Chapter 27

Letting Go

Patience sat quietly in the old leather chair in Eva's room as she listened to Eva talk about her brother Harry's wedding, which would be occurring the following weekend. Patience considered privately that it seemed quite a lot of people had been rushing to get married recently. Harry was an exception, since he had dated Philippa at Hogwarts and they were both now 24. However, Edward had only dated Carrie-Louise for six months before getting engaged. Sarah's brother Nolan had just got engaged and he was only 19. Elspeth and Euan would be getting married in little more than a month and Sarah's Freddie had already asked her father twice for permission to marry her and would likely keep asking until he received the answer that he wanted. Although it was not uncommon to be married within a few years of leaving Hogwarts, there was definitely an increase in marriages in the last year. It was as if the young wizarding community was nervous that there might not be time to wait.

Patience watched her best friend animatedly gesture and describe the various amusing family anecdotes about guest lists and affronted relatives. Eva had no idea what was coming. She would not be aware that He-who-must-not-be-named was building strength and was going to begin a war against the wizarding establishment. Eva had no sense of the danger that would soon haunt the wizarding world and Patience could not tell her. Patience could not warn anyone, in fact. The Daily Prophet had made a mockery of Harry Potter and, to some extent, Headmaster Dumbledore's belief that the Death Eaters had brought their master to life again. No one wanted to believe otherwise and, other than her husband's word that she was unable to repeat anyway, Patience had no information that she could tell to change this.

As Eva moved on to discussing Harold's latest idiocy and Patience politely but somewhat absently commented at the appropriate moments, Patience thought about her own husband. It seemed that she had married a Death Eater as devoted and dangerous as one of the infamous Lestranges. Severus had been somewhat evasive when discussing both his loyalties and what he was doing, but Patience could only assume that this meant he was playing several different groups against one another for his own motives. As a teacher at Hogwarts, Severus might have even convinced the Headmaster that he was loyal to him. Everyone knew that the Headmaster was the most powerful of those who would fight against He-who-must-not-be-named if another war came, so Severus might be trying to work Dumbledore for information.

Patience was not sure what she thought about the fact that her husband was, in fact, working for a group that she had always considered to be quite evil. She had been raised to see pure-bloods as obviously superior to Mudbloods or even those of mixed parentage. Although she had known many half-bloods at Hogwarts and considered them quite decent witches and wizards, Patience still felt a slight prejudice towards pure-bloods. She supposed that what she really preferred about pure-bloods and even some half-bloods who had been raised properly, was that they knew the correct manners and customs. Muggleborns were constantly making faux pas and silly mistakes, which had little to do with magical ability and everything to do with backwards Muggle-based thinking. Muggles were very odd and really rather stupid, so it was hard even for a somewhat incompetent witch such as herself not to feel that magical persons were superior.

However, Patience had always felt that one ought to protect Muggles rather as one did children. She knew how frustrating it was for her not to be able to do what everyone else could do, so she could empathise with Muggles who had to rely on their quaint "science" for everything, instead of magic. Muggleborns were a nuisance, but if only one took the time to train them up then they could learn decent manners, sort out how to properly navigate the wizarding world, and not always be trying to reform everything.

Severus was an obvious example of how exceptional magical training by the magical parent, in his case his mother, could raise a half-blood child into a wizard or witch that was every bit as good as a pure-blood. In fact, Patience still had trouble believing that Severus was only a half-blood. He might be rather nasty when he chose, which she admitted was most every moment of the day, but he was powerful, intelligent, and extremely competent. Dark wizards must have immense skill if they were to control their magic, instead of being controlled by it.

As Eva continued to ramble about Harold, Patience suddenly interrupted and asked, "Eva, why are you still with Harold? Do you still love him?"

Surprised, Eva did not answer, but only regarded her friend closely.

"You are never happy with him. He does not listen to you, he does not pay the proper amount of attention to you, and he is always trying to do what he thinks you should want despite that you do not want it. You have told him what you think of him and he hasn't changed or truly taken you seriously, so why don't you kick him to the kerb and move on? I don't know darling, but it does not seem as though you love him anymore. You sound rather like you despise him."

Eva sat down on the edge of her bed, pulled her knees up under her chin, and hugged her legs tight to her chest. "I don't know. I think…I think I am afraid to do it. I have wanted to, I think."

"Why would you be afraid? If you don't love Harold then you will be miserable married to him."

Eva nodded. "I know. I think I have known that for a while now, almost a month really. But I thought I wanted this for so long that it is hard to let it go."

Patience got up and sat down beside her friend, putting her hand on Eva's back. "Harold may love you, but he is not good for you. He isn't going to give you what you want in life."

Eva wiped away the tears that were flowing down her cheek and said unhappily, "I know. Why didn't I break it off before? When I was thinking it out last night I realised that I don't think I've ever loved him. I think I just thought that I did. It seemed like he was perfect and that I should love him, so I think I must have convinced myself that I did."

Patience knew exactly what Eva meant. "That is precisely how it was with Bobby, you know. I was crushed when I found out about his girlfriend, of course, but even before I had to marry Severus I had realised that I did not love Bobby. In my case, I think I just desperately wanted to be loved and he seemed to be offering me love and a safe escape from my family. If I had married him it would have been awful."

Eva wiped her face again and took Patience's proffered handkerchief. "I have wanted to ask you something, Patty, but you don't have to answer me if you don't want."

Patience continued to gently rub her friend's back and replied, "You may ask me, Eva. I will answer."

"Are you still so unhappy with Snape? Is he horrid to you or have things improved?"

"Things are very different. You were right. He does love me. He has even told me so, not using the word love of course, but using words that mean exactly that to him. He has told me that I am the most important thing to him."

Eva peered at her friend and asked tentatively, "You feel better now about knowing that he loves you than you did at first?"

"Yes. I don't really know what I think of him anymore. There are things that I am unable to tell you about him, but you won't be surprised to know that he is a very complex person."

Eva shook her head. "No, I wouldn't."

Patience had dropped her hand from Eva's back and was now clasping both hands in her lap. "I do not know how our marriage will ever work. No matter what he feels for me, I am an unwelcome distraction from his work. I think that he regrets marrying me and I fear that he wants to end things."

Patience stood up and moved to Eva's window to hide her face from her friend. She had always been useless at lying, but she had to convince Eva first, even before Sarah and Elspeth, if anyone were to believe the charade about their separation. Severus had told her so. She must think of the baby and follow Severus' plan, as much as it galled her to lie. "I don't want to end things though, Eva. I don't know why I care whether he wants to see me, but I do somehow." This at least was not a lie. Patience might not love her husband, but she did want the chance for an amicable relationship at least.

Shocked at her friend's admission, Eva exclaimed, "You think he would divorce you?"

Patience turned round sharply. "No, he would never do that. I don't know what I am saying. I do not know what he is going to do, Eva. I just know that he doesn't seem to be willing to take much more of me. However, he will not divorce me. I am not precisely sure whether he even can, but he won't want the stigma of failure that a divorce implies, especially with a child."

Patience could see her friend blanch noticeably as Eva blurted out, "You are pregnant? You never told me!"

Patience nodded and turned her face back to the window. "I know. I saw Mijnheer Van Ussel yesterday and he confirmed it. He even told me the date it occurred, as if I wanted to know so precisely. I shall deliver in late August."

"Did you want to have a baby, Patience?"

Patience crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, I didn't want to have his baby, but I do want to be a mother. I have always wanted that. I am going to love this child no matter what Severus does. Perhaps he will be a poor father, I don't know, but I will be a good mother. My child will know it is loved, at least."

Eva tried to smile sympathetically, as she said in a soothing voice, "You will be a wonderful mother, Patience, and I am sure that no child would ever be so loved."

"I hope so. I never thought I would have children so young, but it does not matter. I will be ready when it is time. I want to ask you something now, Eva."

"Yes?"

Patience looked intently at her friend and asked, "Have I done something wrong or are you avoiding coming to my house because of Luther? You've not been there in almost two weeks."

Eva looked somewhat shifty, as she said, "Because of Luther? Erm, why would that…"

"Honestly, Eva, I am not so daft that I don't know about Luther's feelings for you and neither are you. I know you are aware of it."

Eva sighed, as she answered, "I didn't think that you did know, actually, because you seemed to be ignoring it."

"No, I have told Luther to keep away from you, but that was between my brother and me. I didn't say anything to you about it, because you seemed determined to disregard it all."

"It is embarrassing, actually. I mean, Luther, you know?"

Patience did know. "Yes, he is not very nice. I have got used to him more and he is better now that he has actually acknowledged my existence."

"But I don't want to be with Luther. He would be worse than Harold."

"I don't think that he would be good for you either Eva. That is what I told him and he has agreed that he would leave you alone. He is not going to slip you a potion or anything, Eva. He has actually said so. He told me that he would not want your affection if it were not real. To be honest, Eva, he has been very upset that you have not come round because he is afraid that he has made you unhappy."

Patience could see that her friend did not believe her as Eva replied, "Perhaps he has said so, Patience, but if he is concerned then it is because he wants me to come round so he can see me."

Patience frowned. "You know I don't think that Luther is a very decent sort of wizard, Eva. You know that. He is quite ruthless and selfish and this will likely never change. However, his feelings for you are quite sincere. Even he does not understand how he fell for you so wholly and so suddenly, but to his credit, he is trying to be a better man than he really is and do the right things. He hasn't blundered about making an ass of himself to win you over or tried to steal you away from Harold. He has not done anything except be unusually polite when you are there and keep out of your way since he knows you are not interested. It is rather pitiable how he will sheepishly ask me how you are if I forget to tell him each day. He could have made a nuisance of himself or he could have played it false and tried to sweep you off your feet by appearing to have changed. Yet he hasn't and I don't think he would, because he is surprisingly genuine, Eva. He makes no pretence for whom and what he is."

Eva huffed loudly and fell back onto the bed so that she was staring up at the canopy. "I don't like him, Patience. I do not think that he is very genuine. He has convinced you and that is in his favour because you are my best friend. If he wants to succeed then he would have to get you on board, wouldn't he?"

Patience leant against the windowsill as she answered, "Would he? It might help, but if you felt anything for him then my opinion should not matter a whit. I have quite definitely told him that I do not think he is good enough for you and I haven't tried at all to persuade you to like my brother. Nevertheless, I'm not going to let you malign him either. He's a tosser, but he does love you and has been more decent about it than Harold ever was."

"Well let's leave Harold out of this. Luther is the man who let my best friend be abused by her family and never did anything about it. He even allowed his twin to taunt you in front of him and said nothing. He may claim that he did not realise how horrendous they all were to you, but if that is true then he is a monumentally self-adsorbed person. I cannot like that sort of person, Patience."

Patience threw her hands up in the air as she said, "I am not trying to make you like him! I haven't forgotten what Luther has done, but since I have forgiven him and am willing to accept that he was just too caught up in himself and his research to notice me or what anyone did to me, then I think you should let it go, Eva."

"I can't forgive him so easily. Your life was such hell, Patience, and he enabled it to be so."

Patience sat back down in the old leather chair and looked seriously at her friend. "It was and he did and I forgive him. The thing about Luther is that he notices very little that doesn't concern him, but that which does interest him he turns all his attention on and does it right. In his own way Luther cares very much about me now, which is all that matters to me anymore, Eva."

Eva lifted her head from the bed, saying, "You have changed, Patience. You really have grown up since Hogwarts."

Patience sighed. "I have had to do, haven't I? However, my life is so much better than it ever has been before, you know? It isn't what I had dreamt of but I have a real relationship with my brother, I have a husband who loves me though I still can't say why, and I am going to have a baby. All this and I still have my three best friends and I don't have to ever live with my parents again."

Eva replied softly, "Only you could be so optimistic, you know. But you are right. He has at least provided you with an escape from your parents and we three girls still love you. But I thought you'd said that he was tired of you."

Patience inwardly chided herself for forgetting to play her part. "He is. I don't know, he loves me Eva, but he cannot handle being with me. He isn't openly cruel to me, in fact he has made it clear that I matter to him, but I think that he has begun to feel as though I am too much of a burden." Patience wondered how she was ever going to be able to convince her best friend. Eva was too intelligent and if Eva was this clever then Patience wondered how the wizards and witches about whom Severus was so concerned would not be able to suss the truth, as well.