Hey guys, I still owe EdwardsEternal another one after this. Are you reading her fic My Nightingale? I'm sure most of you are. *sigh* My love for that fic. Though, can it be Thursday already? I want to see Renee get what she deserves.
Anyway, Thank you to kyla713 for looking this over, and to Heather, Packeh, Nikki and linda for holding my hand with this fic.
I'll just leave you guys to it.
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Over the course of the weekend, Bella barely ate much of anything. We all tried to coax her to eat; we even bought some of her favorite snacks. She nibbled, but in my opinion, it wasn't enough to fill her. It both worried and scared me at the same time. My mom said it was most likely nerves about the upcoming appointment. I wanted to believe it was that, but I knew it was most likely the cancer killing her appetite.
Sunday morning, I found Bella curled up on the couch with Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in her hands, slowly flipping page after page. I watched her for a while, admiring her smile as she read, the way she'd laugh at a certain part. I resolved then and there to always make her laugh and smile. She was absolutely beautiful when she was happy and unaware that anyone was watching her.
I left her to her reading and set about making us both some coffee and toast. I figured I'd bring her a bowl of yogurt too. Something small and light and I hoped she'd eat it all. Just as I had buttered the toast, my phone pinged with an incoming email.
To: Ecullen
From: Aliceinwonderland
Hey, I hope you don't mind me messaging you, but I didn't want to bother Bella and I had a feeling she was with you still. Can you please let her know we are all sending our love? That we're thinking of her? Jazz and I talked, and we would like to set up some sort of fund for her, but we wanted to see what you thought of it. Maybe ask/tell Bella?
Would you also, if you don't mind, sending me the address of where you guys are? A few of us want to send some things to her and you.
Tell Bella that the fandom is behind her in this fight. We are here for her if she needs to vent, talk ANYTHING. Please keep us up to date. She's in our thoughts and prayers.
Alice.
I didn't even know I was crying until I felt the tear fall down my cheek. My hands shook as I set my phone down, feelings that I'd kept hidden suddenly slammed into me all at once. A sob escaped me as I realized just how real all of it was, how scared I was for us and for Bella. Seeing the support she had within the fandom did something to me. That was when I knew that fandom was family. They took care of their own. Leaning against the counter as I tried to wrangle in my emotions, I heard Bella come into the kitchen. I turned my head away and wiped my eyes.
"Hey...I made some breakfast. I figured coffee, toast and some yogurt would be good." I looked over at Bella. She was standing just inside the kitchen by the fridge, clutching her book to her chest.
"I don't care about breakfast right now. I want to know why you look sad and have been crying." She set her book down on the counter before she walked over to me and pulled me into a much-needed hug. I buried my face into her neck and tried so hard not to cry again, but shakily exhaled as she held me tighter.
"I don't ever want to lose you," I admitted as I squeezed her tighter.
We hadn't broached the subject again of being more than friends, but I wanted it; I needed it. I knew she had a lot on her plate, and that she probably didn't want a relationship, but I wanted to be there for her as more than a friend. We'd known each other long enough that I was certain that someday I wanted to make her my wife. That part could wait, but there was something inside me that needed and longed for her to place a label on us... I mean... we shared a bed and kisses, and it made me want to place a label on us. I just needed to know I wasn't the only one feeling it.
Bella looked up at me, and her fingers came up to run through my hair as I let out a sigh. "You're not gonna lose me. Ever." She snuggled her head into my chest as she wrapped her arms around me. "What brought this on, Edward?"
I sighed and guided us over to the table, pulling out a chair for Bella. Turning around, I grabbed our coffee and food, setting it down on the table before I sat down myself. "It was a culmination of things. I think... I think everything is catching up to me now, and well... you know how I feel about you, what I want. You mean so much to me. I'm scared. Maybe not as much as you are, but I'm scared. I'm trying so hard to be strong, to be that friend you need." I noticed that she was biting her lip, so I got up and knelt next to her, my thumb pulling her lip from her teeth.
Could I be selfish and lay this all out on the line?
"You have to know that I love you, Bella. I think I've loved you from the first word I ever read from you. I don't know how you did it, but you captured me with your words. After these last few years, I've come to realize I don't ever want to be free from you. I love you, I will always love you. I need you with me always. I need and want to be your man. Can I be that, Bella? Will you allow me the privilege of being your man and helping you win this fight?"
A sob ripped from her as tears came down her cheeks. "Ed-Edward... you've always been my man. You sealed it the moment you kissed me. I thought you knew that I was yours, you silly man. I feel selfish for wanting you as I go through this. I don't want to put you through all of this. I don't want you to hurt. I can't help but worry and be scared for you if I don't make it through this. I want you and need you just as much as you want and need me. But I hate that you have to go through this with me." She leaned down and kissed me. Her lips were soft and heavenly. Perfect.
I pulled away, both of us breathless but with smiles on our faces. "Well, I'm glad that's settled, then," I said, kissing her lips once more before standing up, grabbing my phone and handing it off to her. "That email is what set a lot of this off. Our friends are amazing." I sat back and watched as she read the email, tears slowly running down her cheeks.
She handed my phone back to me and wiped her tears away. "I-I-I don't even know what to think or feel. I mean... what do you say to that? Thank you seems so not right. My heart is bursting with love today. Have you replied?"
"No, I wanted to see what you thought first. If you were okay with me sharing our address and okay with them setting up whatever fund they wanted to do."
"I just can't believe they want to do something like this. They don't have to. I feel so incredibly loved. Please reply and tell her whatever you want, and I don't mind if you share our address," she told me, blushing and smiling.
"You eat, sweet girl, and I'll reply."
She saluted me and said, "Yes, sir." I couldn't help but laugh at her cuteness.
I replied to Alice, telling her how loved we both felt, and that we were awestruck byhow amazing the fandom could be. I also told her about Bella's upcoming surgery. I promised to let her know Bella's chemo schedule once we knew the rest of the plan and closed the email with our address, thanking her and the fandom.
"All done."
"So am I," Bella said, smiling. I noticed all of her food, even the yogurt was gone. "I guess I was really hungry. "
"You don't know how happy this makes me. Want some more toast, or I can make you an omelet or something?"
"I'm fine, Edward. Stop worrying."
I can't help but worry, sweet girl. You're everything to me.
We spent the rest of the day cuddled and reading. Right before bed, my phone went off with Dr. McCarty's number coming up, so I answered. I'd meant to call him before we left Seattle.
"Hey. I'm sorry, I meant to call you a few days ago, but to be honest, it has been a whirlwind."
"Hey, man, no worries, okay? I just wanted to call and check in. I have you covered until Tuesday, so if you're taking a leave of absence, I need those papers."
"I'll have them to you tomorrow. We'll be on the hospital's campus for an appointment for Bella. Will you be in your office?"
"I'll be there sometime after ten until around lunchtime. I have surgery after surgery."
I instantly felt bad that I'd shirked my responsibilities and had him take care of them. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to have to take all of my cases on."
"Edward, seriously, stop it. I don't mind. Anyway, is your Bella okay?"
I sighed, hoping not to choke up. "No. I don't know. She was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We caught it early. The doctors say it was early enough that we have a really good chance of beating it."
"Shit. I'm sorry, man. I'd like to meet her, if you don't mind. Let me know if you guys ever need anything, okay?" he said, just as I heard his pager go off in the background.
"Well, duty calls. I'll see you tomorrow."
We hung up and I went into my bedroom to find Bella waiting for me, curled up in my blankets. "I guess the guest room is free now, huh?" She nodded and smiled. "So, it's safe for me to call this our room now, then?" Her smile grew wider as she pulled back the covers. I got in, curled up behind her, wrapped my arms around her as I pulled her closer into me and kissed the back of her neck. I took delight in the fact that she shivered after I did that.
*.*
I woke up to my alarm and turned over to find Bella no longer in bed. I shot up, instantly worried as I made my way out of the bedroom. I found her curled up on the couch, watching a movie.
Kissing the top of her head, I asked, "You okay?"
Bella nodded. "Just couldn't sleep. I'm nervous, scared and anxious."
I sat down next to her and pulled her up on my lap, pushing her hair back before I kissed her lips softly. "You'll be fine. This doctor will take great care of you, and you have all of us, okay? Remember, my mom and dad said they will be going with us this morning. Your dad will be here Thursday, along with my parents as well. You are not alone in this." I kissed her again, completely unable to stop myself.
After we ate a small breakfast, my mother and father showed up and mom instantly went to Bella, hugging her. We decided my parents would drive us. I was too nervous to focus on getting us there.
After Bella filled out paperwork, it wasn't long before she was called back. She grabbed my hand and pulled me up to go back with her. My dad and mom chose to stay in the waiting room, telling us to call them back if we need them.
The nurse took Bella's vitals. No fever, but her blood pressure was high, which had me a bit worried. Shortly after the nurse left, Dr. Doukas came in, introduced himself and sat down, pulling up her scans on the computer.
"It's nice to meet you, Bella and Edward. I'm sorry it has to be under these circumstances. And please, no 'Doctor' stuff, just call me Marcus, okay?"
We nodded, entirely too overwhelmed to say anything.
Marcus turned the computer screen towards us, showing Bella's MRI scans. "So, Bella, here is your right ovary. You have three individual, small tumors there, and one further down the Fallopian tube. As you know, we will take the right ovary and about half of your uterus, to be safe. We're hopeful that no cancerous cells have spread the other side. Any questions so far?"
Bella shook her head no, and I could tell she was trembling and trying to hold back tears. Marcus scooted up closer to her and grabbed her hand. "Bella, I know this is scary and that this will be difficult. But I promise you that you have the best of care, that I will do all I can to give that to you."
"Thank you. So, what will happen after you remove my ovary and part of my uterus? How will my body take it?" Bella asked, her voice shaky with emotion.
"It is possible that this could send you into early menopause, or you could be completely fine. We will keep a close eye on things, especially once you start chemo. Other than that, it will be, in a way, like your body lost a limb. Your body just becomes, for lack of a better word, used to it," Marcus told us, moving back to his chart and computer.
"I don't want you going into this surgery unprepared. This will be really invasive; and require a fair amount of stitches and staples. You will be in the hospital for a few days after. I would also like to place your port soon after this surgery, which will also require you to go under. In my opinion, this is the best way to receive your chemo and other medications. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?"
Bella squeezed my hand and nodded at Marcus.
"Now, before I hand off copies of your scans and more paperwork and literature, I'd like for you to lie back, relax and let me examine you."
Bella lay back as Marcus came up to her, pulling up her shirt to show her midsection, and had Bella undo the clasp of her pants. His fingers roamed her right side when all of a sudden, Bella winced in pain. He pressed down again, nodding to himself.
"Sorry, Bella. Hopefully, I'll be able to take all that pain away soon."
He handed off the papers and said he would see us bright and early at seven in the morning, reminding me to not let Bella eat after midnight the night before surgery. Before we made our way to the car, I left a message for Dr. McCarty, telling him that I wouldn't make it in today to meet with him and hand over the papers, but that I would for sure tomorrow. I needed to get Bella home and comfortable.
Bella was quiet on the way back to our place. When we got home, my mom instantly went into hovering mode. She set Bella up on the couch, tea and snacks at her side, television on. She constantly asked Bella if she needed something and if she was okay. Bella indulged her, letting her fuss over her.
Later that night, long after my parents left, I found Bella sitting on the chair by the window, staring out over the view. I came up behind her and picked her up, and sat back down, holding her tightly in my arms as I kissed her cheek softly.
"Want to tell me what is going on in that head of yours?" I asked, placing my head on her shoulder.
She exhaled a shaky breath as she grabbed my hand and played with my fingers. "Are you sure that you want to be with me? Especially now that I possibly can never have kids? I know… I know it's too early to be thinking about this, but I can't help but worry and wonder."
I turned her face towards me, placed both my hands on her cheeks so that she wouldn't turn away from me. "Bella... I love you. Okay? I. Love. You. I want you to do me a favor, okay? Place all of your worries on my shoulders. Let me carry them for you. You don't have to worry about kids right now, though I know it's hard not to. You're losing, in a sense, a part of you. But it doesn't make me love you any less, you got me?"
She nodded, leaned in and kissed me, her tongue tracing my bottom lip as I opened my mouth and savored the kiss. It was long, slow and sweet, sending shivers up and down my spine before I pulled away, breathless.
"If we never have kids, we never have kids. If it ever comes to that, we have options. Surrogates, IVF and even adoption. But there are options. Think positive, and place your worries and doubts on me. I'll take care of them. And Bella? I love that you are looking forward to the future. Because make no doubt about it, I'm not going anywhere, and I have every intention of making you my wife one day. I promise you that."
We sat in that chair as the sky grew darker, wrapped up in one another's arms, kissing and not allowing the worries of the future to overtake us.
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So, how are you all?