AUTHOR'S NOTE: My computer died yesterday, so I'm trying a different method of uploading than usual. Let me know if there are coding weirdnesses or something. Thanks!
Chapter 9
"Why I Don't Take Drugs ... Yet"
"Hello, Internet!" Dan is sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed in his new flat. The duvet is the same, and the familiar fairy lights are strung along the headboard, but the artwork is hung in different places and the walls are a slightly different color than before.
The main difference, though, is that Dan's face looks thinner and paler than usual, and that he has noticeable circles beneath his eyes. He is wearing a baggy beige jumper with the sleeves pulled down to cover his hands, and he keeps fidgeting with his fingers at the edges of the sleeves.
"So ... you may be wondering why you haven't seen any videos on my channel for a few weeks." Dan gives the camera a knowing look, an obvious attempt to look ironic or cheeky, but really he just looks tired. "Well, the last one went over so well that I just thought I'd spend some extra time making sure this one was perfect. Wouldn't want anyone criticizing me, after all. We all know how much I love that!"
Cut to Dan looking off-screen for a moment, swallowing visibly, his throat working before he turns to look directly at his viewers again. "But we'll get to that in a moment. Right now I want to point out that this video is a sort of response to one posted by a good friend of mine, catrific, several months ago, called 'Why I Take Drugs.'"
The thumbnail for catrific's video appears on the screen and Dan gestures to it, saying, "You should watch it. It's worth a look, and I'll tell you why." The image disappears again, and Dan is once again center screen. He looks pensive.
"YouTube is a funny place. I mean, I've been telling you guys a lot of personal details about my life for more than 7 years, but there are certain things I've always felt I had a right to keep private, that there are things the Internet doesn't need to know."
"That's why I was so blown away by Cat's video last year, because she completely opened up about this incredibly personal topic, about her own struggles with anxiety, and allowed herself to be completely vulnerable around an issue that makes her most ... well ... vulnerable."
"Another friend of mine—you may have heard of him—AmazingPhil recently made a video in which he talked a lot about bravery. I'm not going to say much about that video, because it's pretty embarrassing and I think he's a little biased in his opinions, but I do like this topic of bravery. Because true bravery is what Cat showed when she talked about her anxiety and how it affects her life and her YouTube career. She was opening up to viewers about something so intensely personal ... I just couldn't believe it, and I admire her so much for it. I'd already known she was an amazing person, but this was more than I ever would have expected her to reveal to the Internet at large."
"There's so much stigma around mental illness in our culture, it's ridiculous, especially given how common the problem is. Statistics show that one in four people in the UK will experience a mental health problem in any given year. One in four, and yet it's this great taboo, this thing everyone is afraid to talk about or admit publicly, this thing people feel they need to hide and be ashamed of."
"And this stigma is even more ludicrous because it treats mental illness as if it's a personal failing or a choice, like people are choosing to be depressed, as if they're simply lazy or bored. We don't treat people with cancer as if they can just 'snap out of it,' so why do so many of us treat depression or anxiety that way? 'Oh, there's nothing to be nervous about,' we tell people with anxiety, effectively dismissing the legitimacy of their struggle. 'Just take a walk outside and you'll feel better,' we tell people with depression, belittling the severity of their feelings."
"Well, I say, 'Fuck that!' We need to start approaching mental illness just as seriously and compassionately as we approach physical illness. No one should be made to feel afraid to admit suffering from anxiety or depression or body dysmorphia or any other mental health problem. If our culture were more accepting of these issues and help was more easily obtainable, then suicide rates would not be as high as they are. More than 6,000 people commit suicide in the UK each year, and that statistic is only looking at people over the age of 15! This is a national health crisis, and not only in the UK."
"Everywhere in the world, we need to start accepting that mental illness is real, that mental illness is not a choice, that mental illness hurts people, and that mental illness kills people. We need to do something about this. Every single one of us, every single one of you can do something about this, just by talking to your friends and letting them know that they can talk to you, or by being honest with people you trust about how you're feeling and not letting social stigma keep you silent or ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of!"
"One of the things that celebrities have started doing about this is the equivalent of 'coming out.' ... opening up about their mental health struggles ... and YouTubers have been doing it, too. Cat is the person closest to me who's done it, but Zoella, Shane Dawson, and Tyler Oakley are just three of the other YouTubers I know personally who have spoken publicly about their own mental health issues. And I really admire all of them for their candour and their courage in doing so."
Cut to Dan looking away again, letting the fingers of one hand emerge from the sweater sleeve in order to fiddle with his hair, repeatedly pushing his fringe to the side as if trying to fix something that was perfectly fine already, then cut to him once again looking into the eyes of his viewers. He looks nervous.
"I was never that brave. I made jokes about it. I joked about having 'existential crises' that rendered me incapable of functioning. I joked about the blackness of my soul. I joked about obsessive editing, needing everything to be perfect, hating all of my videos because they never seemed good enough, being afraid of people judging me. But I never said, 'I have a tendency toward depression,' or 'I get anxious' ... because I didn't have the courage to say those things. A lot of people feel that way, and there's no shame in being afraid to open up—our culture certainly doesn't encourage it—but it doesn't help you to stay silent. It didn't help me. But I was just ... afraid."
"But now," Dan shrugs and smiles a real smile for the first time since the video began, his dimples deep as he shakes his head slightly, "well, it can't get much worse than the response to my last video, right?" He looks down for a moment, fidgeting with the sleeve cuffs again, then back up to the camera. "How many more people are going to unsubscribe if I admit that I barely got out of bed for a week after getting a little bit of criticism?"
Flash to a scene of Dan in bed with his laptop in front of him, his bare shoulders just visible beneath the black-and-white duvet before he gasps melodramatically and makes a horrified face before abruptly tossing the laptop aside and pulling the covers over his head. Muffled, exaggerated sobbing can be heard from beneath the duvet.
Then cut back to Dan sitting at the foot of his bed in that bland, baggy jumper. "I'd fallen into a spiral of despair that wouldn't let me out of its clutches until finally I found that tiny bit of strength to call someone and tell them I needed help. And I do mean strength, because that's what you need in order to reach out and tell someone what's going on with you."
Dan looks intent now, his face serious and determined, staring directly into the eyes of his viewers through the camera lens.
"And that's why I'm telling you all this, because there may be some of you out there who are in that same spiral, who are in those same clutches, and maybe you feel alone ... but I'm here to tell you that you're not. I've been there, too! I'm not making a joke of it this time, not trying to laugh it off so people don't pity me or mock me or whatever it was I was so afraid of. Because some things are more important than worrying about people judging me, and you guys are more important to me than that. If me telling the truth about my own experience helps even one person out there to find the strength to make that phone call to ask somebody for help, then it's worth it."
"So, yeah, I'm Dan Howell, and I struggle with depression and anxiety sometimes, but I usually try to laugh it off. Maybe you do, too. Only recently have I realized that laughing it off is treating it like it isn't important, and that's not good for everyone else out there who suffers from the same problems, because it's like I'm telling you that your issues aren't important, either. Well, they are. Your mental health matters to me, and so I'm going to try to take my own issues more seriously out of respect for you."
Dan shrugs uncomfortably, but continues looking directly into the camera. "I'm not taking medication, at least not yet, because I think my problems might be manageable without it. I'm doing better now that I've talked to someone about how I'm feeling, and I've figured out that I do better if I make sure to have contact with friends and not let myself isolate too much. It was easier when I lived with Phil, but I'm glad I'm having to learn how to manage this on my own, because I think it will make me a stronger person, needing to actually face this and admit it and learn how to deal with it."
Dan looks down at his hands, fingers obsessively fidgeting with the sleeves again, then looks back into the camera. His expression softens and his voice is quieter as he says, "That doesn't mean that Phil's last video didn't help, though. Support from your friends helps. Don't be afraid to ask for it."
Cut to Dan sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling a bit more cheerfully, "Well, that's all I have for today. I hope it resonated with a few of you out there. If so, be sure to talk about your experiences in the comments. We're here to support each other, and this is a place where you can do that. You can also tweet me at danisnotonfire with the hashtag #mentalhealth, and we can try to start a discussion."
The thumbnail of Cat's "Why I Take Drugs" video appears in the upper left of the screen, and the thumbnail of Phil's "What I've Learned from Dan Howell" video appears in the upper right. The thumbnail of Dan's "Moving On" video appears in the lower middle, near his belly. Dan gestures to each in turn:
He gestures to the thumbnail of Cat's video. "Click here to watch catrific's incredibly brave video about her struggles with anxiety. It's a great video, and everyone should watch it, especially if you have experience with anxiety or know someone who you think does."
He gestures to the thumbnail of his own video in the bottom center of the screen. "Click here if you want to watch my last fantabulous video, which resulted in nearly a third of my followers unsubscribing." He attempts an ironic smile, but it looks more like a grimace.
Visible pink spots appear on his cheeks as he gestures to the upper right at Phil's thumbnail. "And click here if you want to watch AmazingPhil's latest video, which was an extremely embarrassing response to mine."
Then Dan gestures around his own face with silly voguing hand movements as he says, "And click on my face to subscribe to my channel if you're interested in seeing more videos like this, with me rambling incoherently about my deep thoughts."
And then, with a jaunty hand gesture away from his head, Dan bids the viewers goodbye, and the video ends with an explosion of fire and a booming sound effect.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The catrific video mentioned in this chapter is real, and you can watch it on YouTube if you search for her name and the video's title.