Chapter Five

Al-Anon

Rayna circled the block once again in front of the Westminster Presbyterian church. The parking lot behind the red-brick church was full and street parking was jammed as well. She looked into her rear view mirror and swore: A car was pulling out of a space she'd passed half a block back. Damn.

Rayna was not a church-goer but she was familiar with this particular church building. Deacon had been attending AA meetings here on and off – mostly off – for a few years. But this was the first time she'd been here to attend a meeting of her own. She had no idea what to expect.

Al-Anon was "a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems," Rayna had read, when she'd looked up the group on her new computer.

She stopped her car at the traffic light just past the church, glanced back again and saw that the space she'd missed was still open. Go around the block one more time, and if the spot is still there, that means you're meant to go inside. And if it's taken, she thought, maybe she could take that as a reminder that her favorite local boutique opened in half an hour.

Rayna really was unsure what she was doing here this lovely Saturday morning in July. And honestly she would rather have been just about anywhere else. But Jill had urged her to attend an Al-Anon meeting, and Jill felt like her lifeline right now. As much as Rayna had disliked her personally, she was the only person left who hadn't given up on Deacon. The only one who still seemed to think he had a chance to get better.

And getting Deacon better was shaping up to be Rayna's number one priority.

The road ahead of her was still hard to see. She felt like she was groping her way forward through a dense fog. But she had taken some decisive steps since she and Dave had talked earlier in the week. Everything he had said the other morning made sense to her, especially the part about how secrets might seem easy to keep at first, but were likely to backfire later on.

She'd seen the truth of that advice played out plenty of times growing up. From the time she'd been old enough to understand, she'd seen how her father conducted his affairs in secret, saying one thing to a friend or relative's face and doing the opposite later. When his lies caught up with him, he had faced some devastating consequences, though he always seemed to come out of them better off – and more underhanded - than ever.

She had always hated that, and hated the Wyatt family reputation. She had rejected not only their name but their way of life years earlier, when she'd met Deacon and decided to defy her father and follow her dream into a music career. Now, doing this awful thing that Teddy and Tandy wanted her to do, taking the easy way out, would mean going back to her roots and embracing values that she despised.

She didn't know what she was going to do, but she knew she could not go back there. And she knew she couldn't lie to Deacon. She wouldn't lie to Deacon.

From day one, Rayna had had strong opinions about music and her career. More than once, record executives had described her as "headstrong" to her face. She could only imagine what they called her behind her back. But in her personal life, things had been different. Often, she'd been indecisive; dependent on someone else – a man, usually - to make choices for her.

Now, as she started to take control of her life all by herself, it was scary. But she had to admit it also felt good.

Her dinner with Teddy the night before had been emotional, of course. He had taken her to one of her favorite restaurants, but Rayna hadn't been able to eat a thing. They had already discussed the results of the paternity test on the telephone and, as she predicted, Teddy was not surprised to find out that he was not the father of her baby. He was also undaunted, however, in his resolve that the two of them should get married, start a family and leave Deacon none the wiser.

They had just placed their orders when Teddy brought up the idea again, asking if she'd given his proposal any more thought. "I have," she said, picking up her napkin and placing it in her lap. She looked at him calmly and told him the truth. "I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about this pregnancy. I may not go forward with it. But I can tell you one thing I will not do, and that's lie to Deacon. That's not going to happen. So don't ask me again."

But for the next 45 minutes, in between bites of his steak and baked potato, Teddy had asked, again and again. He told her why she was making the wrong move: Deacon was unstable, he couldn't stay sober, she'd be putting a child at risk if she even let a violent man like him be around it. But she had stuck to her guns. "You're not telling me anything I don't know, Teddy. But I won't lie to Deacon." Each time she said it, it felt truer and better.

Eventually, in his frustration, Teddy had trotted out Tandy's favorite argument: She wouldn't be lying to Deacon, he said. Not really. She just wouldn't be telling him everything.

Rayna stopped pushing the food around on her plate, put down her fork and burst out laughing. "Teddy, are you actually listening to yourself? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!"

Her reaction seemed to annoy Teddy, who failed to see the humor in such a serious subject. He actually raised his voice. "You're trusting Deacon again and you're going to get burned again, Rayna. I don't know what it's going to take for you to learn that lesson!"

"I am not trusting Deacon. I know he's got problems. For once, I'm not trusting anybody but myself to know what's right for me, Teddy. Not you or Deacon or Daddy or anyone else! Now, you know what? I think I'm done here. Please take me home."

The words sounded braver than she actually felt, but it felt fantastic to say them. Teddy seemed startled by her new found independence and for a moment, Rayna thought he was going to walk out of the restaurant and leave her to call a cab. His sense of chivalry must have squelched that impulse, however, because he eventually paid the check and drove her home. But he hadn't spoken a word to her in the car and he let her out in front of her building without so much as a good night.

Rayna thought she'd feel enormously guilty afterward, but actually she felt liberated. Lighter than she had in weeks, in fact. And when her phone rang an hour later and her caller ID flashed Tandy's number, Rayna had let her answering machine pick it up.

All that courage seemed to have evaporated this morning, however, and her heart sank a little when she turned the corner and saw the still-empty parking space. She took it as a good sign, however, when she managed to parallel park on the first try, backing her car into place without hitting the curb. She unbuckled her seat belt and placed her keys in her purse.

When she looked up, she realized why parking had been so tight. An AA meeting was letting out and the people who had attended were pouring out of the front doors and down the stone steps of the church. Rayna was a good half-block away, but she spotted Coleman and started to get out of her car, hoping to catch him and get an update on Deacon. She wasn't exactly sure when he was scheduled to finish his program at Riverside.

She opened her car door and then she froze. The church doors had banged open again and Deacon had emerged, following hot on Coleman's heels. The older man stopped, as if Deacon had called to him, and turned around, giving Rayna a clear view of the two of them, seemingly engaged in a heated conversation.

Rayna was surprised to see Deacon. He usually called or came to visit as soon as he got out of rehab, but this time she hadn't heard a thing. She watched, her heart in her throat, not wanting Deacon to see her, but unable to take her eyes off of him. He looked good, very good, as he always did fresh off a trip to rehab. Even from this distance she could tell that he was clear-eyed. His hair was cut short but he had what looked like a couple days' worth of beard growth on his face. He was usually clean-shaven, but she instantly took to the stubble. It was very sexy, she thought. She wondered what it would feel like against her cheek. He'd also lost some weight. That was typical when he stopped drinking, but he hadn't gotten too thin. He looked just right – just the way she liked him, wearing jeans and his short-sleeved black T-shirt.

As she sat there, half-in and half-out of her car, Rayna ached to hold him. She always felt like there was a piece of her missing, a physical void that opened up somewhere under her rib cage, when they were apart. She never felt complete until he was back.

Today, she wanted to run to him and tell him how much she had missed him. But she kept still for several minutes, until eventually Deacon seemed to calm down. Cole put his arm around him and led him across the street. She waited until the two of them got into Coleman's car and drove off before she walked up the street and into the church.

Signs posted just inside the building directed Rayna to the room where the Al-Anon meeting was being held. She found the right room but the door was closed. She hesitated, unsure of whether she should knock or just walk in, given that the meeting would probably have started by now. She wondered if Deacon had just come out of this same room. She was nervous, but she took a few deep breaths, yanked the door open and slipped inside.

The room was narrow and drafty, as rooms in old church buildings tend to be. The tile floor must have been yellow at some point, but it was closer to gray now and the walls were painted off-white and covered with posters, felt art pieces, chalk boards and paintings of biblical characters. Looking around, Rayna was transported briefly back to her early childhood, when her mother had taken her to Baptist Sunday school.

A podium stood behind a blocky, wooden table where about a dozen women were seated. Rayna saw that Jill McClanahan, the director of The Riverside Center, was standing there addressing the group. "We welcome you to the Middle Tennessee Al-Anon Family Group and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy."

Rayna looked warily at her – she had not completely recovered from their last meeting. She started to take a seat in the back of the room, where a line of chairs were set up against the wall.

Immediately, Jill shook her head and motioned Rayna toward the table. One of the women seated there got up and indicated that Rayna should take her seat as she pulled another chair over. Rayna smiled briefly, chastened already, and sat down.

"We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand it as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we have discovered that no situation is really hopeless. It is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic in our lives is still drinking or not."

Jill went on for a few minutes in this vein and Rayna couldn't tell whether she was speaking off-the-cuff or reciting something. She looked at the other women seated around her. They were of all ages and races, some dressed expensively and others on the edge of destitution. The only thing they had in common, she guessed, was a friend or family member with a drinking problem.

This world was alien to Rayna, and since she had spoken to Jill, she'd been wondering why. Clearly, other wives and girlfriends of alcoholics sought help. But during all her years with Deacon, she'd never been forced to examine her own role in his addiction. Just that thought – that she played a role - was something new for Rayna. She had always considered drinking Deacon's problem, not hers. And for his part, he had never sought to draw her into rehab culture. He probably thought he was protecting her, she speculated, that she shouldn't have to bother with his troubles. So she'd always kept herself at arm's length from rehab and meetings and treatment centers. All she had done was write the checks.

Maybe it wasn't going to be enough to write checks anymore, she thought. And then she cringed, thinking that that sounded like something Jill would say. She looked up and saw that, in fact, Jill was looking at her. "I don't always say this at the beginning of the meeting," she announced, looking around the table. "But today I want to remind all of us about our confidentiality rules. Anything anyone says in this room stays right here. Agreed?" The participants all nodded and voiced their approval. Rayna realized that this reminder was given for her sake, and she was grateful to hear it. As she'd gotten more well-known, the media had started to cover her personal life relentlessly, focusing particularly on Deacon's problems. She knew that a story about her attending Al-Anon would be quite a scoop.

Jill took a seat and smiled at the small, silver-haired woman to her right.

"Hi, I'm Janet, and my husband is an alcoholic," the woman began. "Hi, Janet," the group responded. Janet twitched and rubbed her hands together nervously but she continued, telling the group about how she had decided to do something nice for herself the previous week. She had gone to get a manicure and then treated herself to lunch with a girlfriend. The group members applauded when they heard this, as if Janet had won an award or gotten a promotion.

Rayna was surprised that Janet didn't mention her husband's drinking problem. In fact, none of the women touched on the addiction or alcoholism of their partners as each person around the table shared something. If they weren't going to talk about the core issue, Rayna wondered, what was the point of this group anyway?

Finally, it was her turn. She looked over at Jill, who simply nodded at her.

"Hi, I'm Rayna," she said, feeling silly. She realized that most of the women had recognized her when she walked through the door. "And, um, well, this is my first time here, so …" her voice trailed off. But the women applauded anyway and all of them welcomed her, smiling. She looked up and smiled back, relieved, then glanced at the clock, realizing that the hour was nearly up.

Jill stood up again and led the group in reciting aloud the Twelve Steps, which Rayna knew were from AA but had never read all the way through. The woman sitting to her left, Nancy, handed Rayna a printed list so she could say the words along with the group. There were some brief announcements and one member promised to bring snacks to the next meeting. And then it was over.

Rayna stood up and chatted with several of the members as they enjoyed the cookies and sweet tea that had been laid out on a side table set with a jug of colorful sweet pea blossoms. Nancy and Janet both came over to tell her they were glad she was there. None of them mentioned her singing or asked her why she was at the meeting, showing restraint that she admired; surely they were all curious. Before long, the room had emptied out except for Rayna and Jill, who was busy straightening the chairs and cleaning up the snack table.

She threw away the last dirty napkin and looked over at Rayna. "I'm glad you made it," she said.

Rayna swallowed and took a deep breath. "Thanks for asking me to come. I wonder - do you have a few minutes? If there isn't another meeting in here right now, I'd like to talk to you. If you have time."

"Sure. I don't have to start back for Riverside right away," Jill said, sitting down at the table. Rayna pulled out the chair across from her and sat down too, not sure how to start – or even what it was that she wanted to ask.

It turned out that Rayna didn't have to rack her brain. Jill looked her up and down for a moment and then cocked her head, her eyes narrowed. "So, you knocked up?" she asked, as if she were inquiring about whether the tea was too sweet.

"What?" Rayna sat back in her chair.

Jill just raised her eyebrows and looked pointedly at her. "Are you pregnant, is what I'm asking."

"Yeah, I got that, I just …" Rayna said. Then she rolled her eyes and shook her head in disbelief. "How did you know?"

"I used to be a nun, remember? Still got a direct line to the Almighty," Jill said, with a straight face. Now it was Rayna's turn to stare. After a moment, Jill smiled. "After our last conversation, I figured I'd never see hide nor hair of you again. As soon as you walked in that door, I knew you must have a real good reason to be here."

Rayna nodded. "I do."

"You thinking about an abortion?"

Rayna's mouth fell open again. "What the hell? I thought you said you were a nun!"

Jill smiled. "Yeah, I was. Past tense. Are you thinking about it?"

The woman was utterly infuriating. Rayna shook her head again, half-astonished and fully exasperated, but Jill was still looking at her, waiting for an answer. Rayna took a deep breath and unexpected tears sprang to her eyes, much to her annoyance. She would be goddamned if she was going to cry right now. Instead, she looked up at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears from falling.

"I can't," she said. "I just can't." Rayna hadn't realized until just then, as the words came out, that she'd made her decision. She looked back at Jill, who was watching her intently. "I want this. I've wanted it for years. It was just never the right time in my career, or Deacon wasn't ready or – something. I just … I can't pass up this chance."

Jill smiled again and reached for Rayna's hand. "Good girl," she said.

Rayna took the hand that was extended to her. "I thought you didn't care."

"I never said that," Jill responded. "Does Deacon know?"

Rayna shook her head. "No, I … I wasn't really sure until just now that I was going through with it. I haven't even thought about how I'm going to tell him. I'm not really sure how he's going to feel about it."

"And you're afraid that if you do tell him, it'll be such a shock that he'll start drinking again."

Rayna considered this and realized that it was exactly what she was afraid of. She took her hand from Jill's and wiped her cheek, where a stray tear had trickled out despite her best efforts. "What if it's too much for him, this big a change in his life so soon after rehab? Coleman always tells him not to make any big decisions right away."

"And he won't be making any decisions. He won't have to – you've already done that."

"But isn't this the wrong time for him to be faced with all this responsibility?"

Jill looked at Rayna a long time. "Maybe. I don't think anybody's really ready for all the responsibility that comes with having a family. But you know what? How Deacon responds is on Deacon, not on you."

Rayna nodded. "I know – I'm just scared for him," she said.

"Well, stop being scared! Deacon's a big boy. You're going to have a real baby to mother before long; you're going to have to stop coddling him."

Rayna's brow furrowed and she looked away. Was that what she'd been doing? Caring about him too much? But not worrying about him, not being concerned over how he'd feel about being a father – she wasn't sure she could do that.

Jill seemed to sense her struggle. "Rayna, if you keep coming to Al-Anon, you're going to hear a lot about something we call 'detachment with love.' It doesn't mean you can't still love Deacon, but it does mean that you're going to have to stop trying to save him, like you've been doing for – what is it, 10 years?"

"Eleven," Rayna said slowly, trying to understand. Something else came to her mind and she looked back over at Jill. "`Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result,'" she recited. "That's it, isn't it? What you said last time about Einstein and insanity?"

Jill smiled again. "Yes. You'll hear that a lot here, too."

"That's what we've been doing all this time, isn't it? The same thing over and over – and it never works. But what will work? How should I tell him about this baby? What if he-" she took a deep breath, so full of questions that she could hardly get them all out. She knit her hands together in her lap. "Maybe I should be detached, or whatever you call it. But you don't know Deacon when he's drinking. He's violent; he doesn't know what he's doing. I just can't have him around a child if he's like that."

"Well, then make sure he knows that. I think that's actually going to be a relief to him, to hear that from you. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. I'm sure you realize that."

"I do," Rayna said, nodding. "I've always said that. It's like, when he's drinking – he turns into a different person. That's not the real Deacon."

Jill pursed her lips. "Rayna, how much do you know about his childhood – his family of origin?"

Rayna considered, surprised by the question. "Hmm … not a lot, actually. I mean, I know there wasn't much money. They lived in a small town, his father worked in a factory - when he was sober enough to get there. I do know his daddy was an alcoholic. Deacon's always saying that he's just like him."

"Has he told you that there was abuse?"

"Noooo," Rayna said, slowly. "I mean, he's mentioned spankings or maybe his daddy taking his belt to him once in a while. But that was pretty common when we were coming up. Still is, in a lot of places. 'Spare the rod and spoil the child.' We hear that one a lot."

Jill seemed to be considering saying more, but she stopped herself and checked her watch. "I'm sorry, Rayna, I really need to be going," she said, pushing her chair back.

Rayna stopped her, reaching across the table and placing her hand on Jill's. "Thank you," she said. "I appreciate your talking to me like this."

"Happy to," Jill said. "In fact, why don't we meet for a few minutes again next week, after the meeting. If you're planning to come back?"

"Yes," Rayna said. "I don't really understand what we're here for - but yeah. I'll come back."

"Good. And meanwhile, don't forget what I said about detachment with love. You're going to have to love Deacon enough to allow him to learn from his own mistakes. And you're going to have to decide to be responsible for your own welfare – and your child's – without trying to control him in the process."

"Should I tell him? I mean, about the baby?"

Jill smiled. "Well, it'll be obvious pretty soon, won't it? Don't you think he has a right to know about his daughter before everybody can see it for themselves?"

"Yeah, I guess. I just don't want us to get right back into that routine, like you talked about, where he gets lazy."

"Well then, don't. Give him some room for a while. He needs to find a way to make his recovery about him. Not about you – or her. That's going to take time."

Rayna nodded slowly as Jill got up from the table and started putting papers into a leather satchel that she slung over her shoulder. The two of them walked out of the room together and down the hall. Then Rayna stopped abruptly.

"How'd you know? I mean, how did you know that the baby's a girl?"

"Wisdom, my dear," Jill said airly. "And I've got a direct line to heaven, like I told you."

Rayna stared at her, open-mouthed, until Jill laughed and started walking. She got about five feet away before she looked back over her shoulder at Rayna. "Oh come on! I had a 50-50 shot - I took it."