-A Note: Phew, this is a tough one. Ok so two chapters in a couple hours... Hope you guys like both. I know this is getting tough but I promise you, I will not be mean much longer, so hang in there with me ok?
I love you all for reading and reviewing! I'm going to bed now since I have to wake up way way too early tomorrow. Have a good night lovely people!
My heart is continuously breaking into smaller and smaller pieces the closer it gets to the wedding. I didn't know it was even possible for a heart to break this much. Every time I'm sure the pieces can't get any smaller, sure enough another day goes by reminding me of how close I am to losing her forever and the pieces get surprisingly smaller. I don't know what else I can give or how much longer I can last and I know this isn't at all fair to Alex. I care for her of course, and having her near me makes me smile, but in the end I know I can't love her, not right now, and especially not like I love Emily. The adorable photographer deserves someone with a fully intact heart, ready and able to fully devote themselves to her instead of my broken and damaged one. I thought I'd be able to move on, I really did, but who knows how much time it will take now. I don't even know if I want to stay in this town anymore after tomorrow.
I'm sitting on the couch, with Alex's head in my lap, contemplating my relationships and my uncertain future. It's the night before the wedding and I can't stop thinking about Emily despite the girl in my lap making small circles on my palm with her forefinger. She's talking about something, probably her day, but the truth is, I don't hear a single word.
I sit next to Emily on the deck of my pool on the night of our fifth anniversary. Everything is perfect, we've just moved back to Rosewood from being in California for college, I've moved into the house my parents left me and I'm now an officer in the United States Army. Emily is living with Hanna for the time being since her parents permanently moved to Texas after Emily left for college but I plan to try and change that tonight. I've made everything really special and surprised her. There's candles everywhere surrounding the deck, soft slow music playing, and we just finished eating a dinner I made especially for her. This moment reminds me of the kiss we shared on in this exact same place. The light around us is a mellow glow tinted blue by the light from the pool. She settles into my side as I wrap my arm around her, pulling her into me. I kiss the top of her head and she sighs, both of us more than content with the moment.
"How's living with Hanna," I ask, intermingling the fingers of my free hand with hers. I want to ask her to move in with me but the nerves are proving difficult to overcome.
"I love her... You know I do, but I really just can't handle living with her anymore," she breathes out. The way she says it makes me giggle, causing a smile to return to her face.
"So, uh, where are you going to live then?" I nervously play with her fingers, lacing and unlacing them with mine. She furrows her brow out of worry; obviously not sure of what she's going to do. This might be my chance.
"Well, I don't really know that yet," she says, leaning her head back slightly to look at me. I lean down and give get a kiss on the forehead before moving to sit across from her. I then take both of her hands in mine and look her in the eyes with a smile.
"I have an idea," I say trying to gauge her expression. She looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to finish. I bite my lip and sigh, dipping my head. When I look up again I see her beautiful brown eyes and know for sure that this will not be a wrong decision. "Why don't you move in with me...? Maybe... If you want to." She seems to think about it for a second before looking up and smiling at me.
"Ok," she says enthusiastically slightly shaking my hands once up and down. My face lights up like a child's on Christmas morning.
"Really?"
"Really. I love you Paige, of course I want to live with you." Neither of our smiles can be bigger in this moment. I pull her in for a long kiss, feeling like I can't get enough of her. She's the only person I've wanted to be with, the only girl I've ever truly loved and I can't wait to begin planning the rest of our lives together, starting with this first big step.
"...take them down?" I eventually hear Alex ask. I snap back to my senses and look down at her.
"Hmm? What was that?"
"The pictures in the hallway, of you and Emily, do you think you should maybe take them down? Isn't it torturing you?" She asks it innocently and respectively. She's not trying to push me because she knows the history between Emily and me, but I think she cares enough to hate seeing me like this. I shrug and sigh, continuing to look down at her. She lifts her hand to my face, lightly touches my cheek and softly whispers, "I don't even know how you can be strong enough to go tomorrow. I don't know how anyone could." My eyes are sad as I look into hers. The only answer that I have is that I love Emily with all my heart and I always be there for her. I know in this moment what I need to do. Alex's been so amazing and caring to me, yet I know I can't give back what she's given to me. I rub the back of my fingers against her cheek softly as tears start to fight their way into my eyes. I don't want to hurt her but I will not lead her to believe she will eventually have me and my heart completely when I know it will never be full enough to give or mine to ever give to anyone else for that matter. Emily will has and will always have my heart, even if I no longer can even touch hers.
"Alex..." I whisper shakily and watch as her eyes quickly fill with concern. She sits up so she can see me better but I keep my eyes downcast afraid of what I'll see in her eyes when I say what I have to say.
"Paige, what's wrong?" She places her hand on my knee to gently let me know she's there for me. I feel the guilt rip through me. How can I do this to her? How can I break her heart? I know I'm going to hurt her, it's inevitable, but doing this now will cause so much less hurt then waiting till things are much more serious between us. Finally, I get up the courage to look her in the eyes even though I can feel the streams that the tears are starting to etch on my cheeks.
"I can't tell you how amazing you are, there really are no words," I begin to say, taking deep breaths as I go in an attempt to keep myself from crying harder. "You deserve someone just as amazing." The statement causes her face and shoulders to drop. She knows where my little speech is headed now.
"You are amazing, Paige. You're the strongest and bravest person that I know. Anyone else in this situation would have run away a long time ago," she reassures me, grabbing my hand to hold it with both of hers. I move my other hand to the top of her hands clasped around mine and give her a weak smile.
"Thank you," I say, "but that's not what I mean. You deserve someone who can reciprocate everything that you're giving them and unfortunately, Alex that isn't me." I sigh out, watching her face grow sad but there's no sign of anger. I grip her hands tighter, trying to reassure her that she's done nothing wrong. "I care about you Alex, I really do, but you should be with someone who can give you their whole heart and mine is in pieces. You don't deserve that." The tears flow harder, I'm powerless to stop them and Alex's eyes are growing wet as well though she never takes her eyes off of mine throughout the entire conversation. When my little speech is over she wipes away the tears under my eyes and rests her hand on my cheek. I close my eyes at her touch, the guilt causing her touch to sting, but she waits for me to open my eyes before speaking.
"You deserve to be happy too you know?" Her voice is sincere and sad. I nod but we both know that only one person will ever make me truly happy.
"I'm so sorry Alex. I'm sorry if I led you on at all. That was never my intention." She nods at me, light tears beginning to fall from her face.
"I know," she answers plainly;" I know you care for me but I also know I can never be Emily." Her face shows more sadness and I feel even more horrible for doing this to her. She's taking this better than I thought she would, showing me than she's an even better person than I ever knew. I open my mouth to say more but she stops me. "It's ok Paige, I get it." I hunch my shoulders, following her with my eyes as she stands up. "I guess I should probably go then," she mutters quietly, almost to herself.
"Alex..." I stop her as she begins to turn around, "Thank you. Thank you for showing me how to laugh again. I really do wish you the best and I'm so sorry."
"Take care of yourself Paige," she says pulling me into a hug.
"You too." We release each other from our arms and she turns to leave pausing for a second at the door.
"Oh and Solider Girl... If you do ever find your heart back in one piece again and able to love someone else... You know where to find me." With those words and a small, sad grin, she gives me one last kiss on the cheek before heading out the door.
I've been sitting on the couch, staring at the wall for a couple of hours with a beer in hand. I've had the same one in my hand the whole time; I'm not really the kind to get drunk just because I'm not the happiest person at the time, it's more of just something to hold. The label is picked apart and shredded, the remains scattered on the couch cushion. The mess will annoy me later but right now, I really don't care. I just broke up with my girlfriend and Emily, my Emily, is getting married tomorrow. The mess on the couch doesn't compare to the mess of my life right now, so I, like I said: I don't care.
I'm enjoying the silence when I hear the soft familiar tinkering of someone trying to pick my lock. I roll my eyes, knowing full well Spencer Hastings is outside my door. I take a swig of my beer as I stand up and head to the back door. She's always had issues with that lock but I imagine they chose being discreet over ease so to not get themselves arrested. I open the door at the perfect moment causing Spencer to fall into the house landing face first onto the floor, though not hard enough to actually hurt her.
"In your sleep, Spencer..." I say looking down at her nonchalantly as I take another drink. The scene causes the other two girls to giggle erratically as Spencer pulls herself to her feet. "You do know I have a functioning doorbell right?"
"That..." Spencer states, as she stands up and straightens the collar of her shirt, "would be nowhere near as fun." She gives me a trademark, mischievous Hastings smile and I can't help but laugh as the other girls come inside.
"But, seriously, Paige... We're worried about you," Aria speaks up.
"We saw that Alex's car isn't here anymore even though it was when we left for the rehearsal," Hanna pipes in as she helps herself to a beer in my fridge. I drop my head as I think of the several hours previous to this moment.
"We broke up," I state, not wanting to delay the fact any longer. The girls' faces get serious and I can tell they are going to start asking questions and pitying me, which is the last thing I want right now. "It's ok, guys," I tell them, receiving a slightly tilted head and eyebrow raise from Spencer. "No really, she just isn't the one for me right now. I'm not ready to give my heart to someone else yet."
"Well, as long as you're ok, I'm ok," Spencer says as her face returns to normal. "But if you ever need me to kill someone, you just let me know." The comment and the companion out cry of "SPENCER!" from the other girls once again make me laugh. The girls offer to stay the night and keep me company but I politely decline. I'm going to need some nice quite time to myself if I'm going to get through tomorrow.
I wake up on February 5th, 2015 knowing that today is going to be one of the most painful days of my life even though I've been beaten senseless several times in the last four and a half years. Today is the day Emily marries someone else. Part of me doesn't even want to get out of bed but I know I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least try for Emily. I wake up late, around one in the afternoon which turns out to be good seeing as that means I have less time to brood. I make sure I eat something before jumping in the shower and getting ready. I decide to wear black dress pants and a vest so I look good but not like I'm going to a business meeting instead of a wedding. I let my hair stay straight and fall around my shoulders mostly except for a small braid on one side that starts from my bangs and follows my hair back and to the side.
"Well McCullers..." I say to my pained reflection, "I guess it's time face the music." The drive to the border to cross into New Jersey, where the marriage will be legal, only takes about an hour and a half giving me more than enough time to dread every mile. Thankfully, because I woke up later than I had planned there's only about forty minutes until the ceremony so I won't have to wait long but it takes me all of about two seconds to decide I need to see her and go looking for her dressing room. I turn the corner and start walking down a hallway as I see the other girls and Emily's parents leave. That must be hers. I take a deep breath and urge my legs to move forward towards her door.
I'm really not positive as to whether or not my heart will come out of this room without the pieces of my heart breaking into even more ever tinier pieces but I need to talk to her before she's someone else's forever. She needs to know I love her, that I always will and I'll always be here for her. I find the door is slightly ajar, so I knock as I peak my head around the corner.
"Can I come in?"
"Paige," she half-whispers turning around to face me. She's absolutely beautiful. Her white dress accents her body better than I remember from the shop and gives off just the right amount of 'sexy' while still being beyond elegant. She looks like a movie star. I can hear my heart shattering again at the knowledge that I won't be the one she's walking towards dressed like that. So much for coming out of this with any resemblance of a heart...
"Please," she tells me with a gesture to come in, answering my question. Stepping into the room, I close the door behind me and slowly begin to walk towards her, our eyes locked together.
"You look amazing, Emily." She smiles at the comment but her eyes look sad, which I chalk up to nerves. I take her hands and pull her into a hug in order to calm her. "There's no need to be nervous, Em. That girl really loves you," I say trying to help her, to calm her, even though my heart screams at me to stop. I want to tell her to run, to come with me and never look back but I can't. All I've ever wanted is for her to be happy and if that's not with me, then... Well you know the saying. She doesn't say anything to my comment but hangs her head instead so I lift her chin gently to have her look into my eyes.
"She makes you happy yes? And you love her?" I only receive a nod in response. I can tell that if she were to speak she might break down so I know I need to leave before I cause her to. "Then that's all I need to know." I give her a lingering kiss on the forehead, trying to convey all of my emotions and support for her into one kiss. When I pull back, I look into her eyes for a moment.
"Does she make you happy too? Alex...does Alex make you happy?" She asks before I can break our eye contact. I breathe out heavily and look down at the ground, squaring my shoulders. I didn't want her to know. I didn't want to complicate things again but I can't lie to her.
"We broke up last night," I admit, looking back up at her. I see her face get sad again in response to my comments so I continue, "Hey, don't be sad, it's ok, she just wasn't the one for me." This time, she nods and gives me a small smile. "There's that smile," I add with a small grin of my own that grows into a full blown smile when her face lights up. I could stand here and stare into her eyes for hours and never be bored, but I know I need to take my leave.
"I should go," I say as I give her one last kiss to her cheek before turning to walk out. When I reach the door, I turn around to look at her again, causing her to look up at me.
"You were wrong, you know..." I say looking into her eyes. I don't want to ruin her big day but she needs to know. I can't let her go without her knowing. She looks at me imploringly; asking me to explain. "At the Halloween party, when you said no one was good enough for me... You were wrong." I shallow hard because I'm nearly choking on my own breathe as my eyes are beginning to grow wet for the hundredth time today. "You are... Emily, you're perfect. I only hope Stephanie truly knows how lucky she is." My words are starting to crack as my voice gets weak. I need to get out of here and fast. I give her a weak smile before saying one last thing, "Just promise me you'll be happy ok?"
"Ok," she says softly. "I promise." I think her eyes are starting to tear as well but I can't be positive. I dip my head before turning to walk out the door. Stepping into the hallway, I close the door behind me and lean my back against it so I can regain enough of my fragile composure to walk in there and watch the love of my life get married to someone else.