Author's Note: In case anyone is lost in the timeline, this chapter is set in May-June 2017, after Louise's birthday (April 28) but before VidCon (June 21-24), obviously beginning immediately after Dan's video in Chapter 12.

Warning: Slight sexual content in this chapter, insofar as there is non-explicit reference to masturbation.

Chapter 13: Looking for Happiness

That took guts. I'm proud of you, bear.

Phil sent the text immediately after watching Dan's most recent video. He couldn't believe that Dan had actually told the world that he was bisexual. He'd never even said as much to Phil … not directly, at least. Phil didn't even know if Dan had dated anyone during the time they'd been living together, though Dan had never mentioned anyone and Phil was fairly certain that he'd never brought anyone home.

Unless it was when Phil was away. He did go to Florida with his family every year, and he went home to visit occasionally. Had Dan brought women … or men … back to the flat when Phil wasn't there to cramp his style? The thought turned Phil's stomach, even though he knew he had no right to feel jealous. Dan hadn't shown that kind of interest in him since the early days. And, even then, Dan had been the first one to put the brakes on. They were just friends. Or had been, anyway. What they were now was ill-defined.

Phil remembered the unexpected warmth of Dan's hug at Louise's birthday dinner and his heart ached.

The fact that Dan had now come out as officially bisexual made Phil feel uncomfortable. In Phil's mind, it was like he'd also announced that the only reason he hadn't been dating Phil was because … he wasn't attracted to Phil like that. It wasn't about only wanting women—it was about not wanting Phil.

The fans wouldn't read it that way, of course. They would take it as proof that "Phan" was, or at least had been, real. Would Phil start getting more pitying tweets now, commiserating with him about getting "dumped" by Dan? It was all a little too close to the truth of how he felt, so he hoped the fans would just leave him out of it.

Fat chance.

Dan had been gutsy enough to upload the "Very Special Internet Support Group" video the day before his live show on YouNow, which meant he was going to get a lot of very invasive questions. Phil couldn't resist watching. He never could. He knew Dan could see that he was online in the chat, and it made him feel a little awkward, but Dan had been watching Phil's live shows lately, too, so in a way it also felt almost homey. Like they were spending an evening at home together … with thousands of fans.

Sure enough, the sex-related questions were scrolling through the chat like gunfire almost from the first moment Dan came onscreen. He dodged them for a while, talking about sexual orientation issues in general and society's obligations to respect people's preferences, trying to keep the discourse a little more high-brow, but finally he just laughed and bowed to the wish of the masses.

"Okay, okay," Dan chuckled. Phil chuckled, too, because Dan's laugh was infectious. Just seeing those deep dimples and the mirth on Dan's face was enough to make Phil happy. "Here's a question from in the box, obviously referring to my video from yesterday. It's from howellsbaby, who asks, "Have you been with both guys and girls?" Phil raised his eyebrows, wondering at Dan's willingness to even acknowledge such a personal question.

Dan looked away from the screen for a moment, his face a bit pensive, then turned back to face his viewers with a smaller, secretive smile on his lips. "Usually I wouldn't answer a question like this, since I do believe I still have a right to some privacy, but just this once … yes. Yes, I do have experience with both men and women." Dan's smile was so sly now, it made Phil wonder … Dan knew he was watching … was he referring to them?

Had Dan been with other guys, or was this mysterious "experience with men" a reference to that one night, the first day they'd met, when Dan had stayed the night at Phil's house? Was he referring to the kissing and grinding they'd done, both worked up after weeks of Skype chats and flirtatious tweets? It hadn't been anything serious—they hadn't taken any clothes off or anything—but teenaged Dan had come in his pants, so it must have been at least somewhat memorable for him.

Dan had seemed terribly embarrassed in the morning and had pretended that the whole thing hadn't happened. He'd continued to flirt, but never indicated any interest in even kissing again after that, let alone anything more. Phil had been a bit confused, but also a bit relieved. Dan was a lot younger than himself, and a relationship between the two of them would be a bit unbalanced as a result. He was almost like a mentor to Dan. It was smarter to just be friends … though the flirting was still fun.

Even the flirting abated over the years, and Phil had begun to wonder if Dan even remembered that one heated night of open-mouthed kisses and grasping hands. The secret little smile Phil saw on Dan's face in the live show made him wonder … was that about him … or about someone else? He wanted to think it was about him.

After the live show had ended, Phil found himself worked up by old memories and had a guilty wank, thinking about that night with Dan in his dark bedroom at home, when they'd only just met and emotions were running so high. Dan's eyes had been large and innocent, his lips eager and wet, his fingertips digging into Phil's shoulder blades, his hips moving against Phil's in desperation. The memory was still vivid even after all these years. Phil's orgasm was intense, but afterward he only felt empty. Dan was gone. It was time for him to move on.

The next day, he called the guy who'd slipped him his number at Starbucks the previous week. He didn't know why he even still had the slip of paper in his coat pocket, but he did, and he decided it was time to try getting back out there.

The date was a disaster. Firstly, Phil was paranoid about going anywhere public, lest a fan see them, so he just invited the guy—Steven, his name was Steven—over to watch a movie. But Steven had taken the invitation to Phil's home as an indication that Phil was expecting sex, and he made his first move before the opening credits of the film had even finished. His hand was on Phil's thigh, and then his lips were on Phil's neck, and it was just more than Phil was ready for. He'd just wanted to watch a movie … have some human companionship … hang out with someone he found attractive, and who found him attractive too … maybe some kissing when the movie was over. Like an average evening with Dan … but with some bonus features.

Phil pulled away from Steven's groping with an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. I'm just not … Can we just watch the movie?" Steven frowned, but took his hand off Phil's leg and sat back in his own spot on the couch, close enough that their thighs still touched. He looked confused.

"But when you invited me over …"

Phil rushed to explain, "I'm sort of … some people know who I am, and they might post pictures on the Internet, so I thought this would be safer, just staying in and watching a movie. And we could talk, and I could make popcorn, and…" God, he was really describing an evening with Dan. What was he doing with this guy when he was obviously hung up on someone else?

Steven nodded slowly. "So you don't want …"

Phil blushed. "I'd really like to watch the movie with you, if you want. I do like you and was looking forward to hanging out."

"So … like Netflix and chill … except literally?"

Phil laughed uncomfortably. He hadn't even known that the phrase meant something else until Dan had explained it to him. Yet another thing that reminded him of Dan. This was not going well. "Yeah. I mean, do you want to watch the movie with me?"

Steven had put his hands awkwardly into his lap and shrugged. "Okay. Why not?"

So they'd sat beside each other and watched the film in a weird silence, not commenting on the action the way he and Dan would have done, and their legs were touching, but Steven didn't slouch down to rest his head on Phil's shoulder like Dan usually did. Dan wasn't very comfortable with hugs, but he was a very physically affectionate person … just … only with a select few people and only in subtle ways. He would tickle Phil, or poke him, or mock-punch him, or put a hand on his shoulder, or lean against him while they watched tv. Nothing overt, nothing they had to talk about or acknowledge in the light of day. Just … little intimacies that Phil missed.

And he was sitting beside another guy right now, a hot guy whose hand had been moving toward his dick a few moments ago, and he was thinking about Dan. How fucked up was this?

They finished watching the movie, though Phil wasn't paying much attention to it, and Steven left without even seeming open to Phil making any attempt at a kiss goodnight. He doubted he'd be seeing Steven again.

Well. Damn.

He kept hearing things about Dan through their grapevine of mutual friends and through random tweets by people he didn't even know. Apparently Dan had been doing some work with The Trevor Project's UK people … apparently he was being considered for a small role in Ken Loach's new indie film, which was exciting, since Dan had always liked acting … and Phil kept wondering if he should be doing more with his own life and career. He was 30 years old now, and—aside from the fairly silly solo radio show he'd developed—he was mostly just making silly videos on the Internet. And he didn't even feel all that silly these days. But he didn't want to let his subscribers down.

So every time he made a video, he put on a big smile and told a goofy story and made himself look like a dork to make other people's lives a little happier, but he wasn't feeling very happy himself. He did a lot of collabs, because it was easier to be cheerful and funny with another person there. So he'd collaborated with Louise, PJ, Felix, Zoe, Caspar, and even Adam, who had moved to London some time ago but who he hadn't seen in years except at conventions.

And he found himself leaning into the hugs these old friends gave him when they met and when they parted, missing the casual physical intimacy that had been part of living with Dan. He missed just … touching someone.

So he decided to call Steven again, and apologized for the weirdness of their first date, and suggested that they go out for coffee. They laughed about how they'd first met at Starbucks and that coffee would be a fitting date, and Phil felt like his intentions were clearer this time, and he found himself looking forward to it. Steven seemed willing to give him another chance.

The date went better than the first had, as they both had similar expectations and were more relaxed. They chatted for more than an hour. No PDAs, as Phil had warned Steven about possible fan sightings, but just a nice night out with an attractive man who smiled at him and listened attentively to even the most inane things Phil had to say.

Steven walked him back to his flat, but they didn't hold hands or anything else obvious or overt. When they were inside the building and at Phil's door, they kissed goodnight, and it was perfectly fine. No explosive fireworks, but nice. Maybe the start of something. Phil felt a glimmer of hope.

As Steven's footsteps retreated down the stairwell, Phil felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He'd put it on silent so it wouldn't rudely interrupt his date. He let himself into the flat and took out his phone, only to find a notification that led to a photo of him on Twitter … looking very cozy with Steven. Someone had seen them, and in the photo they were smiling at each other in a way that clearly implied they were on a date, and the fans were already speculating up a storm. Phil sighed and locked the door behind him, then put his phone on the side table where he could ignore it for a while, his good mood evaporating.

He couldn't have Dan, not even as just a flatmate anymore … but anyone not involved in the YouTube world would find this sort of thing pretty off-putting. People were going to be trying to identify Steven, then stalking him online if they were able to figure out who he was. Comparing him to Dan. Speculating. It was going to be ridiculous. He should phone Steven and warn him, but it all just seemed so overwhelming and annoying.

He missed those evenings just slouching on the sofa with Dan's head on his shoulder, letting the fans spin their tales without really worrying about it. Life had been so much simpler then. He wished he could get back to that now, but he knew that he couldn't.

He wondered what Dan would think when he saw the photo. Maybe nothing. Maybe Dan was quietly dating someone now. Maybe that's what the secretive smile had been about during the live show. Phil's stomach clenched at the thought, but he shook his head at himself. He wanted Dan to be happy, of course he did.

Just … wasn't there some way he could be happy, too?

Author's End Note: Yes, another broody chapter from Phil's POV. Next chapter will be Dan's POV and not a video, so we'll get a better glimpse into what's going on with him. And then there will be … VidCon! Where our boys will not be able to avoid seeing each other again!