Author's Note: I'm fond of Tyler Oakley and have listened to quite a few of his podcasts & watched quite a few of his videos, so I hope I do him justice in this chapter.

Chapter 14
Making Sense

Dan couldn't have avoided seeing the picture on social media even if he wanted to … and to be honest he didn't even really want to, because he felt a sort of morbid curiosity.

So … Phil was dating someone. Now that Dan was out of the way, Phil could bring someone home whenever he wanted and not have to worry about Dan hearing them.

Was Phil loud when he came? Dan couldn't stop wondering.

The one night that they'd messed around, Phil hadn't had an orgasm, even though Dan had come humiliatingly quickly once they got to rubbing against each other. So Dan had never heard Phil come. Not even through the walls of their bedrooms, or when he was in the shower, or any of the other times that he now found himself fantasizing about. There were so many times when Phil must have had orgasms while Dan was in the same flat, only a room or two away, but he'd never known, never heard.

Maybe he would have gotten a chance, back in 2009, but he'd been so mortified at his own hasty orgasm and Phil's comparative calmness in the face of their apparently not-very-exciting fumblings that he'd decided in his embarrassment that pretending that none of it had ever happened had been the least humiliating course of action. But maybe if he'd pushed, if he'd given it another try the next day … maybe he wouldn't have gone off like a rocket all on his own again, and maybe he'd have gotten Phil off too. Maybe he would have gotten to see what face Phil made when he came, hear what noises he made. If only he hadn't been such a coward.

But now somebody else was apparently hearing what Dan never had.

Well … good for Phil! Right?

Dan knew he wasn't the best relationship material, anyway, so Phil never would have been happy with him in that way. Dan was just too sarcastic, too cynical to be able to love someone like Phil the way he deserved to be loved: fully and unreservedly. Dan was too selfish and proud, too self-conscious, too quick to pretend indifference when he was embarrassed, just like he had back in 2009. He hadn't changed much, not in the important ways. Phil definitely deserved better.

But it hurt every time he saw that photo popping up on his Twitter, since every damn person just kept tagging him when they retweeted it, as if he hadn't seen it already, as if he wanted to keep seeing it over and over again. Sure, he was curious, but … he also sort of didn't want to know, at the same time.

But, in the photo, Phil was smiling … and he looked so happy.

How could Dan begrudge him that? So … if Dan's leaving had opened the door for Phil finding love, then Dan was going to be happy for him … even if all the fake smiling killed him in the process.

When he started gearing up for VidCon, signing up to be on various panels and such, he got a text from Cat asking if he'd like to come to L.A. a bit early to stay with her for his birthday, since it was less than two weeks before the con started. What with the tour and all, he and Phil hadn't gotten to spend much time with Cat for the past couple years, and he missed her terribly, so he jumped at the chance.

He'd been trying, just generally, to connect better with friends, Louise and Chris and PJ especially. He'd realized that he really needed people in his life, that he couldn't just hide in the house every day and actually be emotionally healthy … not when it was just him, not when he didn't have Phil always there to help keep him from going off the existential rails.

He'd gradually realized, through a lot of effort and a lot of long talks with Louise, that there was no shame in needing other people in his life, though he still felt that he'd been putting an unfair amount of responsibility on Phil's shoulders in that regard. And his relationships with his friends were different now, now that he was having to interact with everyone without Phil as a buffer to make everything easier for him. The friendships now were deeper and he felt like he was really letting people get to know him, not always hiding behind Phil because Phil was so good at being friends with people and Dan was so awkward.

Dan had never spent time alone with Cat—it had always been the three of them—but she said she was looking forward to getting to talk to him about some of the things he'd been saying in his videos and that she'd always wished they could be better friends. Tyler had been texting him to much the same effect. He'd never gotten to know Tyler as well as he knew Cat, but now that they were both working with The Trevor Project and Dan was out, Tyler was clearly trying to be as supportive as possible. And Dan was trying not to shy away from overtures of friendship like he had so often in the past.

So, in the end, he made arrangements to stay with Cat for a week, including Disneyland for his birthday, then stay with Tyler for a few days, and then back with Cat during the actual convention.

He hoped nobody would get the wrong impression about him staying with Cat—or with Tyler, for that matter, now that everyone knew he was bi—but he wasn't going to let it stop him from hanging out with friends when he needed them most. He wasn't going to hide out at a hotel all by himself when there were cool people inviting him to spend time with them.

He was getting better at this whole "having friends" thing.

While slobbing around with Cat in their pyjamas for a week had been great—and their Disneyland trip on his birthday had been definitely worth it, even if Cat had made him self-conscious by vlogging the whole thing to put up on her side channel—it was really the week he stayed with Tyler that had the most impact on Dan.

Because apparently Tyler had been saving up a few bones he had to pick with Dan, and he wanted to sit the boy down and have a serious talk or two.

The first night Dan stayed with him, Tyler invited a few other friends over, and they all played Cards Against Humanity, which they had both enjoyed when they played it for a collab video the previous year. The dark humor of the game really appealed to Dan's sense of the absurd and cynical, but in a way that ended up in uproarious laughter pretty much every turn. Dan found himself having a good time with Tyler's friends, even though he'd never met most of them before. They just seemed like nice people … nice people playing a thoroughly non-nice game, which was a fun juxtaposition. Plus, there was alcohol, which always provided helpful social lubrication.

In the morning, Dan was feeling a little hungover, but not too badly, and Tyler was a thoughtful host, moving around quietly until Dan was ready to be awake, at which point he offered a couple of Tylenol, a glass of water, and a sympathetic smile. Without talking much, he pointed Dan toward the cereal and milk, then went to collapse on his sofa with his phone, thumbs moving quickly as he no doubt tweeted about whatever issue was currently obsessing him.

Dan stumbled around, stuffing his face with Cheerios and squinting in the bright L.A. sunlight, until he felt awake enough to be social and went to join Tyler in the lounge. Or, as Tyler called it, the "living room."

Dan was still wearing his sleepwear of track pants and t-shirt, even though it was now close to noon. Tyler was dressed, but didn't seem in a rush to drag Dan out anywhere, so Dan pulled out his laptop and they just chilled for a while … until Tyler set aside his phone with a determined look on his face.

"Still hungover?" he asked, tilting his head slightly.

"Not too bad. Why?" Dan replied, looking up.

"Because, girlfriend, we've got some things to talk about." He was eyeing Dan disapprovingly, which Dan found confusing. What the hell had he done to piss Tyler off? They hadn't even seen each other in nearly a year!

"Is this about me coming out?" Dan closed his laptop and set it aside.

Tyler shook his head. "Not at all. I mean, we're going to dish about that a lot more later, but I've been waiting months to give you hell about that first video."

Dan frowned in confusion. "'Hello Internet'?"

Tyler laughed out loud, falling back on the sofa with the force of it. "Oh, I could give you hell about that, too, if you like"–Dan scowled—"but I was talking about the one when you said you were 'taking your channel in a more serious direction' … or something like that."

This conversation was making no sense whatsoever. "You disagree with that decision? But you do all kinds of great things with your YouTube success. You don't just sit around making baking videos and call it a career."

Tyler held up a hand and looked legitimately angry for the first time since Dan had known him. "Stop right there, mister. Because you are talking trash about somebody I like a whole lot, and I'm not gonna stand for it."

Dan frowned. "What? Me from last year?"

"No. Phil Lester."

Dan's eyes widened. "I wasn't saying anything bad about Phil!"

"Every time you've denigrated those 'fluffy' videos you used to make, you've been putting Phil down. He likes making those kinds of videos. That's his whole chosen brand. And all you've done is trash it for months. He deserves way better than that from you, especially after everything he did to help you get where you are."

Tears had sprung to Dan's eyes. "I never meant to put Phil down, or his videos. I just wanted to do something different."

"Yeah, well, for somebody who prides himself on being so articulate, you did a crappy job of saying that in a way that showed respect for a person who was your best friend for years. Is he even still your best friend?"

Dan shrugged uncomfortably. "We don't really talk anymore. For right now, anyway. Things were hard when I moved out, and I wanted to try to make it on my own…"

Tyler threw his hands in the air in frustration. "I live on my own, but I'd be lost without my friends!Korey's been my best friend since college, and I don't know what I'd do without him in my life, but that doesn't mean I'm not an independent person! It just means I value what other people can bring to the table, both emotionally and career-wise. You don't have to do everything on your own in order to be a grown-up, you know."

"Yeah," Dan agreed slowly, "I've been figuring that out some with Louise … you know, sprinkleofglitter. We've gotten pretty close the last couple months, and it's nice to have a good friend without feeling like my life revolves around her."

"You felt like your life revolved around Phil?"

Dan nodded reluctantly. "We never did anything separately. We were always together. Not just videos, but everything. I didn't know who I even was without him being there next to me in my life."

Tyler tilted his head again. "Figure it out yet?"

Dan smiled. "I'm definitely getting there."

"Figure out yet that you don't have to be away from Phil in order to do that?"

"What the hell does that mean? Are you saying you think I did the wrong thing, moving out?"

Tyler shrugged dramatically, "That was your decision. I'm not going to say whether it was right or wrong. But now that you've figured out you can be independent and have friends at the same time … why are you still barely talking to him?"

Dan tugged at a loose string on his track bottoms, not looking up. "I don't know."

"Well, now he's off dating hot guys, and pictures are all over Twitter, and you're on your own, and don't you think it's time to start figuring it out?"

Dan looked up abruptly, and he could feel himself blushing. "Phil and I weren't like that. Aren't like that. We're just friends."

Tyler rolled his eyes. "Okay. That's a whole 'nother issue, and we will talk about it, but I want to get back to my point about your video."

"Which is?"

"Did you have fun last night?"

This seemed like a non-sequitur. "Um … yes?" Dan's reply came out sounding like a question, because he had no idea where Tyler was going with this.

"And did you have fun doing our collab video when we played Cards Against Humanity last year?"

"Yeeessss," Dan dragged out, getting annoyed with Tyler's beating around the bush now.

"And do you think The Trevor Project should stop working with me because I played Cards Against Humanity and watched questionable porn with you on YouTube last year?"

"Noooo," Dan dragged out, starting to get where this was probably going.

"Riiiiiiight!" Tyler beamed at him. "Because I don't have to be a stick-in-the-mud in order to get serious shit done. I can make a video about whisks"—they both cringed—"and I can interview Obama or Hillary, and I can get political, and I can work for The Trevor Project, and I can make a podcast about my love for Lady Gaga, and they can all be parts of who I am. I don't have to be only one thing. It isn't healthy to be only one thing. So … why the fuck are you trying to be only one thing, Dan?" Tyler's voice had risen, and Dan leaned away slightly. "You think in order to make serious content you can't do anything silly or funny? Well, I saw you playing that game last night, and you were having fun. You need to find a way to have fun in your life, and not just make it all about everything having to be "meaningful." Fun is meaningful, too. What Phil does is meaningful, too. You don't have to leave that all behind, because when you do, you're leaving part of yourself behind at the same time."

Dan was looking down at his hands in his lap. What Tyler was saying made a lot of sense. And he felt like absolute shit that maybe Phil thought he'd been looking down on him for making lighter content. He'd never even stopped to consider how Phil might feel about any of this, and that made him the shittiest friend ever.

But at least he knew he'd be seeing Phil at VidCon, and if Tyler had convinced him of anything, it was that he and Phil needed to have a serious talk.

"Think about it," Tyler said more quietly, seeing that Dan had gotten the point. "How much have you laughed since you stopped living with Phil?"

Dan looked up with tears still standing in his eyes and smiled a little. It was an excellent question.

Author's End Note: Okay, folks, the angst is going to start letting up now. For those of you who made it this far, I congratulate you on surviving any tears or trauma I've put you through & thank you for hanging in there with me.