AUTHOR'S NOTE: While this fic draws on many actual events, it is obviously not intended to reflect anything that is actually going on in Dan and Phil's lives. I don't know them, and I am merely writing a completely fictional story loosely inspired by some of the interesting aspects of their lives and relationship as seen in their videos. This chapter doesn't contain much action; it's mostly just Dan brooding, but it should give you an idea of where he's coming from in all this.

Chapter 2
A Waste of Space

When Dan got to his room, he shut the door and leaned against it for a moment. That had been worse than he expected. They'd had disagreements before, of course—plenty of times—but they'd always worked things out. In all the years they'd known each other, they'd never yelled at each other like that before.

Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he sent a quick text to PJ. He didn't feel up to actually talking to anybody right now.

Can I stay at yours for a few weeks?

The reply was almost immediate.

Of course! ?

But Dan didn't feel like explaining, not by text and not by talking and … maybe just not at all. He just wanted everything to stop for a minute. He should probably start packing a bag—Phil would probably want him out as soon as possible after that train wreck of a conversation—but instead he crawled into his bed fully clothed and just hid under the duvet, pulling it over his head completely so that he was surrounded by quiet darkness and could start getting his breathing under control. His face was still wet, and he wiped the tears away with his hands.

He curled himself into a tight ball and thought back on the argument with Phil. There was no way someone like Phil could understand why Dan needed to do this. Phil had always been so comfortable with himself, with just opening up in front of the camera and sharing his true self with the world. Sure, there were times when he was sad or angry or just not in a good mood, but in general there was so little darkness in Phil, so little he seemed to feel a need to hide.

In comparison, Dan felt like a complete fraud, and TATINOF had only made it worse. He'd spent months going around with the ever-sunny Phil—meeting fans, singing and dancing, acting like this funny, happy, cheerfully ironic guy, making the "Existential Crisis" just a comedic part of the act—when it all felt like just a persona he'd donned in order for subscribers to like him. It wasn't even entirely about wanting to get people to watch his videos, or buy tickets to their stage show, or anything like that; it was about the fact that, deep down, Dan knew that he wasn't someone people would want to know, or watch, or really have anything to do with. Not just on YouTube, not just in his career, but just in general. Dan wasn't someone anybody would care about. Not if they really knew him.

When he'd first met Phil, it had seemed like a miracle, this unbelievably cool person noticing him and seeing something worthwhile in him and encouraging him to pursue his dreams. And he felt like Phil did know him, at least better than anyone else ever had, but it wasn't right to rely so heavily on one person, and especially not someone who was just a friend. It wasn't like they were together, and Phil deserved to find someone he could be with that way, someone who could be a real partner to him. And Dan knew that his constant presence in Phil's life, Phil's constant need to be there for him and lift him out of his dark moods … that was all getting in the way of Phil's real happiness in the long term.

He curled up tighter as the guilt ate at him, as it always did when he allowed himself to think about everything Phil gave him and how little he gave in return. It wasn't fair to Phil. Dan hadn't really noticed that when their friendship first formed—he'd been young and selfish and intoxicated with that first connection to another person who seemed to value him in a way no one else ever had, and he'd been nursing a pretty significant crush too—but the inequality had become more and more apparent to him as the years had gone on. And he just couldn't do it anymore, couldn't hold Phil back when Phil deserved everything good in the world.

Sure, they'd helped each other's careers by combining their brands—the book and the tour would probably never have happened for either of them alone—but it was all based on lies, on Dan hiding the ugliness that filled him on the inside, on Dan wearing a mask for the public, and even for Phil to some extent. He knew he didn't deserve all the praise and adulation, the cheering crowds, the awards. He was nothing more than a liar, hiding the true darkness of his own soul by turning it into a joke so that no one would take it seriously. He played the role well—he'd always been a decent actor—but that's all it was: a role. And that made it all so … meaningless.

It had been so much worse since they got back from the tour. He'd found himself returning to his Internet-surfing patterns, just slouching on the sofa and eating cereal and watching "American Horror Story" and realizing that, even with everything they'd accomplished, nothing had actually changed. He was still the same useless waste of space, and if he wanted to actually be worth anything, then it was time for him to get off his ass and create something that might make the world an even slightly better place. Maybe he could do something to help people. He'd felt good working with the "Nicer Internet" folks, and he'd even felt like some of the "Internet Support Groups" might be addressing issues that could help some of his viewers, but he needed to do more.

Someday, 13-year-old girls wouldn't be subscribing to him anymore just because he had dimples. Someday, he'd have wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, and he wouldn't be "pretty" anymore, and what would he have going for him then? A uni drop-out with no real work experience except making a bunch of frivolous YouTube videos with cat whiskers on his face. Where would he be then? Phil had his university degrees and his endless creativity, and he could always move on to making films, getting back to some of his edgier aesthetic from his earlier videos. Phil had such a bright future ahead of him, but Dan…

Dan felt like if he was going to make any difference in this world, if he was going to contribute anything worthwhile and be more than just another anime-obsessed video gamer scrolling through Tumblr for hours every day … well, if he was going to actually do anything with his life, then he needed to do it now.

He was quite aware that he wasn't ever going to be a good person, never going to be somebody who could show everything inside him and be … well … loved. He knew he was never going to have that, because he would never be able to be truly honest with anyone to that extent, not when he knew how ugly the truth was. But maybe he could do a little bit of good, contribute a little something to the world so that in the end his existence might not have been a total waste.

So it was time to set the cat whiskers aside, time to stop relying on Phil's support, time for him to finally go it on his own and do something real.

He pulled the duvet down so that his head was exposed, and he looked around his room. He was going to miss this place. He'd always felt so safe here, with the fairy lights on the headboard and Phil just in the next room. But it was time to grow up and move on.

He got out of bed and started packing a bag.