Chapter 34

Admission

"Well I have never seen Eva like this, Patience. With Harold, she always seemed to think everything through and be sensible. But when she talks about Luther it is as if he isn't the person she loathed for all those years, but some wonderful god-like being."

Patience bit her lip as she looked at Sarah's worried face and turned to see what Elspeth thought. "Is she like that with you both? Because she isn't at all with me, you know."

Elspeth Bruce McDiarmuid thoughtfully rubbed her forefinger along her still shiny, new ring as she softly confirmed what Sarah had said. "She is, Patience. Anytime that anyone ever mentioned Luther in the past, she was poisonous about him. I always thought she hated him. You know how passionate Eva can be about something and if she dislikes someone…well, you know. Now she just seems to have gone soft. We must have heard about every nice thing Luther has done from the moment they got together. I am not saying that she oughtn't to be happy and Luther has done some incredibly romantic things for her. I do not mind her telling us. I am just saying that it is so unlike Eva, that's all."

Patience's eyes widened as she considered what her friends were saying. Sarah sighed as she mused, "I wish Freddie were half so intelligent about being romantic. He means so well, but he is so cack-handed and clumsy at it all."

Elspeth and Patience both began to reply at the same time. Patience nodded to Elspeth to go ahead, so Elspeth spoke with unusual curtness, "I think that having gone to your father four times now to ask if he might marry you is more than enough, Sarah. I imagine Euan would have lost heart."

Patience also added a little less kindly than normal, "At least you know that he loves you, Sarah. Freddie might not be as smooth as Luther, who you should remember has his fiancée's best friend for a sister so he has an inside line on what Eva likes, but Freddie would play his next Quidditch match stark naked if he thought it would please you."

Sarah flushed deeply and replied, "I…I suppose you are right. I know Freddie just is not the romantic sort. He's as subtle as a Bludger."

Patience suppressed a little scream of annoyance. "I think that there is plenty of romance in a man who will stop speaking in mid-sentence the moment you walk in the room because he can't think of anything else when you are there. Or in a man, who skipped a Quidditch practise on your birthday to take you to lunch even though he knew it might jeopardise his career since it is only his first year with the Cannons. Or even in one who buried his pride to go to that horrid father of his for help to purchase your ring so that you could have something worthy of you. And you won't even wear it until your father agrees."

Sarah, who had begun to cry, choked out, "I can't be married if Father won't let us."

Elspeth, who her friends knew as one of the most obedient daughters in Britain, smacked her hand onto the table and said firmly, "Why not? Do you love him?"

"Yes, of course, you know I do."

"Well then who cares what your father says? He thinks professional Quidditch players are idiots and not terribly respectable. Your father is not going to change his mind."

Sarah, her face hidden in her hands as she tried to catch her breath, said "But…oh you're right. I should just tell Freddie that we will run off and be married. Father will have to accept it eventually."

Patience reached across and placed a hand on Sarah's arm. "Well it is either that or let Freddie go. You can't ask him to wait forever and it must be rather humiliating for Freddie to keep begging your father and then have you doing nothing."

Sarah shook her head. "But Freddie keeps saying, 'Don't worry love, your father will have to say yes eventually. He will get tired of me asking if nothing else.' And I have tried to get Father to change his mind. I've said everything I can think of to convince him."

"So it is time to act, Sarah. If your parents wanted you to wait until you were older, I would understand that. We are all of us getting married so quickly recently. However, to refuse Freddie at all, that is not reasonable. He is good to you and he worships you, which is what your parents should want for you."

Elspeth interjected softly, "And he has a good job, so you won't be poor."

Sarah wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and asked Elspeth seriously, "If your father had told you that you couldn't marry Euan, would you have run off?"

Elspeth immediately replied, "Yes. Euan would never have done it, because he is so nervous about his career at the Ministry, but I would not care. I would do it, yes."

Patience patted Elspeth's hand, "Don't doubt him darling. He is a determined man when he wants something."

Elspeth smiled slightly, "Yes, but he cannot bear to break the rules. For example, he is awfully strict about wanting me to Floo now instead of Apparating, even though all the Healers say that it doesn't matter until your fourth month…oh! I was not supposed to say that."

Sarah dropped her handkerchief on the table and gasped out, "Elspeth!"

Patience said in surprise, "I thought you and Euan were going to wait until he had got his job secured before you had children."

Elspeth, whose cheeks were almost as red as her hair, stammered, "Well things…happen sometimes. Even Euan can forget to be responsible occasionally."

Patience laughed as she replied, "Apparently so darling. Are you happy?"

Elspeth clenched her hands nervously, "Well I don't know. I am sort of scared, really. I was not quite ready, but Euan is over the moon. He will not let me do anything "strenuous" and he is taking ridiculous precautions. He doesn't want me to tell anyone yet because 'there is a high risk of miscarriage before the fourth month' and because of some other statistic he quoted and some study that shows something."

Sarah giggled as she returned to mopping her eyes and trying to straighten her slightly mussed hair. "How very typical. He's an awful gumby, isn't he? Haven't you even told your mother?"

Elspeth shrugged, "Of course. Euan thinks I have not, but Mummy knew almost immediately. She knew the first day we were back from the honeymoon—before I even knew actually."

"It happened on the honeymoon? My goodness."

"Well when else did you think Euan would have been so distracted he would forget to cast all four Contraceptive Spells?"

Sarah and Patience both laughed. Sarah asked through her giggles, "Not four?"

Elspeth nodded. "Four. The only night he forgot was the first."

Without thinking Patience softly said, "It was the second time for me. Almost as if we have a Fertility Spell on us."

Sarah said definitely, "I do hope not. I have no intention of having Freddie Boyne's children before I'm at least 23. And he may think he's going to have a little Quidditch team one day, but one baby is plenty, thank you."

Patience added, "And you don't know how relieved Luther is that Eva has no plans to have children soon. He says he has never wanted children of his own much and, unless they have a daughter who looks like Eva, he still is not very interested. I don't think he would want anything else to take Eva's attention away from him either."

Elspeth frowned, "He is awfully selfish. I don't really see how she likes him, not even if he does love her so much."

Sarah, displaying a rare moment of intuition, suggested, "Perhaps it is because he values her brains. She has heaps of them, doesn't she? If she were not so passionately loyal and fair-minded she ought to have been in Ravenclaw. She had the best NEWT scores for a Hufflepuff in over 20 years, didn't she? Anyway he also seems to care what she wants, which Harold didn't seem to really manage."

Patience nodded. "Luther respects her mind and talks to her as a person, not like a trophy. Although I am not sure that he thinks she is entirely equal in intelligence."

Sarah tilted her head and seemed to think as she spoke, "I don't think that she is though. Luther is essentially a genius, isn't he? He passed the Warlock's Tacitry Exam at 12, didn't he?"

"Yes. How did you know that?"

"Nolan, who had it from Harold. I mean, Luther is really more of a warlock than just a wizard anyway. Those lot are fiercely intelligent in addition to their skill."

Patience rubbed her upper arms as she responded, "They are, yes. I hadn't thought of it, but perhaps that is why Severus treated him differently."

Sarah made a face and said, "He's a true warlock, Professor Snape is. You can tell. Awfully dark and dangerous, but he's brilliant." Sarah looked very seriously at Patience. "I know you wish he hadn't left, but I am glad he is not there with you anymore, Patience. He's incredibly dangerous. Whether it was the persons he knows or himself, he was only exposing you to unsafe things."

Elspeth made a gesture indicating that Sarah should be quiet, immediately, and then returned to the original topic of their conversation by asking, "So Eva is different with you, Patience?"

"Yes, she is always saying how worried she is that Luther will turn out to be more of a….er…"

"A berk?" Sarah suggested helpfully.

"Erm, yes, to put it mildly. Anyway, she is afraid that he will do something truly horrid, like attack one of her brothers if they say one more time that she should take Harold back. Her family has been pressuring her awfully about Luther. Eva is scared not only that she has put her trust in him and caused all that dissent in her family, but that Luther will turn round and break her heart."

Elspeth nodded sagely, "I know. I can tell she is worried about that. She feels so guilty that she is causing her father so much stress when his health is fragile. We all know that Luther has a dodgy history, so you can see why she is worried."

Patience huffed and replied tightly, "Yes, well, he's been going mad trying to think of ways to prove himself to her."

Sarah said thoughtfully, "I think that the Lecteur letter that followed her all over London until she could find somewhere private to let it read to her was the funniest. However, my favourite was the time he sent her the Delightful Daydream card that took her on the boat ride down the Nile in Ancient Egypt. It sounded lovely."

Elspeth shook her head and said definitely, "No, what about that horribly rainy day when he sent her the Eternal Sunshine Pastilles so that she could still take her evening walk in the garden like she loves to do? Euan says that anything using Eternal Sunshine Potion is dreadfully expensive."

Sarah added, "Oh I just remembered about how he found that book that her brother had been wanting and sent it to her. I thought that was really decent of him, especially since her brothers all despise him."

Patience sat forward in her chair, pushing away her long empty Blackcurrant Fizz glass, and said, "Even though he got Aldebaran Shipley to take on their company for the lawsuit, when Luther says that Shipley turns away new cases because he is full up for the next year. I do not think that they understand how lucky they were to get Shipley though, because Luther had to persuade them to retain him for future counsel. Anyway I think the flowers are the nicest thing he does."

Elspeth shrugged, "Oh any man can do flowers, Patience. Even Euan has finally sussed what I like and has them delivered at least once a week."

"But Luther wakes early every morning to select the flower and makes certain it is waiting on her windowsill for her before 7."

Sarah cooed, "Ohhh, he picks the flower himself?"

"The flower seller comes to the house at 6 with the best blossoms and Luther picks the one that is most perfect and has his owl take it to her window. All this because I once told him that she was obsessed in seventh year with the Charming Ianthus series, so he got the idea from there. Remember how she used to whinge about Harold and how he would never be as thoughtful and romantic as the wizards who were trying to win Ianthus' heart? So Luther made me get him one of the Ianthus books so he could find out what sorts of things Eva would think were especially romantic."

Elspeth was trying not to laugh, but Sarah seemed to find the idea of Luther reading a romance novel to get ideas very romantic. "I think that is one of the best things I ever heard! Does Eva know?"

Patience choked back another laugh so she could answer, "Of course not. He would probably curse me with boils for a week if he knew I had told you two. If I ever told Eva he would probably turn my hair green permanently or something. It is sweet, yes, but it is also almost the funniest thing ever. You should have seen him scowling as he read the book and every fifth page or so he would turn to me and ask, 'Do witches really like this ridiculous nonsense?' or 'No sane witch would want her wizard to act like this. Really Patience, you wouldn't laugh if a wizard said this to you?' But when I told him which things were more realistic he dutifully tried them. And you know Luther is not an early riser, so getting up to select flowers goes against his nature in two ways."

As he pressed the outer door to his private quarters closed, Severus Snape felt a wave of immense relief wash over him. He had almost made an error in handling Umbridge that afternoon and he had been forced to take away four points from his own house that morning. He needed a respite from his position as Potions Master and yet he would have to supervise a detention in little more than an hour.

Snape strode purposefully to the large bookcase beside the door of his study and ran his hand along the row of his personal copies of the texts used in his classes. His fingers grasped the spine of the third-year manual and he pulled it from the shelf. Snape pointed his wand behind him at the door, speaking aloud several archaic Greek words, which would be sufficient to keep most prying eyes from bothering him, and then sat down at his desk next to a pile of unmarked third-year essays. Momentarily diverted by a sudden desire for a small goblet of Felton's Old, Snape looked towards his locked cupboard and raised his wand with a flourish. After finishing the contents of the small pewter goblet that had appeared on his desk, Snape returned his attention to the pile of essays before him.

Opening the textbook, Snape reached into his pocket, drew out a very small black quill, and dipped it in the bottle of murky reddish-brown ink next to the stack of rolled parchments. Then with a short tap of his wand on the pages of the textbook and several strokes of his finger along the edge of page 314, Snape bent in to read the curly green writing that had suddenly appeared in place of the description of the Simple Cramping Remedy Potion.

As he turned the page to continue reading, Snape could feel his insides churning with tension. Of course, he had expected Luther Kent to get his way with Eva Rosser from the moment that he had learnt she was seeing him. Kent was a resourceful, wilful young man, who was deeply in love. Miss Rosser had as good as signed the marriage contract when she agreed to let Kent take her to dinner.

What had been Snape's chief concern was how Kent's marriage would affect the arrangements at the house on Wygracket Road. Despite Kent's vow to protect Snape's wife at all costs and to keep the Prince-Snape family secrets, Snape was not foolish enough to expect that Kent would be able to put his duties to Snape above Eva Rosser's happiness. Despite the news that Kent was planning to live with Patience even after the marriage, Snape now wondered how much less secure his wife would be.

Snape had learnt to live with the bitterness of his desire for her despite the reality that he could no longer see her, but only as long as he could tell himself that she was not in danger. It was evident to him from what she had been writing in her book that she still did not believe that their separation was necessary and that she felt betrayed by his absence. He also had to force himself to turn a blind eye to the fact that she was blatantly miserable with the work at the RAS. Compassion was not in his nature, so he could more easily repress his pity for her than he could ignore the surprising fact that his wife seemed to want to see him despite everything.

Snape lifted his quill again from the inkwell and allowed his hand to hover over the blank page opposite his wife's writing. There was nothing that really needed to be said. As before, everything important could be written openly to Kent in his next letter. It was better to keep his distance to keep his sanity. Therefore, Snape moved to set the quill back down and picked up his wand to return the book to its normal condition, but then stopped again. Tossing his wand back onto the desk, Snape set his quill to the page and began to write.

"I cannot explain anymore than I already have my reasons for staying away, Patience. You know why this must be. The safety of the child must be placed paramount to your loneliness or my own.

These books were supposed to be a way for us to communicate important information to each other, not a forum for emotional discourse. I have not had any information to share with you that did not also need to be sent to your brother, which is why I have not yet written to you here. This does not mean that I have not been reading what you have said or that I do not take your thoughts seriously.

There is little that I could say to you in response to your personal admissions, Patience, because I cannot change any of the things that are causing you distress. I cannot return to the house to live with you, I cannot allow you to quit your programme of study with the RAS, I cannot allow you to take your friends into confidence, and I cannot allow you to have any open contact with me. You are fully aware of my reasons and, if you are honest with yourself, you must admit that I am right.

Despite what you apparently believe, what you are feeling is most definitely of significance to me. I choose, however, to make my decisions based on what is best for our own and our child's safety, not what would grant us short-term gratification with serious long-term consequence. You are not the only person who is affected by this separation, Patience.

In reference to your comments about your studies, do not neglect your studies of Defence in preference for Charms. Although Charms is quite useful, you must at least learn the very basics of Defence. Your brother is going to teach you the Shielding Charm so that you can place a shield on the baby when necessary. This subject you cannot neglect. If your current texts continue to prove insufficient, your brother will find others. You are quite capable of learning this material."

Snape read through what had been written—choosing consciously to ignore the voice that was shouting in his head, telling him to admit to her that there was a desperate void in his life now that she was unavailable to him. He had not expected that returning to loneliness would be so much more painful than the decades past, which had been filled to the brim with emptiness with no hope of change. He had been entirely unprepared for the extremely bitter taste of losing something good and wonderful; since he had never before known that this was something he wanted.