Before you guys read this update, I just have a few things to say. I want you all to know that I am in no way making light of this disease, or using it to just tell a story. I'm basing a lot of this story on my own fandom relations, along with what I have seen a few fandom friends go through with this disease. We've lost a few fandom members to this, one of them being recently. So, I just want you to know that this fic is really personal. It means even more to me than you know that you all continue to read and trust me to tell this story.

With that said, from here on out, this story is completely dedicated to those we've lost and are dealing with this disease. I love how we've cheered those on and help anyway we can when a fandom peep is ill. This right here is the main reason WHY I am writing this.

My thanks to Kyla713 for looking this over. To Heather, Nikki, Packey and littleapollyon who continue to hold my hands through this.

So, um, yeah...

*.*

Since I was gearing up to take some more time off for when Bella was due to come in June, I was putting in as many hours as I could at the hospital. But each passing day made me feel more and more weary. I didn't get enough chances to talk to Bella, and she never really told me how her doctor's visit went. All she would tell me was that it was okay, to stop worrying, but I couldn't. I was a giant ball of nervousness.

Her updates slowed down as well. I attributed them to the possibility that maybe she was busy packing, gearing up for graduate school and visiting with Charlie. At least that is what I told myself to calm the nerves, but deep down, I didn't believe it.

Turns out, I wasn't the only one to notice her disappearance, either. My twitter mentions were full of fandom friends wanting to know what was going on, and if I'd heard anything. Funny how people know who is close to whom in the fandom. But I had no answers. What could I tell them when I was just as worried as they were? So many wanted to know if I heard from her, when I'd last talked to her, if I knew what was going on. All I could say was: I'm sorry, I'll let you know when I hear something.

The growing anxiety was burning through me with each passing day. Bella used to call me every day to tell me her plans, when her next post was scheduled for, what her ideas were or just to tell me how her day was, ask me about mine. Now those simple phone calls were short, if at all. I wanted to call her, but I also knew that she would tell me in her own time, that if I pushed her now, it would be our undoing. I had to let her come to me.

I got ready for work and as I tied my tie, the unease grew more than it ever had before. I hadn't talked to Bella in days when my phone pinged of a new email. I noticed it was an update, but I put off opening until I got on the L to make my way in to work.

I had a feeling it wouldn't be good news.

But I never thought I'd ever see the day that her words would stop. There I was, on the train into work, a thirty-six year old man on the verge of tears.

I needed her words like the air I needed to breathe.

I read her update again and again, and when I reached her author's note, my throat tightened with emotion.

To my dear kind readers, friends and lurkers:

It pains me to write this to you, especially after all my years in the fandom, but this will be my last story and update... for now. I can't say I won't be back. Never say never, right? But I don't feel good, and just don't have the energy to do this right now.

I can't thank you guys enough for reading, reviewing and talking to me. It's helped me through some bad times. But now? Now, times are darker, harder. I'll be somewhat around. You can find me on my blog, the link is in my profile. I'll try to update as often as I can. I love you guys and this fandom.

Bye.

Bella.

I knew deep down there was more to it, and my heart was nagging at me to find out. I had to.

To:Swan

From:Cullen

Bella,

My heart is saddened by this news. You know how much your stories mean to me as well as how much you mean to me. You've never kept something from me before you told the fandom. Please know that I'm here for you. Please text, email, Skype, ANYTHING.

E.

I sent off the email with a heavy heart full of worry for my friend. It didn't matter that we lived miles away, in different states. She was still a friend, no matter what. My fingers tapped against my phone as I anxiously awaited her reply. I only hoped her next email to me would calm the storm in my heart.

I stepped off the L and began my walk to the hospital, my hand clutched around my phone as my heart pounded inside my chest. I made sure to turn up the volume, so that I wouldn't miss an email notification, call or text. I almost thought of calling my superior and telling them I wouldn't be in that day, but saw no point as I walked into the lobby and up to the surgical floor.

The minute I stepped off the elevator, my phone rang, and I knew - I knew that my heart was going to break.

"H-hello? Bella?"

I could hear the sniffles, and in my mind, I could see the tears falling down her cheeks.

"E-Ed-Edward..." She sniffled again, and my heart was hanging by threads at that point.

"Are you okay?" My voice shook, my hands shook, everything shook as I tried not to fall apart.

"I- I don't even know how to tell you. I don't know what to say, or how to feel."

"Just give me something, Bella. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

"It has been so hard to keep this from you, torn me apart to not tell you, but I don't want to lose you. I'm afraid I will lose you." Her cries came harder, and I wanted to somehow get to Seattle somehow, just to hold her in my arms and make her better.

"You won't lose me. I'm here for you, however you need me to be."

"Last week... Last week, I had a biopsy..."

I dropped to my knees, the phone almost falling out of my hand. Biopsy...Cancer... Death.

I tried to focus on her words, her voice, but all I could hear were warbles in my ear as my heart cracked apart.

I was losing her before I even truly had her. I felt selfish for thinking that, but fears can do funny things to you when you are hit with crushing news.

"Bella.. Baby.. God, baby... Did I hear right? Biopsy?"

"Yes. They found cysts on my ovaries, Edward. The... The doctor called me this morning, said she had the results of the biopsy, but wanted me to come in for the results. That can't be good, right? If it was good, they'd tell me over the phone."

Ovarian cancer. What stage? I need to call my dad. I thought as a million thoughts collided in my head.

I numbly nodded my head, agreeing with her even though she couldn't see me.

"I need you, Edward. I don't think I can face this alone." She cried. "I need you." She sobbed again, as tears fell from my own eyes.

"I'm calling a meeting with my superior, okay Bella? I'm going to get to you one way or another by tomorrow. You won't go through this alone, okay?"

Somehow, we hung up and I called my dad as I curled into a ball in the surgeon's lounge. He answered on the first ring.

"Son? How are you?"

"Dad? I need you. I think my world just ended."

I hung up, dropped my phone and waited as I just fell into a daze, hoping that we'd make it out of this intact.

Together.

Alive.

*.*

Thoughts?