They stayed like that for a few minutes, even though Lovino had stopped crying and promptly fell asleep shortly after Antonio had started to hug him. The small space between their bodies was unbearably hot, and yet a chill was spreading through him, like a block of ice was dissolving in his stomach and diffusing into his blood.
Lovino had been in love with him this whole time, and he haven't even noticed once? Inwardly Antonio cursed himself. How could he be so stupid? Lovino had loved him- him- and Antonio had thrown that love away, and now there was no chance of ever getting it back again.
No. Antonio shook his head, rearranging his thoughts. Lovino had come to his apartment of his own accord, at a time when he must have been very tired after work, no less, for the sole purpose of telling Antonio that he missed him. That must mean something, no matter how much Lovino insisted it didn't. And he had said, hadn't he, that he couldn't stop thinking about Antonio? That he couldn't resist him? Lovino may have been flat-out drunk and vaguely incoherent, but his words seemed to hold truth in them.
Perhaps, Antonio thought to himself, there was some part of Lovino that was still in love with him. And if that was true, then maybe it wasn't totally impossible for Lovino to fall in love with him again.
As Lovino snored, slumped over Antonio's naked body, Antonio began to grin despite the drool leaking onto his shoulder. He still had a chance. A tiny, miniscule, almost zero chance, but a chance nonetheless. And he would do everything in his power to nurture that chance, to make Lovino fall in love with him again.
Antonio tucked Lovino into his bed, making sure to place him on his side so he didn't drown in his vomit. He had had a bit of a crisis in deciding whether to remove his soaked clothes or not, and finally settled on peeling off his shirt and pants, leaving on his underwear and hanging the sodden clothing from the shower bar to dry. Beside him he placed a glass of water, a bottle of aspirin, and a note upon which he scribbled the name and location of the elementary school he worked at and his cellphone number. Hoping Lovino wouldn't be too mad when he woke up, Antonio cast one last glance at his sleeping form before heading out the door for work.
It was half past eleven when Antonio received a call from an unknown number. He was on his lunch break, sitting in the teacher's lounge with some coworkers, and answered it hesitantly. Unluckily, he forgot that his phone was still set on speakerphone mode, and as soon as he pressed the green answer button, Lovino's loud, angry, heavily-accented voice filtered out and filled the room.
"Did we fuck?!" demanded Lovino loudly, shocking the lounge into stunned silence. A pitiful whimper was all Antonio could manage in response, sensing the eyes of his coworkers on him.
"You bastard, did we fuck?" continued Lovino, unaware that half the staff of the local elementary school was listening. "I woke up in your bed in just my underwear, my clothes are hanging in your shower, and the only thing I remember from last night is your giant fucking cock! I mean, seriously, what the hell- I knew you were tall but-"
"Lovi, darling, can we please talk about this later?" whispered Antonio, a cold sweat running down the back of his neck.
"Don't fucking 'darling' me, you assmonkey! Tell me what the fuck happened last night or- or-"
"Okay, okay, I got it! I'm going to call you back, okay?" hissed Antonio into the microphone, Lovino's protests blaring in his ear, and promptly ended the call.
Slowly, he forced himself to turn around to face his coworkers, and with a forced, twitching, smile, apologized and excused himself from the room.
As soon as he was out of earshot of his coworkers, Antonio redialed Lovino, making sure to turn off speakerphone as he did so.
"Sorry about that," he apologized. "But I can talk now, at least for," he glanced at his watch, "the next ten minutes."
"You better," threatened Lovino.
"You showed up at my door, really drunk, with flowers, and told me you missed me," explained Antonio. "There was no sex involved."
"Then why the fuck can't I get the image of your massive dong out of my head- it's taunting me- fucking hell, you could stab someone with that monster!"
"Please stop talking about my dick," pleaded Antonio, his face burning with embarrassment. "It's not even that big! And we didn't have sex, I promise! You came when I had just gotten out of the shower, and I was in a towel, and then I sort of… dropped the towel, and now you won't shut up about my dick!"
"So we didn't have sex."
"No," affirmed Antonio, hearing a sigh of relief from Lovino. "But you did confess your undying love for me," he smirked.
"I did not."
"You did, you did!" insisted Antonio. "I mean, in a drunken, very angry and profane sort of way, and then you randomly started to cry and then passed out on top of me, but you totally were all like-" he raised his voice to a higher pitch and put on a fake Italian accent- "'Oh, Antonio, I can't stop thinking about you! I was in love with you all those years ago, and now, I can't resist you! Please, take me and make me yours, I love you!'" He reverted back to his normal voice. "Like that," he said, internally laughing at what he imagined Lovino's expression was like right now.
There was a pause.
"You're shitting me," said Lovino, trying to sound firm, but Antonio detected a little quiver in his voice. Antonio chose not to answer.
"You're- you're not shitting me," whispered Lovino, realization dawning in his voice.
"I'm not shitting you," affirmed Antonio. "Well," he admitted, "except for that last bit. I made that up. But you did say that you used to be in love with me. It was really kind of cute, until you started swearing at me and then passed out."
Antonio waited for a response but there was none.
"Hello?" he asked. "You there?"
"Dio mio," Antonio heard Lovino moan. "Why did it turn out like that? Even having sex would have been better than this!"
"I mean, if you want to, I'm definitely not opposed to the idea," proffered Antonio, grinning to himself.
"No!" Antonio winced as Lovino yelled through the receiver. "Godammit, can't you ever take anything seriously? This is really fucking embarrassing for me, and you're turning it into a joke!"
"Embarrassing? All you did was admit that, several years ago, you used to be in love with me. Hell, I should be the embarrassed one- you know that I'm still in love with you, and you've seen my dick and won't shut up about it! It's honestly not a big deal, Lovi, and I don't think any less of you. Truthfully, I'm quite flattered."
"That's not it! The fact that I was in love with- with you," Lovino shuddered, "is what's embarrassing! And now that you know, you're not going to shut up about it. That's what's embarrassing."
Antonio paused, thinking. "Well," he said, ignoring Lovino's jab at how the fact that it was Antonio that he had fallen in love with was embarrassing, "I promise I won't bring it up or tease you about it if you stop talking about my dick. Deal?"
"Deal," agreed Lovino, sounding relieved. "But you're not totally off the hook. I'm still mad at you."
"Huh? What'd I do now?"
There was a pause. "I don't know," admitted Lovino. "I'm generally mad at you anyways. I'll figure it out later."
"Well, keep me posted," laughed Antonio.
"I'll tell you when I see you tonight," promised Lovino, and Antonio couldn't stop grinning upon hearing that.
When I see you tonight. It was a simple statement that didn't seem to carry any connotation, but in actuality it was a promise, an affirmation. Everything was okay between them. They were back to normal. The week-long period of nail-biting angst where neither of them knew where their future lay was finally over. And, more importantly, it meant that Antonio still had a chance.
"I can't wait," said Antonio, and he really meant it. "See you then."
"See you," agreed Lovino, and made to hang up, but just as his thumb hovered over the button, Antonio called out,
"Wait!" and Lovino paused.
"I love you," said Antonio.
Antonio held the phone to his ear, holding his breath. It felt like an eternity before Lovino said, in emotionless monotone,
"Ew," and hung up.
Lovino sat, cross-legged, on the dirty floor of Antonio's apartment, clutching his cell phone. He was cold in just his boxers, but there was a stifling warmth in his chest, spreading through his entire body. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Inside the warmth, there was pain, a tightness, as if invisible chains were tightening around his heart, binding him.
I love you.
When was the last time he had heard those words? Had he ever? He couldn't remember. Surely his mother had once, or his grandfather, but as much as he tried desperately to recall even one instance, he came up empty-handed.
It couldn't be. It couldn't be that he was an adult, already twenty-three, and had only just now been told for the first time in his life that he was loved. It couldn't be that the first time someone had told him that they loved him was half in jest, an afterthought. It couldn't be.
"You look awful," remarked Antonio as Lovino shuffled out of the E-Z Mart and lit up a cigarette under the watchful yellow lightbulb hanging from the awning of the store.
"Thanks," replied Lovino sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Antonio hadn't been lying, though- his eyes were rimmed with red, dark bags hanging under them. He still smelled faintly of alcohol.
"I left you some aspirin, did it help? How are you feeling?"
"Like I'm being skullfucked by Satan's barbed penis. But thanks for asking." Lovino drew heavily on his cigarette. His eyes closed in satisfaction, small clouds of smoke blowing out his nostrils as he exhaled.
"You really should quit," said Antonio, as he always did. Lovino didn't answer, just blew smoke and stared vacantly at the cloud that formed.
Antonio sighed, and held out a paper bag. "I made you a sandwich," he said. "Cheese and tomato."
"You didn't have to," said Lovino, but took the bag anyway.
"I know, but I like cooking for you. Besides," grinned Antonio, "you can pay me back sometime and make me pizza or churros again."
Lovino stared at him, expressionless, for a moment, before dropping his gaze and chuckling softly. He finished his cigarette and dropped it, grinding it with the heel of his shoe. "Let's go," he said.
"The park?" asked Antonio.
"You fucking know it."
"You didn't tell me you worked at a school," said Lovino, sitting down on their usual bench and unwrapping the sandwich.
"You never asked."
Lovino stared at the ground. "Sorry," he said, feeling guilty. It had only just occurred to him that he had never asked Antonio about what had transpired in the years they were apart, instead always using their time to berate and insult him.
"What, uh… what happened to wanting to be a therapist?" he asked, cheeks slightly pink. He still couldn't seem to look straight at Antonio without remembering their conversation on the phone that morning.
"Well.." Antonio chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his neck. It was something he always did when he was nervous, Lovino remembered, and he wondered what Antonio was feeling nervous about. Could it be that even he felt awkward about the previous night despite having acted nonchalant on the phone?
"After, you know, that whole fiasco with Italy, and trying to be, like, a mediator between you and your grandad, which I totally failed at, I kinda realized that maybe I wasn't exactly cut out to be trying to help other people with their problems, when I can't even effectively deal with my own. I got really depressed, and started drinking, and skipping classes. You know. Eventually I failed two of my most important classes, and barely passed my other ones. I moved back in with my mom- I know, it's pathetic, but I was already in so much debt I couldn't afford the dorms anymore. My mom's kind of a religious lady, and when our church needed teachers for sunday school, she volunteered me. At first I was pissed, because I just wanted to lay in bed and be an emo shit," Antonio laughed, staring at his hands in his lap.
"But it was pretty fun, and the kids were cute, and even though most of it was bullshit, it helped me get back to normal. I went back to school, switched majors to education, and…" Antonio stretched, yawning. "Here I am. Working at an elementary school. I teach Spanish and music, and I also tutor special ed kids after school."
"That… sounds nice," commented Lovino, not entirely sure what to say.
"It's fun. Of course, it also sucks sometimes. The pay is shit, and I'm still $40,000 in debt from college. Plus little kids can be very puke-y. But overall, I love my job." Antonio turned to Lovino.
"What about you?" he asked. "What happened with you while I was gone?"
"Uh..." stammered Lovino, put on the spot. Suddenly his mind seemed to blank on the previous years, and under Antonio's gaze he could feel himself becoming more and more nervous, and he struggled to even speak.
"N- Not much, I guess," he muttered, tearing his eyes away and staring at his half-eaten sandwich. For some reason his heart was beating faster than usual, and all that filled his head was Antonio's voice, slightly atonic from the phone interference, saying I love you over and over again.
"Sorry," apologized Antonio, and placed a hand on Lovino's shoulder, startling him. "I put you on the spot. You can tell me another time." He winked, and Lovino's heart skipped a beat.
"Thanks," he said. It was cold outside, but his face was burning hot. He was just glad it was getting dark so that Antonio couldn't see how red he was. "Thanks also for the sandwich. It's good."
"Are you feeling okay?" asked Antonio.
"Huh?" Lovino looked up, confused. Antonio placed a hand on his forehead.
"You're unusually nice tonight," explained Antonio. "You don't seem to be running a temperature, though."
"Of course not!" spat Lovino, smacking his hand away. "What the hell are you saying? I'm always nice, you bastard!"
To his anger, Antonio merely laughed. "There you are," he said. "There's my Lovino."
"The fuck? I'm not 'your Lovino,' you ass!"
"Not yet," teased Antonio. "But soon."
Lovino scoffed. "In your dreams."
"And hopefully in reality as well, soon."
Lovino grimaced. "Ew. You're gross."
"Says the guy who slept in a dumpster."
"It wasn't in a dumpster, it was next to a dumpster. There's a difference. And it wasn't as if I had a choice." Lovino crossed his arms angrily.
"True," admitted Antonio, sobering up. "I'm sorry."
Lovino harrumphed, finishing his sandwich. He tossed the bag in the garbage and stood up, stretching. "I have to be getting to McDick's soon," he said.
"I'll walk with you," offered Antonio, getting up as well.
Antonio couldn't see Lovino's face, but he imagined a soft smile gracing his lips as he said, illuminated by the rising moonlight, "I'd like that."
Antonio tied Lovino's apron in the parking lot, as usual. Despite Lovino's previous affirmation that he was fine, Antonio couldn't help but notice he seemed a lot quieter than usual, and when he did speak, it was stiffly, as if forced.
"Did I do something wrong?" mused Antonio, mainly to himself as he tied the final knot on Lovino's apron.
Lovino turned his head to look at him. "No," he said, though he seemed unsure himself. "Why?"
"Nothing, it's just…" Antonio wasn't sure how to say it without offending Lovino again. "You really do seem a bit.. different tonight. I know I promised I wouldn't bring it up, but if you're worried, or embarrassed about last night, you don't have to be. It's really oka-"
"It's not that," interjected Lovino suddenly, facing away so Antonio couldn't read his expression.
"Then what?"
"Earlier, on the phone- do you remember what you said?"
Antonio scratched his head. "I said a lot of things."
Lovino groaned irritably. "No, what you said before hanging up."
"Bye?"
"Before that."
"See you later?"
"No, dammit! You- You said 'I love you.'"
"Oh yeah, that's right. And?"
"Did you mean it?"
"Of course I meant it. I've told you before that I love you. It's not really a secret anymore." Antonio chucked abashedly. "Why do you ask?"
"N-No reason." Lovino paused for a moment. Antonio noticed that his hands were clenched into fists, hanging by his sides. "It's just… that was the first time anyone's said that to me."
Antonio's grin faded. He licked his lips nervously, not sure what was the right thing to say, or if there even was a 'right' thing to say to something like that.
"I'm sorry," he decided eventually.
Lovino shook his head. "It's okay," he said, but he sounded doubtful, as if he were trying to convince himself that it was when it wasn't. "You didn't know. It's just-" He fell short.
"Just?"
"No," Lovino shook his head. "It's nothing. Never mind."
"Okay," said Antonio dubiously. He held his arms out limply. "You want a hug before work?" he asked, half jokingly.
He expected Lovino to refuse, curse him out, and maybe throw in a quick punch as usual, but to his surprise, following the conventional eye rolls and disdainful scoff, Lovino granted him a rare half-smile and said, "Sure."
Wrapped in Antonio's muscled arms, Lovino couldn't help but think the words he had almost said just a moment ago, before he had broke off.
Why did it have to be you?
Why are you making it so hard for me to not fall in love with you?
Again, sorry for the hiatus. Thank you all for reading, and for your reviews, it really means a lot to me.
Thank you also for your concern, I'm doing much better now, and am even starting to be able to walk again! I've enrolled in community college, and hopefully will be able to get some sort of job soon. Thanks so so so much for reading my story, it really means a lot when people like what I do.