already been plagued by a series of diversions, but if one thing remained constant, it was the incessant workload.
"Come in," he said to the faint knock at his door.
"Sorry to disturb you, but a package was just delivered for you." Jin tiptoed in and placed a bundle on his desk.
"You guys are back already?" Zuko asked.
"Yes. Is there anything you need me to do?"
Zuko really wanted a neck massage but figured that would be inappropriate to ask her. "Umm, yeah. I'm kinda swamped with work. Would you mind bringing some dinner?"
When Jin came back, she eyed his desk curiously after placing a tray of food down in front of Zuko.
"What?"
Her cheeks pinked a little. "Don't you think a bed would be more comfortable?"
"Umm, probably." He was still thinking about his sore neck.
She shrugged. "Well, Katara was limping a little today. It's... just a suggestion."
Zuko didn't catch on until after Jin had left. Why didn't Katara heal herself?
He then turned his attention to the package. It was from Ba Sing Se. Most things that came from that wretched city meant trouble for him, but he opened it anyway. He did not expect to find a letter from Dr. Jung. With a renewed surge of anger toward the doctor—anger he had been trying to let go—he began shaking slightly as he read.
Greetings Fire Lord Zuko,
I hope this letter finds you well. I apologize for the abruptness in my leaving, and I do wish we would have parted on better terms. I arrived in Ba Sing Se within a few days of Dr. Wang's passing. He has imparted all his research to me, and it is taking some time to sort through his files and books. I do not imagine that I will see you again until King Kuei's wedding.
While I was packing before I left, I noticed something was missing. A journal that would not have been shelved among the things that were burned, yet I did not see it among the items that remained. If you found it, by chance, and have not done so already, BURN IT. I do not advise that you read it. Those memories are not even worth the ashes they would leave behind much less the flames they would ignite in you. I implore you to burn it, Zuko. Let it go.
Meanwhile I have found something that will prove to be more useful to you. I am sending Dr. Wang's notes he took while conducting a series of interviews with your uncle. Dr. Wang's predecessor was commissioned by Avatar Roku to study the Fire Nation royal family. You said yourself that your father would make a good case study. Well, it appears that someone was already studying him. These are not sessions with your uncle, simply stories he told about your family's past, so I do not feel that I am violating anyone's trust in passing this on to you.
I know you cherish your relationship with your uncle, so understand that this may shed him in a different light. You may want to share this information with him or let him know you have access to these notes. Or not. The choice is yours.
Regards,
Dr. Jung
Zuko read the letter a few times before finally picking up the worn leather-bound journal. He turned it over in his hands and then thumbed through its pages, taking in its earthy scent. His anger had subsided and curiosity replaced it, yet he remembered what happened the last time family secrets had been revealed to him. Am I ready to know more? And face facts about Uncle?
Katara didn't knock, but she didn't have to as far as he was concerned.
"What's that?" she asked.
"Oh, it's uhh… nothing." Zuko put the journal in the bottom desk drawer along with his mother's dream journal.
"Zuko. Don't read your mom's journal. If you're not going to give it back to Dr. Jung, then you should burn it."
"It's not—I won't." He could tell she wasn't convinced by the look on her face. "So, what's in the bag?"
Her face lit up. "Oh! The stuff we bought at Kit-n-Kindle. Wanna see?"
In all honesty, he wasn't in the mood. Dr. Jung's letter and the possibility of what was written in both Dr. Wang's notes and his mother's personal account was weighing heavily on him. He gave her a half-hearted smile which she took to mean yes.
"OK, so for Kuei and Song, I got the Roaring Panda, like I said I would. And also, this." She handed him a bottle. "I just thought it would make sense… coming from you and me."
"Fire and Ice," Zuko read the label aloud. "Enjoy complementary heat and cold sensations with this water-based personal lubricant. Non-bender formula." He raised an eyebrow at her. "I wonder what the bender formula is like?"
"Well, that's the interesting part. The vendor said that Fire and Ice was traditionally designed for partners where at least one was a firebender. But the manufacturers have expanded their line to include different bending elements and appeal to nonbenders as well. He had just received some new products, so I decided to try them."
"You… tried them?" Zuko had never been to the shop, but he couldn't imagine how one would go about trying the merchandise. Then again, she went there with Jin, and he'd already let his imagination wander.
"Well, I mean, I bought them… so we could try them," she clarified.
Oh. Right.
"So there's this one, called Dirty Minds, from the Earth Kingdom."
Zuko felt his pulse quicken when he took the bottle from her. "It's like a… mud bath?"
"And this one is supposed to be from the Water Tribe, but I'm honestly a bit skeptical."
"Heh. Wet Dream. That's… clever." Zuko set the bottle down on his desk next to the other two.
He then noticed Katara was giving him a funny look. "What?" he asked, fearing she had expected a certain reaction from him.
"Zuko, when was the last time you had a dream? Like one of your nightmares?"
"Oh, umm." He wasn't sure exactly, but it had been a few days at least. Then, he remembered. "I had one the night we stayed at the inn. But not since then."
"Hmm. Before that you were having them every night. I wonder what changed."
Zuko just stared at her blankly. I have no fucking clue.
After studying him for a minute, she cleared her throat and pulled out one more item from her shopping bag. "Last thing. I got you some whiskey. Since I know you don't like the Roaring Panda."
"Spice of Life," he read. "Cinnamon and clove infused rye whiskey specially formulated to spice things up."
"Do you want to try it?" Katara crossed over toward the liquor cabinet to get shot glasses, and Zuko noticed the slight limp Jin had mentioned.
"Katara, why didn't you heal yourself?"
"Oh, I dunno. What was it you said? Not all pain is from a bad memory?"
"Yeah but that was just a bruise on my back. You're having trouble walking." Shit, I took things too far.
"I'm fine, Zuko. Really." She set the shot glasses down on his desk, but he placed a hand over his.
"None for me, thanks. Not tonight."
"Not tonight for just drinks… or—"
"Can we… I just have a few things to finish up here, and then I'll meet you in my room. OK?" He circled around the desk and pulled her into a gentle embrace. She feels so good like this in my arms. It wasn't worth it. I should have never… He sighed.
"OK, sure. I'll see you soon," she said as she gathered the items from the shop and put them back in her bag.
When she got to the doorway, he spoke, his voice raw with emotion. "Katara, I… never meant to hurt you. And I promise I won't do it again."
Her lips twisted into a sly smile followed by a pout. "You better do it again. In fact, I'm going to go heal myself right now, so I can be ready for more."
"What!?" Zuko called after her, but she was already out the door. His momentary confusion was replaced with a wave of relief. It's OK. Really.
He poured a different kind of whiskey and settled back down at his desk with Dr. Wang's journal. The scrawled handwriting was difficult to decipher, so he waved a hand to light an extra lantern. Maybe I'll just read a few pages and then go to Katara.
Interviews with Iroh
By Dr. Wang
Our research has been stalled for quite some time now, but General Iroh camps just outside the walls of Ba Sing Se, and he would be as good a resource as any. I will go to him. I will offer something, myself as a war prisoner, if I have to. The ultimate goal is to know the mind of the Fire Lord and to put a stop to the madness and this war.
In the Earth Kingdom, white is a symbol of surrender. We wave a white flag, and so I choose to wear white as I approach the army's camp. In the Fire Nation apparently, it means death. They wear white to their funerals. I wonder if I am attending my own funeral. When I arrive, the General invites me to tea.
Thus begins my interviews with Iroh. I will write them as he tells them. He is warm and open and not at all what I expected. Perhaps he is his own brand of crazy.
I ask him what sort of man Fire Lord Azulon is, and for some reason, this is how he begins, "I remember the day my brother was born. I was eleven years old. Father was pacing. Mother was screaming. And then, she was not. I heard the baby's cries not long after, and I looked for the joy I expected to find in Father's eyes. He had gone stone cold, rigid like a statue. And then he was gone. I'm not sure if he ever came back after that, honestly.
I was the first to hold Ozai. Father left without even naming him, so the midwife saw the way I would 'proudly carry' my baby brother, and that's what the name means. He was a fussy baby, but the wet nurse said any child without a mother would be. It was true that I had also lost my mother, but I felt like I had to be strong for Ozai. It seemed like he had not only lost a mother, but a father, too.
So, Fire Lord Azulon mostly withdrew behind his pillar of flames and took out his grief and anger through brutal war tactics. He eventually came around to actually acknowledging Ozai, at which point my brother threw himself at any opportunity to please Father. I was advancing in the Academy, well on my way toward my military career, so I let Ozai be. He was a talented bender and very determined. I knew Father would eventually see his potential.
But along the way, Ozai became insanely jealous as well. I was relieved when I got my first army assignment. I was tired of him competing with me for Father's attention. I was tired of the constant challenges to duels to prove his bending skills. And I was tired of the threats he made about who would be a better Fire Lord someday. He was glad to see me go, of course, content to stay by Father's side and learn what really mattered. He would study politics and war tactics and would have an edge over me. This was his strategy at the mere age of thirteen."
Zuko closed the book. It had become too much at that point. Why did Dr. Jung think this would help? By proving he was exactly like his father? Maybe I should just burn the damn thing.
But then he remembered there was something else he was supposed to burn. His mother's dream journal. He opened the bottom drawer where he'd stashed it, pulled it out, and put Dr. Wang's journal in its place. He sat with the book in his lap for a long time just staring at it. I will not read it. I will not read it. Just let it go.
With a flick of his wrist and a twitch of his finger, he lit a fire in the hearth opposite his desk. He poured another shot of whiskey and downed it before tossing the journal into the flames. The alcohol burned his throat while he watched the pages curl and crinkle, creating sinister tendrils of smoke. Paper burns as easily as skin. But painful memories do not dissipate like smoke in thin air. They are with us forever. Like the scars we bear.
He did not hear her come in, but he felt her lightly kiss his forehead. I know I don't deserve her, but I don't know what I'd do without her. He couldn't seem to take his eyes off the fire, though. Soon his mother's words would start to smolder, mirroring the emotion that swelled inside him. Like fire beneath the surface that simply needed to be stoked in order to reignite. Like a deceptive bed of coals that still held so much heat.
"Did you burn it?" Katara asked.
"Yeah."
"Good. It's better that way. Now, come to bed. I've been waiting for you." She extended a hand to him.
He hesitated before taking it, but when he did, the coolness of her touch extinguished the flames within him. The sensation—and realization—made him almost too light-headed to stand. It could have also been the effect of the whiskey... or the heat of the fire... or the impact of yet another family secret revealed.
But one thing was suddenly crystal clear to him. He knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I am NOT like my father at all. Because I would never, ever hurt her. Not like that.
A/N: Zuko starts his morning feeling pretty confident about the night before, but then he vacillates throughout the day. Even though he knows everything is OK, and Katara assures him of this, his old fears have a tendency to creep back up. He doesn't really know details about what his father did to his mother, although if he let himself dwell on it, he could figure it out. The contrast is this:
When Zuko "marks" Katara, it is during a consensual and mutually pleasurable experience. At first, she refuses to heal her own bruises because she's kinda proud of them... or likes the reminder, in a sense. When Ozai "marks" Ursa, it's non-consensual and very one-sided in the pleasure-seeking. At first, Ursa refuses treatment for her burns out of denial and shame. When Katara screams, she says, "Don't stop," and "Harder." When Ursa screams, she says "Stop," and "Please, no pain." And both couples even have routines/schedules, but Zuko and Katara are flexible and responsive to each other's needs whereas Ozai is very rigid and controlling with his expectations.
Why point out the distinctions? Well, there's the obvious plot point that Zuko is nothing like Ozai, and he doesn't have to be afraid of becoming him, either. But generally speaking, just because they are Fire Lords doesn't mean they can do whatever they want. Just because a person is in a position of great power doesn't exempt him/her from human decency. And in relationships, even marriage, one person's will does not "trump" the other's without consideration, communication, and compromise.
So, what exactly went wrong with Ozai? Well, Dr. Wang and Iroh are going to help us figure that out with some Fire Nation backstory. Ozai and Ursa's story is presented in more detail in Burning Passion which I initially intended to be a one shot, but when the ideas flow, you just gotta go with it. Sometimes I wish I didn't have those kinds of ideas, though. Next up in Rising Tide is Kuei and Song's wedding in Ba Sing Se, and I also have a fun chapter planned for A Ride With A Side of Advice.